I'm dozing on the couch by the time Aaron gets home from work. The click of the door behind him rouses me slightly but I stay snuggled against the arm of the couch, loath to open my eyes and disturb the warm sleepiness that surrounds me. The smell of motor oil and grease that fills the room when he opens the hall door just increases my fuzzy contentment. It's Aaron's smell, the one that will never not make me smile; not make me feel like I'm home.
I must fall back asleep for a minute because the next thing I know Aaron's leaning over the back of the couch. He runs a hand through my hair, tugging slightly on the curls at the top. I open my eyes and he's there looking down at me, with a look on his face that I can't read. He smiles slightly though as I yawn and bends down, brushing a kiss to my forehead. "Hey," he says and there's a softness in his voice that he doesn't even try to hide. It's a softness that I only usually hear late at night when we've just made love and it's just the two of us together in the darkness. He talks to me then sometimes, open and honest and all mine. We've been together for over two years now and Aaron is no longer the angry, young man he was when we first met. We've been through too much since then for us to be the same people we started out as but that doesn't mean that every one of his walls has been broken down.
I know he loves me; he shows it in a hundred different ways. But I know better than to point those ways out to him because he'd just roll his eyes and scowl and tell me I was going soft. Even after all this time it's still important to him not to seem anything less than a man's man and for the most part that's the face he presents to the world. But I don't mind because I get to see the real him. The real him who holds me at night when nightmares about trains and head braces and wheelchairs threaten to overwhelm me; the real him who makes me run with him every Saturday morning on the pretence of him training for football but really because the doctor told him staying fit was the best way to help my back and neck strengthen again; the real him who insists on getting up every Tuesday and Thursday morning at 5.30am so he can drive me to physio before work just so I won't have to get the bus.
I could tease him; joke about how much he must love me or he'd never do these things but if I did there's a good chance that he'd get that look on his face. That Aaron look; embarrassment and defiance and vulnerability all fighting with each other. So I don't. I just smile and kiss him and say thanks and he gets it and it works.
And so now I don't call him on it; I don't ask him what's wrong. I know he'll tell me when he's ready; no sooner and no later. So I stretch and reach up my arms to tug him over the back of the couch and on top of me.
"Jackson," he yelps as he half falls on me; immediately lifting himself and bracing his arms either side of my head to take his weight off me. He looks at me for a long moment with a small smile on his face. But there's something sad in his eyes and I'm starting to get a little bit scared. But then he kisses me and he's fierce and demanding; totally at odds with the way he's just looked at me. I don't question it; I just pull him towards me, reaching up to meet him; to give him whatever it is he's looking for.
He pulls away after a few minutes, breathing heavily and leaning his forehead against mine. Closing my eyes, I lazily rub circles on his back, keeping him close.
"I'm gonna put the tea on," he says after another minute.
"Thought we were going to Paddy and Rhona's?" I ask, opening my eyes.
"I put him off." Aaron shrugs without meeting my eyes, "just don't feel like it tonight".
"Okay," I say easily and he glances at me before pushing himself up.
"Come on you lazy lump," he holds out his hand to help me up from the couch, "you can do the spuds."
I grin at him as I stand. "Aw baby, here I thought you were going to make me dinner."
"Don't call me that," he scowls but there's no real heat in his voice so I just plant a loud smacker on his cheek as I pass by him. He shoves at me and tries to hide the smile on his face. But I can see it in his eyes and just like that he's my Aaron again.
Dinner is quiet and comfortable and if I didn't know him like my second skin I wouldn't know that there was something up with him. But I do and reading him is second nature to me at this stage. We sit at the table and we talk about everyday stuff; he tells me about Adam's new girlfriend, I tell him about the new assignment I have for college. It's like it always is. Except that he keeps his leg against mine under the table. When he gets up to get more beer he brushes his hand against the back of my neck.
And as I stand at the sink washing the dishes I feel him stand behind me. He wraps his hands around my waist and fits himself along the length of my back. Resting his head against my shoulder I feel him let out a long breath. His hand moves along my chest, coming to rest over my heart. The whole time he doesn't say a word; he just breathes in and out like he's trying to calm himself.
"You know you're scaring me a little," I say softly turning my head slightly.
There's a long moment of silence and just when I think he's not going to answer his voice comes, muffled by my shoulder.
"I just...I just need to know you're here," he speaks in a rush and I don't have to be able to see him to know that he's blushing.
"Okay," I say slowly still not getting it but not questioning him. He tilts his head, kissing my cheek briefly; a silent acknowledgement of my not pushing him.
"Come on," he says after a minute, "I got a film".
"Dinner and a movie, I am a lucky boy," I joke, drying my hands on the towel. He rolls his eyes at me, grabbing more beer from the fridge and settling in the corner of the sofa. He pulls me to him as he presses play on the remote, fitting his arms around my waist and resting his hand over my heart again. I lean my head back against his chest and it's safe and warm and whatever's going on with him I relax because I know it's not something he's freaking out about, it's something he's dealing with. And he's not shutting me out; he's not running from me pretending that everything's okay.
I fall asleep at some point during the film and wake to him whispering in my ear.
"Jay, come on time for bed."
I shake my head sleepily, snuggling back against him. "Comfortable here," I mutter and he laughs gently.
"I'll make it worth your while."
He pushes at me until I make it up the stairs and once we're in our room he pushes me against the wall and kisses me. It's the same kiss as earlier, urgent and insistent and it's not long before we're moving against each other, needy and sweaty. I let him set the pace and it's fast and furious. His hands and mouth are everywhere at once, claiming every part of me, marking me. He stills just before he comes and there's a second where we just look at each other and the vulnerability I see in his eyes floors me. It's enough to send me over the edge and we come together, stars dancing in front of my eyes.
He falls bonelessly on top of me; remembering even in his haze to keep his full weight off me. It's one of those hundred things he does without saying. It's been over a year since I started walking again and the doctor says my back is strong but Aaron is still careful with me like that.
He rolls over on to his back trying to catch his breath and I move to rest my head on his chest, draping my arm across his stomach. He curls his arm around my back pulling me closer and I drop a soft kiss to his chest. There's silence for a few minutes as we catch our breath and I can feel myself about to doze off when his hand moves along my back. It takes a minute for me to realise that he's stroking along the scar on my back, running his fingers along the small bumps that dot along it. My breath catches for a minute and I feel him tense slightly underneath me.
"Someone brought a car into the garage this afternoon," Aaron's voice is low and soft in the darkness. "It had been in an accident a couple of weeks ago." He's silent for a minute and I move my fingers against his stomach, waiting. He clears his throat and taking a deep breath, he speaks again.
"It was a woman that brought it in. She was his mother...the guy...the guy in the car." His voice falters but his hand keeps stroking, anchoring him to me. "He was driving home from a late shift at work. They're not really sure what happened but he went off the road, over a wall...They got him to hospital but it was too late..."
He moves his other hand to link with mine on his stomach, holding it tight. "He died...the guy...I don't even know why she told us what happened. It's not like we needed to know. And why would she even want the car fixed. I'd never want to see it again."
I can hear the tears in his voice and I squeeze his hand. He takes a deep breath and I can feel it shuddering through his body. "The whole time she was there, the whole time I was working on the car...all I could think of was...was you and what happened...you lying there in the van...and in the hospital...and..." the tears win out and his voice chokes as he tries to swallow them down.
"Hey, hey," I move up along the bed, lifting myself on my elbow and cupping his cheek in my hand. "I'm right here, I'm right here."
He wipes at his face with his hand. "I know, I'm just being stupid but if I lost you...if..."
He can't finish the sentence but he doesn't need to. Sometimes I forget that the accident didn't just change my life; it changed everyone's around me. I try to imagine sometimes what it would be like to have to sit beside a hospital bed and watch Aaron breathe through a tube, to not know if he was ever going to wake up again. To have to watch him struggle and fight and hurt. And I can't, the mere thought of it makes my chest constrict, makes my head hurt. But he lived it; he stood beside me for every second of it. He loved me and pushed me and looked after me. He's still doing it even now.
He closes his eyes for a minute and takes a deep breath. I press my lips to his forehead and when I pull back he's looking up at me again. My heart swells at the love I see in his face; at the knowledge of how far we've come.
I don't say anything; there is nothing to say. I just roll onto my back and pull him with me so that he's lying in my arms, head resting on my chest. I wrap my arms around him, pulling him to me; holding him. He doesn't resist, he just presses a kiss to my chest. He rests his hand over my heart and I know it's so he can feel it beating. He used to do it a lot in the first few months after the accident. I swallow against the lump in my throat and pull him closer, trying to protect him from anything that might ever hurt him; even knowing as I do it that I never can. All I can do is what he does for me every day; be here, let him know in whatever way I can that I love him; hold him.
After a while his breathing evens out and I know he's asleep. It's only then that I let myself drop off to sleep; surrounded by my whole world.
