The Looney Tunes Players in:

Bye Bye Bunny

One fine day in the 1950's, you know, time of sock-hops, Cadillacs, drive-ins of the restaurant and movie kinds, yadda-yadda etc. and all that, the AlMaeLou music corporation and house of pancakes had just received a call that would affect its future (cue drumroll)…FOREVER! The record label was losing its #1 performer, Conrad Bunny (Bugs Bunny), to the draft. Looks like it was up to Conrad's manager and AlMaeLou CEO, the affable Albert Peterswine (Porky Pig), to straighten things out…

"Um, I know that, s-sir" stammered Albert, "but th-th-think of wh-what d-d-d-disastrous effects it, eh, w-w-would ha-would have…just think about that kids! …Oh no, I'm n-n-n-not s-saying THAT, I mean eh-be-de, eh, eh-be-de…two weeks from to-today…at the in-in-indu…enrollment office, yes. He'll be there."

And with that, Albert sullenly hung up the phone and pressed his little snout onto the table. The office door slammed so loudly all of a sudden, Albert sprung to his feet as did the drooping marigolds by the window. It was Rose Wowzerez (Petunia Pig), Albert's faithful secretary.

"Oh Rosie" Albert cried, rushing over to her for comfort. "This is the en-en-end of A-A-AlMaeLou! Conrad Bunny is g-g-going in-in the, eh, he's been drafted…"

"AND your faithful secretary is submitting her resignation" Rose replied nonchalantly.

That got his attention quickly.

"WHAT?! My pills! My pills! Get me my p-p-p-pills! You know, the ones I, eh, take when-when-whenever I get stre-eh-be-deh-eh-stre-eh-be—eh, frazzled!"

Reaching into her pocket, Rose pulled out a bottle of 'Pig Pacifier' brand aspirin pills. Plucking one out of the bottle, she handed it over to Albert. He grimaced, noticing that it was a whole pill.

"N-not a WHOLE one, Rose! B-b-b-break it in ha-eh-be, eh, split it."

"You're 32 years old, you can take a whole aspirin!"

"I'm-I'm n-n-not 32, I'm a lo-long wa-wa-eh, I'm far from 32. I won't be 32 until…t-tomorrow!" He then giggled, "Oh, hehehe, happy b-b-birthday to me! Wonder what p-eh-be-presents I'm gonna get."

Rose still wasn't budging. She placed her resignation letter, a 400-page whopper of a paper, on his desk while Albert took his pill. As the pill hit his tummy, steam blew out of his ears and his head popped off his shoulders and bounced all over the room before slamming right back onto his body (cartoon actors, what do you expect?).

"My mind's made up, Albert. I've been with this crummy business for 8 years and you still don't see me as more than just a secretary. I want something more than that!"

"R-R-Rose, if you're ref-eh-ref-eh-be-speaking of something more p-p-permanent, the answer is n-no. I'm n-n-n-n-not ready. B-b-besides, there ARE reli-reli-eh-be-nationality differences."

"Since when did being Spanish have anything to do with anything?"

"And if it's p-eh-p-eh, a chunk of the-eh c-com-company, th-th-the answer is no to that, too! AlMaeLou is, eh, ME, Mama, and, eh, oh yes, Lou. Any change in th-that would ki-eh-ki-he, destroy that wonderful, eh, woman who b-b-bore me."

"Nothing can kill your mother, Albert. She took on an entire group of muggers with karate."

"And I won't d-d-d-drop-eh-forget p-p-poor old Lou either, he loved you."

"I loved Lou too. He was warm, lovable, but he died six years ago and besides, he was a loudmouthed mutt!" Rose pointed to a framed photo of the two of them with Lou (Charlie Dog), who was tightly hugging the stuffing out of the two less-than-happy pigs, with the caption "Man's #1 Friend" underneath the picture. "Anyway, it's not part of the company I want. It's something much more important…and less tacky."

Albert couldn't take it anymore.

"R-Rose, if you're g-going to d-eh-discuss what I th-think you're going to d-eh-discuss, I'm in n-n-no m-m-mood to, eh, d-eh-dis-eh-di- oh, it's no use!"

"What's there to discuss? Conrad's a war-bound hare, I quit, and your car is double-parked in front of Old Man Marley's jalopy. Think of this as your chance to give up the business, start anew and go back to college to get your teaching degree."

"ROSE! I'm up t-up t-, eh, drowning in debt, Conrad has a $50,000 g-g-eh, promise that I can't pay, and I've taken a s-s-se-eh-be-deh-se-be I've had too much aspirin…"

And with that, Albert sighed and sat flat on the floor with Rose looking down at him.

"Albert" Rose began, pulling him up from the floor, "this could be your last chance."

"Ok, fine…I t-t-tell you what, stick w-w-with me unti-until I can pay the g-eh-g-guarantee and once I'm out of the r-r-r-r-red, I'll d-d-d-di-di-eh-shutter the company and return to the ac-eh-teaching life!"

"Albert" Rose responded, "you're on!"

"Of course, it could take a f-f-few, eh, y-y-y-eh-quite some time…" Albert began; all the while Rosie was looking through a few files. She found one that sparked her interest and brought it over to the stuttering, rambling pig.

"Pick a name" she said, holding the file in front of his face. No response. "Ah forget it, I'll pick one myself."

She rummaged through the file, going through names upon names, until she stopped and picked one out of the blue:

"Kim MacAffur, president and recording secretary of the Conrad Bunny Fan Club #8,675,309 of Sweet Acme, Ohio."

As Rose began making the call to the operator, Albert rushed to her side, all confused.

"Wh-wh-what's all this, now? Who's K-K-Kim M-M-Mac-eh, whatever her name is?"

"Kim MacAffur is your one-way ticket out of here! Here, let me explain…"

Rose brought out a chalkboard and drew it all out:

"We write one last single for Conrad called "One Last Kiss", which we promote by having him sing it to this Kim girl right before he leaves for the army. Conrad kisses the girl in front of a million screaming teenagers. The single sells for a hefty number of simoleons afterward, enough for you to pay the guarantee AND your way through college, and everyone lives happily ever after!"

"Eh Rose, th-th-that's bri-eh-bri-eh-genius! And I p-p-prom-prom-eh, you have my word. Once this is all d-d-do-eh, over, it'll b-b-b-be just you and me in perfect h-harm-eh-bliss and eh-be-deh, wait a sec…b-b-bliss? K-eh-kiss? That rhymes!"

Brimming with newfound inspiration, Albert, pulled out a typewriter and started work writing the new song. Rose's piggy face beamed. This plan was going to be fool-proof from the way it looked right now…until the phone rang.

"Hello? Whaddya mean all the phones in Sweet Acme are busy? Kim just got pinned to WHO now?"

Needless to say, it was going to turn out to be a LOONEY experience for all…