If Only

RenXFemBya

If only he... er, she... no... he, she... would stay that way.


First attempt to write Bleach.

First attempt to write a gender bender fic.

Forgive me. I just need to get this out of my system.

Those in italics are unsaid- thoughts, that is.


Chapter 1

The Mystery of Kuchiki Byakuya


It was a normal day.

It started as soon as his alarm clock went off. With his face still buried against the plain white pillow, he reached out with one hand, punching the table hard in annoyance when he remembered where he actually kept the abominable device. He wanted to ignore the noise in favour of a few more minutes in bed but there was no way he could do that- not in that cramped apartment building where neighbors know exactly what was going on in each and every other room. He forced himself up, untangling the sheets from his limbs and practically dragging himself toward the small bathroom that was about six steps away from his bed.

He silenced the alarm clock that he purposely placed beside the sink. That way, brushing his teeth would have to follow automatically. He took off his sleeping yukata and went straight under the shower- groaning as soon as the water touched the top of his head. Well, that's cheap rent for you. He quickly washed and then dried himself. He was all dressed up and was combing his hair when he noticed the time on the alarm clock. His eyes bulged for a second and then, he was sprinting out of his little apartment.


Seated officers and unseated shinigami welcomed Renji with morning greetings as they assembled themselves upon his entry in the sixth division barracks. And because they weren't particularly stiff or anything, he guessed that Byakuya wasn't around. He nodded to acknowledge them, dubious that their ever-perfect captain was actually late.

"Taichou isn't here yet?" he dared to ask as he walked in.

"Someone came from taichou's home," it was their third seat, "She said it was urgent."

That explains it. The confirmation left him very much relieved. He accepted the familiar looking folder from the third seat, wondering what that urgent thing was though he quickly dismissed the thought as he focused on the task at hand. It was the first Monday of the month and that meant reassignments. He opened the folder and started reading out names, handing out pieces of paper to each of the shinigami who came to him as he called them. He wanted to finish quickly- to give Byakuya the impression that he had already accomplished something. Perhaps he won't even ask then.

A little over an hour later, the monthly assignment distribution was over and their barracks was almost empty. Renji was in one of the communal bathrooms of the building, tying his crimson hair in the usual high ponytail when he heard the remaining shinigami rustling about outside. Checking that he looked presentable- and not like he ran through the streets of Seireitei in desperation to avoid another reprimand- it was the truth but in any case, he straightened his shihakusho one last time.

He saw Byakuya heading toward his office. Stoic face, straight back, haori and scarf gracefully flowing behind him- the whole package. He looked calm and Renji sighed at that. For a moment he was worried how the events from the manor would affect his captain's mood and make things worse for him- just in case he found out of his tardiness. He was pretty sure that no one from their division would squeal and that the noble wouldn't ask. He never asked. He simply arrived ahead of everyone.

"Good morning, taichou!" he beamed, walking beside him.

"Good morning,"

"I'm done with the distribution of the monthly assignments," he reported.

"Good,"

"The reports requested by the first division, taichou, they're already on your desk."

"Thank you,"

Renji smiled genuinely. Byakuya could be such a slave driver and he might consider anything less than excellent as below par, but he gave credit when it was due. And for his subordinates, little gestures of appreciation as such were more than enough to compensate for the pressures of working for Gotei 13's model squad. Immediately, Renji was feeling good about the supposed to be terrible day.

"I also checked the documents that you need to sign and..."

He paused though he was still smiling as they came to a stop right before the door to his captain's office. Byakuya turned to look at him and it caught him off guard. He found it impossible to avert his eyes from the dark gray ones that seem to seep through every particle of his body. Suddenly, there were butterflies in his stomach.

"You're not late, are you?" came the calculating inquiry.

The bright smile on his face was wiped out in an instant- replaced by an awkward one. After all those years of working as Kuchiki Byakuya's lieutenant, he should've known better. His captain was of noble birth, cultured, esteemed, powerful, and sharp- very sharp. Or maybe he just tried too hard.

"Well... that... I'm sorry," he scratched the back of his head, "I set the alarm an hour late."

He had been told numerous times by numerous people that his lack of attention to details was disturbing.

"Incident report on your first tardiness of the month," the noble opened the door to his office, "on my desk in ten minutes."

Renji sighed heavily as the door shut before him. It was turning out to be a terrible day indeed.


His desk was located behind the general meeting area of the sixth division barracks. It was an open space, a file cabinet that also functioned as a counter and a divider was on the left side, behind him was an undecorated wall and right across were large windows that provided him a nice view of the training grounds. He liked the location and the accessibility of it, being that he hated seclusions. To his right, however, was the almost always closed door that led to his captain's office.

As if the embarrassment and the incident report were not enough punishment, he just had to be stuck doing more paperwork well after normal work hours. He yawned and slouched on his chair. It was dark outside and the others were probably somewhere fun, half drunk.

"How could I have missed this goddamn deadline..." he looked up at the ceiling, "I swear I still have until Friday..."

He was in the middle of replaying the events from the time those documents were handed to him when vague, faint noises caught his attention. He was positive that everyone had already been dismissed- but then he was also positive that his deadline was at least four days later. Could it be an intruder? With an aching back from sitting all day, he stood up to make rounds, turning to look to his right and running a palm over his face upon the realization. Of course, it was coming from Byakuya's office. They were the only ones left in the building.

He ignored the strange sounds and continued working. He needed to make amends for his punctuality issues, after all. He finished another page, staring back at his captain's office as he made certain that the sounds were that of someone choking and struggling. He just had to check on him.

"Taichou?" he asked as he walked over toward the door, knocking, "Is everything all right in there?"

There was no answer and while he was starting to worry, he knew better than to barge in and put himself in even hotter water. Suddenly, the room was in silence and that prompted him to wait a couple of minutes more, pressing his face sideways against the door. He knew he could trust his five senses more than his reiatsu reading skills.

"Taichou, uhm, I heard some noises..." he was getting frustrated at the lack of response, "I'm coming in, okay?"

He was hoping that it would force Byakuya to open up or speak up or anything- anything at all so he would know what to do next. He so wanted to just slam the door wide open but such lack of manners, regardless of the reason, was one of the noble's pet peeves and so, he wasn't really planning to act on that impulse. Deliberating one last time- since things seemed to have settled down inside- he was about to give up when he heard the sound of something crashing on the floor and at that, he abandoned all reasons and let his instincts do the job.

"Taichou!" His eyes moved around the room in panic.

Byakuya's desk was in disarray, documents were on the floor, and the chair had fallen over. His hand was immediately holding the hilt of Zabimaru, noting the total absence of his captain's reiatsu. There were no signs of forced entry as the windows remained fastened though the wide open bathroom door caught his attention. He rushed to check and he was somehow glad when saw Byakuya on the floor, nevermind that he was sprawled quite unbecomingly. He quickly went to his side and carefully picked him up to check his condition.

"Taichou," he said, "What happened?"

Byakuya's eyes were half lidded, his skin was hot, and he felt limp against Renji's arms. The kenseikan and the silken scarf had been discarded perhaps in an effort to feel less constricted, the redhead concluded. He was barely conscious and Renji knew better than to chat at that point.

"Can you stand up?" he asked as he tried to help him up on his feet, "I'll take you to the fourth."

Byakuya gripped his shihakusho weakly, shaking his head. He grunted disapprovingly at the noble's stubbornness. He then thought he heard him whisper the name Urahara but before he could confirm it, Byakuya completely lost consciousness and collapsed. He grumbled with all the curses he could manage in one breath. It was clear that the noble didn't want to be brought to the fourth division and even clearer was the shower of pink blades awaiting him if his captain ever found out of what he was about to do. Nevertheless, another certainty was that leaving his captain in that state was unacceptable. He hooked an arm under his legs and looped his other arm around his shoulders.

"Fuck that you don't want this," he muttered as he lifted him.

Byakuya's fevered skin and warm breath seared his neck, and Renji found himself shivering when he realized just how close they were to each other. Such proximity to the noble was a taboo, of course. He adjusted a bit, gazing at his captain's face. Might as well, while I still can. He had never seen him so close and so unguarded. Except for the fever, he was sleeping soundly. Perhaps he wasn't in such a bad state and perhaps it was the reason why he refused a healer.

Because he knew Byakuya so well, taking the streets wouldn't be appreciated given the circumstances. Renji finally decided that it was best for the noble to stay in the quarters for the night. Stress had probably taken its toll on his hardworking captain. He went on, carrying him in his arms, belatedly thinking to himself that such a powerful man could actually be so slim and light. Byakuya gently stirred, once again resting his head at the crook of the redhead's neck.

It was exactly that position that Renji was trying to avoid. For some reason, the direct skin contact and those puffs of breath were causing an inexplicable sensation to wash over him. He tried to readjust his hold on the noble but his efforts only resulted in Byakuya's shihakusho slipping off a pale and smooth shoulder. Renji stiffened. He didn't remember him wearing the wrong size that morning- not ever. The next thing he knew, the piece of clothing was slipping further and in a moment of stupor, Renji's reflexes took over. He managed to pull the fabric back into place, wanting to kick himself for thinking of stupid things. For crying out loud, it doesn't matter even if it's taken off completely...

"The quarters," he said quite decisively before faltering, "No, maybe the fourth division..."

The noble was running a fever and he was starting to scare himself. Maybe he needed help as well. And why the hell is his sleeping quarter suddenly too damn far? Still gazing down at Byakuya's sleeping form, he really couldn't blame the eleventh division captain for the name calling. Princess. He relished the light blush on his cheeks, the long and thick eyelashes, the alabaster skin, and the lustrous midnight hair. There is really no other way to put it. He closed his eyes as he slowly bent a bit closer to take in more of that distinct sakura scent. Mildly sweet. Madly intoxicating. He wanted to nuzzle into that exposed neck- for sure, it could only get better.

Renji's eyes flung wide open and in an instant, he was running toward Byakuya's sleeping quarter located just at the other side of the office. Where that trance came from, he didn't know. He admired his captain, of course, as a superior officer who excelled in everything he didn't. But to ogle him when he knew he was down with an illness- that's not what a lieutenant would do. I'm a retard and I hate myself. He needed to make his captain comfortable first before he could attend to his own 'discomforts'. He fumbled at the door though he successfully reached the bed. In haste, he could've manhandled the noble as he laid him down. And he knew did- because right before him was Kuchiki Byakuya's bared right shoulder and a good portion of his chest.

"KAMI!" he exclaimed.

It wasn't right, but Renji found that taking his eyes off that perfect mound was way too challenging and for all he cared, he wanted to see the other one hidden halfway underneath the annoying clothing. Logic told him they shouldn't even be there in the first place and so, he was frozen in place, hovering over the noble. He swallowed hard, looked up and blinked- as if to confirm that his eyes weren't playing tricks on him. When he looked beneath him and still saw the enchanting sight, he decided that he could accept any punishment and it would be worth it- just so he could stare all night. Or maybe touch? He quickly covered him up with a blanket that his shaking hands managed to grab. Stop it, Renji. Be strong. Something was off. Something was definitely off. We've all been mistaken about Kuchiki taichou's gender all along.

It was not a normal day.


How's it? Still a T, yes?

I hope you enjoyed reading but please tell me honestly what you think :)

See you next chapter!