Chapter 1

June 2011

"I'm pregnant," Amira announces excitedly, rushing out of the bathroom and throwing herself on top of her sleeping husband.

"What?" mumbles Syed, struggling to wake up.

"I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant," she cries happily, jumping up and down on the bed.

"Seriously, are you sure?"

"Yes, I've done three different tests, and they were all positive," she confirms, accepting his bone-crushing hug, and laughing delightedly as he covers her face in kisses.

"A little brother or sister for Jack," Syed murmurs with a contented smile, after they've calmed down a little. "Life really doesn't get any better than this."

"I know. It's a miracle really, considering ..."

"Please Amira, don't," he begs.

"I'm sorry," she replies, regretting spoiling the moment. "I love you," she adds earnestly.

"I love you, too," Syed automatically replies, hugging her close.

"We must tell everyone; lets invite mum and dad, Tam and Afia, Kamil, and your father for dinner tonight," he suggests after a moment; the idea of announcing such wonderful news to his family filling him with pride.

"Yes, they'll be thrilled," she agrees.

"I'll leave work early to come and help you with dinner."

"Do you have to go to work?" she asks. "We could spend the day together, we never spend enough time together," she adds wistfully.

"I wish I could," Syed affects regret, as he quickly evades her exploring hands, "but we're crazy busy, and I was supposed to be at the office half an hour ago," he adds, looking at the clock. He jumps out of bed and reaches for his clothes before she can stop him. "Let me know if everyone can make dinner, and I'll make sure to be home early," he hastily repeats his promise, and gives her a quick kiss on the cheek before rushing out the door.

###

On his way to work, Syed thinks happily about how perfectly his life has turned out. He has a beautiful wife, and an adorable little boy. And soon, a new son or daughter will make their family complete. On top of that, the Estate Agents' office he opened a little over six months ago is doing really well; he picked the perfect time to go back into business, as the housing market which had been stagnant for so long began to pick up once the banks started lending again. His parents couldn't be prouder of him.

"But this is a good day," the thought jumps into his head, "and there haven't been many of those since Christian left." Memories from that terrible time wash over him once more.

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His determined battle to keep away from Christian and bury his feelings forever lasted barely a week after his and Amira's the flat warming; and one night, he found himself once more outside his flat. When he got no answer from his soon-incessant buzzing, he sent Christian a text; and when he got no reply, he sent another and another and another, reaching stalker-level over the next couple of days. After returning to the flat a few more times with no success, he eventually had no choice but to very reluctantly approach Jane in the Café one morning. She, very angrily and very bluntly, informed him that Christian had gone to Canada the day after the flat-warming, and wasn't coming back.

Syed recalls very little about the day after that point: Jane's voice in the distance asking him if he was okay, her grabbing his arm to steady him, but nothing more. The next moment of awareness came when she was tapping him on the shoulder to tell him they were about to close; and he realised that he was still in the Café, that it was dark outside, and that he was sitting at one of the tables holding an untouched, cold cup of coffee with both hands. Over the next few days, he hid himself away in his old room back at his parents' house, seeing and speaking to no one; and only finally coming out when his father threatened to break down the door.

###

He often thinks about his last words to Christian, giving him the impression that he wasn't enough; and it breaks his heart that it was the last conversation they would ever have.

The morning had started so perfectly; they were so happy, so in love, and looking forward with almost giddy anticipation to the wonderful future they would have. He'd been so sure of what he was going to do when he went back to the house with his parents; it was the right thing, the only thing he could do. He'd tried for four, long, miserable months to make a life with Amira, but it had been impossible; and the thought of another 50 years of that life was more than he could bear. He knew what he had to do …

But almost as soon as they arrived back at the house, despite his resolve, Syed's nerves started to get the better of him. He was supposed to be phoning the guests to confirm that they were coming, but the names and numbers on the page were blurring under his distracted gaze; he couldn't concentrate, his heart was pounding; now that the moment had arrived, the realisation of what he was about to do terrified him.

And then, he approached the kitchen door and heard his parents talking about the shame he'd brought on the family; and about how much he'd disappointed them. His father, in a tone filled with disgust, talked about seeing him with Christian in disgrace. Every word broke Syed's heart, and every rational thought left his head. He let his emotions take over; and instead of calmly walking into the kitchen and telling them what he planned to do, he went to pieces, allowing them take control. He ended up trying to defend himself as if he were doing something wrong; whilst they treated him as if he were a 13-year-old boy in trouble for playing truant from school, instead of an adult in need of understanding and compassion. They bombarded him with argument after argument, until he felt he was being crushed under the weight of their disapproval.

All his life, more than anything, Syed wanted to live up to his parents' expectations of him; he held them in such high regard. But the happenings of the past year have really opened his eyes to their failings, and brought it home to him that they are actually even more messed up than he is. If they were having the same 'conversation' today, he knows he would find it a lot easier to fight against his parents' emotional blackmail. Syed Masood has been forced to grow up a lot in the past year.

But that day, when his father told him that a good man would look after his wife and child, he knew in that moment that his dream was over; he tried to fight on but his future was already decided. He'd spent his whole life struggling to be a good man, it was the foundation of his whole belief system; yet deep down, he'd always been afraid that he didn't measure up. And now, his father was confirming this by accusing him of letting his wife, his child and his family down by his selfishness in acting only to secure his own happiness. His challenge to Syed to honour his responsibilities like a good man would, sealed Syed's fate.

He didn't know himself well enough back then to understand that he would be able to do a lot more for his child if he, himself, were happy, rather than if he were depressed and heartbroken. And he didn't think enough about his responsibility to Christian, or about Christian's pain; because to him it was their pain, their loss; he felt he was sacrificing both of them for the sake of his child.

###

A few years ago, he would have been thrilled to be where he is now; having achieved everything he ever wanted. The wife, the kids, the business; it had been the plan from as far back as he could remember; and he'd had every confidence in his ability to achieve it, despite a few set-backs early on. Being gay was an inconvenience, but he'd been able to keep that part of himself separate; only giving in to it when it was impossible to do otherwise, and always being careful to be very discrete.

But then he met Christian, and everything changed. He found himself taking risks he would never have dreamed of taking before this breathtakingly handsome man came into his life and destroyed his peace of mind forever. For the first time, the attraction was so much stronger than his will to resist. He'd never needed anything or anyone as much as he needed Christian; and that hasn't changed. He knows that if he were to look up at this very moment and see him approaching, he would still be knocked off his feet by the force of his emotional and physical response.

And because Christian is now no longer part of his life in even the smallest way, for Syed nothing feels right; nothing feels enough anymore. He's happy for a short while each day when he holds his son or plays with him before he goes to bed; but the rest of the day for him is dull, meaningless; he can't shake that empty feeling which is his constant companion. Everything pales in comparison with the days when he had nothing, but got to spend time with Christian. At first, he tried to keep up the pretence with Amira, but it wore him down; and eventually, to make his life a little more bearable, he had to find time to hide away on his own so that he could let the mask slip. He couldn't explain to Amira what was wrong; all he could do was try to reassure her that it wasn't her fault.

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By the time Syed pulls into the parking space outside his office, his joy has already been crushed under the weight of his memories. He is overcome with conflicting emotions of guilt at having to admit that his family isn't enough; and pain at the loss of Christian, which feels as fresh today as it did in the weeks after he left the Square. Syed rests his forehead on the steering wheel, trying to get himself under control.

"Hey, you okay?" James calls through the car door window, making him jump.

"Fine, I'm fine," he jerkily replies. Quickly straightening up and opening the car door, he gets out and walks past him without saying another word.

"What's he doing here so early?" he wonders irritably, throwing his bag down on his desk and heading for the kitchen.

"You sure you're okay?" James asks once more, coming up behind him and touching him on the arm.

"Yes," Syed snaps, quickly moving away from him. He makes a cup of coffee without offering him any, and marches back to his desk.

He'd employed James a couple of months earlier because the office was getting busier, but it had been a terrible mistake.