Title:
The Touch of a Friend
Author: Harper's Cat AKA
Stormchilde
Archive: Yes, just let me know where.
Disclaimer: I
do not own these characters and make no profit from this
story.
Rating: G
Setting/Season: Season 2
Spoilers:
Warnings: None, but you might want to have a Kleenex
handy.
Comment/Feedback: Don't forget to feed The Cat!
Summary:
Harper's thoughts after returning from the Magog world ship.
Harper
Touch
me. Please just a small touch to let me know that you still care. I
feel like I'm dead already. I walk around but no one sees me, they
speak sometimes, hesitant as if they aren't sure if they should.
They don't touch me anymore. No hugs from Beka, no small purple
hands on my arm, tail around my waist. Even Tyr seems to avoid
physical contact and Dylan has never touched me. Rommie won't even
look me in the eyes anymore. I know it's my fault but can't you
please cut me a little slack? I didn't mean to.
Back on Earth
we never touched the infected, it was a sure way to your own death.
We always made the end quick for them. Don't touch them, just put
them out of their misery. I remember Declan and Siobhan, their
unnaturally still bodies lined up with the other victims of the
Magog. Their blank faces and the fearful pleading looks in their
eyes. I didn't understand it then but now I do. They just wanted
one last caress, one tiny drop of love to speed them on their way to
a better place.
The inhibitor keeps the larvae from becoming too
active but I can still feel them. It's the worst thing I could ever
imagine. It's literally staring death in the face and waiting for
it. The waiting and the knowledge of what's to come is so hard to
bear. Rommie has no idea how hard it is for me to keep my promise to
her. She can't fix me with words, even kind ones. Ignorance is
bliss, I wish I didn't know how it will end but the images just
won't go away. The memories of all the people I knew who died of
this too. The agony they endured, the blood, the screams…
I
don't want to die alone. Beka? Trance? Come on, even Tyr would be
alright.
But it's Dylan who finds me. Who would have thought
that our uptight- military- detachment captain would be the one. I
bury my face in his shoulder, crying like a child. He pats my back
awkwardly but that's okay, at least someone isn't afraid to touch
me. At least I won't die without the touch of a friend.
Dylan
I've
never been this close to someone who was infected by Magog. Not just
this close physically, I mean this close emotionally. I've known
Harper for a little over a year and as much as he annoys me, I am
glad to have met him and to have him as a member of my crew.
I
don't know him as well as I should I guess but Harper's never
still long enough to carry on an in depth conversation with. Even
when he is, he's not real open about himself, I know that he's
had a hard life growing up on Earth and that he's much stronger
than he looks.
Harper blames himself for all that's happened
and this has put a strain on the relationship he has with Andromeda
and Rommie.
Other than a couple of outbursts he seems to be
dealing with the infestation but it must be difficult for him to know
what kind of death is waiting for him. I know everyone dies
eventually but I can't imagine what it must be like to know when
and how you are going to die and to be unable to change anything
about it.
He's too quiet and so is the rest of the crew. It's
eerie how no one mentions it, everyone seems to tiptoe around the
subject. I know he and Beka are as close as siblings but she has all
the ridiculous fears that are common among this generation; they
don't believe in touching the infected lest they become infected
themselves. Harper seems to have accepted his fate, he works like a
madman making upgrades and repairs, sleeping less than he ever did
despite Trance's efforts to get him to rest and eat better.
When
he's working on something he has a look of intense concentration
but sometimes I've come up on him and before he's aware of me I
see the despair and the fear and then he puts on that mask of
carefree smiles. I don't know what to do, would he even accept me
trying to comfort him? I am his captain and we aren't exactly close
friends and let's face it, men don't hug.
Andromeda won't
discuss Harper and I know Rommie is holding something back, she
watches over him now more than ever. I feel like she's keeping a
secret and I admit it hurts that she feels she can't trust me with
it.
Beka seems to walk around in a daze, she's competent in all
her duties but it's obvious her mind is on other matters. She's
impossible to carry on a conversation with, her attention drifts to
other things she won't share.
Trance is of course, frantic,
trying to find something to help cure Harper. Her and Rev are almost
constantly huddled over some experiment, looking for a cure or a
treatment.
Rev is obviously distressed but I don't know if it's
over Harper or something else.
Tyr is running laps around the ship
without me, lifting weights and trying to stay busy. It's
un-Neitchean to admit that he feels guilty that he was saved from a
horrible death and Harper was not. 'Guilt is a wasted emotion' he
once told me.
I pace in my quarters unable to rest, unable to
focus on anything constructive. I go for a walk around the ship and I
am not surprised that my feet take me to the machine shop. It's
quiet and I pause outside wondering if he's finally fallen asleep.
Andromeda's hologram shimmers beside me.
"He's wake." She
informs me.
The door opens and I go in. Harper is leaning against
one of the workbenches, hands over his face, shoulders shaking with
soft sobs. I swallow the lump in my throat, blink back tears of my
own, cross the room and pull him into a hug. He is tense at first but
then relaxes, head against my shoulder and I feel the dampness of his
tears. I pat his back hoping that I am giving him some comfort.
Beka
I
wish I didn't love him.
If I never loved him, it wouldn't hurt
so much to watch him dying right in front of me. Dear God, have I
ever even told him that I love him? If I'd said it I'd remember,
right? I don't know what to do, I mean he's dealing with it,
right? He doesn't mention it, so maybe I shouldn't either. It's
not like he needs to be reminded that he's got a belly full of
death. God, I wish I could get that image out of my head! I don't
want him to die like that, to suffer in agony and be eaten alive.
BASTARDS! Why? Why? He's just a kid and he's had such a suck-ass
life, why can't fate even grant him a less gruesome manner of
dying?
My hand hurts. I hold it up, my fingers are cramped into a
fist and I realize that I probably just broke several bones when I
punched the wall.
I slide down, sitting on the deck with my back
to the wall and let the tears come. The sounds of my weeping echoes
all around the Maru.
Empty echoes on an empty ship.
I scrub the tears away and stand up. Harper must be terrified and here I am, his best friend, hiding in the dark when I should be with him. I go to bathroom, wash my face and return to the Andromeda. I can hear Rommie as I near the machine shop, it sounds like she's arguing with someone.
"So what?" I hear Harper say. He sounds exhausted.
I turn the corner in time to see him walking away from Rommie. She is standing in the corridor with her hologram, both look angry, arms crossed and frowning at each other.
I push past her, not caring that I'm not gentle.
Rommie grabs my arm, "Let him go."
"Bite me." I growl. "Harper needs his friends with him." I glare at her, "I thought that would include you."
"He wants to be left alone, see him leaving?"
"Sometimes people walk away because they want to see if you care enough to follow." I shake free of her hand, "I care, don't you?"
"He said we wanted to be left alone." Rommie insists.
"And sometimes what people say and what they mean are two different things."
Rommie
We watch Beka as she runs after Harper. That seems to be all we do lately, watch. We watch him, he is never completely alone. He's sullen, angry that we're watching him all the time, even when he engages privacy mode. We watch Harper slowly dying and we are afraid. The most powerful warship in the universe and I am afraid of one scruffy, helpless human. I am afraid of what he'll do to me when he dies. He would never deliberately hurt me, this I know, but without him we will be … less.
I have talked with myself and we have discussed alternatives if we are left without an engineer. It's only logical that we be prepared for any contingency but I feel a peculiar emptiness inside me when I think about continuing without him. I'm angry that he would do himself harm, furious that he has tried on several occasions. It's not logical that he should choose such a course of action. I understand it though; I do possess the capability to analyze emotional responses. That's why I cry for him, for me I cry because I'm weak. I don't know what to do, I analyze the situation, conduct scenarios of all the responses and nothing feels right. It's as if a part of me, a vital part, is missing and I can't bear the sensation of that barrenness.
