Ache (Part One)

By faketreefinger

A/N: This is actually posted at Geekfiction, but I figured I would archive it here as well for those that don't necessarily frequent Geekfiction. So, if you feel like you have read this… you aren't going crazy. You probably have.


CHAPTER ONE

Grissom came home after visiting Nick in the hospital. It had been a week and a half since the incident. He was going to be okay. Well, physically anyway. Who knew how this was going to affect him otherwise. He couldn't imagine being buried alive. Whenever he did, he felt a sharp pain in his chest. The breath left him momentarily and he had to remind himself that he was indeed above ground… and so was Nick. They had gotten to him. He hadn't died.

But he could have.

And it was a random kidnapping. It could have been anyone: Catherine, Warrick, Greg, or Sara. Oh God, if it had been Sara. And the thought pained him because it seemed callous. Nick wasn't any less important to him than Sara. But Sara was important to him in a different way. Yeah, if it had been Sara, he didn't know how he would have handled it. And that thought gave him a sharp pain in his chest, too.

He had been dragging his feet regarding her and had been doing so a long time. He never told her how he felt about her, so how could she know? It had only been a year or so since he figured out he was in love with her. It was bizarre because he had never been in love before, but he knew that's what it was. It was painful information to be confronted with, because he knew he wouldn't, no, he couldn't, pursue it. There was nothing to be done about it. Even if he had the courage, he was sure she had moved on.

But now all of his reasons for not pursuing it seemed trivial. He was constantly being reminded that he wouldn't get these days back.

And they had gotten much closer over the last few months. They seemed to be getting back to their old roots. But it would never really be the same as it was. There were too many things left unsaid that needed to be said… things that neither of them would ever say.

He threw his keys on the counter and picked up the remote to the CD player. He pushed the play button and the sound of Chopin sliced through the silence of the room. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose then brought his hand down to his left shoulder, squeezing to relieve the tension. He felt tired but sleep was becoming more and more impossible since Nick's kidnapping. All he could think was: I'm running out of time. Dear God, I'm running out of time.

If he thought about it enough, it would send him into an anxiety attack. His mind would go completely blank and his body would freeze. The air would escape his lungs. It was a completely new sensation, really. He had never thought about his own mortality so much. He saw death practically every day, but it was hitting him.

Work was a good escape from the inevitable anxiety attacks. His mind zoned in on one thing and he didn't think so much about his own life, or lack thereof. But if his mind wandered just a little bit or if Sara walked by and smiled at him, his heart would flutter and he would need fresh air.

He was sitting in his dimly-lit office signing papers and busying himself, not wanting to go home really when he felt a presence enter the room. He knew who it was without looking up. He could feel her.

"Griss, you okay?" Sara asked with a crooked smile.

He looked up before answering and paused, taking her in. She was so beautiful. Everything about her. But she looked tired, herself. He longed to hug her, just hold her and tell her she was alright. But mostly he wanted her to tell him he was alright.

"Griss?"

"Oh, yeah. Fine. Why?" He answered his standard reply.

"No, it's just you seem so out of it. We haven't really spoken about Nick. None of us have," she replied, sitting down on the chair in front of his desk.

"Yeah, I know. You know, he gets out of the hospital the day after tomorrow," Grissom said, leaning back in his chair and taking his glasses off.

"You think he's going to be okay, coming back to work?"

"Well, he is going to take some vacation time," he paused, formulating his thoughts, "You know, Nick is really good at finding the best in situations and moving on. Growing from them."

"I know. It's a pretty admirable trait."

"I agree."

They sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes. Grissom focused on the pen on his desk. It had 'Lunesta' written on it, with a small butterfly, presumably the logo. He wondered where he got it, and then wondered if he should get some Lunesta so he could sleep at least five hours straight. He snapped out of his reverie and looked up to find Sara staring at him, her eyes soft and kind.

When she didn't look away he asked, "What?"

"You look so tired," she replied simply, not breaking eye contact.

He was rather startled by such a reply. It was so up front. Momentarily, he wanted to break down and tell her just how tired he was. Tired of being tired. Tired of being such a damn coward. Tired of you not knowing that I love you. I love you. He wanted to shout it actually, but didn't. For I am a coward, he surmised.

"I'm exhausted. I haven't been sleeping that well," he decided to reply. It was honest, at least. At least he didn't say he was fine.

"Me too."

When another moment passed without words, Sara obviously felt like she was wearing out her welcome and got up from the chair.

"Well, I suppose I will see you tonight," she paused, "Wait, I'm off"

"Yeah, I was about to say…" He smiled. Most people look forward to their days off. Not her. Not him, either. It made him smile how alike they were sometimes.

"Then I'll see you the night after," she chuckled. "Have a good day, Grissom. I hope you get to sleep."

"You too," he replied, feeling a bit of a loss as she started to leave. Impulsively he cried out, "Wait!"

"What?" she turned around and furrowed her brow.

"Um… I, uh. I'm not only incredibly tired, but I'm also incredibly hungry."

Sara smiled when he paused, probably wondering why the hell he felt the need to share this with her.

"What I mean is, do you want to get something to eat? With me?"

"Now?"

"Yes. Now."

"Sure, I'm starving," she answered casually, obviously not thrown off a bit by his asking her.

"Okay," he said with a sigh of relief only he could have heard. "Where do you want to go?

"Oh I don't care. The diner across the street is fine with me," she answered, casually still. He wondered why she seemed so cavalier. He had never actually asked her to a meal alone before. Didn't she realize that? He didn't even know if he meant it as a date. He just wanted to be near her.

"That's fine," he agreed even though he wanted to go someplace he didn't always go with their coworkers.

"Okay, I'll meet you there," she smiled and left.

Okay… what the hell just happened? Am I glad she doesn't seem to think it is a date or am I disappointed?

He couldn't decide. But the quickening in his pulse should have told him everything.