Remus laid on his bed, reading as usual. Gryffindor had just won the House Cup, and everyone was ecstatic, drinking and having fun. Remus, however, was never one to party, and knew he wouldn't be able to tolerate watching a drunken Sirius flirt with every girl, Gryffindor or otherwise, in the room. He hardly noticed when the door to the room the four Marauders shared was pushed open.

Sirius fell backward through the dormitory door with a girl in his arms whose name he had forgotten almost immediately after she told him, about five minutes earlier. Their lips were locked and Sirius managed to steady himself on a cabinet before they landed in a pile on the floor.
"I think we'd prefer a bed, wouldn't we?" he leered at the lanky blonde girl, once they'd disconnected, and proceeded to pull her toward the closest, which happened to be Remus'.

"Out," Remus snapped, moving the book up to cover his reddening face.
He read the same line over and over, not even focused on the literature anymore.

"Merlin's-!" Sirius jumped and spun around before he landed on top of Remus. He clutched his chest and frowned at his friend, nose buried in a book as usual, and tried to reclaim his cool. He pulled whatsherface closer by the hip and snatched the book out of Remus' hand pointedly.
"Moony, bedrooms are for bedroom activities And myself and- ...well, that is precisely what we intend to get up to, so, if anybody is 'out'ing, it's you!" and he tossed Remus' book over his shoulder.

Remus stood slowly. He'd had enough.
"Padfoot, you listen and you listen well. I am not going to be walked all over while you commandeer this room. I will also not allow you to screw her when you don't even know her name. This is my room, too, and if I want to enjoy an evening of reading, I will. Oh, and if you think I'm doing your Potions homework for you, you're dead fucking wrong," he was nearly yelling by the time he was done talking, and as soon as he was done, he shoved past the taller and grabbed his book, then walked to the door.
"I'm not leaving because you told me to, I'm leaving because the sight of you sickens me and I cannot tolerate you for any longer!" He took off down the stairs, the door slamming behind him.

Sirius' eyes grew wider with each word Remus snapped at him, until his mouth was hanging open and his arm had fallen from around his lady friend's waist. He stood, stunned, as Remus pushed his way past and out of the dorm before he zoned back in, considerably more sober than he'd been when he entered.
"I know you're name," Sirius attempted to assure the girl, who was pulling a face that Sirius was all too familiar with. It was the I'm-going-to-slap-you-in-a-minute face.
He wracked his brain for her name in hopes to avoid her wrath. "J...enny?"
She did not slap him, but folded her arms and snapped at him, "Are we going to do this or what?"
He glanced at the door and sighed. "I'm afraid my answer will have to be 'or what'," and he ran back out of the dorm, searching the crowded common room for Remus' head.

Remus wiped at his eyes, pushing through the crowd. He saw James, but avoided him, even when they made eye contact. He just shook his head and made his way through the portrait hole, for once not caring that he would be out after curfew. He rounded a corner and threw himself to the floor, leaning heavily against a wall and wiping at his eyes. He rubbed his eye furiously, trying to stop the salty liquid coming from them. He didn't even know why he was crying; he was angry.

Sirius darted down the stairs and into the fray of people, grabbing James' shoulder when he passed.
"Hey, have you seen Moony in the past five seconds?" he shouted over the music.
James pointed to the portrait hole and raised an eyebrow. "What did you do to him not? He was perfectly fine reading his books, you prick."
"Fuck off, Prongs," Sirius gave a weak smile and pushed on toward the portrait hole.
He heard James shout after him about curfew as he left, but he really couldn't care less. Out in the corridor, Sirius paused and took in all of the directions Remus could have gone in, sighing and muttering a 'fuck' to himself, unaware that he simply needed to turn around.

Remus took a shaky breath and stopped his tears finally, wiping his face clean and curling into a ball. He picked up his book again, bringing it close to his face so he could read. He pressed his back against the wall quietly.

Sirius, sans Marauder's Map, turned to head down the corridor to his left and realised he was stood beside Remus, curled tight against the wall and covering his face with a book. Sirius stared at the sight for a moment and then crouched beside him, putting a hand on the top of his book and lowering it so that his face would come into Remus' view.
"You blew up a bit back there. Time of the month?" he smirked slightly, hopefully.

Remus' eyes burned with anger. "You've got a lot of nerve, Black," he said, venom dripping from his voice. He pulled his book away from Sirius' hand and turned away, lifting his chin stubbornly.

Alright, so humour wasn't going to cut it. Sirius dropped the smirk and chewed his lip.
"Alright, what's this about? I've brought plenty of girls back to the dorm and you've never kicked up this much of a fuss!" he frowned, disliking the way Remus called him 'Black' like they were strangers.
"Is it because I threw the book? Because it was just a library one, and it can be fixed. I'm sorry about the book."
Remus turned away, but Sirius huffed and grabbed his arm to get his attention. "I said I'm sorry about the book, alright?"

"It's not about the fucking book, Black. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm so done with you being such a...such a drunken slut. You have no idea what it's like when..." he trailed off and shook his head, ripping out of Sirius' grasp and standing up.

Sirius let go of his arm in the face of Remus' outburst and narrowed his eyes, scowling at him.
"Oh, fuck off, Moony!" he growled, and stood up with him, so he could continue.
"Just because you're a fucking nun!" No idea when what? When you have to watch the rest of us having fun? Because you choose to leave yourself out. That's not my fault!"

Remus' lower lip trembled dangerously.
"When all I want is-is...I just can't even tell you, Padfoot! I don't choose to leave myself out, I remove myself from situations that cause me emotional pain!"
He held his book tightly against his chest, his knuckled turning white.

Sirius had opened his mouth to respond, but couldn't quite continue his attack. His voice lost its urgency, but his brow stayed furrowed in anger and confusion.
"What emotional pain? What are you even talking about? You can't flip shit at me and then not explain!"

Remus shook his head, taking a step back.
"You wouldn't understand no matter how hard I tried," he whispered. He dropped his gaze to the ground and started back toward the common room.

Sirius sighed, the anger almost completely draining away as he looked at his best friend. He caught Remus' arm as he passed and stopped him.
"Moony," he tilted his head to look into Remus' eyes, hidden behind his shaggy fringe. "Seriously... if you don't tell me what's wrong, I can't be sorry for it. I want to be sorry for it."

Remus shook his head.
"If you bothered to pay attention to what goes on around you, you'd realize what I'm feeling," he whispered. "It's taken me this long to tell James,, and it doesn't even directly affect him. I can't just up and tell you."

"I pay attention-!" he began to protest and then stopped himself, knowing now wasn't the time to start that kind of argument.
He shook his head and stepped back, shrugging, defeated. "So I'm a bad friend. I don't know what you're feeling. Well, what more can I do without you telling me? I'm not a mind reader, Remus!"

"I'm not asking you to be a mind reader, Sirius, I'm asking you to understand that I'm not ready to tell you what I have to tell you yet, not until I know for sure, at least!" Remus was visibly shaking now, his hands vibrating against the book in his clutch. His heart beat erratically in his ears.

"God! You're so-!" Sirius raised his hands to his hair and tugged frustratedly. "Honestly, Moony, sometimes I just want to fucking shake you!"
He turned to the Fat Lady and muttered the password.
"I try- I try really hard to be your best friend. I want you to be involved, and you pull away so fucking hard. I don't know what more I can do!"

Remus took a deep breath, not replying because he knew it was best. He allowed the book to finally slip through his fingers, and he slid back to the ground slowly, appearing to be melting. He leaned back against the wall.
"I don't want to fight anymore," he whispered, and almost hoped James would tell Sirius if he asked.

Sirius stormed back into the party, not making eye contact with anyone and pushing off a fourth year who he'd been flirting with earlier in the evening to make his way over to James. The other Marauder was sat in the corner of the room, entertaining a bunch of girls, with Peter as his wing man. Sirius grabbed him by the shoulder when he approached and tugged him off the back of the couch where he'd been perched, to drag him up to the dormitory.
"I need to talk to you!" he shouted over the din in reply to James' protest.

"Okay, Padfoot, get on with it then, some of us are trying to enjoy a celebration!" he said. "What the hell did you do to Remus, anyway? He looked miserable when he left."

Once inside the dorm, Sirius released James and turned to him. The drunken excitement he'd entered the room on not twenty minutes earlier was completely gone and he leveled his best friend with a serious gaze.
"That's exactly what I want to know. What did I do to him? Because apparently you know, and you're going to tell me. Right now."

James shook his head. "It really isn't my place, Sirius..." he said, biting his lip nervously. "It's a very...personal thing."

Sirius squinted confusedly at James.
"What?" he squeezed his eyes shut momentarily to try and ease the throb that had begun in his head at the tediousness of the conversation. "You know, so tell me!"

James shook his head, looking down.
"He's gay, Sirius, okay? Remus is gay, and you have no idea how much it hurts him to see you bringing girl after girl through here," he said quietly, reaching for the door slowly.

Sirius' stomach bottomed out at the words and he couldn't find anything remotely articulate to say. He stood and stared at James, even as he moved to leave. He took the moment to think about it- Just because you're a fucking nun!- and realisation slept over him. Sirius closed his eyes and sighed.
"James, wait."

James stepped forward again, lifting a finger, whispering urgently.
"Sirius, I swear to Merlin, if you hurt him, I will murder you."
He didn't realize that Remus had slipped into the room behind him and taken toward his bed, grabbing something from under his blanket and running from the room.

"Well, then you'd better kill me right now!" Sirius snapped back. "You saw him; I've already fucking hurt him, James, and there's nothing I can do about it now. What was I supposed to do, anyway? I didn't know!" He moved over to the closest bed and collapsed down onto it, resting his head in his hands. "...I didn't know."

James swallowed, glancing at Remus as he passed. When Sirius spoke, he only shook his head. "This is why I wanted him to tell you when he told me." He sat next to Sirius, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Just...go talk to him. Please. He's already so broken, he doesn't need to lose his best friend."

Sirius raised his head, just as Remus slipped back out of the dorm, missing him entirely. "Probably be better of without me." He scoffed and shook his head, before turning to James. "Am I a bad friend? I mean, did you know before he told you? Was it something I should have noticed?"

"Other than him ignoring literally every girl I know, no, there were no...signs. You aren't a bad friend, Sirius, please just go talk to him. I don't even want to think about what he'd do..." James' voice faded off a bit. "Please just go talk to him."

"I thought that was just a Moony thing, that he wanted to focus on his education." Sirius shrugged, realizing now that James was helping lay it all out, that it probably should have been kind of obvious. "Alright, alright," he got to his feet and ran a hand back through his hair before steeling himself and looking at the door. "I'm going."
And with that, Sirius yanked open the dormitory door and descended the staircase, pushing through the party where he knew Remus wouldn't be, and out of the portrait hole onto the seventh floor corridor again.

James gave a soft smile but didn't utter another word, just followed Sirius into the common room.

Remus sat on a staircase leading down to the sixth floor, sighing softly and twisting his hair between two fingers. Performing simple wandless magic, he levitated a leaf sitting on the step below him.

Sirius scoured the length of the immediate corridor before he decided to head down a floor. He'd spend the whole night searching the castle if he had to, curfew or no. Luckily, he'd only just began descending the staircase when he spotted Remus near the bottom.
Sirius stopped on the step below and sat down, watching the leaf levitate in silence for moment and trying to find a way to begin. "Filch will kill us if he catches us," he mentioned quietly. "Andyou're a Prefect. That wouldn't look good."

"Prefects are allowed to be out of bed at night. Pranksters, on the other hand, are not. I'd hate to have to take points from Gryffindor," Remus replied. His voice was void of emotion and stronger than his usually soft-spoken demeanor; less involved.

"According to Filch, nobody is allowed to be out of bed at night," he added, sure that Remus was aware of how the caretaker would care less about the Prefect title if he found two of the Marauders on the staircase at that time of night. Another silence stretched out between them, as Remus gave him the cold shoulder and Sirius still struggled with finding a way to begin.
"Look, Moony," Sirius finally began, reaching out to carefully pluck the leaf from the air so as not to distract from his words. "I'm really sorry."

Remus glared at Sirius. "You're sorry? Really? I find that difficult to believe, Black," he responded. He didn't want to speak to him respectfully or affectionately, and therefore avoided his name and nickname. "You just don't get it. You don't understand how it feels, and I'm too tired to explain it."

"I don't need you to explain it," Sirius assured him, moving up onto the step to beside him. "I kind of, I got James to- I mean, you told me that James knew, so I made him tell me." Sirius realised mid-way through saying it that it had the potential to get him into more trouble with Remus, but banked on the other boy's exhaustion to pull him through without an argument.
"And I get it now. I might not understand how you're feeling, but I kind of..." he sighed down at his knees. "I understand why you're angry at me. And I'm sorry."

"Seriously, please just stop talking," Remus muttered, putting his head in his hands. He waited for Sirius to ask why, stifling another outburst and pushing away his tears. He was too tired to deal with Sirius, and he'd talk to James about keeping secrets in the morning.

Sirius stared at the side of Remus' head, praying for the solution. Remus hated him right now, and he hated himself for whatever he'd done to make it that way.
Not wanting to worsen the situation, Sirius closed his mouth and nodded. Tentatively, he raised a hand and put it on Remus' shoulder, wanting it to be comforting but bracing for the possible rejection.

"Stop it," Remus whispered weakly, staring at the stairs below him. "Please just stop." A single tear rolled down his cheek, landing on his arm. He closed his eyes, visibly shaking.

Sirius slid his hand away on request and looked away when he saw that Remus was crying. He warred with the decision to leave and hurt him, or stay and hurt him, and decided to get an opinion on the matter. "Do you want me to leave?"

Remus leaned forward, resting his face against his forearms. "Do whatever you want," he muttered bitterly. "It's what you're going to do anyway." He didn't dare look at Sirius. He was just too fucking attractive. Remus couldn't stay mad if he looked at him, so he didn't look at him.

Sirius nodded resentfully at the comment, and then shook his head incredulously. "I don't know what you want from me, Remus. I can't work it out!" he gritted out, frustrated. "You- you love me? You hate me? Should I stay? Leave? Say sorry? Not give a shit?" He let out a shaky breath, frowning. "I don't know what you're feeling! And I can't fix it if I don't know!"

"Maybe if you weren't so fucking attractive that I couldn't even look at you, this wouldn't be so difficult for me!" Remus exclaimed, then clapped his hand over his mouth and buried his face in his hands in embarrassment. He'll hate you forever for that one, Moony, nice one he thought angrily at himself.

Sirius watched, wide eyed, as Remus clamped a hand over his mouth and felt the inappropriate urge to laugh overwhelm him. It bubbled up from his chest and the smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.

It was quite a compliment and it had sounded so strange coming from Remus. He barked out a laugh and pressed the fingers of one hand to his own lips.

"I'm sorry," he muttered quickly, trying to regain his somber composure and putting a hand on Remus' shoulder to urge him to lift his head. "Moony."

"No," Remus muttered. "I did not just say that. Forget that happened. It's gone. Never happened." He kept his face in his hands, leaning down so his hands rested on his knees. It was times like this where he wished he could accio James' invisibility cloak or apparate inside Hogwarts. His cheeks and even the tips of his ears were bright red with embarrassment.

"Gone. Never happened." Sirius agreed, still tugging gently at Remus' shoulder to urge him to lift his head. "Moony, c'mon. Would you please just look at me?"

"I can't," Remus said miserably, keeping his face in his hands. "I don't know why you're even still here."

"Because we're friends," Sirius said firmly. "I'm your friend, Moony. In case you hadn't realized from all of the apologizing."

"Sirius, I know we're friends, and you have no idea how thankful I am for that. However, I can't handle it anymore. I just...I can't even...it's literally painful for me to have to live with you because I'm attracted to you."

Sirius began to withdraw his hand again, hurt at the thought that Remus was in so much pain because of him, but changed his mind almost immediately and buried a hand between the folds of Remus' body, curled on the step beside him, and took hold of his face. Sirius pulled gently until Remus was facing him, if not completely looking him in the eye.

"Moony, look at me," he said, his thumb touching the bottom of the longest scar where it tapered off at Remus' chin.

Sirius knew he could give him what he wanted right now; just lean in a little and their lips would meet in a great sigh of relief, but he just frowned instead.

"What would you have me do? I can't- you can't put this pressure on me, Moony. I mean, I won't pretend I've never thought about it before, if only really, really briefly, but I can't do anything right now that wouldn't seem insensitive o-or like I was just pacifying you."

Remus slipped his arms around Sirius and hugged him gently, briefly. So briefly. He sat back again, forcing himself to look Sirius in the eye. "I don't want you to do anything you'll regret just to make me feel better," he said, dropping his hands into his lap. "Honestly." He shifted back a bit, leaning against the railing.

"That's what I mean," Sirius pressed on, relieved that Remus was finally facing him. "You'd think I was just doing it to make you feel better and regret it afterwards."

Remus sighed softly, looking down for a moment to gather the courage to speak. "I don't want you to feel like you have to act on how I feel just because I get upset," he said, slowly returning his gaze to Sirius. "Don't worry about it."

"You see?" Sirius said, a little too loudly, frustration rising in him again. "You're making it difficult! It's like you don't want to be happy! Even if I told you right now that I really, really wanted to kiss you, you still wouldn't be able to trust that I'd pull away and not regret it afterwards, wouldn't you?" The urge Sirius felt from earlier, to shake Remus, rose in him again and he rubbed a hand over his face.

Remus looked down, closing his eyes. "I'm sorry," he murmured, twisting his hands in his lap.

"Fuck it!" Sirius muttered, dissatisfied with Remus' response, and grabbed the other boy by the collar of his shirt, pulling him forward until their mouths connected. He squeezed his eyes shut as he pressed a forceful kiss Remus' lips, and hoped to Merlin that he wouldn't get punched in the nose for it.
He knew it was exactly what he'd been trying to avoid, and he'd had it confirmed that Remus wouldn't believe he was doing it of his own desire, but he couldn't care less in that brief moment of time. All he knew was the strange feeling that washed over him as he breathed Remus in and the small voice in the back of his head that quietly said Oh.