Wakko: Uh, why are we doing this?
Pearlyblue: Doing what?
Ladybug: What? What? Huh?
Wakko: You know, this. This… dialogue before the thing… thing.
Ladybug: What thing? What are you talking about?
Pearlyblue: Well, Mary Sue authors, especially those who co-authors their works with others – like we are – often does these kinds of things. Script-form dialogue before the actual story starts. It's usually very annoying and a big no-no, really, but we're establishing a humoristic precept, here.
Ladybug: Mary Sue-who? Pre-what? Script-que? What the he** are you talking about? *looks confused* And why can't Ladybug say he**?
Pearlyblue: We're going to try keeping this PG-13… at least at first, so take it easy with the swearwords.
Wakko: Yeah, like thirteen-year olds (or five-year olds, for that matter) get all upset if you say he**. Or fu**.
Pearlyblue: Dudes, the adults get upset, okay? Keep it down.
Wakko: So shouldn't it be PG-40, then? *grin*
Ladybug: *laughs* …Oh, no, wait, Ladybug still don't know what you're talking about…
Pearlyblue: *sighs and rubs brow* You know, Ladybug, the story we've been talking about, like, ALL DAY?
Ladybug: …Yeah…?
Wakko: *in the background* …And I don't see how we're going to write a story about the Hawks… with Guts and Corkus and all… without using swearwords – I mean, they swear all the f***ing time…
Pearlyblue: *Very patiently* That's the story we're going to start telling, now. We're just starting out with a…
Ladybug: Oh YEAH! Ladybug remembers! It was that story with the… and the… and how they all like… and like… Yeah!! Woo hoo! Let's get to it!
Wakko: …I mean, if we're going to censor Corkus and Guts, they're either going to come off as out-of-character like he**, or total wusses… Hey, I can say "wuss"!
Ladybug: Cool! Wuss, wuss, wuss…
Pearlyblue: *Getting exasperated* Well, of course you can say "wuss", that's not a swearword... *sigh* Alright, we'll up the rating and keep the swearwords, okay?
Ladybug: *From the background* Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss… Hey, what about all the sex in this story? Are we going to have to "sensor" that, too?
Pearlyblue: Uuh… well… there IS a limit to what kinds of fic you're allowed to publish on this site…
Wakko: Ah, no porno, I got it. …shame.
Pearlyblue: Er… yeah. But there are tasteful ways of doing those parts…
Wakko: *Raises eyebrow* There are?
Ladybug: *Squeals* COOL!
Pearlyblue: *Rubs temples* Yeah, so… uh… shall we?
Ladybug: …Wuss, wuss, wuss… Shall we what?
Pearlyblue: 'Scuse me for a second… *pounds head against wall*
Wakko: *To Ladybug* Let's get this show on the road.
Ladybug: *Cheerfully* Okay!
Wakko: So, readers, I'll bet you've all encountered them at some point before: The stunningly beautiful, perfect, chirpy…
Ladybug: Sparkly!
Wakko: …yeah… uh, original female characters who quickly snares the hottest guy and beats the crap out of all the villains with both hands tied behind her back and a blindfold on. *pauses for a moment* …kinkyyy… Uh, I mean: The infamous Mary Sue!
Ladybug: *Sings* Hit the road, Sue, and doncha come back no more, no more, no more…
Wakko: *Places hand over Ladybug's mouth* Exactly. We don't like her either – that's why we've decided to make our own Mary Sue… and turn her into a parody. So make sure you've got your sense of humour set to "on" before you plunge into this story, okay? Otherwise you can just fumk mff…
Pearlyblue: *Presses hand against Wakko's mouth* Language! God! *sighs and turns to readers* Yes. We're writing a Mary Sue. And we're publishing it. And we're having d*mn fun writing it, too!
Ladybug: Ha ha, you said d*mn!
Pearlyblue: *Ignores Ladybug* And we're actually not publishing it only to annoy people – we also hope to entertain. But be warned: In the true spirit of Mary Sue-ism, the world of Kentaro Miura's "Berserk", as well as the original, canon storyline, will never be the same again.
Wakko: A-men to that…
Ladybug: What? Are we in church, now? When did that happen?
Pearlyblue: …So without further ado… let's get it on!
Wakko: *Raises eyebrow* Kinky…
Pearlyblue: Shut UP! Oh, yes, and we do in no way own anything that Kentaro Miura originally created. The Mary Sue and her attributes are ours, as well as this crazy story concept, but nothing more.
Ladybug: Eh?
Pearlyblue: *Sigh* That's what's called a "disclaimer", it's a… *voices fade away. Cue dramatic intro music.*


~ ~ ~ The story begins… (finally) ~ ~ ~


Chapter one: Sylvia.


Her clothes were torn, as if they had been ripped and shredded by some malevolent force, and they only barely covered her curvaceous body. The cold water of the river lapped lazily around her prone form, lightly kissing her narrow waist and lending her milky-white, soft skin a sleek glow. Her waist-long reddish-golden curls cascaded down her back and moved gently with the currents of the river, like seaweed of pure sunlight.

Her almond-shaped eyes were closed, as if she was merely sleeping, but her breaths were uneven and shallow, and there were long gashes on her back from which slow, ruby droplets of blood trickled down her otherwise smooth skin. Where the blood mixed with her hair and the chilly river water, the effect was like that of a colourful autumn sunset.

That was how Judeau found her, when he finished his scouting round around the Hawks latest campsite. For a brief moment, he could only stare in awe at this image of perfection – as if a goddess had somehow fallen from the sky and landed in the river – but then he noticed the bleeding wounds on her back and shook himself out of his daze, quickly turning back the way he had come.


"Heey, Griffith!"

Griffith turned around at the call from his scout-commander and raised a questioning eyebrow as the blond man came running up to him.

"I found something," Judeau panted, pointing back over his shoulder with one thumb. "And I think you need to see this. Bring a doctor."

"A doctor?" Griffith furrowed his white, perfect eyebrows. "What is this "something", really?"

"A woman… she's unconscious and hurt." The scout's eyes flickered uncertainly to the side for a moment, then resettled on Griffith's. "And… I'm not sure, but I think she looks like a noble of some kind."

"Really? A noblewoman? Out here?" Intrigued, Griffith hurriedly summoned the camp's field surgeon and followed Judeau back to the river.

The woman did indeed look like a noble, with her smooth, milky skin and long, flowing hair – in fact, she was quite possible the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Certainly the most flawless – where all the other pretty noble-girls who would hound him whenever he visited the capitol were precious gemstones as far as looks were concerned, the woman laying half way into the river was absolutely a most exquisitely carved diamond.

He quickly made his way down to the riverbank and took her gently into his arms, turning her around so he could lay his eyes on the beautiful features of her face. Flawless.

A glittering pendant hung from a thin silver chain around her neck, and rested neatly between her firm breasts. It was a large, white-and-blue diamond, cut in the shape of a tear.

The woman drew a faint, shaky breath and her long, dark eyelashes fluttered, her rose-coloured lips parting slightly.

"Do not be alarmed, my Lady," he murmured soothingly. "You are safe now, and your wounds will be tended to immediately."

She shivered in his arms and frowned delicately as her big, almond-shaped eyes fluttered open. They had the most remarkable colour, he thought. One a deep, moss green, the other a dark amethyst purple.

Their eyes met for a brief eternity, and then she spoke. Griffith was for a moment too captivated by the sweet, melodious sound of her voice to realise exactly what she had said – then he caught up with himself and frowned in confusion. What she had said was:

"Oh drat. You really sounded like a man, there – got my hopes up."

Griffith blinked. "Pardon?"

She sighed and stretched a little in his arms. "Ah well. I was so hoping that a handsome man would save me…" She looked back at him again and frowned slightly. "You know, you've got a really dark voice for a woman." Then she smiled in a way that made him completely forget his indignation at being mistaken for a woman.

"Thank you, anyway," she said, beaming. "I've had a really rough time and it's so sweet of you to want to help."

The woman began to stand up and, bewildered, Griffith rose to help her.

"My Lady," he tried again, "I am a…"

"What's wrong with those guys?" she interrupted him, looking over his shoulder at Judeau and the field surgeon. "They look like they're choking or something…"

Griffith turned around and gave the two men a questioning look. They were leaning on each other, their faces unusually reddish in hue. The field surgeon seemed very strained, and Judeau looked much too innocent. Griffith let his eyes convey a brief, annoyed glare, then turned back to the woman, pointedly ignoring the two.

"Pay no attention to them, my Lady. Please, allow me to introduce myself: I am Griffith, commander of the Band of the Hawk. And you are…?"

She gave him a confused look. "Griffith? That's an unfortunate-sounding name for a girl… but you're a commander, you say? That's good for you! Girl power!" She gave him an encouraging pat on the back and another one of those heart-melting smiles. "Myself, I am Jade Arvensis Ifolia Tellima Silene Emeraldine Virgaurea Beccabunga Agathea Linaria Sapphirenne Jasione-Montana Viscaria Nieva Trefida Chrystine Chatoyancer." She paused briefly, taking in their dazed expressions, before giving a small, adorable giggle. "I know, silly, isn't it? I had a lot of relatives who all wanted to name me… But I call myself Sylvia, for short. People usually find that easier to remember. I sure do."

Judeau took a deep breath and picked his jaw up from the ground. "Uh… huh. Yeah. Makes a lot of sense. I think."

When Sylvia turned back to Griffith, he saw Judeau and the field surgeon exchange a bewildered shrug behind her back.

"So," she asked, her fingers working at a tangle in her red-golden hair, "Can you tell me where I am? I'm afraid I've gotten myself a little lost… do you live around here?"

"Er… You're about three day's march east of Windham, my Lady… and my army and I have set up camp just over that rise over there. However, I feel that I should point out that I am, in fact, a ma…"

"Windham?" she interrupted, looking away and tilting her head to the side in a most adorable fashion. "Windham… Windham… Doesn't ring a bell, I'm afraid. Man," she sighed, "I'm really lost, aren't I?"

"Uh… Lady Sylvia, if you will hear me out…"

"Oh god, look at my clothes!" Sylvia again interrupted. "I look like a total mess! God-poo-it, he ruined my clothes, the dork-head! Ooh… and I'm wet and cold… and hungry." In an instant, Sylvia had turned from cheerful to miserable-looking, and her plump, pink lower lip trembled weakly. She hugged herself and sniffled cutely, unconsciously emphasising her full, round bosom. Turning her heartbreakingly imploring eyes on Griffith, she mumbled hesitantly – an adorable blush creeping onto her high, delicate cheekbones,

"Will you please let me stay with you, Lady Griffith? I promise I will pay you back, as soon as I can… I won't be any trouble at all, I swear…"

"Uh… well, certainly," Griffith amiably agreed, trying to ignore the choked sounds that the two men behind him were making. "But I really must say: I am not a lady, ma'am – I am a..."

"Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I promise you won't regret it, Lady Griffith!" Before he knew it, she had thrown herself into his arms and hugged him tightly, the flowery scent of her hair enveloping and completely overwhelming him for a moment.

"Nnh… y-you're welcome…" was all that he could say. After a short while, she backed away again, a small frown creasing her flawless brow.

"What's… the matter, my Lady?" He said, for a moment surprised at how affected he felt when seeing that perfect face marred by worry.

"Uh… nothing. I'm sorry, you must already be self-conscious about it… I'm not going to say anything. But it doesn't matter, though! With eyes as pretty as yours, who's going to look at your chest, anyway?"

Again, Griffith blinked.

"My chest?"

Sylvia leaned in closer towards him and whispered confidentially:

"I said, don't worry about it. Believe you me: having large breasts isn't all it's cracked up to be! Just be happy with the way you are. You're a gorgeous woman!"

Behind Griffith, Judeau burst out in helpless laughter. The field surgeon sounded like he was about to explode as well, as he eagerly implored Judeau:

"What? What did she say? Tell me, man! For God's sake, tell me what she said!"

As Griffith struggled to reel in his inappropriately flaring temper, Sylvia walked over to the two laughing men with an uncertain smile on her face.

"What? What's so funny?"

Judeau carefully wiped the tears from his eyes and placed one arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer for a short moment to whisper in her ear. Her flawless cheekbones immediately flushed with colour, and she pulled away from Judeau with a disbelieving look.

"No! Are you kidding me?"

Still shaking with barely contained laughter, Judeau shook his head. Sylvia turned back to Griffith, her beautiful eyes and mouth wide open in shock.

"You… you are a man? You're really a man?"

"Yes," Griffith responded, a tad more harsh that he had intended. "I've been trying to tell you so…"

He was once again interrupted as Sylvia's slender hands begun roaming over his chest.

"God, I just can't believe it… I mean, sure, you're really, really flat, but…"

"AH!"

"Oh my god!" Sylvia gasped, clutching her mouth with both hands. "You are! You really are! Oh god, I am so, so sorry! I'm sorry!"

"That…" Griffith firmly scolded the remorseful woman, covering the area she'd just grabbed with one hand, "…was most un-lady-like!"

"I know," Sylvia whined, wringing her hands. "I'm not, you know. I'm really not a lady. I've never been a lady, I'm a warrior, really – I'm so, so sorry La- Sir Griffith!"

Griffith closed his eyes for a moment, gathering himself. This woman was just about as confusing as she was beautiful – he could not recall any time when someone had made him become so… off-balance… before. He looked up at her again and gave her his most charming smile.

"It is quite alright, my Lady. No harm done. Let's go back to my camp, so we can tend to your wounds properly, shall we?" He offered her his arm but she just smiled in that radiant way of hers and nodded happily.

"Okay! Thank you so much, La– Sir Griffith! I won't forget this!" She cheerfully started towards the campsite, but the field surgeon halted her with one hand on her arm. As she turned to face him, the man immediately withdrew his hand and blushed bright red.

"Er… I'm sorry, ma'am… er… but… I-if you wish, I can put some quick bandages on… er… your wounds… um…"

She tilted her head to the side and gave the surgeon a smile that made Griffith feel oddly displeased.

"Oh, that's so sweet!" she said, "but I'm okay, really. Look."

She tore a strip of cloth from her torn shirt, exposing a strip of smooth, milky-white skin over taut abdominal muscles, and proceeded to wipe the blood off from a gash on her arm – only, there was no longer a gash under the blood. Her skin looked as perfect as had it never been broken at all.

The surgeon stared, uncomprehending. "What…? So… you weren't injured… at all…?"

"No, I was injured. I was really, badly injured – but I heal quickly, you know. After all, I am half –demon."

All three men stared after her as she cheerfully turned on her heel and begun walking towards the campsite. When they fell in a few paces behind her, Judeau walked up next to Griffith and mumbled quietly:

"What do you think, Griffith? She's acting strange, talking strangely, claims to be a warrior and says that she's a half-demon…"

"Yes…" Griffith sighed thoughtfully, "Poor woman. Her physical wounds might not have been much, but she's obviously been driven insane, somehow."

"My thoughts exactly," Judeau agreed, then heaved a small, bewildered sigh. "So, what do we do?"

"She stays with us. She is surely a noble, with those fine features of hers, so it would be most unwise to turn her away."

Judeau smiled and shrugged. "You're the boss."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ To be continued…


Pearlyblue: Okay, yeah… I gotta go wash my hands now. Those early Mary Sue moments really… bleh, bleh, bleh… I feel so dirty… *wanders off*
Wakko: Dirty? *grins* Kinky…
Pearlyblue: *From a distance* I heard that! Eww!
Ladybug: *Smiles* Wakko's the one who's dirty.
Wakko: *Still grinning* And I like it. *Turns to audience* So, that was the first chapter. Hope you had the humour in you to enjoy it. Now review and tell us what you thought about it. Flames will be accepted, too – we love a good barbecue.
Ladybug: Flames? Who's on fire?
Pearlyblue: *muffled voice from somewhere in the background*
Wakko: Oh, yeah, and we also know how to appreciate constructive criticism, so any advice will be welcome. *shouts back to Pearlyblue* Okay, I said it!
Ladybug: Are we going to have a barbecue? Ladybug wants a luau!! Ladybug has the perfect straw skirt for it!
Wakko: …. Kinky…