Emergency Help Wanted

DeiDeiArtistic: haha it's been awhile since I last posted a story, but let's have some fun with this ye?

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia, and I ripped this prompt from a post I saw on tumblr lol
Claimer: I own the plot of this story

Chapter 1

Worst Lie Ever

I

richmond – all richmond – community – volunteers

reply prohibited[?] Posted 5 minutes ago

Emergency Help Wanted

i fucked up, i fucked up baddddd. I'll be honest, i'm a little scared and freaking out right now. I lied when i got my job. I told my boss i had a kid. No reason other than wanting to leave work early. yanno like, 'Oh I've got to pick the squirt up from daycare' 'the school called and I need to pick him up from the nurse' 'the little guy's sick and I've got to watch over him'. Long story short i'm in too deep. i didn't think it through. my lies are coming back to bite me in the ass and i'm freaking out dudes. freaking. out.

I'm looking to rent a kid for bring your kid to work day, which is I guess a real thing. and it's next monday. and it's wednesday. and i don't have a son, and i need a son. so yeah i really screwed myself over here.

The kid's gotta be about 4 to 6 (5?) years old with blond hair. He's gotta play soccer and pretty much he's gotta look like the photo I ripped off Google [link]. Also he's gotta be artistic cause the macaroni noodle drawings [link] i made seem a little too advanced for someone his age, so he's got to also respond to "My Little Picasso" cause i may or may not call him that. Also i will pay extra for someone willing to play the role of 'Nadia' when dropping him off. 'Nadia' is a defense attorney and is too busy to take of our son (which is why I'm the 'emergency contact' for our son), and you know what just message me for the deets

Renting price is debatable but I'm willing to pay $50.

EDIT: i am not a pedophile, i just need a fake son for bring your kid to work day WHICH IS REALLY SOON PLEASE HELP I DON'T WANT TO GET FIRED I'VE JUST STARTED WORKING HERE FOUR MONTHS AGO DDDD;

• serious inquiries only

• do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

post id: 0007041776 posted: 5 minutes ago updated: about 1 minute ago email to friend best of[?]

Alfred stared at his ad and gnawed on his lip. That was a good ad, right? Alfred sat up straight from his computer and combed his bangs back, pulling down his hair in frustration. He was currently at home, sitting on his bed trying to relax from the day he's had. It wasn't a bad day at work per se, however just the last few hours of it had Alfred's world shaking. As foretold in his ad, Alfred needed a child to bring over to work. And at 22 years old and still in college, Alfred did in fact not have a son. A small lie on a job application that grew bigger over the last four months.

It was wrong to lie to his boss like that, but Alfred had to be Alfred and do such for selfish reasons. So as he filled out his application online, he stupidly lied about having a son, and he got the job, lie and all. Soon it became more than the small white lie that gave him a somewhat larger paycheck. Not too longer after he started working his first weeks in the office, Alfred dared himself to abuse his lie. He started to use his "son" as a get-out-of-work card.

Excuse after excuse, Alfred was squeezing out of work to pick up his kid, but in reality he was leaving for a matinee, or going out with his friends, or go shopping. Whenever Alfred wasn't feeling like a whole day of work, he faked calls and texts to get himself out of work on short notice. Despite his recklessness though, he'd always been wary to draw out those absences so as not to draw attention to himself.

However, no matter how cautious Alfred thought himself to be, it didn't matter any more. The morning had gone on regularly until lunch, when his coworker Elizaveta asked Alfred if he was going to bring over his son to work. Alfred though she was joking and he laughed, asking why he'd do that. And then Elizaveta told him about Bring Your Kid to Work Day, and in that moment of time, Alfred really wished she was joking.

Naturally Alfred tried to brush away the subject, saying he didn't want to bring his son to work if the kid.

"Nah, he'd get bored sitting in an office with me all day. Kid likes his TV and games."

That alone should have squeezed Alfred from having to bring his kid to work, but Elizaveta gave him an incredulous look before promptly breaking Alfred's hope. Unbeknownst to him, there was a daycare center available for him to drop of his son from within work. Elizaveta had patted Alfred's shoulder as if she'd just eased his worries.

"Oh don't worry about that. Your son won't be bored at all. I'm bringing my son over and I think Berwald is as well. There will be a lot for them to do here. Come on, it'll be fun and exciting for them." Elizaveta said, nudging Alfred with her elbow.

Against his better judgement, Alfred found himself agreeing, or at least promising that he'd think about it. And before he knew it, after lunch was over and the rest of the day came and went, it seemed liked everyone was excited to see Alfred's son. And Alfred never felt scared for a lie than the time he told his mother that he didn't use her credit card for a porn subscription back in high school (he did and he mostly felt embarrassed by that thinking back).

Still, Alfred wasn't sure how he was going to get out of this lie. Lying to his mom got him grounded, but being fired from a job was worse. And he had no idea how to fix it. His only idea was his Craigslist ad, but… Objectively, it's wasn't the worse ad out there, but seriously, what the hell was he thinking?

In a perfect world, he could ask a friend if he could borrow their kid and he could go to work pretending he had a child and he can still have his job and that solves that. Hmm, on second thought. That would be a very questionable world, but that's what Alfred was pretty much hoping for. For once Alfred wished he had a better sense of consequence. Or that he paid more attention to the very real reality of risks in the first place. Living in the moment wasn't always such good idea it seemed.

Glancing at his clock, Alfred winced as he read the time. 7:24PM. In a little over four days, Alfred needed to find a kid. He's only just posted his ad online, but Alfred could just feel that Monday would be upon him and all his lies would tumble down on him. Exiting his browser, Alfred shoved his laptop away and flopped down on his pillows as he turned to his side.

Pulling up his smartphone, Alfred loaded his search on Craigslist to look at his ad once again. This really was too short of a notice to make a request. Sure people might see it, but how the hell was Alfred going to find a kid that looked similar to a photo he found on Google? Hell, what kind of parent would rent out their child to some stranger? Well, Alfred's not a creeper so it's not like he's going to do anything to the kid. Just sit him in the daycare center until his shift was over… If anyone took his offer that was.

Narrowing his eyes, Alfred swiped through his notifications. Looking at his latest messages, there were no new texts, especially from unknown numbers. There were certainly no calls either, and there were no new emails. It was just the same mix of read and unread messages. No new notifications that pointed to his ad yet he kept staring at his phone hoping that a text, a call, a notification would sound and someone out there was asking, "Hey are you still looking to rent a kid?"

Alfred shuddered. Okay that sounded awful but he really was desperate. Navigating through his contacts, Alfred clicked on his brother and listened to the dial as he waited for his brother to answer. When Matthew finally picked up, Alfred let out a mixture of a groan and a sigh.

"Fuck, Mattie help me. I screwed up, I screwed up bad." Alfred cried as he sat back up with his legs crossed. "Look, can I meet you up at your place?"

"Why am I not surprised this is the first thing I hear from you."

"Mattie, I love you, but I'm in no mood for your flat attitude. I seriously need help." Alfred frowned as he heard his brother snort in disbelief.

"Why? Is it a little too much to ask for a brother that calls out of genuine love and affection, maybe asks about my day, and not because it sounds like he pissed off a drug dealer over bad crack."

Alfred furrowed his brows. He wasn't sure what Matthew was doing at the moment, but maybe Alfred hadn't called him at a good time? Matthew seemed a lot more grouchier than normal. Or in general. "Um…"

"Exactly," Alfred heard Matthew sigh. "Fine, you can come over."

At that, Alfred jumpt from his bed and began to toe-on his shoes. "Oh great! Thanks, I just really need to talk to you and I don't think a phone call will cut it."

"Um, you didn't really piss off a crack dealer did you?"

Alfred let out a weak laugh as he grabbed his jacket and set his phone down on his bed. "I put you on speaker but god Matt, I wished I pissed off a crack dealer. I'd gladly receive a bloody finger from the Mexican cartel then fucking get fired from my job."

"Okay— wait what do you mean get fired? You didn't steal anything, did you?" Matthew asked, his voice buzzing over the mic as Alfred stuttered incoherently before promptly shrugging on his jacket and grabbing his phone.

"Uh, I'm heading out now but I'll tell you more about it when I come over. You haven't eaten right? No? Okay! I'm bringing over Mickey D's then. 'Kay, love you, bye!" Alfred called out before promptly hanging up on his brother.

Wincing as he looked at his phone, Alfred quickly pocketed it as he grabbed his keys and headed out from his studio apartment. He knew Matthew was definitely not happy with him, but Alfred preferred not to get into it over phone.

"Sorry Matt, but I'll explain everything when I come over," Alfred muttered to himself as he locked up his door. "God you're going to be so mad at me…"

II

When Alfred arrived at Matthew's, he was wearing a wary smile and holding drinks and a bag from McDonald's, but the look on his brother's face told him dinner wasn't going to ease the trouble he was in. But Alfred really needed to confide to his brother, and McDonald's was his comfort food.

Making way for his brother to step inside, Matthew leaned against the door with his arms crossed. "Seriously, what did you do? Just what is this about you getting fired?" He asked as Alfred sat the bag of McDonald's on his kitchen counter. "Did you steal something?"

Rolling his eyes, Alfred grunted as he rummaged through the bag to get his food. "Dude, I'm not a lifter. What am I going to steal? A stapler? No I just… I lied in my application, okay?"

"Lied? About what?" Matthew asked as he closed his door to stalk over to Alfred.

Even though he asked to meet in person, Alfred was hesitant about answering. Hell, he called Matthew just to confess about this and now he wasn't so sure about that any more. But it was a little too late to run. Grabbing his burger and his drink, Alfred turned away from Matthew and walked over to the living room.

In Matthew's living room, there were papers and textbooks stacked here and there over the coffee table and sofas as well as pens and markers. The TV was on but set to low and Alfred figured Matthew was using it for background noise as he did homework. Whoops.

"Alfred? What did you lie about?" He heard Matthew ask again, a little more firmly than before. "It's not like tax fraud or anything like that, right? You didn't do anything illegal, right?"

"No, nothing like that but…" Alfred flushed and started feeling both sheepish and ashamed. He toyed a bit with the burger in his hand, taking a bite as he contemplated his thoughts. "I, uh… Does lying about having a kid count as illegal? Like, pretending to have a son?"

After that, the room was in complete silence except for the noise from the TV. For a moment, Alfred wondered if Matthew heard him at all, or if what he said ever made sense. But Matthew definitely heard him.

"You lied?" Matthew shouted. The look and sound of him told Alfred he was exasperated as ever. And Alfred didn't blame him, however he felt more comfortable talking about this with Matthew than anyone else. Even if Matthew was mad as hell at him.

"You lied about having a kid!? I, I— Why would you do that!? Who even does that? Literally lying that you have a kid? What point is there even… That is the most stupidest—"

"Yes Mattie! It's stupid! I know!" Alfred shouted back, nearly squashing the burger in his hand. "God I know it's stupid, but sometimes I wanted a fake excuse to get out of work and—"

"And so you lie about having a kid? Oh my god, Al, you should get fired." Matthew deadpanned. Alfred could feel himself turning red, but he bit his tongue and let his brother speak. "Seriously Al, what the fuck."

"I know, I know! I really fucked up with some stupid shit, and prolly for all the wrong reasons, but Matt I can't get fired. It's not going to look good for me in the long run for the next time I look for a job."

With his own meal in hand, Matthew finally joined Alfred in the living room. Plopping down next to his books, Matthew shook his head as he took a sip of his drink. "Well maybe you should have thought about that before you said you had a kid."

At that, Alfred tossed a couple of fries into his mouth and pouted. "I know. I just… I thought it wouldn't be that big a deal and that I'd get to cut work short for 'family emergencies' and… Fuck I'm just really stupid Matt."

"I know. I'm sitting here next to you explain that you lied about having a kid." Matthew said dryly as he flicked a fry at Alfred.

"Mattie, I don't know what to do here. This Monday, it's Bring Your Kid to Work Day— which apparently is a real thing! I thought those were just stereotypical TV plots but! It's real and I'm really fucked because I promised I'd bring my kid to work!"

"But you don't have a kid."

"Exactly!" Alfred shouted as he finished off the rest of his bigger. Rolling his wrapper into a ball, Alfred took a swig of his soda. Leaning back on the couch, Alfred groaned. "I'm freaking out. I know it's only Wednesday, but I don't think anyone will respond to my ad on time."

Stopping mid-bite, Matthew looked at Alfred questioningly. "Wait, what ad?"

"Um… My ad on Craigslist?" Alfred said out meekly. Did he fuck up even more by making that?

"Your ad on Craigslist. Do… Do I even want to ask what you even wrote?" Matthew asked as he resumed eating his burger.

"Uh… Maybe? Hold on, I still have the page on my phone." Alfred said as he took out his phone. Loading his web app, Alfred handed his phone over to Matthew.

Quietly munching on fries, Alfred watched his brother's eyes flick left and right as they scanned over his ad. The silence was making him a bit worried, but it hardly mattered given Alfred was more concerned about Monday.

"You know, writing 'I'm not a pedophile' makes you more suspicious of being a pedophile." Matthew said as he handed Alfred back his phone.

"I think it's suspicious either way because I'm fucking desperate Matt. I am literally begging to rent someone's kid and fuck there really is no better way to say that."

Matthew shrugged and smiled at Alfred. "The point still stands, but what are you going to do if no one replies to your ad?"

"Start looking for a new job and turn in my two-week notice."

"Then why worry about bringing a kid? Just do that." Matthew asked as he watched Alfred bury his face into his hands.

"Because it's a really good gig and with a nice work-study program. Just sitting at my desk and looking pretty as a receptionist. Taking calls, helping out with directions, doing my homework when there's not much to do. My coworkers are pretty nice…"

"Well if it's so good, why bother faking having a kid."

"Because it also gets boring and we've already addressed that I'm stupid, okay?"

Matthew rolled his eyes with a shake of his head. "Okay, so, what are you going to do?"

Alfred sighed and his shoulders slumped. "I don't know. I just had to vent. I'm sorry for bothering you. I saw that you're doing homework."

"It's fine. Thanks for telling me though. It'll be less of a surprise when you get fired."

"Too soon Mattie," Alfred pouted as he watched Matthew laugh to himself.

"Sorry, just… I guess I hope things turn out fine for you. I mean, what you did was really stupid, Al, but you're my younger brother and I don't like seeing you get in trouble, even though I should be used to that…" Matthew said as he crumpled up his burger wrapper.

"Ha, thanks." Alfred said dryly as he looked over at the papers Matthew had out and about. "So what are you doing anyway?"

"I'm making notes for a test I have soon."

Alfred picked up some of the papers, furrowing his brows as he looked over at them. Psychology. He could hardly understand whatever he was looking at. Alfred was studying robotics and artificial intelligence, the study of the human brain was hardly his expertise. Still, he interrupted his brother's study time.

"Sorry for bothering you, anything I can help you with?" Alfred asked as he set the papers back.

"Hmm, throw away this garbage, but I guess you could help me with some notecards?" Matthew said as he gestured to the McDonald's wrappers and his work.

"Alright, cool." Alfred said as he began to pick up after his brother and himself. Not too long after that, despite the fight with his brother, Alfred felt better than before. Sure, he was still worried about the situation, but at least Matthew was on his side. Even if by a little.

i

Alfred done fucked up

FFN likes to fight the formatting for this piece...

Also, I hadn't beta'd this so if there are any mistakes, whoops