Author's Note: *spoilers for 11x05* This is different from anything else I've written. It's meant to be interpreted however you want. It's a neutral point of view, so it could be either Callie or Arizona narrating, and you make the length of time that passes between verses however long or short you feel would fit.
This song is "On the Radio" by Regina Spektor. I highly recommend listening to it...it's actually a pretty happy, upbeat song. Granted, this is just one of my interpretations of this song... I hope you enjoy it(:
On The Radio
This is how it works
It feels a little worse
Than when we drove our hearse
Right through that screaming crowd
While laughing up a storm
Until we were just bone
Until it got so warm
That none of us could sleep
I miss you so much. Seven years we've been together, and now it's over. I still have trouble believing it. I expect you to be there when I get home, and sometimes I catch myself calling out your name, wanting to tell you about my day. But I can't. This feeling, this sense of finality, it almost feels worse than all the storms we've been through. But you and I? We aren't healthy. We're toxic to each other. Our relationship was just too suffocating. So now here I am, watching you from afar at work. I feel numb. I'm angry, sad, relieved. However, I don't know if I'll ever truly move past you. I love you and I know you love me...but sometimes it's just not enough, and we've got to do what's healthy for us...and for our daughter.
And all the Styrofoam
Began to melt away
We tried to find some worms
To aid in the decay
But none of them were home
Inside their catacomb
Well, it's getting easier to see you around. And I'm happy to see that you look happier too. It's a good look on you. I'm happier too. I think it helps to hang out in group settings. It makes it better...less awkward. I really think they're helping us become friends ourselves. Though I still struggle when we see each other at work. I know we act professional, but God, it's so hard. Sometimes I want to scream at you...others I want to kiss you. However, like I said, it's getting easier. I think.
A million ancient bees
Began to sting our knees
While we were on our knees
Praying that disease
Would leave the ones we love
And never come again
Wow. It's been a long time since we broke up, and we had a fight. About the same old things. I mean, it was just like old times. I try to bring you down and you bring me down too. Though, I must say...I think this fight was different. It still hurt, we still hurt each other, but I think this was our last one. Because at the end, after we got it all out of our systems, you stared at me and I stared back...and I think we both realized we're done. There's no reason to hold these things against each other anymore. We're both healthier, happier...more confident. And we realized that if we keep holding on, it will affect Sofia. I loved hugging you, because you do mean so much to me. That will never change. And when we promised each other that we were forgiven...This is the first time I believed it with all my heart. I could feel it.
On the radio
We heard November Rain
That solo's really long
But it's a pretty song
We listen to it twice
'Cause the DJ was asleep
I couldn't be prouder of our progress. The other night was perfect family bonding time. I think it was also good for Sofia to see her mommies being civil and friendly with each other. I know it's sad at times...that we're not together. But it's clear it was the best decision. The more time that goes by, the better we get. I can't remember being this genuinely healthy. Even before you, I struggled...then when you came into the picture, I couldn't let you go...and it started to kill us both. But we did it. We love each other so much, that we were able to let go and let each other be free. And honestly, I have a new appreciation for you. We forgot how to be friends... And I think we make pretty damn good friends.
This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath
Sometimes I can't believe how much time has passed since that fateful night in the therapist's office. But God, when I do, I see how different we are. Fully embracing life. Living it as best we can. After all, we only get one life...why waste it being unhappy? Keep moving forward. It's true, it did hurt to see you happy with someone else, as I know it hurt for you to see me with another person. But, I was still happy for you, and I know it was returned. I mean, good lord...we even supported each other through it and offered encouragement. If that's not a show of how far we've come, I don't know what is.
No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
My relationship ended about five months ago, and God damn it, I'm proud of myself. I didn't let it crush me...because I've learned to love myself. Everything. Even my flaws. It's because I've accepted I'm human and everyone has flaws...everyone makes mistakes, and nobody's perfect. I'm sad that it took me over half of my life to realize that, but I did it none the less. And now our precious Sofia will grow into a woman who knows what confidence, acceptance, and self-love looks like because we were able to show her. She knows that she can be perfectly imperfect. And that's because of us. And I was watching you with her the other day, listening. She came to you in tears because she was ashamed of her body. And hearing you comfort her, and show her how beautiful she really is...I couldn't be prouder of you...of us, and how, despite everything, through all this time, we still love each other. Whether as friends or as more, we love each other.
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again
I think I've reached absolute happiness. I can't be any happier than I am right now. I'm with you. And we're doing it right. We've learned to talk. We've learned to support each other...to talk things out. Because we know what it feels like to be healthy, and we never want to go back to that feeling of suffocation. Yes, we're nervous that we'll hurt each other. That's unavoidable in a relationship. But we've grown so much, and we've learned how to be healthy together. We've always had that love, but I truly think we had to learn how to love ourselves first, that way we could love each other without fear and doubt. I loved walking into our home tonight just the three...soon to be four... of us. I loved making homemade pizza for our Friday night movie night. Being here, sitting against you, Sofia sprawled across us, despite how big she is now, this is heaven to me.
On the radio
You hear November Rain
That solo's awful long
But it's a good refrain
You listen to it twice
'Cause the DJ is asleep
On the radio
On the radio
On the radio, uh oh
On the radio, uh oh
On the radio, uh oh
On the radio.
Author's Note: I'm very crushed about the episode, but I also realize they weren't in a healthy relationship. So I'm hoping they're over, with the potential of getting back together once they learn to love and support themselves separate of each other. I know I probably sound pathetic, but I'm determined to remain optimistic despite the odds. Plus, maybe this will be a good season to learn about who Arizona is as a character and more personally, since she's always been connected to Callie from her début (not at all saying that's a bad thing...but she is an enigma). I really really want them to be endgame. And I probably will convince myself that they will be, even if the show ends and it says otherwise (I've seen HIMYM...I know how this can work ;) But probably like a lot of you, Callie and Arizona have helped me tremendously. They helped me realize, except, and embrace who I am, despite being fictional. I hope you guys are doing okay, and I am very willing to chat through PMs if you guys want to talk about your feels. Love you all!
