A/N:) Ya ok, so those of you keeping up with the manga, you would know that in chapter 458, Sai tells Sakura that Naruto loves her and she starts crying 'cause she's all sad and stuff. If you didn't know…I just told you. :3 This is my prediction for why Sakura was crying...In accordance to what Kishimoto is supposedly doing with the manga. We'll see if he keeps his Naru/Sasu promise...
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I tried to hold it back, I really did…I tried to be the brave, strong kunoichi I had worked so hard to become, but at that moment it was simply impossible.
I've been strong through all of this. All of it. When Sasuke left, sure, I cried like the pathetic little girl I was. I pined for him. Longed for him. Who wouldn't? He's Sasuke-fucking-Uchiha for Christ's sake. After he left, I swore to myself that I would become stronger…for all of our sakes. When Team Seven was reassembled, I would no longer be the dead weight, useless nin on the team. I vowed to become stronger for Sasuke, Naruto, and most importantly, myself. I made a fucking vow!
Yet here I am, blubbering like a baby over one stupid, simple sentence.
"Even I can tell that he really loves you!"
'Oh no…' I remember thinking briefly as tears began welling up in my eyes. 'No…' Once the tears started coming, they just wouldn't stop. One by one they slid slowly down my cheeks, until eventually the dam broke and a flood of tears started pouring out of my eyes. I just couldn't stop.
Sai looked at me with a mixture of pity and resolve. I knew he had more to say, of course he did. He couldn't just let me off with a simple love confession then bounce, right? No, of course not. That bastard. He may not know much about feelings, but he sure as fuck knows how to hurt you the most.
I barely heard his latest tirade, I was too busy focusing on trying to get a grip and stop acting like a lovesick little idiot…again. It must have been some kind of miracle that I was able to pull myself together briefly to catch his next words.
"Sasuke causes Naruto pain, but I think you do, too."
I looked up at him in shock. With my green eyes blurry from tears, I could only make out an amorphous black blob which I assumed was Sai.
"I cause him pain?" I rasped out, my voice hoarse from crying. I laughed softly, my voice hitching from a bitter sob. "He does. They do. Both of them do."
"Do you have any idea what it's like to fall in love and have your heart savagely broken, Sai? Do you?" I laughed again, aware that I sounded completely insane in my hysteric state, but at the time I didn't give a damn.
Sai looked at me with a hint of confusion flitting across his normally stony features. That prick. That lucky emotionless bastard…
I sighed, defeated…utterly defeated. I mean, what was the point anymore? "It's no secret I had a crush on Sasuke…As much as I hate to admit it now…" I mumbled wiping my leaking eyes with the back of my hand. "…but it was more than that, Sai. It's still more than that…"
A fresh batch of tears began welling up in my eyes, and I couldn't bring myself to brush them away. "He was cold to me, cruel to me, and on top of that he left us…all of us. But even though I knew he hated me, I always tried to understand him…All I ever wanted was to take his pain away and make him smile."
I looked up at Sai, pathetically, knowing that I was babbling, but still not caring. "I just wanted to make him smile." I sobbed loudly, and forced myself to continue. "Even though that was my mission, someone else managed to complete it without even knowing about it."
Sai's obsidian eyes widened slightly in understanding. "Naruto…" he whispered softly, realization dawning on him.
"That's right," I mumbled bitterly. "Naruto. It's always been Naruto. He's the only one Sasuke ever cared about, looked at…He never gave a shit about me. Never."
Sai walked over to me and awkwardly rubbed my back in what he assumed was a soothing motion. He probably read about it in one of his stupid books. A good suggestion, had it been anyone else he was comforting. I shook off his ministrations with a half-hearted apology and wiped my still dripping eyes.
You'd think that after all the shit I've been through for Sasuke, all the dates I asked him on, all the gifts I bought him, and all the attention I lavished on him, that I'd be sick of the bastard.
Oh, I wish.
It's like, since he left, I love him more than ever. Isn't there a saying, 'Distance makes the heart grow fonder?' Some bullshit like that? Yeah. It's true. It shouldn't be true. I shouldn't feel this way.
I sigh loudly and turn back to Sai. "Sai, don't tell Naruto that you said anything to me. Ever."
He's about to protest, I can tell, but I stop him with a sad, watery look. "It's easier for both of us this way, Sai. Just let him pretend that I don't love Sasuke…" A shuddering breath cut off my sentence. "…and I'll pretend that Sasuke doesn't love him."
I looked up at him with pleading eyes. "Just let us both pretend, Sai. Please…"
Sai stared at me for a long time after that, as if he was deciding the next logical course of action. He probably was, to be honest. Finally, he slowly nodded at me and turned to leave the infirmary, tossing a clipped "Goodbye," over his shoulder.
I turned around and grabbed a tissue off of a nearby table and began dabbing at my reddening eyes. I knew Shizune had seen the whole event and was watching me with wondering eyes as I attempted to put myself back together, but I didn't care. I don't care anymore.
Sai thought he was helping Naruto when he told me how Naruto feels about me, but really, he just made the situation worse. Naruto knows I don't love him. He knows I can't love him. Just like I know that Sasuke can't and won't love me. It's impossible.
I see Naruto the way Sasuke never could: as a brother. That's all he's ever been to me, and all he ever will be. It's not my fault I can't see him as more than that; we just aren't meant to be.
Sasuke on the other hand, well, he's just my type. Strong, cool, and silent…I've always gone crazy about the sexy stoic type and I've always dreamt of being the one he would open up to. But no, that position will never be mine. Naruto is the only one who will have Sasuke's complete trust and confidence. It's always been Naruto. It always will be.
He thinks I'm stupid. Sasuke, that is. He thinks I never noticed the way his eyes would trail after Naruto during practice and on missions with that sad sort of longing you only see in tragic chick flicks. He thinks I never saw the way his fingers would linger on Naruto's skin every time he got the chance to patch him up when he was wounded on a mission, or when he was pulling him out of the way of danger. He thinks I didn't see it.
I did.
It broke my heart to watch him, so obviously devoted and in love with my teammate, knowing he would never show that kind of tenderness and compassion to me. It fucking hurt. Think what you want about me. It fucking hurt. But I let it go, didn't I? Sure, I tried for a while to make him like me instead, I tried my damnedest…But eventually, I realized it was pointless and gave up. I let him go. I tried to give them the chance to be happy. I tried.
But Naruto…He just wouldn't let me go, in return.
He never realized that Sasuke felt more for him than friendship. He couldn't see what I saw. He was too busy chasing after me like a damn puppy. In fact, I'm sure if I told him what Sasuke's been feeling all these years, he would laugh right in my face.
I don't think Sasuke knows what I know…Though I know he feels the pain that I feel. He feels the pain of knowing that the one you love is in love with someone else, and knowing that you're powerless to stop it. He understands. I've been able to take comfort in that knowledge, if only a little bit.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder if Naruto would have loved Sasuke instead of me…would Sasuke ever have left at all?
I am snapped out of my musings by a soft hand on my right shoulder. I crane my neck and see Shizune standing behind me, a worried, motherly expression marring her pretty features. "Sakura, are you alright?" She asks softly, eyes softening with each word.
I nod slowly and manage to smile, albeit weakly, at her. "Yeah, I'll be okay…" I say quietly, sniffing a bit.
She frowns a little in pity, and turns me around so she can pull me into a comforting hug. "Don't worry…It'll all work out in the end." She mutters soothingly against the top of my head.
I want so badly to believe that it's true, but I shake my head slowly against her shoulder and start crying all over again.
I know it'll never be okay. Never. At least not for me.
Sasuke is my happiness. Naruto is his. I'm Naruto's.
I'll be willing to step into the background again if it means that Sasuke could smile and be happy with Naruto. I'd love to, in fact. Anything to make him happy…But would Naruto ever let me? We deserve happiness, dammit! Naruto's been bullied and mistreated his entire life...Doesn't he deserve something for all the shit he's gone through? And Sasuke...He lost his parents at such a young age and his older brother was the one who took them from him! And on top of all the pain and sadness, for fate to have dealt us all such a cruel hand...Complete and utter bullshit.
So if you happen to walk by the infirmary and witness me sobbing uncontrollably on a pitying Shizune with an comatose Tsunade resting only a few feet away, don't assume I'm crying out of heartache.
I'm not crying because Sasuke will never love me.
I'm not crying because I could never love Naruto.
I'm crying because it's bullshit.
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So how was it? Shitty? Probably. Angst is hard but I can't be funny all the time. :S
I can has review, peez? I gives you a lolcat. And a cheezburger.
