Disclaimer: I do not own anything. But if I did, that would so kick ass. This is pure crack. Rated T for language and some sexual humor.

The idea of Transformers going to the haunted house just popped into my head one fine day so I decided to write this story.


It started out so innocently. Chromia sipped her cup of Energon and sauntered to Ironhide's and her bedroom. Her sparkmate was cleaning his precious cannons with a smelly rag. She opened the cabinet for her Cleo magazine and dropped the cup in shock.

"Ironhide!"

"What?" The weapon specialist whipped his head around to look at Chromia.

The angry femme held up a WWE CD to his face, her fist clenched on the plastic so tightly it could break any moment.

"Tell me, what is this?" she demanded.

"It's a CD, dammit. Come on, I'm not that retarded."

"You asked me to go to the bank for you to withdraw some money just so you could purchase this shit? You promised me never to buy these violent and brutal shows again! They're destroying your CPU!" She pointed to the mountain of vicious CDs that guaranteed blood, madness and screams of pain.

"Aww, honey, I only watch them once in a while. No big deal," Ironhide shrugged.

"Oh you're damn right it's a big deal! I missed my Desperate Housewives for this!"

"Then go download it off the Internet or watch it on Youtube!" Ironhide exclaimed. "Please, I need a moment of peace now with Cannon Joe and Cannon Martin!"

"Are you trying to tell me what to do? Because I'm a female?"

"Ooh, looks like somebody's PMS-ing again," Ironhide muttered under his breath.

"I heard that, punk ass! You know what? I'm sick and tired of all this underestimating of the female population, so this means war!" Chromia ripped the CD apart, much to the mech's horror, and stormed out of the room. Ironhide screamed like a little girl and tried to piece the broken parts together. "My poor baby…"


Chromia shoved Prowl who was going to make an announcement away from the loud speaker. "Alright, you crackheads. Gather outside Optimus Prime's office right now. This is very important, and it's a matter of life and death!"

"What the hell is wrong with Chromia today?" Wheeljack asked.

"Oh no, maybe Ratchet gave her the wrong medication! It's all his fault!" Jazz replied.

Everyone in the base, even Ironhide, made his or her way to Optimus' office as instructed. Optimus and his sparkmate Elita-One walked out of their room pissy.

"What is happening here?" Optimus asked.

Chromia ignored him. "Okay people, listen up! You may have noticed that you mechs are too dependent on us femmes to do useless crap and that you pick on us too much. But now, you shall see the power and glory of the females!"

"Oh my Primus! What is she talking about?" Arcee asked.

"Gender confusion, perhaps?" Bumblebee scratched his head. "'Cause I don't know, I'm never a bright one."

"So I suggest we participate in three challenges and see who wins, male or female," Chromia added proudly.

"Chromia, what is this all about? Nobody said we were going on a war between the two sexes," Optimus said impatiently.

"Oh come on, Prime, I know you are aching to say that mechs are better and mechs will win, admit it already." Optimus stared at her with dumb confusion and disbelief. This is humiliation! Of course he wouldn't say that… maybe except the part where mechs will win since they had more manpower and all…

Elita-One shot the same look at her sparkmate. "Holy mother of Primus! If that's the case, I am so on Chromia's side." She scooted over to the blue femme and hi-fived her. "Femmes rule!"

"Alright, Arcee, Moonracer and Firestar, since there are only five femmes around, we seriously need your help," Elita pleaded.

"Sure, why not? The twins super-glued me to the wall three times already. Time to get their little asses kicked," Arcee snickered, followed by yells and curses from Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. Moonracer agreed and Firestar joined them just for the hell of it. Optimus face-palmed.

"That's settled then. Any ideas for the first challenge?" Chromia asked with her hands on her hips.

"How about a fist fight?" Sunstreaker suggested.

"Or who-can-drink-the-most-high-grade?" Sideswipe added.

"Or who-can-find-Spongebob-and-the-starfish-whose-name-I-don't-remember?" Everyone stared at Sunstreaker, and then pretended not to hear that.

"A cousin of mine is touching up his new haunted house. Maybe I could ask him to finish it and let us go there. I swear I haven't seen it yet," Firestar shrugged.

"Well, I guess that works…" Elita replied.

"Err… but why a haunted house?" Jazz asked nervously.

"Because I said so, dammit. We can record down the number of screams and therefore see who is the wimpiest. Oh, and I heard that it's really scary." Firestar said. "Okay?"

Chromia answered for her. "Okay! We will head there tomorrow night!"

Several Autobots groaned and grumbled while they dispersed to mind their own businesses again. The twins began searching their closets for as much underwear as possible, and Jazz sat at a random place, praying out loud that there would be no killer clowns or demon sparklings.

Chromia grabbed the loud speaker and said, "Sleep in fear tonight, and please, for the love of Ratchet, do not wet your bed," before laughing like a maniac scientist.