Never Was
Lurking. I know that is what I'm doing, but I really don't care. Why should I? Why should I feel guilty for behaving like this after what he did to me? There's no reason for it and I won't give in to the remorseful feeling in my stomach and leave. Besides, it's not as if he's actually noticing I'm here. He's too busy with other things.
Still, I can't bring myself to leave, but I can't deal with staying here much longer either. I'm driving myself nuts and I can't do anything to stop it. He's here, so close, yet so far away and the worst thing is, he doesn't even know I'm here. He can't see me because he's not looking. He can't hear me because he's not listening. He can't understand me because he's not thinking. He never was able to understand me properly and all this time, I've been wondering why. Didn't I speak clearly enough? Didn't I try enough to make what I was telling comprehensible for him? Why, why, was it that him and me were speaking a different language and that he could recognise her voice, her words, her tongue.
Never mine, never mine although I tried so hard. I struggled to make myself heard to him, but it never worked. It never worked. It worked with everyone else, I knew that because I was never alone, but without him, I was lonely, no matter how many others were beside me. It was never him who was at my side, and when it was, which happened only a couple of times, the problem of language came up. I didn't get him; he didn't get me.
The word impossible comes to mind when I think back to those days, hours, minutes I spent with him. Two times, two ways. Never was it just simple, plain. Always seeing two sides, hearing two voices. Good; bad. Light; dark. Me; him. When with him, it was impossible to image it was real even when I knew it was, but I couldn't understand why it didn't work out as well, why we couldn't comprehend each other. Always two ways. Always two people.
And now, there are still two people, but one of them is not me and the other never was mine. Not really. Not truly. I need to stop hiding, stop backing away from the truth. And that's hard. Harder than it should have been when you already know. It's not as if it's anything new. I don't know if that's what's making it so difficult. Perhaps not seeing is easier, because once you get familiar with the truth, it's over instantly. Irreversible. Now, it lingers, unable to let go, unable to hold. Not able to leave, not able to stay.
He took her hand, pushed her hair back behind her ear and whispered: 'Let's go, it's too busy here.' She giggled and they rounded the corner, only for him to suddenly come to a standstill. Surprise was written on his face, anxiety on hers.
'Cho, what are you doing here?' he asked, unable to stop the words that formed in his head although he had promised himself never to glance at her again. It was too dangerous.
She caught his eye, then quickly turned away. So quickly, that it was barely noticeable, except for the one receiving the look. Her eyes turned towards the bookshelves in front of here in search of a valid answer.
'I was looking for a book about dragons,' she replied after reading the title on the rug of the thick, black book in front of her. She looked past the one she was addressing and met the eyes of the redhead. There seemed to be a silent moment of understanding between them, a joined thought, a shared wish. The redhead nodded and Cho could have sworn her lips formed the words 'I will'. Cho turned around without a backwards glance and when she reached the exit of the library, she sighed and a small smile played around her lips. At least she'll make sure he will be loved.
This is a small one-shot that sprang to mind while babysitting in the late evening. Leave a review and let me know what you think about it. Absolute nonsense? Could be? Most likely, surprising? Please, leave a review and make an author happy.
