I closed my eyes and slowed my breathing in hopes to stop the pain in my heart, or to at least dull the pain. It had been four and a half years since my husbands passing. Four long painful years of raising our son alone. The son we had wanted for so long but were told we couldn't have any thanks to a nightmare known as Manny. But then I was informed of a procedure, one that would give us back the hope to start a family.
I feel so angry. I'm angry at Bernie for calling Jason that night. I'm angry at Fiasion for taking away the man I love. At one point I was even angry at Jason. I still dont know what happened that night or why he couldn't survive when he had survived so much already. But then I realize that I am the most angry with myself. I should of fought harder for our love. I should of pulled him closer instead of pushing him away and giving him ultimatums. I knew him better then anyone else yet I couldnt see past his anger for Franco in order to realize that he would love my son no matter who the father was. But here I am, alone. I can't apologize or try to make things right. I have become prisoner to my own thoughts and sorrow and regrets.
I look at his head stone and I want to yell and scream but what good will that do. I look over at Danny with his blonde hair and blue eyes, just like his dad. He's holding a bouquet of mixed flowers, he chose them himself. I smile, he is all I have left of Jason and I'm lucky because he looks just like his dad. I place my hand on his head and he looks up to me. A small smile reaches my face as I realize that I am messing up his signature hair, yup, he is all Jason.
I kneel down in front of the head stone. I run my fingers along his name that is etched in the stone. 'I love you' I whisper as I stand back up and let Danny talk to his dad. I step away and watch as my son kneels down and starts talking to his dad. We try to do this every week and Danny is awalys sure to tell his dad about his week and all the fun he has. He always tells Jason that he misses him and wishes he was with us. It breaks my heart.
As I'm standing and watching my son, I feel a breeze. I close my eyes and I can smell him. I can feel the pain in my heart lesson and then it happens. I feel him, he is near. I turned and see him standing behind me with his hands in his pockets. He slowly walks up next to me and I smile. I know in my mind that this cant be real, its my imagination but I see his eyes, they are bluer then ever. I can't say any words, I feel my eyes stinging. He looks down at the ground before looking back into my eyes. 'This is so hard' I whisper to him. He nods in acknowledgement. 'You are amazing' he tells me as he places a hand on my shoulder. I close my eyes and relish in his touch. 'I want so badly for him to see you Jase, to know your love. It's not fair' I tell him as I place my hand on his. I quickly swipe a tear away that had managed to escape. I hear him sigh and with that I open my eyes and turn to face him. 'I am so lucky to say that you are my wife and the mother of my son. I know its hard but you are doing a great job with him Sam. I'm just sorry I'm not able to be with you both' and then Jason places a kiss on my forehead and then pulls me into a hug. I feel weak at the knees, it has been so long since I have felt his arms around me. He pulls away first and looks at me. 'I'm with you both everyday. You may not realize it but I'm in your heart and I'm in his. I will never leave you' he says as he leans down and gives me a kiss on my lips and with that he is gone.
I pull myself back together and wipe away my tears before going back over to our son. I kneel down next to him and hold his hand. I place my other hand on the head stone and whisper 'until we meet again my love' and with that Danny and I walk out of the cemetary. I look over my shoulder one last time and see him standing at his grave watching us walk away. I know he is with us and even though that isn't enough, I will take what I can get.
