summary; before blood magic, before the betrayal, they were just two best friends, each trying to find their places in this harsh world. "After all, what are friends for?"
characters; Jowan, mage!warden – friendship
What Are Friends For?
i.
He remembered the day when he first heard she was coming to the tower.
News of her pending arrival traveled fast amongst the young apprentices, and considering how stagnant Circle life can be at times, any sort of news that can break the monotony was welcome.
'She is still new here,' one of the older mages had said, 'So remain calm and don't crowd around her. We don't want her to feel overwhelmed.'
The other apprentices, however, were anything, but calm. They excitedly exchanged rumors and speculations about what this new mage could be like. Was she human or an elf? Was she older or younger than them? Was she plucked from some rich, royal family or was she orphaned due to the nature of her powers?
When she finally did arrive, Jowan could say she was nothing like anyone had expected.
She was young, a mousy elven child, small in stature and in overall presence. If it wasn't for one of the mages announcing her arrival, everyone may not have noticed her standing at the doorway.
While she was introduced to the others, she clung to the older mage's robes so tightly that she almost disappeared in them, scanning each and every face with wide eyes before settling a moment on his.
When he saw her that day, he would never have thought that a mousy girl like her could make such an impact on the Circle. He would never have expected the kind of impact she would have in his own life nor he on hers.
In fact, nothing could have prepared him for the fact that this mousy girl would one day literally hold his life in the palm of her hands.
.
.
.
He felt his back straighten when he heard the door creak open. All he could do was stare at the painfully familiar figure standing at the doorway, still small in comparison, her eyes still wide, her hands grasping a sword instead.
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.
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Jowan smiled. "It's fitting that the person who can end my life is the person I trusted it with the most."
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.
.
The Redcliffe dungeon was engulfed in a tense silence.
Neria Surana could only stand there, feeling her heart hammer against her ribs, her chest heaving with each breath, the sword cold against her sweaty palms.
While she felt completely on edge, as if she's the one facing her imminent demise, Jowan in comparison seemed completely at peace.
"I know I've been a total screw up my entire life, and I've done nothing, but cause you trouble." He fell silent, but retained a wistful grin on his face. "Before you do it, I just want to thank you for being the best friend I ever had, one that I never really deserved. Now at least I know I won't drag you down any longer."
Neria could not say anything, was physically unable to even if she tried. Her throat tightened, and she felt her hands beginning to shake.
He was a blood mage, a traitor. It was her duty, her responsibility, to exterminate such blights before they could cause any harm to others or to themselves.
But at the same time, this was Jowan.
Seeing him like this, hearing him say such things... it weakened what little resolve she was able to muster.
.
.
.
Neither of them could help it.
Seeing each other after all this time, their minds drifted back to a time when things were much simpler, to a time where they were just two best friends, trying to find their place in this harsh world.
ii.
When he found the source of the crying, he wasn't surprised to see it came from the new girl.
He saw her curled up in one corner of the library, her legs tight against her chest, tears streaming down her cheeks.
He could easily sympathize with her. Plucked from her home moments she showed any signs of magical ability and dropped into an unfamiliar new place surrounded by people she did not know... and considering she was an elf, the other children were not exactly the kindest to her.
"Hey there. Everything's going to be alright."
The elven girl ceased crying, sniffling as she watched this boy crouch down before her.
"I know things are tough now, but I know things will get better. You'll see." Seeing tears well up in her eyes again, he quickly added, "I promise to even help you out! Just think of me as your big brother here!"
Still not another word.
"Oh, my name's Jowan by the way. Forgot to mention that."
He smiled and extended his hand out towards her. She hesitated a moment, blinking back watery tears before gingerly placing her hand into his.
"H-Hello. My name is Neria."
~{x}~
'He said he's supposed to be my big brother...'
"Hey, knife-ear!"
She did not even flinch when a bunch of the older apprentice children gathered around her table. She bit her tongue to stop herself from chastising them about the use of such derogatory terms and glanced up from the book she was reading.
"Is there anything that I can help you with?"
"We're looking for Jowan!" one of the older boys said.
"You must have seen him. He deserves a lesson," another one said, pounding his fist into his palm, small sparks of magical energy jolting from his skin.
Neria remained unfazed and shrugged her shoulders, turning her gaze back to her book. "Nope, I haven't."
"Alright. Just give us a holler if he passed by!"
She mumbled the affirmative, listening as the group stomped away, shouting Jowan's name with clear angry fervor. Whatever he did he must have gotten them mad.
Then again, Jowan just seemed to have the kind of effect on other people.
She kicked the boy hiding underneath her table.
"Hey, I thought I already expressed my gratitude for letting me hide here!"
"You did. Just remember you promised to clean the quarters for a whole three weeks too." Her lips quirked when she heard him grumble. "So what did you do?"
Without even looking at him, she knew he was offended. "Why do you say that? I'm the one they want to beat up here!"
Neria did not say a word. She turned a page of her book and waited.
A momentary pause. A low exhalation.
"I may have set someone's bum on fire during lessons," he said. "But in my defense, our teacher did say his shields were really strong. I guess they weren't that great if he allowed his own bum to go up into flames like that."
She bit back her laughter and just shook her head.
Of all people to declare themselves to be her "big brother" and friend... how did she get paired with this idiot?
iii.
"Come on, Jowan."
"I'm trying."
"I know you got this!"
"I'm not so sure about that."
"No, I'm really sure of it this time. I can feel it."
Jowan sighed at Neria's optimism and attempted to redouble his efforts. The spell was simple enough. A simple Winter's Grasp. He can do it. He can–
All that he felt was a fleeting sensation of cold. A white puff of icy air erupted from the center of his palm before it vanished.
Jowan sighed and collapsed back down into his chair in defeat. Neria only smiled and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"I think you're getting closer. At least you were able to get something."
"I just never understood ice magic like you do. It doesn't come easily to me." Jowan said with a low groan.
"But you understand fire magic better than I can! Even with your help, it took me awhile to make even a small flame," she said.
"You're not the one that almost burned down the library," one of the other apprentices muttered as she walked passed them.
Neria was quick on the defense. "You're just jealous you can't make a flame as big as Jowan can!" She huffed and sunk into her seat, glaring out into the distance. "You shouldn't listen to them. You're a fine mage."
Jowan mustered a smile and just nodded his head. Sure, he may be okay, but he was nowhere as good as her. They both had their elemental affinities - hers was ice while his was fire. Even with practice and only little of his help, she got the hang of casting fire magic, even having a better sense of control over it than he ever did.
And him? He sighed, knowing all too well about his current progress.
The two perked up when they noticed one of the older mages rushed towards them.
"Ah, Neria. I am glad to have found you. Could you help demonstrate what a proper arcane bolt is supposed to look like? Some of the other children are failing to grasp the mere concept of such a thing."
"Of course, but my friend here–"
"You can go." She turned towards him, searching his face with an ever present frown. "Don't worry about helping me with this. I'll practice on my own for a little while"
"Are you sure?" He nodded his head. "Well alright... but once I get back we'll start right where we left off."
"After supper at least, right? I'm famished."
"Oh right. Food first, then studying." She rose to her feet and went to follow the older mage, shouting, "Just don't cause any trouble while I'm gone, okay?"
"I promise I won't freeze half the library if that's what you mean!" He chuckled, watching Neria as she rushed off and disappeared from sight.
"I hear that elven girl is all the First Enchanter talks about." He glanced over to two other apprentices, leaning over to hear their conversation better. "Been praising her a talent and whatnot."
"Yeah, and I heard one of the older mages saying that if she keeps this up, she'll be called to do her Harrowing in no time."
"Even when that useless boy keeps dragging her down? It's a wonder she still hangs out with him considering all the trouble he gets into..."
"Wow, I didn't realize that the library is a place for such loud chatter."
"Oh, we're sorry–"
Once the two apprentices turned towards him and realized who they were speaking to, their faces flushed with embarrassment. They uttered apologies once again before quickly making their escape.
Though such apologies didn't help to make him feel any better.
A heavy frown weighed at his lips. He wasn't deaf or stupid. He knew what others thought of him and his current skill level, especially when it was in comparison to her. She arrived at the tower later than he did, was younger than him, but he could not even compare with her natural talent.
He tightened his grip on his textbook. 'I won't get left behind. I'll show them.'
He cursed when he managed to cut his finger along the textbook's pages, pouting as he watched a small droplet of blood drip from his finger and down onto the tabletop.
iv.
"Who are you staring at?"
"No one."
"Oh really? So you're not staring at the new, young, and clearly handsome man in the distance?"
That caused her cheeks to flare up into a bright red. She quickly dropped her gaze down to her book, pouting when she heard Jowan laugh at her.
It was only natural. The new boy was a novelty, a handsome novelty, whose looks were the topic of almost every conversation.
Not to say there weren't any other handsome fellows in the tower - and no, despite the others may think, she only thought of Jowan as an idiotic brother and nothing more - but just no one could seem to catch her eye.
Until she saw him.
But, of course, with her luck, the one she would actually fancy would be a templar of all people.
"If only he wasn't part of the chantry and, you know, tasked with guarding us like dogs," Jowan said with a dramatic shrug, reclining his back onto his chair. "If he wasn't, I'd think you two would actually be–"
"Nothing."
Jowan's brow quirked up. Even she was surprised by the vehemence in her voice. She attempted to regain her poise and concentrated on turning the page in her book as casually as she could.
"He is a templar and I a mage. Nothing can happen between us. There is no use wasting time on such impossible scenarios." Struck with a need to defend herself even further, she added, "And besides I am not interested in him."
Then she started mentally kicking herself. Like a proclamation like that could fool Jowan of all people. She couldn't make it any more obvious even if she tried.
She sat there, shoulders tense as she felt Jowan study her expression for one excruciating moment before sighing. "Alright, fine. If you say so. I'll let it go then."
Without another word, he returned back to his own studies, complaining about how the text was so dull and boring. Neria released her own breath of relief, absently nodding to whatever Jowan was saying.
In the midst of his ravings, she stole one more glance at the templar, allowing herself to wonder what could have happened if they both met under more normal circumstances, if she were not merely a mage and he a templar.
She resisted a wistful sigh. Perhaps in another life.
v.
Even though Neria was like a little sister to him, he could not deny that she got really pretty over the years. Of course, all affection he harbored for her was platonic, practically familial, so he never thought more about it.
Until he started hearing it from other people.
At first, it was odd. For once people weren't talking about how skilled she was for an elf, but how she was blossoming to be a pretty, young lady.
For the most part, the things he heard were harmless, flattering even. Few had asked if he could help introduce them to her, but he always declined (he knew how she was completely besotted with a certain golden-haired templar after all). Gratefully, due to his illustrious reputation as the tower screw-up, those requests were far and few.
The only time he found such chatter intolerable was when the conversation about his best friend veered towards a more lewd direction.
He heard snippets from a small group of men talking about Neria as he was walking past them. His fists tightened when they heard them talking about her as if she was some object, something to gawk at for their own pleasure.
He steeled himself and tried to tell himself to keep walking, that they weren't worth it. He'd get pummeled to a pulp if he tried anyways.
But as he continued to listen to their conversation, hearing all the names they called her... and even the more deplorable things they wanted to do to her...
Something within him snapped.
If there was anyone worth fighting for, or at least risk getting pummeled over, it'd be her.
~{x}~
"So who'd you owe money?"
"I don't owe anyone money...this time."
She arched her brow, watching him wince as the dark bruise around his began to recede.
"If it wasn't money, then what was it? Caught staring at someone's girlfriend? Burned someone's eyebrows off again?"
"I still think he should have been grateful that happened. I couldn't have been the only one who thought they looked like giant caterpillars on his face."
Neria smiled and shook her head. Though that smile vanished when she heard what Jowan said afterward.
"It's not like I could let those guys say such terrible things about you of all people. People can say whatever they want about me, but I don't like it when they say anything bad about you, let alone anything so filthy and crass."
That had rendered her silent. The healing spell dissipated from her palm. At first, she was confused, unsure what in the world he was even talking about.
When it finally clicked, she rushed out the door without another word, ripples of cold air swirling around her fingertips.
"Hey, you could fix up my face a little more at least! This does not look like a heroic bruise!"
~{x}~
Once Jowan finished tending to his own wounds, hoping the bandages didn't look horribly awkward, he heard a loud scream.
He blinked as a small group of familiar mage apprentices rushed passed him, nearly crying and tripping over themselves in obvious discomfort in their private regions.
Running right behind them was an angry, elven girl.
"Yeah, you better run! If you dare lay a hand on my friend again, I'll freeze it all solid!"
She stopped in her pursuit when she saw him. After taking a deep, calming breath, she sidled beside him.
He was almost afraid to ask. "Just what did you do them?"
"Froze one of their balls. Shouldn't be too damaging... I think." Jowan cracked a smile, noticing even Neria's lips upturn at the realization of her actions. "Besides, it's not like I could let them go after everything they did do you. You were just defending my honor. You didn't deserve to get beaten up… this time, at least."
He felt his smile grow wider, reminding himself why they were such best friends in the first place.
~{x}~
After that, no one dared say a crass word against Neria and gave her a wide berth for several weeks.
However, everyone continued to treat Jowan like nothing had happened after just a couple days, forgetting he was the reason for Neria's outburst in the first place.
vi.
"So did you hear about Daylen's Harrowing?"
"That he passed? Considering how good he is, it wasn't much of a surprise." Jowan said, keeping himself focused on the textbook.
Neria bounded to the other side of the table and laid her head down on her hands, trying to meet his gaze.
"I'm just glad he did. Some of the others weren't so lucky, I heard."
"Well, at least you'll have nothing to worry about. When your time comes, you'll pass with flying colors."
He noticed she fell uncomfortably somber. He glanced over, noticing her brows knitted together and her lips were curved into a frown.
"What's wrong?"
Jowan couldn't say a word. If this was anyone else, perhaps he could have lied and said that nothing was wrong, that he was fine.
But he would never lie to Neria, not to her face. Silence felt more acceptable than lying.
Though he didn't need to say anything for her to understand.
"You're worried about your Harrowing, aren't you?"
His gaze fluttered away from hers, down to the stitching on his sleeves.
"Of course, wouldn't you? Daylen's been here as long as I have, and he already got called for his Harrowing."
In fact, he's seen apprentices younger than him go before him too.
"I'm sure you'll get called soon."
"Easy for you to say. Rumors are going around that you'll get called for yours very soon."
Though he wasn't surprised. In fact, he was ecstatic. Considering how hard she worked, he would expect her to even pass in record time.
But that euphoria was always fleeting. Her moving forward meant that she had to leave him behind. Deep down, he just knew he wasn't going to go through his Harrowing anytime soon.
"I'm sorry. I just… I just need to take a walk to clear my head."
Neria nodded her head and let him go, giving him time to sort out himself out on his own.
But everything inside him was filled with such turmoil.
He walked without looking where he was going, letting his feet carry him through the halls.
'I just need something more.'
Just a little more, something to help his spellpower, his magical skills, his well... everything.
Something like...
He paused when he found himself staring at a very specific section of the library, at a certain selection of books. He recalled one of the senior mages arguing with another over its placement in the library.
'These are dangerous to keep here in the library,' one had said.'The temptation to practice such wicked things could be too strong.'
'The young ones have the right to research what they please,' the other argued. 'You worry too much.'
By the looks of it, it seemed that the argument was long forgotten, and the books remained.
He doubted anyone would notice they were missing from the shelf. No one frequented this section anyway or even gave books on a topic like this a second glance. It would be easy for them just to disappear.
Without a sound or another thought, lest he lose his nerve, Jowan plucked the books off the shelf, tucked them underneath his robe, and quickly made his way out.
~{x}~
After practicing a couple of times in more secluded sections of the tower, he noticed only small increase in his overall power, but nothing noteworthy (which further confirmed the fact that he just sucked as a mage).
He didn't understand what the big deal was anyway. It wasn't like he was compelled to do anything crazy with it nor was he interested in using anyone else's blood other than his own. Sure, the books did mention greater power requires a greater price, but he wasn't interested in that at all.
Regardless, progress was progress, and he hoped that if he kept practicing enough, he would be strong enough to undergo his own Harrowing, to stand as an equal to Neria.
Though everything changed when he saw her.
It was a chance meeting in the chantry, or fate if one believes such silly things. They exchanged a few words, a few laughs. And in those moments, he knew was head over heels for her.
Deep down, he knew he shouldn't feel anything towards Lily. She was already spoken to the chantry, untouchable, off-limits. He knew better.
Regardless of how hard he tried, he could not stay away from her. When they finally confessed their love after all that time of unofficial courting, after consummating that love, Jowan was filled with a warm contentment.
Though such feelings were eclipsed by a chilling fear.
What would happen when Neria found out about them? Worst of all, what would happen if either woman found out what he had been doing all this time?
'No, I won't dabble in that kind of magic any longer. No one needs to know.'
He quietly spirited the forbidden books back to the library, trying to ignore the possible future consequences, focusing instead on a brighter future, one that included his fire Lily.
At the same time, Jowan knew what would happen if he got too close to fire. Unfortunately, this time, if his actions came to light, he would not be the only one that would get burned.
vii.
Neria always wondered why Jowan was so chipper nowadays.
At first, he said that he was just doing well with his own studies, believing that if kept working as hard as he was, he would be going through his Harrowing sooner than any of them expected. She was just happy about his new sense of optimism and never asked more about it.
Then some time later, after she commented on him smiling more than usual, he said he met a girl. When she pressed on the girl's identity, and frankly existence, he cryptically said she would meet her some day and dropped the subject entirely.
Though she was curious (and in disbelief that a girl would even date that bonehead), she let him be. She was just happy to see that he was happy and hadn't gotten into any serious trouble because of it.
Though as anyone would tell her, Jowan was Jowan. Trouble was likely his middle name, and considering his tendency towards the absolutely stupid, she knew something would happen eventually.
And that day had finally come. In her eyes, in that singular moment, Jowan could not be any stupider even if he tried.
"An initiate?!"
"Please, I know this isn't orthodox, but, Neria..."
"Don't 'Neria' me. Jowan, the girl you've been mooning over all this time is an initiate? She's promised to the chantry for Maker's sake." She dropped her face into her palms, trying hard not to explode right there and then.
Jowan used to tease her for her infatuation with that templar... but at least she had enough sense to not act upon those impulses. When faced with a similar circumstance, of course Jowan couldn't.
"And you plan on running away with her too..."
While she was unsettled by the thought of him being made tranquil – which had to be a mistake. While he's stupid, he wasn't dangerous in the slightest - not even the Maker could make her believe their half-baked escape plan could truly work.
"I understand how this all is a lot for you to digest," Neria turned towards Lily, seeing a gentle smile on her face. "It is asking a lot to even request you to do such a thing, considering you just pass your Harrowing and all. But I assure you of what I saw on the First Enchanter's desk. I truly care for Jowan above all else, and I can't imagine a life without him."
"And I feel the same way about her. I shouldn't really trouble you like this, but I really don't know who else I could trust." Jowan smiled before taking Lily's hand into his own. "No matter how unlikely our success may be, as long as there is a small chance that I could spend the rest of my life with her, I am more than willing to try."
Neria for a moment was left dumbstruck. She had never seen such a look on his face, seen him look at a person quite the way he was looking at Lily.
She fought back a wide smile, and tried to hide her joy with a halfhearted scoff, "Who said I wasn't going to help you?" They both turned to her with wide eyes. "Sure, I think Jowan is a complete idiot, but I know he isn't dangerous, let alone dangerous enough to be made tranquil. I also think that plan of yours is riddled with all sorts of problems… but how could I let you go through all that all alone?"
She watched her words slowly sink in, before touching their lips.
The sight was so infectious that she felt herself smile.
"Besides, what are friends for? I'll always have your back no matter what."
Without warning, Jowan rushed forward and enveloped her in a tight hug.
"Thank you so much! You're truly the best friend anyone could ask for!"
"And perhaps the only one dumb enough to help you." She swatted him away to release her. "Now I should go figure out how I'm supposed to get that rod of fire. We do have locks to burn down and whatnot."
As Jowan and Lily proclaimed their thanks, she made her way out the chantry doors, concentrating on how she was going to complete this crazy task instead on the odd sense of foreboding curling at the pits of her stomach.
ix.
He knew their plan had little chance of success, but he never thought it would end quite like this.
When he heard that they were planning on punishing Lily, he was thrown into a panic. When they said Neria could face punishment as well, that sent him completely over the edge.
He wasn't thinking anymore. All he could think about was protecting Lily and Neria with everything he had.
When he noticed the looks on everyone's face, he fell crashing back towards reality. He felt the surge of energy coursing through his bloodstream, of the pain radiating from his cut palm.
In those moments, everything fell into a blur. He glanced around. The templars and the First Enchanter were paralyzed with the initial shock. Lilly looked at him as if had turned into an abomination right before her very eyes. And Neria... It was a look he never wanted to see from her of all people.
She always trusted him, believed in him when no one else did. And standing before her, blood dripping from his palms, it was like she didn't know who he even was anymore. In her eyes, he saw it all – the shock, the disbelief... the obvious betrayal and disappointment.
And he just couldn't take it.
Without thinking, he rushed off and made his escape, running as fast as he could from the lover he hurt and the best friend he betrayed.
.
.
.
Some best friend he was.
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.
Though he should have known he couldn't run away for very long.
x.
Then they found themselves there in the dungeons, facing each other across those steel bars.
A chill grazed against her flushed skin, the silence deafening in her ears.
Jowan only stood there, smile still on his lips, lids sliding over his eyes as he waited for his end to come.
Seeing him so calm made her so angry, mostly angry at herself for feeling anything, but calm.
When he abandoned her in the tower all that time ago, she knew what had to be done if she ever saw him again. She thought she was able to face the facts – that he was a blood mage, now a traitor who put the Arl's life in peril. She felt responsible for him, for everything he has done. It was her responsibility to make it right, to be the one who put him down.
Now she finally had the opportunity, and she did not expect it to be so hard.
It all came in such a rush – all the pain, the hurt, the betrayal... to the point it left her immobilized in her place.
'Is there no other alternative?'
The only other logical option would be to turn him into the Circle to face judgment, but she knew what that would likely entail. Having Jowan made tranquil, to lose the very essence that made him who he was... that was a fate worse than death.
'There is something else I can do...'
It was illogical, the worst possible decision she could make in this situation. It shouldn't even be an option, especially when it came towards any dealings with dangerous blood mages.
But the longer she looked at him, she did not see a blood mage. All she saw was that boy that approached her all those years ago, that offered her that warm hand, that offered to be her friend.
She made her decision. She knew what she was going to do.
With tear burning her cheeks, she shut her eyes, raised the blade, and released a loud cry.
.
.
.
Clink clank!
.
.
.
Jowan opened his eyes, surprised to see the door swing open. Neria faced away from him, the blade clattering beside her feet.
"N-Neria...?"
"I was caught under your blood mage thrall, and you made me open the door." He remained silent. Despite how hard she tried, he still heard a slight tremor in her voice. "Then you incapacitated me while you made your escape."
He couldn't believe it. Was she actually...?
"Neria, I–"
"Not another word." The harshness of her voice forced him to shut his mouth. She wrapped her hands around her arms, trying to speak as evenly as possible. "You should go now before I change my mind. I never want to see you again."
And he knew that he wasn't going to be given any other chances otherwise.
He still was overcome with so many feelings. There were things he wanted to tell her, how grateful he was to have known her, how he planned to do something right with his life this time around, just how much their friendship really mattered to him.
"Thank you," was all he could manage before he ran out of the dungeon.
As he made his leave, he swore he heard a quiet whisper echo in the dungeon, one that caused his own eyes to sting and the back of his throat to burn.
"What are friends for?"
a/n; despite the fact that Jowan is a complete idiot, I have a soft spot for him in my heart. His friendship with the mage warden is so very important to me.
thanks for reading~
