I've always overthought things
I could never let myself go
I was scared of what I'd find
I was scared of what would show
Sometimes I feel caged
Like a bird aching to fly
Other times I am so small
There is no point to even try
I've got such love to give
But I'm scared to give it away
Terrified of of pained rejection
And of what others would say
I try so hard to write the words
To perfectly express
All my feelings of denial
Of happiness and distress
So instead I hide inside
And lock myself away
Where no one else can hurt me
Where there is no night or day
At times I feel horrid
Both inside and out
That there is no word of worth
That dare come out my mouth
Today I feel weak
That there is no hope ahead
It's times like these I wonder
If it would be better I were dead
But yet I don't see any point
In giving in so easily
Throwing everything away
Before anyone really sees me
But is there anyone to know?
To listen close to what I say?
To understand me as I am
And love me anyway?
You see, my friend, it's times like this
Where I feel most alone
No one to walk beside m
And show me what is home
I've never fully told
What haunts me deep inside
I'm more prone to speak in riddles
So things are easier to hide
My love, words can wound
And scar you oh, so deep
But to wither away
I instead let my pencil weep
I guess that some will say
That it is my way to confess
All my demons, all my troubles
That I'm often scared to express
I suppose it's how I cope
And get through day to day
To paste a smile on my face
When I have so many things to say
I never called myself a poet
I look down upon my words
But how else can I convey things
When people ignore what they have heard?
Why choose to be so closeted
And dismiss a plea for help?
To turn the other cheek
Saying "It's their problem" to yourself
I have heard it often said
The pen is mightier than the sword
And it's true, for when I choose to rest
I lean back upon my words.
~Mandy Jo Bates
January 1, 2012
