Heyyyy, your schizophrenic author is baaaack (moi). This is my first crack-fic and I kind of like it. The characters are OOC but that's probably the point of crack-fics
It was so exhausting to write and I decided to write it instead of studying for my mid-year exams, so I'd appreciate it if you read and review!
I really really hope you like it.
Enjoy
Light Yagami was sitting innocently in his swirly chair -which he thought was the best thing in this stupid task force if you asked him- typing his name into the search engine to find out if he had been elected for this year's Mr. Japan or not.
He had submitted hundreds of photos of himself, posing like a runway model, winking playfully, ruffling his oh-so-perfect hair, covering half his face mysteriously with his precious Death Note, and there was one particular photo –his personal favorite- where he was wearing a black spy costume, eating an apple with its juice dribbling down his chin in a rabid-dog fashion, lying in a pile of feathers he had taken out of his sister's pillow (which he got a black eye for) and batting his eyelashes. It was downright disgusting to say the least.
He was remembering his gorgeous photos when suddenly realized something horrifying.
Oh crap! Did I just post photos of me with the Death Note? Oh well, at least I look hot, huh! What am I talking about? I'm always hot! I'm a god! I'm the most awesomest guy on this planet! Mwahahahahaha!
"Light, is there something of trouble to you?" his raven haired rival asked him in a bored tone but he couldn't hide his amusement. He was almost smiling. Almost being the keyword.
Light paused for a moment to see that in the process of thinking how pretty he was, he had stood up on his chair, made a pose that would put a Hollywood diva to shame and voiced his last thoughts in a shout including the evil laugh at the end of his narcissistic speech.
"No! Get back to your work, L!" He exclaimed in disgust, his face turned red with embarrassment.
L narrowed his large panda eyes in suspicion, "nine percent, Light"
"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" he screamed.
"That's typical of criminals to say, 10 percent, Kira"
Light's hair electrified and his eyes turned red with fury, "Think of calming words" he closed his eyes and muttered under his breath. "Future Mr. Japan, a god, gorgeous, awesome, me, me, me, me" he reopened his eyes and smiled brightly.
"I'm fine now," he grinned.
"Good for you," L said in mock enthusiasm, throwing his fist in the air for emphasis with the same bored expression on his face and went back to work, a.k.a drooling over desserts on strawberryparadise. com.
A few moments passed in silence when all of a sudden, L's face crinkled in a strange way and his nose moved involuntarily. He made weird noises trying to stifle whatever was coming, but it was too late.
"AAAACHOOOOO!"
Light was startled and spilled his coffee in surprise on his pants, he yelped in pain and jumped out of his chair trying to get rid of the unbearable heat.
"My brand new Prada pants!" he wailed, pointing at his now soaked brand name pants.
"AAAACHOOOOOOO!"
"Oh, shut up, you panda freak"
"It seems like the matter is not in my hands, there's a ninety percent chance that I have a cold. It seems reasonable since I haven't had proper nutrition for the last f…few d….ays….AAACHOOOO" he finished his sentence with another loud sneeze.
"What are you talking about? Just yesterday you swallowed a 3 story strawberry cake, 58 cookies, 7 bags of sugar cubes and 5 tubs worth of coffee!"
L gasped, "You pay too much attention to my food. 11 percent, Li… ACHOOO" he rubbed his temples. "It also seems that I have a splitting headache, Mr. Kira"
Light sighed warily. "We should probably go to a doctor if you don't want to die of a common cold…I know" he said as L opened his mouth to say something. "15 percent for responding to 'Mr. Kira' and mentioning the word 'die'" he said dully, dragging the detective behind him.
"I was going to say 16 percent. Forget it, you're not smart enough to be Kira, or maybe you're playing dumb so you could trick me into thinking you're not Kira!" The percentage is now 20!" he shouted triumphantly, which resulted in a coughing fit.
Light wanted to bang his head on the wall. Repeatedly.
He continued to drag L behind him down the long corridors when his father came up running after them.
"Light!" he paused to take his breath. "Where are you both going, son?"
"L is sick" he explained. "I'm taking him to the doctor's, we won't be long, tell Watari in case he thought I'd kidnapped L, murdered him, thrown his body in the dumpster and set it on fire" Although the thought if it is so tempting. He added to himself with a wistful smile on his face. His father stared at him, slightly scared.
"A…alright, don't be late, you have a lot of work to do" Light nodded absently and continued walking, thinking of various ways to kill L without being caught. He let out an enthusiastic giggle every once in a while, which went unnoticed by L since he had fallen asleep out of exhaustion.
He finally reached the ground floor and shoved away the two guards standing by the front door (A/N: hey, that rhymed! Errm, anyway, back to the story) "Make way for the new god, my dear slaves" he flashed them a charming smile, showing his flawless teeth. The guards sighed and fell to the floor. He stepped over the unconscious bodies and dragged the insomniac detective over them (who was also unconscious, there's just too much unconsciousness in this fanfic).
Light raised his carefully manicured hand to call a cab, but no one stopped for him.
Huh, they're just jealous of my heavenly beauty. He thought.
He was about to give up and walk to the doctor's when a rainbow colored ice-cream truck with a plastic dog's head between the headlights stopped right in front of him, missing Light's foot with a mere inch. This is one of the very first times when I wish my beautiful foot was actually squished. He thought. –Light seems to think too much these days, it's not so healthy for him though, anyway, on with the story-
The driver of the truck turned out to be a crazy Light fan-girl, because she slammed the door open and assaulted Light like a wild, unfed hippogriff, throwing him on the ground, squealing incoherent words like "Kawaii" and "Marry" and dragged him to the truck, slamming him on the passenger's seat while managing to place L's sleeping form in the backseat.
"So where do you want to go, Light-o?" she said in an annoying, high-pitched voice, batting her eyelashes.
God, she's even more annoying that Misa. He thought as he mentally face palmed himself.
"Ummm, to Dr. Sunflower's happy clinic, do you possibly know where that is?"
"Suuuure, Light, of course Glitter knows where it is! Now, fasten your seatbelt!" she winked as she revved the engine and started to drive through the busy streets with a horrible screech uncannily similar to her voice. She started to babble, telling him how much she loved him, making plans about their future wedding and telling him that she thought he was prettier than everyone on the planet.
She also kept shouting obscenities at the surrounding drivers, which didn't help, either.
Meanwhile, L's snores got louder and louder, and he began to shout percentages and names of sweets and sneeze every once in a while.
Light's suicidal thoughts increased and he wanted to cut off his ears, he was going to be beautiful even without them anyway.
The ride to the doctor's was long and painful, and it probably added to his already long list of mental disorders.
Finally, Glitter shook him out of his dark thoughts. "Here we are. You're welcome!" she said as she stopped the car with yet another screech and his forehead almost collided with the windshield.
"OH MY GOD!" she screamed right into his ear. "Are you alright, darling?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine" he squeaked, arranging his hair back frantically.
He jumped out of the car, pulled L – who was still sleeping- behind him and ran for his life and what was left of his sanity.
"Don't forget to call Glitter, Lightooooo" she screamed after him.
He laughed nervously and ran to the clinic door without looking back.
As soon as he stepped into the white clinic, Light received many weird looks from the people waiting outside but he was so angry that he growled at anyone who even dared to look his way.
He sat in one of the plushy chairs and let L cuddle on the cold floor like an obedient puppy.
L stirred in his sleep and he slowly opened his eyes "22 percent, Light" he mumbled with half lidded eyes and started snoring again.
Light couldn't do anything but roll his eyes. He tried to pass the time by flicking through the magazines but there wasn't anyone half as pretty as he was, so he just threw them on the nearest table.
The Death Note could have really come in handy at that time.
He tried to dazzle a horrified mother who quickly carried her baby and ran out of the place.
Years seemed to pass when he finally saw the nurse approaching him. "It's your turn now, Mr…."
"Yagami" he filled in for her, not bothering to notice that she almost went blind of winking at him.
He got up and threw L on his shoulder instead of having to drag him again. He marched right into the examination room thingy (A/N: bear with my ignorance :P ) when he saw a middle-aged, blue-haired obese man jump right in front of his face.
"Hello and welcome to Dr. Sappy Sunflower's happy clinic!" he said with a smile stretching from one end of the colorful room to the other. His smile faded slightly as he stared at the creature swung on Light's shoulder. "Is that how you usually carry your child, Mr. Yagami?" he said, the smile returning to his face.
Light sighed in exasperation as he threw L on the bed. "He's not my child, he's my colleague, he's not feeling well and he fell asleep on the way"
"I see," the doctor nodded enthusiastically with a grin plastered on his face. He stopped to look at his patient. "Awww…. Will you look at that? He's adorable!" he exclaimed.
"Ok, time to wake up!" he swung his hand back and slapped L across the face.
Light had to stifle a giggle as L screamed girlishly and bolted into an upright position.
"Good morning, sunshine." Light said with a smirk. L gave him a dark look, and if looks could kill, Light would be dying 50 times in his grave, but unfortunately, they don't, or else he would be rotting in hell long before he actually does and my favorite characters would still be alive. *takes deep breath after frustrated speech*
The doctor directed L's attention to him. "Hello, I'm your doctor, I hope we have loads of fun together!" he yelled, stretching out his hand for him.
L looked at the outstretched hand with slight disgust. "I don't do doctors" he deadpanned.
"Feeling down, aren't we? Don't worry, we'll see what's wrong with you and we'll fix you up right away, okay? Now say aaaah…."
"I. Do. Not. Do. Doctors." L repeated his words, this time slowly enough even for Misa to understand.
Dr. Sunflower shook his head disappointedly as he took a deep breath and lunged at L. He forced his mouth open, peering into his throat and shoving a thermometer into his mouth. L spat the thermometer on the ground. "That does not taste good."
"Well, it's not supposed to" Light said sarcastically. "Look, L, if you do what Dr. Sunflower says, I'll give you the biggest chocolate cake you'll ever lay your eyes and teeth on, deal?"
"Bribery, hmmm, very typical of..AAACHOO…very typical of Kira, but I will accept provided that you keep your promise or the percentage will rise for lying"
The doctor sent a grateful look towards Light as he re-inserted the thermometer. When he looked at it he let out a great gasp.
"What? Is he going to die?" Light asked hopefully. "No, he just has a slight fever; I just wanted to gasp for dramatic effect. Gotcha, didn't I?" he giggled.
This time, it was L and Light who sent dark looks in his way.
"Anyway, he also has a cold, so I'll give him a few medications and we'll inject some painkiller for the headache."
L leaped out of the bed and ran to the door only to be blocked by Light. "I don't do needles" he dead-panned in the same monotone for the second time, he really is boring.
"CHOCOLATE CAKE!" Light shouted for distraction as L's eyes clouded with dreams of cake, chocolate, caramel, vanilla, milkshakes, cookies, and this could go on forever, so I'll stop here and just say that he kept thinking of desserts.
"Now!" the doctor stabbed his arm with the needle while L half-growled, half-wailed.
Light threw the money to the still giggling doctor, screamed a thank you and threw L again on his shoulder.
He bolted out the door ignoring the weird looks from people and he miraculously found a cab waiting for him right outside the clinic so he jumped into the car.
The ride home was even worse than the previous ride; for the painkiller had taken effect and L began to sing the alphabet in 27 different languages, screamed along with Britney Spears whatever songs were on the radio while doing the choreography perfectly, and he tried to pluck Light's eyebrows and glue them above his lips to make him a mustache.
He then crawled to the driver's seat and tried to eat the steering wheel, completely convinced it was a donut. And since I'm too lazy to come up with other things that happened, I'll just say that they returned to the task force and the next scene is with them back at their office.
Light tried to ignore L's strange noises as he swirled around in his swirly chair and managed to throw banana peels on Light's laptop. "Calming words, Light" he muttered. "Me, me, me, fabulous, gorgeous me"
"Liiiiiight!" L whined. "Give me a piggy back ride" he begged.
"No!"
"Please!"
"I said no, L… hey! What are you doing? Get off of me!" he said as L ignored his protests and climbed on his back. "Move!" he ordered.
Light submitted and walked around the office with L on his back for a while.
"Put me down, I don't like heights!" L screamed.
Light dropped him to the ground. "Happy now?" he asked in frustration.
"Very" He flashed him an uncharacteristic grin. It made him look more alive than he ever did. Light was almost glad that he got to act like a human being for once, even if it was under the effect of painkillers. *angsty part, how did that get here, I have no idea, blame my schizophrenity (I just made up that word, it sounds funny)*
"Light,"
"What do you want?"
"Please let me braid your hair, it's so pretty"
"Awww, thank you, I always thought I had beautiful hair….what?" his eyes widened as L approached him with an innocent, childish smile on his face. Light tried to protest faintly but it was too late.
Ten minutes later, Light had brown braids with pink bows framing his face, while L was eating ice-cream and admiring his handiwork.
Matsuda was passing by the office when he stopped abruptly, stared at Light for a moment, and fell on the floor laughing, with tears of mirth streaming down his face. When he was able to catch his breath, he called the rest of the task force members, and soon, everyone in the building was laughing at the poor future Mr. Japan. But when L asked if he could braid their hair as well, they all ran away in a matter of seconds.
For the first time that day, Light was happy with something L did.
"Light,"
"WHAT?" he screamed for the gazilionth time.
"Do I have pretty eyelashes?"
"Yes, L, you do"
"Even prettier than yours?"
"Even prettier than…..HA! you thought I was gonna fall for that! Hell, no!"
L's shoulders slumped in defeat.
"Oh, stop looking like a kicked puppy, L" he said. L suddenly fell silent.
Aaah, finally some peace and quiet.
But he couldn't be more wrong, he felt the chair sliding beneath him and he found himself sitting on the floor and L was cackling like a hyena. This time Light truly gave up and began to rub his sore model-butt.
Two days passed and the effect of the painkiller was gone. L was perfectly sane –or as sane as L could be- and they sat again by their respective offices doing their usual work. Light decided to annoy L just for the sake of it.
"You know, L," Light began. "I'm SO going to use everything you did and said under the effect of the painkiller against you, it'll be so much fun!" he said in a mean-high-school-girl way and he rubbed his hands in glee.
"Blackmail!" L exclaimed. "30 percent now" he said easily and returned to his work.
"I really hate you someti…..AAACHOOOO!" Light put his face in his hands as he himself sneezed.
"Join my club, bro!" L said in an excited monotone (if that's even possible) as he pushed his awesome swirly chair towards Light's and raised his hand for Light to high-five. Light just ignored his hand, the only thought in his brain was kill me now.
L returned to his place, mumbling a few words that sounded like "rude", "Kira" and "40 percent"
Three long days were definitely awaiting our fabulous future Mr. Japan.
Whew, finally done with it. Please review, it will mean the world to me, and I'll give you loads of cookies if you want.
Thanks for reading
