So yeah, kill me or whatever but I have been in a homestuck phase for about a few months now and I felt motivation to write a fanfic :33 It's mainly a Karkat and John fanfic since I do ship that pairing so hard along with PB & J and Dave x John and EriSol. Umm... Yeah :33

I'm going to apologize ahead of time to say that I might be a little OOC with a few characters until I get their personalities under control? I'm sorry for anything I do wrong or anything you don't like! I'm not the best writer, never was, so this may just be a bunch of nonsense, but I expect to make this a pretty long fanfic nonetheless. It's going to be in first person pov (something i'm not too fond of) so there will be mess ups :( Other than that, I hope you enjoy this yeah?

I know that I may screw up at first but I hope that this will be the most purrfect fanfic I have done in a while :33

Umm... Review what you think though? I'm not too good at writing this since this is my first homestuck fanfic i have ever written /

Other than that, enjoy!

I do not own Homestuck btw! That is all Hussie and his trolling ways!

Ciao~!


- ectoBiologist [EB] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist at 1:17 -

EB: um...karkat?

EB: i need to ask you a question

EB: like I guess it's serious? blarg i feel like a idiot asking this but

EB: do you feel ... different in any way?

EB: not like gestures or anything!

EB: but like physically?

EB: maybe it's just me

EB: i wanted to ask since well...

EB: nevermind!

EB: forget i even said anything he he

EB: see ya karkat

- ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist at 1:34 -

I sat back from my computer and slumped in my chair. I wanted to scream in frustration and confusion yet that wouldn't accomplish anything. It would only wake up Dave, Rose, and Jade and that would prove me to be more of a bother than I already am. A slight grimace hit my features as I think of the grumbles and agitated looks I would more than likely get. They wouldn't be very happy with my outburst like any normal person would. I sighed and just soaked the feeling in. It's a reflex now I guess. It's how I cope with things that I can't expel to others for help. It might not help me, but it helps those around me and well, that's quite better than myself. I rather suffer in my lonesome nightmares alone than seek the comfort of others. It's just habit now, even as I felt the feeling of utter fear sweep through my thoughts, claiming the innocent wisps in thin air so it can turn them to ice. I shiver in response and hug my knees to my chest, laying my head on top. I'm so hopeless when it comes to grieving. It was obvious as warm, red, tears started to pour over despite my weak will to hold them back.

I burrowed my head into my pajama-covered knees an sighed. The tears didn't cease though and gradually the color of my blue pajamas migrated to the neutral color of violet. As the time wore on, it spread until most of my leg was drenched in the color change. Why was I acting like such a baby right now? I wanted to hide under a blanket and hide which is unlike me. I want to go to somebody and cry against their chest, but that's also different. I didn't understand this! It felt like every fear I have ever felt in my life has absorbed towards this moment even though it's not even worth it. This was only a minor...bump in the road of my life. Other than the fear, I felt the constant batter of stress. It was my personality turn upside-down and it felt so weird. I should be bouncing on my bed, happy as can possibly be, but I couldn't; I wouldn't. Instead, I felt so...so...

Lonely?

Insecure?

Misunderstood?

I'm supposed to be the great optimistic leader. I'm supposed to think outside this dimming fog of darkness towards the light, but I couldn't. It was like I was continuously walking into the great darkening fog, searching for a light that I could never find.

In a attempt to release my frustration, I took to yanking my hair. I have never done this before, but it probably wasn't the brightest thing to do. The hard yank made me to just give a cry. Wonderful. Your so smart Egbert, let me tell you. I covered my mouth instantly, fearing that I awoke the others. Maybe punching a pillow would have been better? It sure as heck would've definitely felt less painful and less reactive. I rubbed the bridge of my nose with my forefinger and thumb. I needed to calm down. If Dave was here, watching me in this odd ball of distress, he would tell me to calm the fuck down and thin straight, like the cool kid he is.

At the thought of Dave, I couldn't help but smile. Don't get me wrong, I'm still all "No Homo" for sure. Straight as a arrow I assure you, but he is a good friend! He is the best a dork like me could ever ask for! He is always pulling the whole "Cool Kid" act and giving pointless admissions of irony that sure as heck wasn't there when he said it was! I giggled slightly at the thought and my tears slowed down. He is such a good fiend underneath though. He is always there when I need a hand to grab onto or a shoulder to cry on. He just had the instinct to calm me down when life got tough, an nowadays, that was quite often. The nightmares I constantly had didn't help it whatsoever. What's worse is that they came every night as the word constant infers. It was always he same nightmare the cursed me even tonight.

I frowned slightly at the thought of my nightmares. They always included one -no two, crucial factors. They always showed my father with his love and spreading grins, and then his body on the floor, lifeless. I couldn't help him. I couldn't even move. I was glued to the ground of darkness where my mind lays in wait.

It killed me every time though. It never dimmed. It never ceased making me cry out for him. It was always renewed hope to renewed grief. A endless cycle really.

It all started the same. Like I said, it was a cycle and what's a cycle without a little repetition right?

I'd close my eyes and would open them to my father's outstretched hands. Every time he did it my hopes would rise the ladder and I would smile. I would smile that dorky smile with buck teeth and all until I realized the falsehood of it. Every single time I would trudge my feet to no avail. Every single time my heart would lurch when he stared back at me with confusion. It would kill me. He was my father and I couldn't so much as hug him. I couldn't touch my finger tips to his or just feel his breath. I would always cry out and try to move, but I...I couldn't. My feet were glued to shadows and my tears would flow. The shadows were relentless though and would just grip my ankles tighter. Emotion always carried the black miles to cause pain.

It didn't take long until I would fall to my knees; his limp body falling. His face would be white and his hat would softly land beside him, splattered red. His outstretched hands would be there, lifeless. It was terrifying and utterly painful. I didn't want to watch but he forced me to. The black figure behind my deceased father with a sword of crimson. The figure of Jack Noir and his dogged grin.

I couldn't help my emotions. At this point I was distraught. I would cry out his name, curse his name, plead his name even to no avail. He didn't so much as blink witch whatever I said. He wouldn't even move. He was a black statue of obsidian with the eyes of pearls. It wouldn't take lone though until his stony figure would brake to reveal a smirk. That's what would break me. It always did. That little smirk is what killed me because of the message behind it. "Your next."

Walking closer to me, he would only walk a centimeter before disappearing in a cloud of black smoke. My form would be covered in it until I felt disgusted with the particles sticking to my sweaty skin. They consumed me with menacing speed and I would slowly crumble to nothing.

For the past two years, these nightmares have occurred. For the past two years, my life has been miserable in the dreamland and reality.

I suppose the cycle did have a change to it's features though. It was the simplest of changes, but it was one that scared me to white. The first time, it was one centimeter he moved, the second day it was two. Gradually, he has been getting closer and closer to me. His smirk taunting me into trying to run away as the red miles licked his arms hungrily. Although I dreaded this day, tonight was by far the worst.

I guess it was pointless to avoid it since I couldn't. I had to abide the rules of my nightmares and that included his stalk and vanish. The day was bound to come and well, tonight was it.

Tonight was the night that he was face to face with me, breathing on my face an giving me a sinister smile. My skin would prickle with goosebumps and my face would start to sweat a little at the fear that was omitted. I wanted to run, to cringe, but I was stuck in the lace at my feet. I had no choice but to endure this torture. My eyes watched his weapon with fear. It hadn't changed at all. It was still spattered with blood. Examining it closer, I wanted to wake up desperately. On it's slick metal surface was the crusting rust color of my father's blood. My breath hitched as I peered into the eyes of my killer. Shaking, I noticed a slight of pity before he stabbed me.

Of course that's when I woke up. I can't seem to force my self to wake up. It just never happens with me since my nightmares control me. I don't control my dream life no more. That was lost after the destruction of Derse and Prospit. You'd think that after the beating of our session, it would repair itself, but no. It was building, but slowly and gradually. Last I heard from Jade, her part of the place was almost done. It was almost fully repaired which made me smile lightly. I know things would never be the same anymore. Not since then.

I sighed lightly and ran a hand through my hair in defeat. I don't think things would ever be the same at all. Everybody else may be all nice and peachy, but I can't be that way. The game has changed me so much as much as I hate to admit it. It twisted my genes around to form a different person. It flipped the world upside-down for me to fall. It completely altered everybody's mind so I can seem crazy. I am just altered and nothing can change that because nobody knows. Nobody cares and it will stay that way hopefully. I'm such a Egderp so maybe I'll try to act like one for everybody's sake.

Nobody ever worried about me really. I mean, if they did, I never noticed. Sure I might have changed somewhat after the game, but I was good at pretending, something I acquired from Dave. He taught me to not let anybody read your mind like a open book and I took to it. Despite the fact that he did teach me, it wasn't this Dave. It was a different one. One that is long gone and will never return as much as I wish. I suppose it's rather ironic how I miss the old egotistical asshole. I even compare him to the Dave here with me. I compare him in every way and it kills me because I'd rather forget about it an just be like the pals we were before. I didn't want to be complete strangers. Not with him nor anybody else, but it was inevitable. I just was more distant nowadays and few noticed. I'd rather say that none did, but that would be a lie right? I see the look in their eyes which is something I avoid altogether. No point in clinging to emotion that I rather not explain.

I shook my head violently. This was no time to get lost in my thoughts. No time is right for it. I glance at my hands, a sigh escaping my lips.

My knees were starting to hurt from the position I placed them in. They cried out pain, but I didn't want to move really. I was quite content sleeping like this actually. I might ache seriously in the morning, but other than that, it wasn't so bad really. Closing my eyes, I slowly started to ease my breathing towards relaxation.

What relaxation? I never got that.

A ding averted my closed lids to the desktop in front of me. My pesterchum was lighting up in all directions to tell me that somebody was contacting me. My mouse cursor swerved towards the icon and I clicked it halfheartedly. A smile quirked my lips slightly when I saw the name.

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun trolling ectoBiologist at 2:03 -

EB: hi karkat!

CG: WHAT'S THE MATTER

EB: nothing's the matter. can't i just talk to a friend?

CG: STOP AVOIDING THE FUCKING QUESTION EGBERT

EB: ...

CG: JOHN... I SWEAR TO GOG...

EB: fine :B

Glancing at the mirror above my laptop, I sighed. Nothing was the same and I guess I wasn't as good as a pretender as I thought. Or maybe it was just Karkat. He always knew when something was up as much as I would like to deny that fact. He's just one of those people I couldn't shake off with a simple lie as saying I was alright. I'm a master at that lie. Everybody should believe me, and almost all of them do. All of them but Karkat. He never does and I suppose it intrigues me? He was different and that's why I was talking to him right now.

CG: JOHN? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

EB: sorry... just trying to waste time i guess with silence? he he...

CG: JOHN YOU DON'T LAUGH UNLESS YOUR FUCKING SCARED, NERVOUS, OR BOTH

EB: ...

CG: JOHN

CG: FUCKING

CG: EGBERT

CG: ANSWER ME. YOU BOTHERED ME SO IT'S ONLY COURTEOUS THAT YOU TELL ME WHAT'S UP IN THAT IDIOTIC THINKPAN OF YOURS BEFORE I GET SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF

EB: not like you already are

EB: but alright. fine

EB: i guess i really have no choice on the matter do i? he he...

CG: JOHN?

EB: do you really want to know karkat?

EB: i'm being serious since you normally like to flip your shit whenever i just mention a sweet nick cage flick

CG: THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR STUPID EXCUSE OF MOVIES ARE EXTREMELY POINTLESS AND RATHER AGGRAVATING

CG: BUT BESIDES THAT

CG: YES. AT THIS POINT I FUCKING DO WAN TO KNOW

EB: blargh. fine.

EB: last night i felt really sick while i was watching con air

EB: so i went to bed so i could just sleep it off

EB: but instead i just had nightmares and woke up about a hour ago

CG: WHAT KIND OF NIGHTMARES?

EB: karkat please let me finish first!

EB: anyways, when i awoke

EB: i was different

EB: ...

CG: FUCKING DAMMIT EGBERT. WHAT WAS DIFFERENT IN YOUR STUPID CASE

EB: i was a troll

EB: ...

CG: STOP YANKING ON MY CHAIN JOHN. WHAT REALLY IS THE MATTER

EB: i'm telling you the truth karkat! i have no reason to lie since i'm practically freaking out here!

EB: please believe me! i have gray skin and little nubs on my head and they hurt whenever i poke them!

EB: karkat please. your the only one i can come to

EB: i don't know what to do and your one of my closest friends...

CG: ...

CG: SINCE YOUR A HELPLESS FUCKING IDIOT

CG: FINE

CG: BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO EGBERT.

EB: thank you...

CG: WAIT

CG: JUST TO BE SURE

CG: WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE?

CG: LIST THEM TO THE EXACT

CG: I'M STILL A LITTLE SKEPTICAL

EB: alright...

EB: my hair is the same i think? i don't know since it's dark in my room from it being dark and all...

EB: oh speaking of darkness, i can strangely see better in the dark than usual, but not in the light?

EB: the bathroom lights made my eyes hurt real bad

EB: my skin is this weird grey color that feels weird to me, durable or something

EB: and then i have the little horns...

CG: ALRIGHT I GET THE FUCKING PICTURE

CG: FUCK. FUCK FUCK

CG: karkat?

CG: FUCK, WHAT?

CG: HURRY I NEED TO GO TALK TO SOMEONE

EB: ...

EB: does loneliness come with being a troll?

CG: ...

CG: WELCOME TO THE LIFE EGBERT

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling ectoBiologist at 2:51 -

I sat back in my chair with a thump, vaguely reviewing our conversation. I could feel the emotions in my heart swelling to uncomfortable amounts. They were overflowing in the juices of despair, need, and sadness. Combined, it made my eyes well up in tears... again. It was infuriating. My clock told me it was about 3 in the morning and I was still crying like a baby. If I don't stop, my eyes will surely be red when I leave for school.

I facepalmed and glared at my doppleganger in the mirror. School. That's going to be a blast right there! I already get picked on for being a nerd and the whole high school drama was definitely not a understatement in the movies. It was as terrible as they perceive if not more. My buck teeth and glasses always screamed dork and so the normal jocks picked on me. I was used to it, but due to the fact that it wasn't even close to Halloween, I was screwed. I would stand out like a beacon. I would definitely have more to go through if I did.

I sighed and stared at the ceiling. Maybe I shouldn't go to school today, or tomorrow, or next week. Maybe I should stay locked in my room until this change passes. It would be a hell of a lot easier if it wasn't for the fact that I lived with the highly ironic Dave Strider and the rest of my friends.

They would thumb down my change along with my personality; they always have. They took notice of every faltering smile and every little laugh that was off a octave. Nothing slipped passed them as long as I was near them. I guess I couldn't really defend myself. I really was hopeless, but I do try to act strong and every bit as normal, but I couldn't. I wasn't the same anymore. Not since we beat Sburb and everything went down. Nobody remembers it and it scars me everyday.

Why?

Because I remember everything.

Since I was one of the first main God Tiers, I was privileged with this curse. I was alone in the grief after the game. I was consumed in it and I really don't know how I sufficed it so quickly. I should have gone mad. I should have just gone insane and let things be, but I couldn't. I couldn't with my friends in front of me. I remember all of the blood, the wars, and the loss. I remembered laying every single body of the trolls and my friends out into a line. I remember placing their hands on their chests and closing their frightened, dim eyes. I placed Rose's needles on her chest. I fixed Jade's hair and pecked her nose. I cried as I placed Dave's broken shades that I gave him on his face once more. My knees weren't strong then. I knew it as i fell to them and sobbed in my bloodied hands. Every blink showed a dead body and it only blurred my vision even more so then before. One second the blink would show their smiles and than their expressionless faces would cover them entirely because of me. I was the cause for all of this. They all protected me of all things. They wanted me safe though they should be the ones alive. I should have been the one lying on the stained ground. Not them.

Funny thing is, I also remember cursing Jack's name. We thought we defeated him an it was a lie I guess because his body was never among theirs. It was gone and not there. I remember hugging myself and for the longest time, losing my sanity. It was a nightmare come to life. For what felt like hours, I was like that. I was just a lifeless sobbing boy who wanted somebody to hug. I didn't move a inch or blink. I was scarred from the oncoming of memories that I just couldn't block. My God Tier outfit was worthless now. I didn't want it anymore. It cursed me with this power of regeneration and I hated it. Why couldn't I have gone down with them?

The blame was all on me. I couldn't say it wasn't since I was definitely the cause. I could have saved them if I tried! I could have sacrificed myself for Dave or Rose or anybody for that matter! But I couldn't. I was a sack of blubbering emotions that couldn't fit the puzzle pieces together that all of my friends were gone into the afterlife.

For the longest time I just sat there. It wasn't until a voice spoke in my mind that everything changed. It was the voice of a female I could tell, but I wasn't really interested in knowing more. I wanted to be alone in my grief thought she would have none of it. She told e that she can bring them back, but at a price of myself. I didn't care though. I wanted all of them back so I can tell them how sorry I was. I was gone in the fog of grief and despair. The price is something I have kept to my heart for so long that it's just natural to not say anything of it.

Back to reality, I was glancing at my desk. I looked at the shining object under it. A grimace colored my face as I realized what I had just thought. Nobody knew my dark secret I held here. The shiny, blood crusted object underneath all of those books. I blink and look away. I guess it's sad to say that I was tempted to just to one swipe, but I didn't. I promised Dave that I wouldn't do it anymore, not after he caught me the first time. I blink the tears back an look down at my clenched hands. Crimson droplets fell on my wrists, slightly scarred from the past. The dark months I would like to call them. Those were from the first few months after we came back, alive and well. I was still depressed and tortured as I saw every smile again and remembered their dead faces. The pale lifeless skin and the blue lips. The dead, dim eyes and the limp twisted forms. I shiver roughly as I remember them.

To say it blank, it was awful. I hate to be dragged into the past, but these were one of those memories that don't let you forget them. They were stuck to your conscious like glue and duct tape. The dead bodies and everything. They were the worst memories as well. I would look at Rose and I would see her dead body with her neck broken and arms at odd angles. I would see Dave and when he would grin, I would cringe and run to my room. I still saw his broken shades I gave him along with the stabbed heart. I would see the purple that blossomed on his skin and the lips of his that were blue. I still flinched at his smiles. It was a reflex that wouldn't leave. He wasn't the worst. That was left for Jade, my sister. She took the blow that should have been my death. I see her decapitated head and the odd twist on the left leg. I see their past instead of their present. I was cursed with blood.

Nobody can see that and not change. Not optimistic me or anybody. I did change. I wasn't as happy as before. I was more anti-social I suppose and the bullies at school didn't help. They used that fact as fuel to their fire. They picked on me and tortured me, but I held it in. I hid all of it for the sake of my friends. I didn't want them to worry or pity over me. That was far worse than death..

I blink and sigh. I need to stop living in the past. It wasn't good for anybody, including myself. Trudging to my small, bathroom was a obstacle, but maybe some cold water would set me jumbled mind straight. It normally didn't, but it was worth a shot. I switched on the light and closed my eyes before flashing them into a glare at the mirror.

Eyes the color of the sky blinked back at me with the same intensity. They held yellow around them, not white. They appeared lonely yet irritated. When did that happen? I was turning into a girl. Either that or increasingly mood-swingy. Rolling my neon eyes, I glanced at the rest of me. It was like I was some screwed up sim from Sims 3 or a alien from Aliens versus Predators. I was caked on with grey skin with dark circles under my eyes. Great. The others will definitely notice my lack of sleep now. Sighing, I ran a hand through my messy hair, flinching as I took notice at the yellow/orange nails I now had fully painted and manicured.

Did I mention that I had horns too? Yeah. They were nubby and barely noticeable. They weren't too much of a hassle. They were the only awesome part of my entire new...look. They resembled a certain flustered troll as well. To this, I had to grin. Might as well get used to it.

My head clocked sideways when I heard a familiar ding.

It only took a few seconds to get to the chair again compared to my sluggish movements toward the bathroom.

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened a memo on board FUCK -

- ectoBiologist has responded to the memo -

EB: what is this about?

CG: JUST SHUT UP. KANAYA SHOULD BE HERE SOON

EB: kanaya...?

CG: EGBERT. PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP. SHE'S COMING TO HELP WITH YOUR FUCK UP.

EB: oh

- grimAuxiliatrix has responded to the memo -

GA: Hello John

EB: hi kanaya!

CG: ...

GA: Nice To Talk To You Too Karkat

GA: So I Have Heard That You Have Gone Through A Plethora Of Events Leading To This Peculiar Case Of Yours Now

EB: i guess so? i don't really know to be honest.

GA: I See.

CG: IS THAT SERIOUSLY ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?

GA: If I Am Correct Though You Have Woken Me Up Quite Early And Though I Have Only Done Just That You Wish For Me To Pull The Task Of Accessing My Knowledge Through A Slumbering Haze

EB: ...

CG: WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT, I GUESS I FEEL LIKE A DOUCHE

GA: If That Is The Term You Wish To Use Then So Be It

GA: My World Of Choice Would Have Been Obnoxiously Inconsiderate

EB:...

EB: dude, you just got burned

EB: :B

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP EGBERT

CG: DON'T FUCKING FORGET THAT I AM HELPING YOUR SORRY ASS

EB: ...

GA: If You Two Are Done Flattering Each Other With Pointless Jabs That Wont Help John

GA: Then I Would Like To Continue

EB: sorry kanaya...

CG: ...

GA: As I Was Starting To Examine From My Observations From Karkat You Appear To Be Transformed Into One of Our Species

GA: I Am Correct So Far?

EB: pretty much

GA: Then I Shall Continue

GA: I Have Heard Typical Cased Of A Troll And Human Switching Bodies But Not A Legitimate Human Advancing Into A Troll Overnight

CG: GREAT

CG: JUST FUCKING FANTASTIC

GA: Please Be Patient

GA: I Have My Suspicions Though On Who It Was But I Dont Know How To Reverse It Quite Yet

GA: I Will Have To Pull Research Later Today

GA: In The Meantime I Am Greatly Sorry To Say That You Will Have To Manage This Case Of Events

EB: gah...

EB: thanks kanaya

EB: i'll hide at home or whatever and watch con air :B

GA: That Wont Be Necessary John

GA: I Will Senf A Troll To Help You

GA: Presumably Karkat

GC: WHEN THE FUCK DID I VOLUNTEER?

GA: WHO SAYS I WANT TO EVEN HELP THIS FUCKASS?

EB: please karkat?

GC: FUCK NO

GA: It Is Either Going To Be You Or Vriska

GA: Whichever Is None Of My Adamant Concern But You Seem The Best Choice Karkat

I shudder at the thought of Vriska. I wasn't too fond of her after the game. She was kind of a cold sore that wouldn't go away, but every so often didn't really bother you. I don't know. It was some weird thing. Anyways, she was one of the main reasons we screwed up so badly. I don't really blame her though since most of the time she did try to help. But yeah, I didn't hate her, but I didn't necessarily like her either.

CG: FUCK

CG: FINE I'LL GO AN HELP HIS HAPPY ASS

GA: Wonderful

GA: With That I Will Leave And Continue My Interrupted Slumber

- grimAuxiliatrix has ceased responding to the memo -

CG: WELL FUCK FOR THE FIFTY MILLIONTH FUCKING TIME

CG: PREPARE A BED FOR ME EGBERT

CG: WHILE I GO PREPARE FOR HELL

EB: karkat wait!

CG: WHAT

EB: goodnight!

CG: ...

CG: GOODNIGHT JOHN

- carcinoGeneticist has closed the memo -

I sat on my hair, a grin plastered on my face. He called me by my first name in a nice manner! That is definitely something to remember! I giggled with my sudden giddiness. I wasn't too bothered by the sudden change in mood since it was better than utter depression right? I'm definitely right! Laughing, I spun in my chair and closed my eyes, bad thoughts forgotten.

I might enjoy this maybe!