Pairing: SB/JP

Notes: A little bit of contemplation regarding James and Lily's marriage from Sirius' POV

I don't think that I'd have minded quite so much if I thought you loved her. Maybe if you loved her I'd be able to put it down to something that happened, and was now over. But I can't. You don't.

You were round at my apartment, lying beside me, your body pressed against my own when you told me. It was a contradiction right from the start… and you knew it. You knew it alright.

"Sirius" you said to me "I have something to tell you"

I think I just frowned a little, I wasn't really expecting to hear that you'd gone and got her pregnant. I wasn't even expecting it to concern her, because we never talked about it. Our relationship, if you can call it that, was utterly unspoken.

I think I laughed a little bit then, "What?"

You confirmed I hadn't misheard you, added that you were going to marry her. That it was the right thing to do. That nothing would change.

Nothing would change? I don't know what kind of guy you think I am, but I felt bad enough about being with you when you were living with her never mind if you married her… not quite bad enough to stop doing it mind you.

We fought then. Angry words were thrown and you slammed out the door less then ten minutes later.

And weeks later, after sitting through the marriage ceremony from hell under the pretence of being happy for you to be together until death do you part - and at that point I was wishing a speedy death upon her with very little restraint - I was feeling your loss keenly.

I still hated you then. It hadn't faded like it has now. I was still hurt and angry and humiliated. In fact, when you pulled me away shortly afterwards I was all read to bust your lip and bugger off home and drown my sorrows.

What I didn't expect was for you to look at me the way you did and say you were sorry… say you wished it hadn't had to be this way… to kiss me.

Because we both know that as soon as you did that I was gone. I hate that I'm so easy for you to manipulate, hate that I still want you that badly that I'm willing to act like a slut for you. I hate what I'm doing to her… even if she doesn't know it. Even if a little part of me still wishes she'd walk under a bus.

But that's life.

So whatever this is, whatever it was and whatever it's going to be… at least it's something.

At least every now and then I get to see you… speak to you… touch you. Even if I know it's wrong. Even if it makes me feel like shit. Even if you make me think that's all I'm worth… at least it's something… right?

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