A/N: *This is a slight rewrite*
TRIGGER WARNING: SELF-HARIMING AND PERHAPS SUICIDE! You've been warned ~~
And the cover of this story was edited by me ~ What you think?
Please enjoy?
Blood was the only thing Lucy knew at the time. Blood was the only thing she saw. Blood was the only thing she could feel. Blood was the cause of it all. And the countless hits and shouts that never seemed to end. Insults and blames became harsher by each day.
Lucy will never forget the sight, will never forget the things that was spoken, will never forget how it had felt, no matter how much she wanted to forget them. No matter how much she wanted to move on, it haunted her day and night, even in her sleep.
Escape. That was the one word that popped into Lucy's mind. Escape and never look back. Escape and hope for the best. Escape and hope that it will never haunt her.
So Lucy ran. She ran without a second thought. With the scars that littered her body, with the scars that left Lucy emotionally traumatized, she doubted she could ever heal. Suicide had often popped up in her mind, but she never had the courage...maybe because of the pain? Blood? Or was it the thought of not living?
Soon, she was taken in by a guild called Fairy Tail. Lucy was skeptical and unsure. Sure they treated her like family, like friends, like a human for once. But Lucy had this uncertainty swirling inside of her, the unspoken fear, the doubts, and that fake smile that Lucy would show. And it hurts.
Day by day, missions by missions, Lucy was being driven closer to the brink of vulnerability and uncertainty. A thought of suicide...
Lucy learned how rowdy and loud Fairy Tail was. She considered it good luck to have kept her scars a secret so far. She didn't want anyone to intrude in on her life problems. Why would anyone want to help a charity case? Someone who was struggling whether to kill herself or not? Why is she even thinking about this?
She had met a few nice people, learned of their pasts and their...obstacles. But that's the thing. They had never, not even once, asked Lucy about her own past.
There's Erza, a former slave of an R-system incident. Which was soon resolved when Lucy, Gray, Natsu, and Happy, with an addition of Juvia decided to help and resolve Erza's case.
Gray, he had lost his parents to a devil named Deliora when he was little. He was taken in by his master named Ur that had taught him magic. She was soon killed by sacrificing herself to seal the demon.
Natsu...well, he was raised by a dragon, and suddenly disappeared on him. That's pretty much all Lucy knows about him. But he always smiles while searching for him. Lucy felt a pang of enviousness, that Natsu still trusted a parent that had disappeared on him...he never gave up, and he still love his 'father'.
Lucy doubted any of that compared to what she had gone through. And she didn't want to find out. Some things are better left unsaid and unnoticed.
Lucy was hysterical when she had found out that her father...can he even be considered a father? She found out that her father had hired Phantom to bring her back...for 'business applications' as he had said. Lucy begged to differ and managed to play it off and tell the guild that her father wanted her for some marriage arrangements. To Lucy, it was hard to convince them. But to the guild, unbeknownst of Lucy, they didn't care as for why, as long as Lucy was still part of the guild and safe and sound. Emphasize on 'safe'.
Little by little, Lucy learned to trust the guild...even if a little. But the thoughts of suicide still lingered on days that reminded her of her past. Sometimes she wished she didn't have those thoughts. She wished she could be a normal girl that could just have a normal mind and smile for real with her friends...Lucy sometimes questioned the definition of friend...What is a friend?
Little by little, day by day, Lucy would recover, but would immediately by thrown back down with another uncertainty, all the fears, the doubts...Why was Lucy so depressed? She hated it so much she actually tried to cut herself.
Luckily for Lucy, her apartment was free of those intruding mages that would break in and do as they like. Must be a miracle.
Lucy made sure to lock all windows and doors, and sauntered to the bathroom and locked the door once closing it.
Once alone on isolation and extreme silence and a silent staring contest with herself in the mirror, she takes a small knife the she had taken from the kitchen. She debated where to cut...her arms were out of the question...it would attract too much attention.
My stomach? The idea seemed plausible. She can just cover it up with some bandages and wear a long T-shirt to cover that.
Lucy took off her shirt, only to be left with a bra. She brought the knife to the skin on her stomach and pierced it lightly, immediately feeling a pang of pain, and a warm feeling of blood trickling down her stomach, soon soaking her pants.
The pain should make Lucy wince in pain. But it didn't. She liked it. It felt right. It made her whole. And she wanted more. She made couple more cuts before deciding it was enough before someone becomes suspicious.
She let it dry and cleaned it carefully and wrapped the wounds with bandages. She takes out a towel and wrapped herself in it, so she can exit and find a shirt to wear and hide the new wounds. She needed to wear the towel to cover herself, because she could never knew if her place had been crashed or not.
To her content, Lucy's place had been left unattended by the nosy intruders. Lucy quickly went to her dresser and put on a long T-shirt and made sure the bandages were not sticking out, or if the blood was soaking through.
All seems well. Lucy needed to do this more often. Once a day? Once every two days? Once a week? Or when Lucy was depressed?
Lucy decided. If she was depressed, she'll rely on that knife to make her feel better.
Couple weeks after that declaration, and before Lucy had realized it, her stomach was riddled it cuts that she had given herself. Lucy was also paler...which was not a good sign. Lucy couldn't afford anyone to pity her for that. She can only hope that they'll leave her be...hopefully.
It was an early morning when Lucy got dressed and put on clothes that would not draw suspicion. Once ready and with her keys, she was on her merry way to the guild that she had grown fond to.
She opened the door and greeted some members on her way in with a smile that she faked. She walked to the bar and ordered some milkshake from Mira, who happily complied.
Then there was a tap on Lucy's shoulder. She turned to see the rest of her team standing behind her.
"Yes?"
"We have a job. Want to go?" Natsu grinned, holding a flyer for Lucy to see.
Lucy takes the job and reads it. The job seems compelling...but she wasn't in the mood. She felt too weak to even summon a golden spirit. She'll be a burden if she goes. Plus she has enough money for couple of months thanks to an annoying dragon slayer pestering her on going.
"I'll past. You can go without me." Lucy said with an apologetic smile.
The three mages plus a blue cat stared at her.
"What?" Lucy felt guilty for declining it now.
Natsu pouted and walked away, slumped. "And I wanted to go on a job with you." Natsu muttered.
"Maybe next time." Gray said, stripping his clothes, walking to where Natsu was, itching for a fight.
Erza remained where she was, staring at Lucy, who had turned back to her milkshake. She walked up to her, wanting to see if she was okay.
"Are you okay?"
Lucy turned to face Erza. "Yeah. I'm fine. Just tired. Natsu been taking me on a lot of jobs. Plus I have enough money for couple of months. So I want to relax."
Erza nodded as if she understand. "Are you okay?" She repeated. She knows what lies are. And she knew Lucy was lying.
Lucy blinked, then sighed. "I just told you. I'm tired."
"Lately, you been really pale." Erza observed.
Lucy almost forgot to breathe. Did she jinx it when she said that she didn't want anyone to notice? Damn.
"I just been a little under the weather." Lucy lied.
Erza continued to stare at Lucy. "I know that isn't true. Why are you pale?"
Lucy sighed and turned away, opting to pay attention to her milkshake, remaining unvocal. "I just haven't had enough of an appetite." Lucy somewhat lied, there was a little bit of a truth in that statement.
Erza seemed to take the bait. "All right. Just be sure to eat some more."
Lucy nodded and smile at Erza. "Thanks. I'll be sure to do that."
Erza smiled back and walked away. Lucy took a deep breath of relief. She needed to do something about her pale skin. It's obviously from losing too much blood. Makeup? Or eat more food?
Lucy had finished her milkshake and opted to go back to her apartment and sleep. She wanted some sleep and rest and felt weak to do anything else.
Walking back to her apartment, Lucy failed to notice a suspicious man in a cloak that was following her. It wasn't until the man decided to speak up, gaining the blonde's attention.
"Lucy."
Lucy paused immediately, frozen in place. That voice was too painfully familiar. She turned to see a man in a cloak.
Wary of the man, she spoke up, "Who are you?" Lucy was really hoping it not who she thought it was.
The man took off his cloak, revealing none other than the father of Lucy Heartfilia. Lucy paled and took a step backwards.
"Why are you here?" Lucy asked, step another step backward.
"I want to see you." Jude said.
"What made you think I want to see you?" Lucy asked with hatred in her voice.
Her father look down as if guilty. "I apologize for everything."
Lucy took another step backward. "If you think I'll forgive you for what you had done, than you can just dig a damn hole and die. I don't want anything from you." Lucy was refraining herself from yelling. She didn't want to make a scene, or attract attention.
"Lucy...please don't be like that..."
Lucy gritted her teeth as she took another step backward. "I don't want an apology from a murderer and an abuser. I don't want anything from you. You're not my father!" Lucy yelled, turning and running, past her house, anywhere that was not near her father.
Bits and pieces of her past came running back. Blood. Screams. Desperation. Anger. Sadness. Hatred. Frustration. Loss. Freedom. Haunted. Everything came back. Lucy relived it all, and it was not pretty. And she hated it. She hated it all. Her so called father can just die and never come back. He does not deserved a daughter's love...he deserves nothing. The nerve of him going to Lucy as if nothing happened. Lucy never been so angry in her life after she had escaped.
Lucy ran and ran until she found herself in a forest, in a clearing. Panting from running, Lucy walked to a random tree and sat near it, leaning on the tree.
It felt nice out here. The air...the night...and the isolation. The silence was so beautiful and it brought music to Lucy's ears. Isolation is just what Lucy needed.
The silence...the deadening sound of silence...it was so calm. But it made Lucy more restless and afraid. It also made her think too much about her past. As least she could cry her eyes out without anyone to see or hear.
Muffled cries of cursing and damnation could be heard deep in the forest, but there was no one to hear those words. Lucy was alone.
A/N: As you can already see, Lucy going suicidal was not because of Natsu or whatever the case that authors would create. Lucy's past would the cause of it and lead Lucy to her destruction.
Was it OOC? Let me know and I can find a way to fix it
Review and comment, or like and look forward to the next chapter of this story :
Toodles!~~
