A/N: Not my characters. Now, don't get me wrong; I'm a sucker for well-written romances, be they canon or fanon, but there are a lot of otherwise well-written fics I've read recently that forget that while the show didn't necessarily put up much opposition to a River/Jayne pairing, there really wasn't much more to establish it than there was to support Book/Mal. So, of course, my cynically optimistic mind came up with this in response to "clap on" romances...


Jayne cracked open an eye at the creak of a door. "Aw, hell no…" he grumbled at the sight of his unwelcome visitor. "What you think you're doin' here, Crazy?"

"Simon and Kaylee are getting sexually intimate, Mal and Inara are avoiding intimacy, and Zoe is sick of hearing about it. Someone has to keep an eye on the madgirl." The last sentence came out in a pitch-perfect impression of Jayne's tone. Ignoring the recumbent man's expression of distaste, River made herself at home, sitting on the end of his bunk.

"Don't want you near my knives. Don't especially want you near me, neither." Jayne rolled away, pulling the covers over his head. Maybe she'd finally take a hint for once and go away. With any luck, she might at least get bored and wander off somewhere else.

"I believe we already established that I could knock you out without the use of any weapons," she replied dantily, leaning over him.

"Just was surprised at that bar. Won't happen again," the big merc growled defensively. He felt a poke to the base of his skull through the blanket, calling his bluff.

"Would you like to move past the Maidenhead, Jayne?" River's voice was surprisingly gentle.

He snorted, coming up for air. "Would I ever. 'Snot like the cap or the doc'll ever drop it, though."

"I would be willing to do so." Jayne glanced to his left, beyond the tangle of blankets. River was still stretched out on the bunk next to him. Her vest, however, was not where he had last seen it.

Jayne scrambled into a sitting position, trying to figure out the quickest way out of bed that did not require touching the topless girl. Certainly, if he had been in this situation with any other female, in any other circumstances, he wouldn't complain about a free and unexpected bit of skirt. But no matter how much he might like the current view, there was the crazy underneath to think about. Not to mention the elder brother and the captain who wouldn't be too happy with the merc if he gave in to his primary urges. Not that Jayne didn't think that he couldn't deal with Mal if he had to or that Simon couldn't benefit from a good gunshot wound in the leg every now and then, but if he hurt her boys, he'd upset Kaylee, and that would cause him no end of hurt.

"What're you playin' at, girl?" Jayne asked, trying to mask his surprise with anger. He was careful to keep his eyes on her face. Normally, he was more concerned about what her hands were doing, but he would have to go without that information for now.

One of those unseen hands trailed across his shoulder, towards his chest. Jayne had gone to bed in a tank and a pair of loose pants, but the fabric suddenly felt much too thin. "Getting us past the maidenhead," River answered.

Jayne grabbed her hands, and pushed her off the bunk, bounding for the door with undignified speed. "Gorram Crazy," he muttered to himself, walking purposely towards the galley. The synthetic coffee was more mud than bean, but maybe a cup of it would banish the night's insanity and the feel of River's skin against his.

The galley kitchen was all but desserted at this hour; only Zoe studied the cans of protein in a vain attempt to find something that would fulfill her cravings. "C'n I ask you something?" Jayne said, reaching around her to pull out the mix.

"Seems you just did." Used to his blunt speech patterns, the first mate wasted no words on greeting.

"How come you got the least amount o' ragin' hormones on this crew when you're about to pop?" Jayne motioned uneasily to the dark-skinned woman's rounding womb.

"Someone's gotta deal with you kids." Zoe's eyes flickered briefly towards Jayne before she masked her amusement once more. "Any reason you ask?"

"Nah," Jayne said, gulping the steaming hot beverage that he could almost pretend was coffee. "Just curious."

Zoe bit off a disbelieving snort. "That's what River said when I saw her wandering about eariler." Very carefully, Jayne swallowed, and then attempted to stare down the soldier. As usual, it didn't work. "How's the coffee?" she asked.

"No sugar," the mercenary said, making a face at his cup to avoid looking guilty. "Could really go for some of the real stuff instead o' the synth."

Zoe fixed herself a cup, frowning at the taste. "It is bitter. Gotta make due with what we got, though." She took a second measured sip, controlling her expression.

"Don't mean we can't wish for better," Jayne said, setting down his empty cup.

"No," The first mate said agreeably, swirling the sludge in her cup before taking another sip. "Problem is finding the good stuff and then being able to pay for it."

"I could find better'n that go se on any gorram dirtball you set me down on." Jayne pointed an incriminating finger at his cup. "Even have a little money leftover... somewhere."

"We'll set down where we need to set down." Zoe's tone was firm and final. "'Til then, I'll stick with the mud."

"Still say it could use some sugar," Jayne muttered.