Rating: PG for this part but it's going to get more violent
Disclaimer: No profit is being made out of this and no copyright infringement intended.
Category: Drama, Romance
Notes: THIS IS IT, FOLKS!!! The once lost story that was re-discovered. Not sure how it will be received but I don't mind flames and rotten tomatoes. Written between GoF and OoTP, disregards the last three books. So you can tell how long ago it was written. Harry alternates with Draco. Never before posted anywhere. I got scared to put it up. Reviews are most welcome. Chapter updates won't take as long as in DREAMCATCHER, but I do need a beta (one who specializes in first person-present tense to edit this one, as this is all over the place!) This is the first time I ever attempted to write in the first person-present perspective, so it's bound to be ugly. Please bear with me. Two more chappies are up so you will know exactly how ugly this baby is going to get (perspective-, tense- and plot-wise).
I am currently writing another novel-length one, so to keep you guys busy while waiting for it, I decided to post this one. But as always, I am wading through a cesspool of confusion and apprehension regarding certain life choices right now. So the new story needs a great deal of inspiration and some time to be pondered over.
Every chapter of this piece will be dedicated to one person and this one's dedicated to Kat Aglibot.
SALVATION: CHAPTER ONE
Shrieking. Endless screaming in my ears. Deafening.
How?
Even until now I would ask. How could he have done that? We trusted him. I trusted him but he threw that all away. I thought he had changed. That somehow he had forgotten his family ties and his relation to an ass-merciless bastard. I guess it never really occurred to me that he was always, always going to be another bastard, like his father. I had underestimated his cunning. Who would have known that all along, he had just been waiting to strike and give us all away?
The bastard.
I will never forgive him. Because of him Neville's dead; Seamus is dead and the Resistance is deluded with a fucked-up prophecy. He once believed in the prophecy. He almost had me convinced. He told me he believed that the Resistance was useless without me. But I should have known better than to believe him. If I see him again, what would I say? Should I punch him, kill him or just insult him? He was never greatly affected by my lame insults and someone with a strong personality like his would probably never be affected.
I ought to punch him.
For him to know exactly how I feel about his betrayal.
I don't even understand why it's so painful.
~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~
He will never know why I had to do what I did.
For him, I just fucked him up; led him off to a fool's paradise and threw him away like a rag doll. He'd never understand. He would never know how much I had wanted to kill myself when I discovered that my own father had used me to know how the Resistance moved and where they were. He would never know how much I regretted ever falling for the Dark Lord's trap.
But it's too late now. Even if I want to break away, I'm in too deep.
And it's not very likely that he'd still accept me after what I had done—after what he thought I had done. I once told him before how much his friendship meant to me, that I'd die first before betraying him and Professor Dumbledore. But what had happened couldn't have happened any other way.
I should look on the bright side.
He hates me. I'm a pledged Death Eater for Lord Voldemort. I'm a traitor to the people who ever really gave me reason to live. I don't know what's going to happen when the Death Eaters invade Hogsmeade, whether I die or I live with dignity upon my name. Whether I get to see him again and ask for his forgiveness—better yet—beg for his forgiveness.
How do I convince him to believe in me when everything I had worked so hard for for him to trust me before had gone down the tubes?
Who am I kidding?
There's no bright side.
~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~
Cho Chang.
Am I going to lose her, too? What am I going to do? I've already lost Neville and Seamus. I've already lost him; can I handle another loss? She means the world to me. We're going to get married someday, probably after the war. Once peace prevails, we will get married and have a dozen kids. One day… But will that day come? I can't lose her. There has to be another way to evacuate Hogsmeade and persuade her to go with us to Munich to hide out there for a while. But if I know Cho, she will ask to stay and take care of the people. Do I even have the balls to ask her to choose? And what if she doesn't choose me?
Why is every decision a matter of life and death? Why does everyone have to be sacrificed? They're not sacrificial lamb—they're not bait. But why do they insist on becoming one for the sake of protecting me? I am Professor Dumbledore's secret-keeper, but—
Hell, no!
This is not about that godforsaken prophecy again! I don't believe it, so why should they?
I made the gross mistake of almost believing in it before because of him…but I paid dearly for it. The prophecy is a lie. How I wish I can make them believe that. I just don't think I can handle losing another person that matters to me, like I lost Draco.
Like I'm losing Draco.
Over and over again.
~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~
I've given up crying a long time ago. Malfoys don't cry and I have no reason to change that undeniable fact. Besides even if I want to, the person I'm willing to bawl like a newborn over would think I'm just pulling another fast one on him. But since the day I fell for the Dark Lord's trap, I haven't thought of anything better to do but entertain the possibility of crying as if tears would even have the power to take away the pain of having let Harry down.
I never did cry though, at least not overtly. I wouldn't want my father to have the satisfaction of knowing that he had beaten me. That he has me again by the balls, like he always had.
And I never really liked the taste of my tears. They tasted tangy. Bitter. Sharp against my taste buds as if every drop of it was pure venom. It always reminded me of blood—without the scarlet—but always with the pain. Sometimes, I think it's even better to bleed yourself to death than live everyday of your life crying for things you would've wanted taken back—but alas… Maybe one of these days I will finally break. Maybe…one of these days I will cry to let it all out. Maybe one of these days—tomorrow or the day after that—I will find the courage to cry and accept that no matter how hard or how long I do, it'd be useless.
Harry will never see me cry. He will never believe that the tears are real.
Because I never cry.
Probably I never will.
~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~
Shut up! Shut up!
I can't stop the screaming in my head. It's there like a splinter in my mind, making me go crazy. Shut up! But the voices rise a pitch higher like a broken record as if mocking my weariness. I don't deserve any of this! I don't! Most of the time I'd just lock my head between my hands, crush my temples and scream as loud as I can to drown out the voices, the eerie voices screaming and screaming for me, screaming because of me…
Surrey.
Glasgow.
London.
Lives lost. Battles won. Dreams crushed. A thousand people dead.
And now Hogsmeade. Everybody else is on the losing side. They die but I live. For what? For me to see more deaths? For me to witness more dreams crushed, lives lost, battles won? For what? Who's the real enemy? Voldemort kills them—so he must be the enemy… but I…I let them die—I let them all die while I remain alive for my purpose. So what's my purpose? To be the one to put funeral wreaths on all the coffins at mass burials tallying up all the dead bodies so I can later extract some form of payment from the bastard who killed them? But I as good as killed them! I'm alive fleeing every city, every settlement and leaving mangled bodies and a parade of funerals behind me.
Everyone is on the losing side. So who wins?
This has got to stop.
I have to stop running.
-emeraldine-
