For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple. I also could never be genius enough to write such a song as "White Blank Page" which is the property of the fabulous Mumford and Sons.
Okay, I caved to my own desires. I'm writing a new story. It's set some time after Pandora. So in this story line, Castle and Beckett have found out each others secrets but they're at some kind of weird place of what are we, how do we do this, etc.
So Hope you like it. Please, please, please review if you get the chance. I'm not sure how I feel about the 3rd person. I'm a first person type of gal so this is new for me.
I was listening to White Blank Page by Mumford and Sons and it seemed to fit what I wanted here thus the name.
I'm not sure when I'll get to update again. My internet's been out since Friday but I came to a coffee shop to post this. Hopefully it'll be up soon. I already have about half of the next chapter so…
Anyway, feedback/reviews are ALWAYS appreciated.
Thanks,
M:)
XXX
White Blank Page
CHAPTER 1
The crime scene instantly made her stomach ache. She wasn't halfway to the body before foreboding and inexplicable anxiousness washed over her. It was too early, too cold, and everything just felt wrong. Castle instantly noticed the change in her, the stiffening of her back and shoulder, and stepped closer unconsciously, offering silent support.
"You okay?" he murmured.
"Fine," she replied obligatorily.
Kate didn't expect what she found 20 steps later.
"Jolene Bakemen. 48." Lanie was subdued as she gave the report, trying to gauge her friend's reaction, "Multiple stab wounds, mostly to the chest. Liver temp suggests time of death between seven and ten last night."
Beckett barely heard the ME though. She was transported back 13 years. Back to waiting with her father for her mother at the diner. Back to coming home to find Detective Raglan waiting for them. Seeing his mouth move and hearing the words but not really comprehending the words, because her mother could NOT be dead.
This woman, Jolene, was her mother's mirror. Tall, pale, with wavy dark hair. She wore a nice shirt and carried a brief case. Her body was propped in a secluded part of an ally, surrounded by trash and a dumpster, and yet her face hadn't taken on a completely pained expression after her horrific death. Somewhere, beneath it, peace had somehow come to her.
"Beckett?" Lanie's worried voice ripped Kate from her thoughts and she turned to face her. There was a flash of red, and Kate noticed Alexis working swiftly behind Lanie but glancing over every so often, at the trio gathered around the body.
"Yeah, 7 to 10 last night. Thanks. Anything else?" Something warm touched her back and without looking she knew it was Castle. But she couldn't turn. Couldn't look at him because she knew that if she did turn and look at him, the roiling emotions that were barely being suppressed under the surface could break free and she would be incapable of doing her job. No. She needed to keep herself in check. Separate this case from her mother's because they weren't the same. They weren't.
Lanie crouched down by the body, pointing out details that Kate barely listened to, try as she might. She did step away from Castle's hand to kneel in an effort to get a different perspective.
Ryan and Esposito strolled over, giving her details about Bakeman's family and job, but it sounded like she was hearing it from underwater. Vaguely, she was thankful for Castle's presence. She knew he'd remember the facts that she was failing to grasp.
"Yeah uh… okay. Ryan, you contact next of kin and Espo can you canvass businesses nearby, find out if anyone saw something?"
The boys nodded but exchanged loaded glances with Castle. They all knew this case was seriously wrong with Beckett. Castle just nodded subtly at them, silently promising to take care of her. The other two left, albeit reluctantly.
Kate turned, after a quiet thanks to Lanie and a request to call her if anything new popped, and headed for the car, Castle in tow.
They got in and she started it mechanically, pulling smoothly into the light 5 AM traffic. The car was like ice. Well not exactly like ice… she mused, suppressing a shudder at the thought, but it really is cold. She reached for the temperature dial just as Castle reached for the tepid coffee that he'd left in the car. Their finger bumped and electricity shot all the way from her fingertips, up her arm, and settled somewhere just beneath the puckered scar in the middle of her chest.
She pulled back slowly, letting her fingers trace over the back of his hand. It was soft and warm and she almost immediately missed the contact when she replaced her hand on the grossly hard and frigid steering wheel.
Things with Castle, over the last several weeks had spun out from a fragile, but comfortable pattern of ignoring and pretending to wholly uncharted territory. She'd come across his murder board one day, completely unintentionally, after inadvertently leaning against the remote on his desk while she waited for him to dress in the other room for an early morning body call. He'd found her, stricken and horrified staring at the intricate web of pictures, evidence, and unanswered questions. He'd tried to explain but didn't get very far. She didn't yell at first, just asked her questions in a venomously controlled voice. After a few meek answers from him though, she'd started shouting.
She was not proud of what she'd said, by any means. They'd been doing so well and then suddenly everything had been pulled out from under her and she was in free fall. She yelled at him to never come near her or the precinct ever again.
That mandate had lasted barely 36 hours ( She felt miserable and guilty and she missed him far more than was rational) before she was tentatively knocking on his door.
XXX
"Can I come in?" She was quieter than he was used to.
Mutely he nodded, taking in the sight of her. Though it had barely been more than a day, she looked thinner, like she hadn't eaten. Her eyes were sunken and there were ill disguised purple crescents under her almost gold eyes.
"How… uh. How are you?" He was grasping at straws he knew but he had to say something.
"Fine." She answered upon habit.
"Kate."
"No look..." She ran a hand through her already messy hair and looked like she wanted to burst into tears, "Just… Just listen before you say anything. I haven't been at all fair to you. And you deserve that."
"Okay, Kate-"
"Just let me get this out, please."
He nodded again, giving her control of the situation, as always, and backing away to sit on the couch. She sank into the arm chair to his right only to stand back up and begin pacing.
"I don't even know how to start," she was talking to herself more than him, "not without making you completely hate me."
"I could never ever hate you, Kate." The sincerity in his voice made the guilt roiling in her stomach twelve times worse.
"I wouldn't be so sure about that," she whispered. Before he could respond to that she sucked in a breath and started.
"I lied."
"About?" he was completely oblivious. God, she was a horrible person.
"I lied about after I was shot. When I told you I didn't remember I lied. I remember everything."
Everything behind Castle's eyes, the light, the warmth, the understanding, the curiosity, the love, went out. Disappeared like she had snuffed out a candle.
"What?" It was a strangled whisper, like he was choking on air.
She almost couldn't speak for the pain she could see she was causing him. It went straight through her, spearing her heart, sucking the air from her chest,, "I remember you tackling me and what you said to me and…"
"Kate please." He was begging her to stop, to end the pain.
A tear escaped her control, "I wanted to say it too but… then I saw you and the hospital and Roy was dead and my mother's killer was still out there. I needed to time and space to breathe, figure things out, not get anyone else sucked down with me."
"And I would have given you that. You know that." He sounded angry.
"I know. I know and I'm so sorry."
Castle stood and brushed past her, tugging on his hair, "So… so this whole time you knew and you didn't say anything?"
Her silence was answer enough for him.
"God, Kate. I." his voice was louder than normal, "Why can't you trust me? I've been here for years. Years. and you still don't trust me! I don't know what to do, Kate. I said always and god damn it I mean it!"
"I know!" She was at a loss. He paced back and forth before her, uttering noises incongruous words of frustration and confusion and hurt.
After several moments she turned away from him, towards the door, "I'm gonna go."
"Oh nice, Kate, just ru-" he snarled, getting worked up again.
"No, Castle, I'm not running away. It's obvious you need time and space," she tried not to sound hurt or angry; she knew she didn't have the space to be, but she'd never seen him like this. It was a painful realization, figuring out that this was her fault. She'd made him like this.
"I'm not running away," she reiterated, "I'm giving you what I know you'd have given me if I'd let you have the chance. So, when you want to talk or anything, any time, come find me. I'll be there."
XXX
He'd lasted even less time than she had, barely 12 hours. He appeared at precinct, sleep deprived, disheveled, scared, but calm and ready to talk. As luck would have it, they'd completed their case the previous day. Castle and Beckett had spent over an hour in the break room sorting things out, explaining, recovering from the hurt. Knowing 'Mom' and 'Dad' were discussing things of a private, delicate nature, Ryan and Esposito quickly positioned themselves at both doors of the break room, barring anyone from bursting in and shattering the atmosphere and trying not to listen too closely.
That was how they'd ended up at their crazy stale mate. Both desperately wanted to be together but some unknown force was holding them back.
"Kate."
"Vic worked at a law office, yeah?" she interrupted, knowing the tone in his voice, and what he was heading towards.
He sighed, knowing that she was heading him off, but let it slide, "Yeah… yeah Ryan found an ID in her brief case." Almost unconsciously he laid an arm across the side of her seat. Not touching her per say, but close enough for his hand to brush her shoulder every time the car bounced over the road.
XXX
They made it back to the precinct before the boys and Kate started to set up the board, keeping her eyes on the photos in her hand. Castle watched her for a moment then, sighing, he made his way to the break room, knowing the detective would need a caffeine boost before long.
Beckett barely noticed, staring at the murder board, photos from the crime scene, still trying to separate the case from her mother's but the whole thing made her stomach churn. It might as well have been the shuttered window in her apartment.
This woman had a family, a life, a job, maybe even children. As kids crossed her mind, Kate clenched her fists. Those kids, her husband, if she had them, were going to be ripped apart. Would the husband drown his sorrows in the bottle? Would the kid have to move back to take care of her father, while she herself struggled not to succumb to the undertow of her mother's murder? Or would it end worse?
Kate was up and trying not to sprint to the women's locker room before she was even aware of her actions. The room was mercifully empty, smelling of sweat masked by perfume as usual, and she gripped the sides of the sink, unreasonable panic taking her over.
What if she couldn't solve this case? What if Bakemen's kid (she still wasn't sure one even existed but if one did…) went down a dark path, changed fundamentally, became like her, closed off, slow to trust, scared to love, all because Kate couldn't bring the killer to justice?
The though made her body wrench, heaving. Nothing but a mouthful of bile came up. She hadn't had anything to eat since much earlier the day before. Disgusted, she ran the water, washing away the fluid, but the retching pulled at her scars miserably. She pressed a hand over her chest and sank to the floor between two sinks, the water still running. She knew that sitting there wasn't doing anything for anyone but she couldn't breathe. Her lungs were constricted like metal bands being pulled tighter and tighter around her chest.
The door swung open tentatively and Kate tried to suck in a breath forcing herself to her feet.
"Beckett?" Castle poked his head around the door. The caring in his voice clenched her gut again and she turned back to the sink, heaving dryly.
He was at her back in seconds, "Kate, what-"
"Get out of here, Castle. This is the women's room." She choked out again, bent double over the sink.
"What happened?" he asked, ignoring her order and squeezing her shoulder as another tremor subsided.
"Just something I ate yesterday," she responded wildly.
" That's bull shit. We ate the same thing yesterday, Beckett." Castle slid closer to her and she tried to shrug him off.
"I'm fine, Castle, just leave me alone." She did not want him to see her like this, breaking apart, weak. She could pull herself up by her own bootstraps. This wasn't his problem to fix.
"Like hell." She heard him mutter but closed her eyes as she choked again, bent double over the sink.
Something cool and wet smoothed over the back of her neck. Contrastingly, a warm hand came to settle on her hip, "Shh. It's okay."
"I'm fine," She gasped, finally uncurling aching fingers from around the sink basin and trying to tug out of his grip. The cold wetness on the back of her neck disappeared and she heard Castle toss something into the trash can. Instead of checking out what it was, she ground her teeth and forced the tremors and choking to cease. Sucking in a deep breath and wiping away the tears (that were only a direct result of the choking) she started to walk away. It was time to get back to the case.
Castle stopped her with a hand around her thin wrist.
"Let me go, Castle." She continued to walk but he gave her arm a gentle pull and she stumbled back.
"No, Kate, look at me for just a sec."
"No, Castle, I gotta get back to the-"
"Kate." His hand was at her cheek, pushing away the hair that had come loose of her bun and fallen into her eyes.
"It's not her. Okay?"
"I know it's not her." Her bravado slipped and she cursed herself. His thumb caressed her cheek and she shuddered under his hand.
"I know you know, but…"
"What if I can't solve this one, Castle? What if she has a kid and-"
"We are going to solve this, Beckett. Like always. You, me, the boys, Lanie. We're going to bring this psycho to justice, okay? And the kid will be fine. We don't even know if she has one. But we'll make sure they're okay, alright?" his finger glanced over her cheek bones before gently forcing her chin so she could look at him. Unconsciously, Kate leaned into the pressure.
Blood gushing through her ears, roaring really. Her emotions were so conflicting. Terror, anger, sadness, love. And Castle was there through all of it, anchoring her.
So she nodded, cursing this new found weakness. They stayed there for a while, Kate leaned against the wall, Rick, with one hand on her cheek, the other rubbing small circles over the back of her hand, soothing her as she'd never allowed him to do before, waiting until they were both ready to go out and face the case.
