Disclaimer: Naruto is not my toy, although sometimes I wish it was. Everyone you meet here belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, we just borrow them, occasionally.

Author's Note: While I'm not a real fan of Raidou and sex in the same sentence – he just seems a bit too self-contained to indulge – this was so cracky that I just couldn't leave it alone. Parts of Izumo's dialogue belong to Sweetbriar, without whom this would not ever have gotten as far as it has.

Warnings: Cocksucking, expletives, gratuitous Kotetsu abuse.

They'd been stuck at the goddamn base for weeks -- a tired old place left over from the last war. Everything was the dull, mildewed grey of decades-old poured concrete, and the five of them had started to pick at each other, just to alleviate the boredom. There was nothing to do but wait -- either the attack would come or it wouldn't. At this rate, it looked like Kusa was going to wait for them to die of boredom before bringing troops across.

Genma hadn't gotten laid since they left the village -- one last desperate moment with Hayate, and if he closed his eyes, he could still recount every second of it. The mission-mind had worn off after the first two weeks of quiet, and by now he actually missed the kid, and missed him most in the morning, when Kotetsu and Izumo could be heard through the walls. There were only a few hours a day when they were all awake at the same time -- the two chuunin had the night shift, Raidou and Aoba had afternoons, and Genma worked mornings, alone. He'd fought for that privilege. He also wondered exactly how much trouble he was going to be in when he got back to the village -- he had sort of left Iruka duct-taped to a chair in Kakashi's living room, to prevent him from coming along.

That thought was interrupted by half a sentence from the other room as Kotetsu and Izumo came back from their last patrol. "-- that for all the shit I've given you, just maybe Mizuame Nabara is not the result of sucking my cock."

Genma fumbled the spoon with which he was stirring the rice, and, catching it, he stepped back and leaned out of the kitchen to listen to what was winding up to be a brilliantly stupid argument.

"Of course it's not! Have you just finally figured that out?" Izumo snapped, ignoring Kotetsu as he headed for the kitchen. Food was more important than commentary about cocksucking, regardless of how incredibly good it would be to force Kotetsu down onto his knees and make him apologise properly... Izumo shook his head.

"Well, it just occurred to me that if it's that sweet and sticky, you're obviously taking in something much sweeter and stickier than anything that's going to come out of me. I only know one person who's going to put out that much sugar in a bodily fluid," Kotetsu teased, waiting for the implication to sink in.

Genma turned colours from the incredible amount of effort it took not to laugh -- and it was twice the effort when Raidou walked into the kitchen from the back hall, still wearing pyjamas. The scarred tokujou looked very confused as he got himself a bowl of rice and poured molasses over it, but he decided that he probably didn't want to know as he sat down to eat. Genma looked like he was going to pass out from the strain of not cackling with hysterical glee at whatever the magpies were up to.

Izumo hadn't come up with a response yet, and was still staring at Kotetsu in stunned silence, jaw open, finger pointed accusingly.

"Don't think I haven't noticed the way you look at him -- you want a piece of that, and I think you're getting it," Kotetsu went on, digging himself deeper into a hole that he might never get back out of.

Great, Raidou thought, Another morning, another fight about who's not blowing Genma, today.

But, then, Kotetsu took the time to clarify. "You've been blowing Rai behind my back, haven't you?" Kotetsu complained, half-joking. In the kitchen, Raidou dropped his spoon and stood up, thoroughly mortified at the accusation. "Fucksake, kitten, you could at least have let me watch."

Raidou pushed past Genma and stormed into the dingy grey room. There was nothing he could say, quite literally, as he couldn't seem to make his brain and his mouth work simultaneously, not that that ever stopped Aoba, but Raidou tended to prefer to make sense.

"You!" Kotetsu pointed at Raidou, moderately offended. "You've been letting my Izumo suck you off, and I don't even get pictures? What the fuck, man?"

In the kitchen, Genma finally collapsed in a hysterical fit that could be heard echoing off the walls through the entirety of the small building. He was fairly convinced that if this ludicrous argument didn't stop soon, not only would he not be going on his rounds, he might never go on rounds again, because he was going to choke to death on the hilarity and possibly his own tongue.

Raidou stared murderously at Kotetsu. If the chuunin didn't stop talking that instant, it was likely that there would be some head-punching. No, he was absolutely not allowed to beat the sense back into his teammates, no matter how tempting it might be. Of course, with the way Genma was cackling... "Genma? Have you been slipping hallucinogens to Kotetsu?"

After a few coughs, the howls of laughter slowed to the point that Genma could make sentences. "No, sorry. He came up with this one on his own."

Izumo stared between his best friend and the pyjama-wearing mountain in horror and dismay. "Dammit, Ko! What in the fuck are you thinking!?" He slapped Kotetsu in the side of the head.

"Molasses. I'm done." Kotetsu rubbed his head and raised an eyebrow.

"I'm going to kill you." Izumo was furious -- pissed enough that he was actually getting loud. "For the last fucking time, it's not come!"

"And if it is, it's not mine. I may not know what it tastes like, but I know it's not syrupy." Raidou looked mildly disgusted as he pointed to the kitchen, where Genma was trying to explain the situation to a very tired Aoba who had been woken up by all the laughing and shouting. "Ask Genma. That bastard would know better than anyone but me."

Kotetsu looked suspicious. "I'm still not sure I believe you two."

"I am not blowing Raidou behind your back!" Izumo shouted. "And if I was, you'd already have pictures. You'd probably have taken the pictures while I wasn't looking." There was a lengthy pause. "Besides, he's straight. I couldn't suck his cock if I wanted to."

Raidou looked back and forth between the two chuunin, before deciding it was way too early in the morning. "You know what? Fuck this. I'm going back to bed." He glared at Kotetsu. "And when I get back up, I don't want to hear another word about it. I'm just going to pretend this never happened."

Izumo hit Kotetsu, again. "I'm sorry, Rai. I really am. Sometimes he's just such an asshole."

"So's Genma. It's nothing new -- I think that's what best friends are for. They're the people who piss you off when you need it least." Raidou looked back with a tired half-smile. "You want to crash in my room so you can avoid the urge to break his neck while he sleeps? It won't help with the rumours, but you'll both be alive for your next shift."

"Aw, you wouldn't break my neck, would you, kitten?" Kotetsu made a sad puppy face at Izumo.

"No, because you'd have an awfully hard time sucking my cock with a neck brace. And you will be making this up to me when I can promise myself I won't kick you in the teeth." Izumo was not a happy chuunin, and Kotetsu was finally beginning to grasp exactly how very much trouble he really might be in. "I'm going to go hang with Raidou for a few hours. You go with Genma and get all of this "Mizuame Nabara is really come" shit out of your system."

"But -- but Genma's going on rounds in another five minutes! And we just got in!" Kotetsu complained. "And you know, you're really not helping -- now, I know I want photos!"

Genma leaned out of the kitchen and spit. Kotetsu crumpled to the ground. "Don't worry about him. I'll clean it up."

Izumo blinked at Genma. "Did you really have to... Is he going to be okay?" He nudged Kotetsu with his foot.

"I figured I should stop him before you did end up breaking his neck. I've got to go make my rounds. I'll beat the sense back into him when I get back." Genma pulled another senbon out of his vest and stuck it in his mouth. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." He waved and headed for the door.

"That was a bit extreme." Izumo looked sadly at Kotetsu's unconscious form and then smiled cheerfully at Raidou. "Shall we go, then?"

Laughing, Raidou slung Izumo over his shoulder and headed back toward his room, passing through the kitchen where Aoba was attempting to eat breakfast. Luckily, the fountain of wrong was momentarily stoppered -- Aoba had his mouth full.

"Hey! Put me down!" Izumo squawked. "I can walk! It was Ko who got tagged, not me!"

Raidou set Izumo down, carefully. "Sorry. The opportunity was just too good. I don't know how many senses Kotetsu still has, but if he saw that, I'm sure I'll never hear the end of it. It just seemed like a completely inappropriate end to the conversation. I think I've been spending too much time with him." He pointed at Aoba.

Izumo rolled his eyes. "You're really not helping with the rumours, but yeah, that was pretty funny."

"If I'm going to get dirty looks from your boyfriend, I might as well make a show of it. Everyone else knows there's nothing going on here. Me and you -- hell, me and anyone." Raidou snorted and shook his head. "Heh. That's a joke." He ran a hand through his hair as he followed Izumo down the hall.

"It's not a completely alien concept, you know."

"Alien? No, not entirely. It's just a very past-tense sort of thing. The girls I knew are dead, and I look like me." Raidou laughed self-deprecatingly as he opened the door to his room. Like every other room, it was barely a room -- more like a closet with a small bed at the far end. Raidou tended to sleep on the floor -- one couldn't fall off the floor in the middle of the night.

"Hey, come on. You're not a bad-looking guy." Izumo protested, patting Raidou's shoulder. "I really think you put too much stock in that."

"Genma keeps telling me I look better than I did in the hospital, but no one took any pictures when my eyeball was still hanging down my face. It can't be that much of an improvement. Have you really looked at my face, recently? It's pretty damned disgusting. I try not to look in too many mirrors." Raidou pointed to the wall, where he'd hung a sheet over the full length mirror that had come with the room. "I don't need to see to shave."

"Your face really never bothered me. Made me do a double-take the first few times I saw you, yeah, but you don't...disgust me." Izumo sat down on the edge of the bed. "It makes you look --" He took a moment to find the word he wanted. "-- distinguished."

Raidou laughed and sat down next to him. "Well, it is in my paperwork as a distinguishing mark. You're not going to mistake me for anyone else, with a face like this."

"I really think it adds something." Izumo smiled reassuringly and patted Raidou's arm.

"Like what?" Raidou looked seriously unconvinced. "Genma tells me that chicks dig scars, but facial scars? Not so much -- and not this bad. I mean, Iruka's got something, but that's ... I dunno, he just looked sort of boring, before. He's got that sweet and harmless thing going for him, too, until he really gets pissed. And what about Kakashi? You don't see him getting jumped in the road, either. Of course, that might be because he's an irredeemable pervert. I don't figure that helps, either." He paused. "Ibiki. Obviously single." He stared at Izumo, just shy of condescendingly. He wanted to believe it, but the bulk of the evidence was not helping.

"You're absolutely right about Kakashi." Izumo grinned. "But, you're not a pervert, and you're not in torture and interrogation. You're not like them. You're a good guy, Rai. And, you know, not everyone likes a clean, pretty face. I think it..." He looked at the floor, embarrassed. "I don't think it's disgusting -- different, but not disgusting. I think it makes you look sort of handsome."

Raidou rubbed at the scar and studied the patterns in the concrete wall. "I hope like hell Kotetsu never hears that, or we're both going to get mauled. And I really don't get what's so handsome about a third of my face being --" He gestured vaguely and shuddered. "I'm very lucky to even have that third of my face at all, if even half of what Genma tells me is true. I guess it could be worse."

"I wouldn't say it in front of Ko, because he'd just give us shit about it, and you really don't need that. But, I'm not just making shit up. It's just...different, all right? I kind of like it, so there must be other people who do, too." Neither of them looked at the other.

"I might as well have 'poor impulse control' tattooed on my face. You know how I got this, right?" Raidou finally looked up, stealing a glance at Izumo before he returned to watching the wall. "My face serves as a warning to others."

"I never thought of it that way. I always saw it as a kind of badge of honour." Izumo frowned, not understanding. "You were fighting for the village."

"I was fighting for my sister. Fools rush in... It was a stupid accident that never would have happened if I'd been thinking, at all." Raidou shook his head, bitterly. "And no matter what Genma says about any of it, he's still a pretentious bastard and he sorely deserved that trip through the window. I can't believe he came after me, that stupid fuck."

"Well, of course you weren't thinking. I don't think many people were, at the time." Izumo said, quietly, looking uncomfortable. "Look, will you just believe me when I say I think you look handsome? I'm not making this shit up."

"You're allowed to say things like that. You're fucking Kotetsu -- we already know you're crazy." Raidou laughed and rolled his eyes, pushing away the memories of the fire.

Izumo joined in the laughter, but kept staring uncomfortably at the floor.

"It's a minor miracle that you haven't drowned him in the bathtub, yet. Of course, the only reason I haven't killed Genma at least five times over is because he's usually too fast for me to hit him squarely -- well, that and I'd kind of miss the bastard -- so I might not be one to talk..." Raidou shrugged and elbowed Izumo.

Izumo shrugged and finally looked at Raidou. "He's my best friend. If I killed him, I'd be short a best friend. Then I'd be kind of lonely, you know?"

"Yeah, I do know. Tempting as it is, sometimes, it's just not a practical answer." Raidou laughed. "I'm still trying to figure out when you two became part of the fucked up little family that Genma and I have. Somewhere along the line, you guys went from being the smutty little magpies that Genma loved to torture to being my other little brothers. It just kind of snuck up while I wasn't paying attention, I guess. I think that's probably why I didn't punch Ko in the face to shut him up." He considered for a moment. "Maybe I should punch him in the face a few times. It might help his retention rate."

"That or it'll make him forget why you punched him." Izumo laughed. "Brothers, huh? I guess that means I can't be blowing you -- unless incest flies in this family."

"Flies? I think it has its own thermal updraught." Raidou rolled his eyes. "You've got Kotetsu and Genma's got Hayate -- that's four brothers and two serious relationships, right there. I'm glad Aoba never keeps any of his girls long enough for me to have to really know them."

"Oh, right. Huh. So much for that out." Grinning, Izumo shook his head. "I guess I'm still blowing you behind Ko's back, then."

There was a long pause, during which Raidou looked oddly contemplative. "I don't think I'd know what to do with it, if you were."

"Heh." Folding his arms across his chest, Izumo looked away again, embarrassed to even be having this conversation. "Well, you're straight, so I guess you don't have to worry about that, right?"

"Straight's kind of a cop-out. I'm closer to asexual. I just don't get the appeal, at all, although I will admit to some perverse curiosity about why in the hell people do some of the things I've heard about. I mean, I ask Genma, sometimes, but that's not usually useful. He lives a little too much of it to remember being clueless."

"Oh. Uh..." Izumo looked somewhat chastened. "Heh, I guess if you're asexual, then you wouldn't want blow jobs, right?"

Raidou shrugged. "It's more that I really just don't care if I'm getting them or not, since I have no idea why I'd want one, or why anyone would give one. It just doesn't sound at all pleasant, on either side. That can't taste all that good, and I'm not really sure I want someone slobbering all over my crotch."

Somewhere in Izumo's head, the light began to dawn. "Wait, wait. You've never had one?"

"Nope."

"Aw, man, you're really missing out! It's fucking amazing!" Suddenly, Izumo was entirely sympathetic. Here was a man in his mid-twenties who had never once had his cock sucked. It was a true tragedy, if a little bit difficult to comprehend.

"Hm. Nope, still really not getting it." Raidou sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He stared at the ceiling as he tried to explain himself to Izumo. "The entirety of my experience can be summed up pretty simply. Before the fire, I was too good for girls. After the fire, girls were too good for me. The only times I've ever gotten anything have involved either my own hand in the obvious way or Genma's hands on my feet -- he's such a bastard." He blushed, remembering the last time Genma had given him a massage. He kept telling himself he'd wear shoes before he let Genma put a hand on him, again, but it was just more trouble than it was worth.

"I... damn. You really are missing out. Um... Let me see if I can put it in a way that makes sense. It's like... Well, first off, it's about fifty times better than even the best hand. Period. I know it sounds gross, but your cock is stuck in something very warm and very wet, and nothing feels quite like a tongue there. And if he hums while he's doing it..." Izumo broke off with a dazed smile, thinking about the incredible feel of Kotetsu's tongue and the way his whole body would tingle with every one of his best friend's rapturous moans. "Fucking amazing."

"Hums?" Raidou looked entirely confused by the idea. Was it even possible to hum with your mouth full? He thought about it for a while and concluded that it probably was.

"Vibrations." Izumo grinned, lecherously.

"I don't know. It still sounds kind of revolting." Raidou looked even more confused and shrugged. "Anything beyond 'insert tab a into slot b' -- with one of my hands standing in for slot b, of course -- is just a bit beyond me. I'm just not seeing the appeal. I guess I can't pass judgement, though, having never tried it."

"I guess it is kind of strange, but it feels like nothing else. You should really try it, sometime. I know you think no one would, but that's just not true. They would -- you just have to find the right person." Izumo patted Raidou's arm, again, comfortingly. "It's like I said, before: I think you're good-looking, in your own unique way."

Raidou persisted in looking perplexed as he eyed Izumo sideways. "Wait... was that an offer? I'm sorry, I can't tell. I've never been very good at these things."

"I... uh..." Izumo stared at Raidou in bafflement and stark surprise. "I thought you weren't into guys."

"I like tits and, by extension, girls. Girls are great, don't get me wrong. But, you know, I'm not entirely without curiosity, and I fail to understand the point, if not the principle, of most of the sexual acts that can be performed by any two humans. I mean, I've mostly got the whole tab a slot b thing, but that's because it obviously works pretty much like a hand -- tight and roughly cylindrical." This was quite possibly the most frank discussion of sex and his own quirks that Raidou had ever had, and it was terribly uncomfortable. He was sure he was supposed to be explaining how he could have made the mistake of thinking that Izumo was offering, but he seemed to be explaining why he wouldn't mind an offer. "You're the first person to express anything that might even pass for an interest since I left the hospital. Well, other than Genma. He threatens things, occasionally, but he's both my best friend and an uncompromising come-guzzling gutter-slut. I can never take him seriously -- he doesn't take himself seriously."

Izumo managed an uncomfortable chuckle. "Well, you know, a mouth is like a hand, but wetter and with more suction, and -- you know what? I'm full of shit. A mouth isn't anything like a hand. It's more like... like... um..." Scratching at his elbow, he studied everything in the room that wasn't Raidou. "Do you want me to show you what it's like?"

Raidou stared intently at a spot on the ceiling. "I don't know. Do you want to?"

"Well, I don't want to push any limits, here -- cross any lines that shouldn't be crossed, you know?" Izumo cleared his throat, obviously uncomfortable with, if nothing else, the sheer awkwardness of the conversation. "It's up to you, since you're the one who's never..." He gestured vaguely.

"I don't want to step on Ko's feet or anything. You're not a girl, so I'm not getting a stand up and salute, here, but I'm oddly curious, and you don't seem to find me entirely hideous." Raidou discovered that the more nervous he got, the more he rambled. He was entirely terrified at the idea of anyone touching him at all, nevermind a guy who belonged to someone else getting into his pants. Still, it wasn't the sort of offer one got every day -- in fact, Raidou hadn't gotten an offer for so much as a kiss in more years than he particularly wanted to consider.

"I keep telling you I don't." Izumo looked like he might get irked if he had to make that point again. "Besides, Kotetsu seems to be convinced that I've been blowing you for a while anyway, and he knows I wouldn't leave him, and -- hell, knowing Kotetsu? -- he'd probably consider this a charity act. So, you've got nothing to worry about from him. And if you really want to keep it a secret, I won't say a word."

"'Charity act'." Raidou snorted. "I really am that pathetic, aren't I?" He shook his head and stared up at the ceiling for a long, quiet moment. "You'd promise me it never leaves this room? I -- well, you should probably tell Kotetsu. If nothing else, if you admit to it after you do it, in some sick way you'd prove you weren't doing it before." He laughed awkwardly and looked slightly nervous, which was no mean feat, considering that somewhere in the back of his head he could hear his conscience and several parts of his mind rather vehemently objecting to the idea he was proposing. He was, after all, a ninja -- if he couldn't suppress his own terrors, he would be in the wrong line of work.

Izumo laughed just as awkwardly. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess it would." He picked at his fingernails. "So, ah, was that a yes? Do you want me to?"

The ceiling was fascinating, today, and Raidou just couldn't keep his eyes off it. "If you want to do it, I'm curious enough to let you try it."