1. Normalcy

"Seriously dude, she had the best titties I've ever seen. I couldn't wait to put my dick between them," Kenny's voice filtered through the images playing around in my head. I looked over at my two best friends sitting on my couch, Stan and Kenny always seemed to be talking about sex. Stan loved hearing Kenny's stories, I think he liked to live vicariously through Kenny. Wendy wants to wait until marriage and I think Stan is having trouble. Kenny, for his part, loves reliving his sexual escapades with anyone who will listen. He usually finds a rapt audience with Stan and often Cartman. And he's had a lot of them. "And holy shit could that girl suck..."

I shake my head and try to focus on my book. I just don't see the big deal. I usually try to tune them out when they start down this track. I've never been interested in sex. It isn't something that I think about. But, for some reason Kenny's voice keeps cutting through, "...I may even go back for seconds," he laughs "Or fifths." I close my book and swing my legs off the arm of the chair I'm lounging in, "Why do you guys always end up having these disgustingly explicit conversations?"

"Because, we are guys." Stan looks over to me, almost disapprovingly. "Do you want us to leave?"

"No. I just think we could change the subject is all."

"Kyle, you weren't even paying attention to us a second ago. You're all wrapped up in that stupid book." Stan can sometimes get a little pissy, when you interrupt his sex talk time. I think the pressure of waiting for Wendy is going to kill that guy. Kenny just leans back on the couch and waits for Stan and I to finish our little spat. We have them more often than we used to, I guess that comes with being best-friends with someone for so long. "You know, most of us like talking about sex. It's normal Kyle."

"What are you saying? That I'm not normal? Just because I don't wanna talk about sex 24/7."

"You don't ever talk about sex. You've never had a girlfriend. Hell dude, do you even masturbate?" Stan seems to be taking this a little too personally.

"What the hell kind of question is that?" I stare hard at him, trying to keep my face from flushing.

"Well, do you? Or, are you some sort of asexual weirdo?" Yeah, things have just gotten awkward and I know that my face has gone completely red.

"What the fuck Stan? Why are you acting like such an asshole? I just wanted to change the subject. Why the fucking attack?" I look over to Kenny, for support, but as usual he is staying out of it.

"You're not answering the question."

"Of course I'm not answering the question, it's none of your fucking business."

Stan smirks, "I'll take that as a no then. So you are asexual. That's why you never talk about sex, you don't have anything to talk about"

"What, because I don't want to tell you if I masturbate? Has it ever occurred to you that these things are private?"

Stan looks over to Kenny, who remains completely passive. "Private," Stan scoffs "Have you heard the things Kenny talks about? Masturbating is nothing compared to the shit this guy has done. And the rest of us masturbate regularly. I mean, how else could I handle being with Wendy."

"I'm sure I don't care what you do, nor does anybody else." I spit out at him. Stan gets up and heads for the door.

"Face it dude, you're not normal. Normal guys want to have sex, and if they can't have sex they want to hear about it or watch porn and masturbate." He walks out the door and leaves me dumbfounded, sitting on the chair. I turn to Kenny.

"What the fuck was that all about?" Kenny just shrugs and shakes his head. He looks over at me, curiosity written across his features. "What?" I ask with a bit more edge than I intended. He bites his lip and cocks his head to one side. I'm sure he's about to pick up where Stan left off, and can feel my defences building up around me. But he just gives me a lopsided smile and shakes his head. Not in a dismissive way, but more of a "dude, if you don't wanna talk about it that's cool" way. We sit there for a bit in an awkward silence. I sort of want him to leave, but I don't know how to phrase it without sounding like an ass. But Kenny has always been really good about reading people and situations and he stands up and grabs his jacket.

"Hey Kyle, I gotta go. I'll see ya at school tomorrow."

"Yeah, okay." I mumble to him as he heads out the door.

I pick up my book and try to get back into the story, but Stan's words keep bouncing around in my mind. Am I really not normal? I'm sure there are lots of other guys who don't think about sex all the time. And so what if I don't masturbate? I mean, not everyone masturbates right? If you don't need to relieve any tension then you don't need to masturbate. It's not like I've never had an erection, I get them, it just doesn't seem to be a sexual thing. I mean, it sometimes just happens and then if I ignore it it goes away. Why do you have to want to have sex to be normal. I put the book down in frustration. This seems to have really gotten to me. The guys have ripped on me before for not dating and still being a virgin, but Stan's attack was really personal this time. I decide that I am going to see if there is something wrong with me, or if I just have more important things to occupy my time than with than sex.

I head up to my room and open my laptop. One of the good things about having your own computer is that you can check out porn sites with out being bothered, at least I'm assuming that's one of the good things. I open the browser to Google and stare at the page. I'm suddenly nervous. I've never watched porn before. I begin to wonder if porn is legal in Colorado, and what if the government is monitoring my IP address and they see that I've been watching porn? You hear all these stories about kids doing research on school projects and coming across porn sites accidentally. I guess I could enter an innocuous term and see if I get something, that way I can claim I was researching a project or something. Hmm, what term can I use? I wrack my brain for something innocent that can be taken for a sexual innuendo. I seem to remember hearing about some kid doing a project on Louisa May Alcott's Little Women and getting porn. So I type that in and hit the search button. The results are disappointing to say the least. The first 5 pages are all about the book and the movie. There is only one site that is even pseudo-sexual and it is an online lingerie shop for women with small boobs. Okay, what else have I got...how about Roman bath houses. I'm sure that a bunch of people naked together will lead to some form of sexual conduct. Again, nothing but actual information on Roman baths, where they are and the history and culture of Ancient Rome. This is proving harder than I thought. I try to think back to all the conversations between Kenny and Stan to see if I can remember some terms or something that isn't explicitly sexual, but will still get me results. The problem is that I'm really good at tuning out things that I'm not interested in, and the bits of conversation that I overheard today were overtly sexual. Arrghh, maybe there is something wrong with me if I can't even find porn on the friggin' internet. Well, I'm sure if I wrote in the word sex or porn that I would get a tonne of stuff. But, I won't very well be able to explain that away so easily, if the government is watching. Wait, what if I type in "the birds and the bees?" That's what people call sex when your a kid. Nope, still nothing. Just a bunch of sites for parents on how to talk to their kids about sex.

After a dozen more failed attempts, I finally give up in frustration and shut my laptop. I flop myself down on the bed and think over how I'm going to access some porn. Or, do I really need porn? Maybe, I can just fantasize about sex and that will work. For the second time, I find myself trying to recall the many conversations between Kenny and the guys. Today it was about sticking his dick between some girls boobs. I try to image that, but am having trouble seeing the appeal. I mean, they are boobs right, there is no orifice to enter. Isn't that the whole point of sex? And there is a lot of space between boobs, it would be like rubbing your dick on her stomach or something. Okay, so that's not working. What else was there...oh yeah, he was talking about a blow job. That I can at least visualize. So, a girl takes my hard cock in her mouth and begins to suck. Like a lollypop? No, maybe like a Popsicle. Licking and sucking. I wonder if that hurts? How does she know how hard to suck? What if she gets over excited and sucks really hard, or worse bites? Man, this blows. I don't know why I can't focus on sex. I really have no idea what to do here. How have I managed to exist in this world and not know anything about having sex. It's everywhere: on TV, in music, in commercials. How did I not pick up anything? What I need is someone who knows about this stuff. Someone who can help me out, but not be weird about me asking.

I can't ask Stan, not now after all that stuff that he said. Cartman is out of the question. Kenny? Kenny knows more about this than anyone I know, he always has. I remember back in 3rd grade, anytime Chef was talking about sex stuff that the rest of us didn't know, Kenny always seemed to know. And his knowledge just expanded as we got older and he became more experienced. And the guy is bi, so he will know things that Stan and Cartman won't know. He only talks about sex with girls when he's with the guys, because he knows they aren't interested in what he does with men. Not that I think that I'm gay or bi or anything, just he will know a lot and won't be weirded out by a guy asking him about sex. It's funny, I don't know how we all came to know that Kenny is bi. It's not like there was any big announcement or anything. Just one day there were rumours about him and Craig...and that was sort of it. Well, almost.

One day, when we were all hanging out Cartman turned to him and sneered, "So, Kenny...you a fag now, or what?"

"What?"

"I heard about you and Craig. So you like dick, huh? Did you stick it up his ass, or no, wait...you took it didn't you? Right up the ass."

Both Stan and I turned to Cartman, "Shut the fuck up, fat-ass," we said simultaneously. "You're just jealous 'cause you can't get laid at all," I continued.

Cartman turned red, "Screw you guys. I can too. I just don't want to."

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, who would sleep with a fat fuck like you?"

"Fuck off Kyle, fucking Jew. I don't need to listen to you guys. I'm going home." Once he left, Stan turned to look at Kenny.

"Okay, seriously dude. What's the deal? Is that stuff about Craig true"

Kenny just looked at us for a moment, "Yeah."

I looked between Kenny and Stan, trying to read what they were thinking. Stan was quiet for a second, then he said, "But, dude. What about all those girls? I know you've slept with a tonne of girls. And Craig? So are you bi, then?"

Kenny shrugged, "I've never thought about it. I don't need a label. I just like having sex. So, if I want to have sex, I do. I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, cause they are so different. It's like sometimes I want ice cream and sometimes I want cake. They are both desserts and they are both delicious, so why choose only one?"

And that was that. Kenny is bi, or really just likes having sex. So, I suppose if I am going to ask anyone it's gotta be him. But, how am I going to do this? It's not like I can just walk up to him at school and ask him to help me get some porn. And what if he thinks I'm a weirdo, what kind of guy can't get his own porn. Not only that, it will confirm what Stan was saying about me today. Why does everything have to be so complicated? I decide that there isn't really anything I can do about it, and why should I let what Stan said bother me. Maybe in a couple off days everything will pass and I won't feel the need to prove that I'm normal.