Tortallan Characters in Court
Disclaimer: I disclaim any and all people, places, things and ideas belonging to Tamora Pierce or anyone else.
Chapter 1: Trial of the Terribly Troublesome Troublemaking Trio
Writer: Okay, time for a little magic! For the jury today, we have the following:
Keladry of Mindelan Veralidaine Sarasri Cloud
Cleon of Kennan Numair SalmalĂn Zek
Owen of Jesslaw Skysong (Kitten) Prince Roald
Lalasa Isran Emperor Kaddar of Carthak Princess Kalasin
Our witnesses:
King Jonathan Myles of Olau The Rogue George
Lady (Sir) Alanna of... Queen Thayet Liam (Shang Dragon)
And lastly... dun duh dun duuuuhhh... our villains!!! (Er... the defendants):
Duke Roger Lady Delia Alex of Tirragen
And now we need two lawyers. Hmm... I know!:
For the prosecutor, Sir Nealan of Queenscove!
And for the defendants, Ralon of Malven!!!
Ralon: Hehehehe... (Murmuring) I can beat that wimp Alan, I can... I can beat him! I will beat the little fleabag 'til he won't fight any mo-ore! Hahahaha! Must beat Alan... must...
Delia: Wait a minute. That... idiot... is going to be our lawyer?! No way! There is absolutely no way that I am going to be defended by a psycomaniac, I mean, I have standards!
Writer: Yes Delia, we all know what your standards are. Ba dum ba!
Ralon: Going to beat that wimp... I don't answer to wimps! Who says so?! Who?!?!
Delia: (practically purring with evil innocence) Listen, Writer, do you reeeally want that crazy man to ruin your nice, peaceful courtroom like this?
Writer: Okay, Delia. I guess you have a point. Bye-bye Ralon.
Poof
Delia: Ugh! Thank you!
Roger: Darling, we never say thank you to the good people. You know that. Bad Delia!
Delia: Yes master.
Roger: Now, go be annoying somewhere else.
Delia: Yes master. (Takes one step to the side)
Writer: Umm... thanks, I guess. Now let's have everyone in the jury stand up and tell us a little bit about themselves so we know what we're working with.
Kel: Does this mean we can say anything we want right now?
Writer: Uh... sure.
Kel: Okay. My name is Kel, I'm a knight and do you know what I love most in the world?! Neal!!! Be mine, please, Nealy wealy woo woo boop de doo doo!
Neal: (standing up) Nealan of Queenscove, Your Honor. (turning to Kel) Kel, if I were yours I would be a slave, and since there are no slaves in Tortall, your statement would be considered traitorous, therefore I advise you to think more carefully before you speak, as the things you say in this court room...
Cleon: Kel, I love you. Why won't you recognize my love, oh dove of my heart?
Owen: Jolly good speech Cleon! Jolly! Jolly! Jolly! Jolly! Jolly! Jolly! Jo...
Neal: Owen, please cease the noise coming out of the exceptionally large hole in your head that most would call your mouth!
Owen: Jolly good speech Nealy wealy woo woo boop de doo doo!!!
Lalasa: I am Lalasa and I'm not afraid. I am Lalasa and I'm not afraid. I am Lalasa and I'm not afraid....
Daine: Oh, Kadda', gi' ridda tha' vile creatia you ca' your wife. I love you! I love you! I looove you!
Numair: (sighs) Daine, we've been over this... You like me not him.
Kalasin: He's my emperor. Mine, d' ya hear me Daine!
Daine: Is not!
Kalasin: Is too!
Daine: Is not!
Kalasin: Is too!
Daine: Is not, is not, is not!
Kalasin: Is too, is too, is too!
Daine: Is not!
Kalasin: Is too!
Daine: Is not, not, not, not, not!
Kalasin: Is too, so there!
Roald: I command you to shut up!
Cloud: Me, Zek, and Kitten need a translator!
Writer: No, you don't. I am giving you the gift of human speech until this trial is over.
Cloud: Okay, then. I want a carrot. No, two carrots. No, three...
Roald: I command you to bring me a chair! I command you to bake me a pie! I command...
Jon: Shut up!!!
Neal: Ahem... King... Sire, what I mean to say is that you may not say anything until called upon as written in the Tortallan Books of Law, Volume VII, Section 29, Statement C.
Kel: Neal, Neal! I love you! Marry me!!!
Cleon: Kel, I love you. Why won't you recognize my love, oh dove of my heart?
Neal: The answer to that is that she likes me not you. Kel, I must entreat you to take a long look at Cleon who is actually free, at the present, from the confines of a relationship, while I, at the present, am engaged to my wonderful Yuki.
Kel: Neal, I need you! Marry me, please! I'll do anything!!!
Cleon: Kel, I love you. Why won't you recognize my love, oh dove of my heart?
Neal: (to Kel) Will you go marry Cleon and leave me alone?
Writer: Okay, now I think the witnesses should introduce themselves, starting with Jon.
Jon: I'm King Jonathan and I'm a prig!
Myles: Please don't put me in combat! Please!!! I'm just a poor desk knight and the palace drunk. I wouldn't make a good commander! Ple-e-ease!
George: Alanna, why don't you love me?
Alanna: Jon, I never meant to make you angry. I really do want to marry you!!!
George: Alanna, why don't you love me?
Thayet: Oh, Liam, I love you more than anyone else in the world!
Liam: Alanna, stay away from me! Must escape from magic... must die without magic... no healings, please!
Jon: Tha-a-aye-e-et! Get your butt over here! You love me, not some redhead. I detest redheads!
Alanna: That's not very nice! I'm a redhead, Jonny! Please don't marry that royal image of perfection that we know will make you a better queen than I!
Thayet: Wait a minute... If I only love Liam because he's a redhead, then that means... Alanna! My love! Come to me! Be mine!
Alanna: Okay, you're almost as good as Jon.
Jon: No! You can't do that! I won't let you! I command you to not love each other!
Alanna: I never followed your commands anyway.
Jon: No, no, no, no, no!!! This isn't how it's supposed to be. (points at writer) Don't you all see. She did this to you! She's the evil writer who's taking away all my admirers and lovers!!!
Writer: Neal, you may begin with the trial, since it seems that the only thing people are doing is ranting and raving about their pathetic love lives.
Neal: Okay, first the defendants must plead guilty and tell their stories.
Writer: Oh... well proceed, then.
Alex: Who do you want to go first?
Writer: Duke Roger, you'd better go first since you're the main criminal here.
Roger: I'm not a criminal! I am an evil genius, destined to rule the world!!!
Writer: You say you're destined?
Roger: Yes, I had a dream that one day I would overthrow my cousin and take the rest of the world by force.
Neal: Umm... I believe he has yet to plead his case...
Roger: Oh, by all means, I am guilty.
Delia: He's lying! He's not guilty... Rogey, tell them!
Writer: Delia, he pleaded guilty. That's all there is to it.
Delia: Well, I plead not guilty!
Alanna: You liar! You killed my brother by making him bring back Rogey!... Oops! I mean Roger! ...Really, we aren't having an affair or anything. I swear by the Goddess that I'm not with him to get back at Jon for picking that pretty little Thayet to be his wife instead of me!
Jon: Off with their heads! Off with their heads!!!
Writer: Which ones?
Jon: Roger, Delia, and especially Alanna!
Writer: Jon, you aren't the Queen of Hearts, and you can't order them dead. We haven't even heard Delia's side of the story.
Jon: All right, but I better get to chop someone's head off!
Alanna (to Thayet): He could chop his own head off if he was really so set on killing someone.
Delia: Well here's the truth... Rogey was so nice to me when I first came to the palace... and then he did the sorcerer's trick with the jewel thingy that made me mesmerized... then he let me seduce Jonny, but I swear that I didn't know what great danger it would put him in...
Myles: You liar! You said you only loved me!
George: Sir Myles?!?! What about my mother?!?!
Myles: That old bat?
George: I'm going to kill you!!! (Neal grabs him.) Let me at him!
Neal: No way. You'd have a terrible lawsuit after that and all of history could be rewritten.
Writer: You two need to calm down. We can't let you guys talk at random. Neal...
Neal: As my first witness, I bring to the stand Sir or Lady Alanna of Trebond, Olau, and Pirate's Swoop.
Alanna: She took my Jon! She took my Jon!
George: Alanna, why don't you love me?
Neal: Can you tell me what happened when you talked to Delia before the coronation?
Alanna: She took my Jon! She took my Jon!
George: Alanna, why don't you love me?
Neal: (Ignoring George) Yes we know that, but what happened when you were last talking to her before the coronation?
Alanna: She took my Jon! She took my Jon!
George: Alanna, why don't you love me?
Neal: Your...umm...Honor, I am finished.
Writer: Thayet, could you take Alanna outside for a few minutes?
Thayet: Sure.
Writer: Actually, could you lock Alanna in a room with George for a while? Maybe she'll gain her common sense back.
George: Finally, my love will be recognized and I, George Cooper, will begin the rest of my life!
Writer: Yeah, whatever. Umm... What's next, Neal?
Neal: Oh, yes. The Defense gets to call their witnesses to the stand and then the jury will decide...
Writer: Okay, okay. Defense?
Delia: I give up! But, I'll only come quietly if you don't make me wear those hideous robes they make you wear!
Writer: All right... If you really want to walk around naked...
Delia: No! NO!!!! (Breaks down, sobbing uncontrollably)
Jon: Yes, yes!
Thayet: But, Jonny Wonny!
Jon: (Plugging his ears) I can't hear you! I can't hear you!
Thayet: Wah! Where's Liam, where's Alanna! I want people to love me again!!!
Liam: Magic... It's taking over the world! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!! Just look at all those people reading J.K. Rowling, Tolkein... (Gasp) And even Tamora Pierce! Magic is taking over!!!!!
Neal: Actually, there is no such thing as magic and technically if people didn't read the Tamora Pierce books, we wouldn't exist because, well, the Writer wouldn't be writing this because she wouldn't know anything about us.
Writer: Hey, that's right... (Smiles evilly) I am the writer and I can get rid of you whenever I want. I think this is what I'll do... (Speaking to everyone) Okay, anyone and everyone who is acting strange is ordered to vanish immediately!
Poof! Everyone Vanishes.
Writer: Well, I guess the trial is over. I hereby sentence Duke Rogey... I mean Roger (blushes), Lady Delia, and even Alex, though he didn't get to protest his case, to a life of exile from any future Tortallan stories!
