Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Harry Potter; he and all his friendly friends belong to the extremely talented J.K. Rowling.
Note: My first Harry Potter fic in a long, long time. It really doesn't have much to do with Harry: it is a Snape-fic. Enjoy. Radixa Laetitia means "source of all joy" which of course gives the fic its title. Snape's father's name, Iugo, is pronounced Hugo, and is Latin for "abuse".
Source of All Joy
In the poor ward at St. Mungo's a young woman was in labor. She was a small thing, delicate and too frail for the giant bulging belly that protruded out in front of her. Her dark hair was plastered to her sweating face, and her teeth were bared in an agony of pain. She was breathing hard, groaning, and struggling to give birth.
The birthing Healers stood around the girl, faces anxious and making no efforts to hide their fear. "She's too young for this," one of the Healers murmured. "I never thought she'd make it even this far."
The other Healers shushed him. "Hush, Auguste," one of them said. "Don't frighten the poor thing any more."
"Sorry, Vivian," Auguste Pellwyck apologized, and turned his attention back to the girl. "Come now, darling, it's almost over."
He turned to one of the assistant Healers. "Go fetch the father in," he ordered. "This baby is coming now."
A renewed scream issued from the poor girl and the Healers gathered around her again. "Push, Lila," Vivian Smethley coaxed. "Come now, take my hand and push."
"I will die," Lila rasped, voice harsh and grating. "I will die now, and you cannot stop me."
"Oh, don't talk like that," Vivian said, trying to make her voice light and comforting. But inside she knew; she could see the desperate gleam in the girl's beautiful green eyes. "You are but eighteen years old, child."
Lila Evans gritted her teeth and pushed. She wanted no comfort now. Iugo would not come; he did not care that she was giving birth to his child. To him, Lila Evans had been a drunken decision he made after a falling-out with his wife. Then when she had found out she was pregnant, Iugo had abandoned her. And that had been the end of the greatest mistake she ever made. Iugo Snape did not want her nor love her. He had his wife, that woman Aura.
A brutal burning sensation overtook her, and Lila screamed again. "One last push!" Auguste called anxiously. "Push, girl! Push!"
And she did. And with that final push Lila Evans delivered her son. She fell backwards, exhausted, not even remotely happy to hear the frantic cries of her baby. He was handed to her, squalling, red-faced, and unloved. "What is his name?" Vivian asked quietly, holding a quill to inscribe the child's name in the records.
Lila looked at the baby in her arms. "Severus," she said. "Severus Snape."
His name meant cruelty.
During the night a tall man came. He wore a swirling, silky black cloak, and he took the baby from the hospital. Iugo Snape had no other children besides this bastard son, and in the morning Lila was a free woman again.
Two weeks later they found her dead in an alley, lying in a pool of blood, her wrists slit. Her broken wand was next to her.
A little boy sat in the corner of the cramped living room, holding a small wand. It of course had no magical power in it; it was simply a stick of wood. But he stabbed the air with it, pretending to battle Dark wizards and witches and unimaginable creatures, saving the world.
"Severus, kindly stop waving that wand around!" Aura Snape snapped at her four-year-old son. "You'll break something."
Severus put his hand down and looked at his mother. Even as a child he could judge her quite shrewdly. She was a tall, thin, unsmiling woman who seemed quite incapable of love, and acted so. He could not remember being hugged by this woman in his entire life. Of course, who would want to be? She didn't seem like the type of woman who was inclined to hug a child. Severus imagined with a shudder what it must be like: bones and angles everywhere.
A knock at the door indicated his father's arrival from the Ministry of Magic, where he worked as an Auror. Aura opened the door and received her husband's cloak rather than an embrace. But she was accustomed to this cold greeting: it was her husband's style. "Hello, Aura," Iugo said carelessly.
"Hello, Iugo," Aura greeted him back just as coldly.
Iugo placed an absentminded pat on his son's head and seated himself at the table. "I'm starving," he said plainly.
"Oh." Aura went hastily into the kitchen. "Well, I'll have Binky whip something up." She gestured to the little house-elf in the kitchen with her. "Get on with it, then."
Binky, with her large tennis-ball eyes, resembled the closest thing to a pet Severus had ever had. She was the only one who treated the boy kindly. Binky took pity on him, her heart ached for him; she knew he knew he wasn't loved. She allowed him to have his fantasy games and play with the forbidden potions items his father kept locked in the basement of their house. Binky noticed the boy had an unusual flair for potions as well as an unparalleled skill with spells. She knew, of course, that if either Master or Mistress knew she was allowing the boy to touch these forbidden things she would be handed clothes immediately and sent out to fend for herself in the world. But she loved that little boy desperately, for some illogical reason, and she let it master her. Better someone should love him in secret than not at all. It was to Binky that Severus came with his hurts and ills. Aura was a fool, Binky thought, not a mother type at all. And Iugo… well, no one could expect him to care about much besides himself and his career. It seemed he had taken a wife and a home as an afterthought. And he showed absolutely no pride in his son, who would have made any father proud. The only ideal he impressed upon his son was that no wizard was a legitimate wizard unless he was pureblood.
From her place in the kitchen, Binky observed Severus. He was a strikingly good-looking little boy, with soft, dark brown eyes and thick black hair that Aura had allowed to grow longer than was usual on boys, but it was through neglect Severus rarely had a haircut. Binky cut his hair herself, but she thought it was such lovely hair that she let it grow for a while and did not undertake the task too often. He had a pleasing voice, even at four, and was solemn and logical. His answers to things were succinct and well-put, and he impressed his elders with his wit and wisdom. His nose was larger than usual, but it was attractive simply because it was his. She was aware that he would be great when he was older.
Supper was quiet and tense, as usual, and Severus sat looking back and forth at his parents with big, deep eyes flickering with fear. He didn't want his father to raise his voice tonight. That was the one time when he was afraid. When his father raised his voice to scream and yell and hit his mother, who did her share of screaming back.
Iugo seated himself by the fire with a large bottle of Firebrand's Best Whiskey and gestured to his son to seat himself at the piano, a Muggle curiosity that sat in the room and took up half of it, and that Severus was taught to play by a Muggle expert at the Ministry. He had been playing for a year now, and had displayed incredible prowess beyond his years at it. "Play for me, Severus," Iugo said. "I need to unwind."
So Severus clambered up onto the bench and set his fingers on the pristine black and white keys. His fingers slid easily over the polished marble keys and a melody flowed out from under his hands. His hands wove intricate patterns of sound that flashed and writhed through his consciousness, soothing his hurts and numbing his mind to a pleasant, comfortable place.
Binky, who had finished washing the dishes by then, stood in the doorway of the living room and listened with rapt attention. Even Aura, who professed an intense disdain for music, calling it "frivolous", was listening.
Severus reached the end of the piece and looked up at his parents. Binky had tears in her eyes, which she turned to hide quickly. Aura was subdued, and Iugo sat with less tension than before. There was no thank you from either of the adults, and Severus jumped down from the bench and sat himself back in his corner with his little wand and returned to his world of fighting and conjuring. Someday he would be a student at Hogwarts, just like his parents, and learn to be an Auror, just like his father, and save the world.
Later that evening, when Severus had been shooed up to bed, the fighting began. Over what he did not know, but the dull thump of his father's fist against his mother's face made tears spring into his eyes. He crept out onto the staircase and listened to his parents' yelling.
"You horrible bitch!" "You bastard son of a hippogriff!" "Filth!" The insults flew, and soon so did Iugo's fists. Aura always came out looking worse for the wear. Iugo was sufficiently drunk at that point to cause some real damage, and Severus sat with silent tears running down his face as his parents fought. Binky came scurrying up the stairs and caught him sitting there.
"Get up with you," she scolded. "Get out of here before your parents see you, child!"
Severus was as tall as Binky now, and he stood up and looked her in the eye. "Why, Binky?" The question was asked with a child's innocence, and it hurt Binky to hear it. But she had no answer for Iugo's anger.
The cauldron bubbled with a glowing potion and six-year-old Severus stood over it, eyes alight. He had finally managed to brew a perfect Veritaserum, one of the more difficult potions. It had taken a full month to mature, and it was a job hiding it from his father, who would have beaten him senseless had he known where his potions ingredients were going.
"Beautiful," he murmured to himself as he stirred. "How beautiful."
An intense pride welled up in him as he ladled out a bottleful. His father and his mother would never, never see this private achievement, his own triumph in the midst of his awful home life. They would never know his comfort.
Of course, this was his fourth attempt at Veritaserum. He had been able to brew Sleeping Draughts and hair-regrowth potions almost immediately. His other attempts at the truth serum had cost him a few meals spewed all over the floor, and one quite embarrassing incident in which he grew a large boil on the end of his nose. Now, he took a swallow and closed his eyes as he began the narrative of absolute truths that he knew would come. He confessed to an empty room how much he hated his life, how much he hated his parents, and how much he wanted to leave and never come back. He spilled his deepest, darkest secrets to no one, and with a belch, the potion wore off. He smiled.
So flushed was he with his triumph that he didn't notice someone coming down the stairs until he heard his father roar, "SEVERUS!"
Severus dropped the glass bottle and it shattered all over the floor. "Idiot!" his father roared. "Fool, stupid child! What in the name of heaven did you think you were doing, fooling around with my personal potions stash?" He lunged towards the terrified boy and slapped him with the back of his hand—hard. Severus's head snapped back from the force of the blow, and he tasted blood. "Stupid, stupid, bastard child!" Iugo snarled. "Making nonsense concoctions out of things that cost money. This is not to be wasted. We have precious little money as it is."
Severus cowered against the wall in the face of his father's towering rage. "I—I'm sorry!" he managed, sobbing. "I was…"
But Iugo did not want to hear what his son was doing. He smacked the boy again in the face and Severus saw stars. "If you ever touch my things again, rest assured that I will murder you, boy!" Iugo thundered.
He looked into the cauldron and observed the potion and caught his breath in astonishment, but he recovered quickly. "A simple Luminescence Draught, eh?" He looked almost amused. But his thoughts were quite different. How had that child managed to brew Veritaserum? At six years old? And in perfect secrecy. His son was a dangerous thing.
Severus wiped the blood and tears off his face. "It's Veritaserum," he sobbed. "Leave it alone." How could his father confuse the potions? The thought was vague, hazy through the pain in his face.
Iugo roared with laughter and waved his wand. The potion disappeared, and this only made Severus cry harder. All his precious work, all his pride had evaporated. The cauldron was as empty as he felt inside.
Severus fled the room and locked himself in his tiny bedroom. The walls were a dull gray that had once been white but so long unpainted the color had faded. His bed was covered with unbearably old sheets and he had one flat pillow. An old stuffed hippogriff doll lay limply at one end of the bed, its head cocked at an angle from being held close under his chin. One eye was falling off and one wing had only half its stuffing left, but Severus took it into his arms and held it close anyway. He made sure to get no blood on it, or tears, but cried himself into silence.
Binky, in the garden, looked into the window and saw the little boy curled up on his bed, weeping miserably. But she was too afraid to go in and comfort him. She knew what Iugo would do if she did. Already he had threatened her with a new dress if she went anywhere near the child aside from serving him his meals. She hated to see him so alone, so uncomforted.
Severus slept, his face throbbing, eyes hot from crying, and woke up unrefreshed. By then it was supper time, and Binky gave his hand a quick squeeze under the table as she served. Severus fought to control his trembling lip as she scuttled away. He would not look at his father, and once the meal was over he fled immediately back to his room.
The door to his father's workshop was made impassible by an Imperturbable Charm the next day. A loud, wailing alarm would go off if anyone besides Iugo tried to enter, and an invisible fist would knock the intruder down the hall with blinding force. Severus tried it once, and never again.
Potion-making was over.
Iugo kept a close eye on the boy after that. He had no idea how a six-year-old had had the skill or knowledge to create something as dangerous as Veritaserum, but it would be years before he would have the change to touch anything of the sort again. Iugo would make sure of that.
Five years later…
His father's owl, Hercules, arrived with the post that morning bright and early. It was June sixth, Severus's eleventh birthday. The Hogwarts letter fell right into his lap. "Praise be!" Aura said with a wave of her hands. "Now we know he's not a Squib."
Iugo puffed with something like pride, or perhaps it was relief that his son was not completely useless. "Well, open it, boy!" he said.
He didn't need to say it twice. Eagerly Severus read the letter. Thank god I'll get to leave this house, he thought as he scanned the letter. "Term starts September the first, and I need these." He thrust the letter at his father, who appraised the supply list.
"Nothing we can't get at Diagon Alley," Iugo said. "We'll buy second hand."
Severus stopped, fork halfway to his mouth. The eggs fell off it and dropped just like his heart. "Second hand?" No, no, this wasn't the way he was supposed to start his Hogwarts career. No Auror ever started out with second-hand books and robes. "Why?"
"I'm not going to have you spend us out of house and home just because you've been accepted into Hogwarts," Iugo said quite reasonably. "You're not that important, boy."
The unfairness of it burned at him, but five years and countless bruises later he had learned not to argue with his father. Iugo was a hardened man.
It would have to do. Severus put an iron fist around his disappointment and started to eat again.
Two weeks later they went to Diagon Alley.
Madame Malkin's Robe Shoppe had an extraordinary collection of second-hand robes, and Severus purchased a long black Hogwarts robe with a large rip in it. It could be fixed with a Mending Charm, he thought. The wand would be harder. Mr. Ollivander did not sell second-hand wands. The wand chose the wizard, and that would have to hold him.
In the end Severus and his father left Ollivander's with a wand made of yew and dragon heartstring, eleven inches and inflexible. He pushed his hair out of his face and felt the wand vibrate in his hand. It was his.
The cauldron he got was a little rusty but otherwise in good repair. His animal was a large gray owl that he named Julius after something he'd read in a Muggle book. Julius was a good-tempered creature, and Iugo informed his son that he would never get a new animal, so he'd better take good care of this one.
Flourish and Blotts was used to its poorer customers. A boy with violently red hair was sheepishly holding the same collection of books, similarly ragged. He spoke to no one and paid hastily for his books, fleeing the shop as if embarrassed about his poverty. Severus could relate. But his father shook his head. "Those Weasley people," he muttered. "Poor as dirt and yet they keep reproducing."
Severus said nothing, and walked out grimly with his books. This whole thing was an ordeal. He was supposed to be happy about Hogwarts, and now all he could think about was what the other students would say about him with his old used books and robes.
His father was unperturbed. "You'll do fine," he said unfeelingly. "They're all just as good as the new ones."
On September first, he was shuttled off to Kings Cross Station and the only goodbye he got was a wave from his parents and a good view of their retreating backs. He sat bitterly in his compartment, thinking resentfully that Binky hadn't bothered to cut his hair before he left and so it was in his eyes again. He pulled out his Defense Against the Dark Arts book and began to read. Anything to occupy his time.
"Hello." A voice interrupted his reading about the Unforgivable Curses. Severus looked up into a pair of brown eyes.
The boy stuck out a hand. "James Potter."
Severus shook his hand warily. "Severus Snape."
James grinned crookedly. "Hell of a name, mate. First time on the Express?"
Severus nodded, unsettled by this boy's easy chatter. They didn't even know each other. "Same here," James continued. "I'm dead chuffed about this, though. Didn't think I was going to get accepted after all."
"Why?" Severus couldn't overcome his curiosity.
"Well… y'know," James said casually. "Didn't pay attention to my studies and all that." He reached up to muss his hair. "Spent most of my time on my dad's broom and all that. You got one?"
Severus wasn't sure whether he meant a broom or a father, but he assumed he meant a broom. "Nope," he said. "Never bothered to get one. I like to keep my feet on the ground."
James smiled devilishly. "You'll change your mind when you see the Quidditch team at school."
Severus shrugged. He'd never had much interest in Quidditch. It wasn't discussed in his house. "Guess so."
"Potter. Come on, mate, trolley's coming!" Three boys opened the door to the compartment. There were two boys who looked just as healthy as James and one who looked runty and yet overfed at the same time. He had buckteeth.
James stood up and stuck out his hand again. "Well, Severus, damn good to meet you, and I guess I'll see you at school?"
Severus found it easier to return his grin. "Sure."
James sailed off noisily with his three friends.
Well. Maybe it wasn't going to be so bad.
"Sorry to interrupt you." This time the voice was female. Severus looked up at the girl in the doorway. She had the bluest eyes he'd ever seen. She smiled a little shyly. "Would you mind if I sat here? Everywhere else is so crowded, and I thought I'd get a little reading done."
She was quite pretty. Severus had no objection. "Sit and welcome." His encounter with James Potter had made him feel much better, almost cheerful.
"My name's Radixa, by the way," the girl said. "Radixa Laetitia."
Severus shook her hand. "Severus Snape." He grinned. "So we've both got names out of the oddest places in the alphabet."
Radixa laughed, a pleasing sound. "I'll say." She pulled out a copy of the Dark Arts book, the same one Severus was reading. "Ah, I see we're like-minded," she said, indicating their books.
"I like this book a lot," Severus said.
"Planning on being an Auror?" Radixa asked. "I am. I love all this dark magic stuff. It's the making of legends."
Her ease with him was magical. Severus relaxed. "So where are you from, Severus Snape?" Radixa questioned.
"Right around London, actually," Severus answered. "And you?"
"Essex," Radixa answered. "My parents were pleased as punch when I got my letter."
Severus smiled at the quaintness of the expression. "Are you pureblood?"
Radixa shook her head. "Half-and-half. My dad's a Muggle."
Somehow, despite his father's disdain for any but pureblood wizards, this did not diminish Severus's opinion of her. In fact, he quite liked her, and hoped she would be in his House.
They discussed hexes, jinxes, and curses at length, and then turned to Arithmancy, for which neither of them had great love. "Divination in all its forms is impractical and unreliable," Radixa said decisively. "There aren't many true Seers any longer, and some wet tea leaves and residue aren't going to tell me my future."
Severus laughed. "Agreed. In fact, the only useful areas are Herbology, Potions, and Defense Against the Dark Arts."
"I don't know about that," Radixa said. "I've always liked Charms. Dead useful. Speaking of which," she pointed her wand at the rip in his robe and murmured, "Reparo." The fabric flew together smoothly with barely a trace of where the rip had been. Severus was impressed. Of course, her robes and books were all brand new.
"What house do you think you'll be in?" Radixa asked next.
"I don't know," Severus said. "My father was in Slytherin, so I'm assuming I'll be going the same way."
Radixa did not let this dampen her enthusiasm. "No, you won't," she said cheerfully. "You're too good for Slytherin. I personally hope I get into Ravenclaw. That's the intellectual house."
They both shrugged. The Sorting Hat would tell.
Three hours later the sky was dark and Radixa was immersed in the chapter dealing with the differences between jinxes and hexes. "An hour 'til we arrive," Severus said, looking at his watch.
Radixa looked up. "This was fun," she said. "I love long train rides. You can get so much done."
Before they knew it, they were being ushered off the train and into the boats that would ferry them across to Hogwarts. Severus clambered into a boat beside Radixa and they watched in awe as the castle loomed into view. "Wow," Radixa said softly, looking at Severus. "It's beautiful."
He nodded in agreement. This place was going to be a refuge for him.
The Great Hall was lit by candles as the first-years were all ushered down the center aisle towards the dais with the Sorting Hat. The headmaster, Professor Dibbet, sat with this staff around him, and they all looked quite happy to be back for yet another year. The old, worn Sorting Hat sat on its stool on the dais, and everyone quieted to hear as it opened the rip in its brim and cleared its throat.
Welcome one, and welcome all,
Once again to our Great Hall,
For we are here as a new year starts,
Another year at our great Hogwarts.
Oh you may not think I'm smart or wise,
But I'll dispel the myth with my inner eyes,
Just come and trust yourself to me,
And I'll say in which House you shall be.
Perhaps you belong in Ravenclaw,
Where wisdom wins the race,
A Ravenclaw is prepared for what challenges they face.
Or maybe Slytherin is yours,
Where cunning and stealth beat all the rest,
A Slytherin will use any means to pass the test.
Perhaps in Gryffindor you'll be,
Where they value wit and charm and bravery,
In the Lion's house you'll never find an enemy.
And last but not least is Hufflepuff,
Where work provides you with the reward,
A Hufflepuff is not afraid to use words over the sword.
So put me on and you will see,
In what house you're meant to be!
Everyone applauded, including the bewildered and delighted first years. Professor Quentia Maromas, the Transfiguration teacher, stood with the roll call and called new students up one by one.
"Bones, Maria!" became the first new Hufflepuff.
"Finnegan, James!" became a new Gryffindor, to roars of approval from the Gryffindor table.
The roll call went on and on, and Radixa looked nervously at Severus as "Lacola, Nina!" became a Hufflepuff.
"Laetitia, Radixa!"
"Good luck," Severus whispered, and Radixa walked slowly up to the hat. She closed her eyes and put the hat on her head.
"Hm… a half-and-half witch," the hat murmured. "You've got talent, haven't you, girl? Well… much intellect and daring, and a gift for Charms and such…I know just where you'll go. RAVENCLAW!"
The last word was shouted to the whole hall, and Radixa sighed with relief and threw a smile towards Severus, who applauded along with the Ravenclaw table.
She watched with bated breath as Severus took his turn at the stool. The hat took a moment before yelling, "SLYTHERIN!" to the whole hall. Severus grinned knowingly at her and went to the table. "Told you," he mouthed at her from his seat. A few more seatings and the Sorting ended.
Radixa smiled despite her disappointment and turned to the girl next to her. "I'm Radixa," she said, introducing herself.
"Jyoti Patil," the girl said, shaking her hand. "Boy am I glad I got into Ravenclaw."
"Me too," Radixa said. "I was hoping for this house. My mother was in here."
"Oh, really?" Jyoti looked interested. "I'm the first in my family to go here. Maybe I'll start a tradition."
Radixa smiled. They would receive their schedules later, and be led up to the dormitories, according to a pretty second-year black girl named Jennifer Bell, who was on the Quidditch team.
Severus watched his friend from his table. He hoped that Ravenclaw and Slytherin had lessons together.
The boys he had met on the train, James and his friends, had all been sorted into Gryffindor, even the bucktoothed boy. So much for a familiar face. He was introduced to several people, including a boy with white-blonde hair named Lucius Malfoy, who looked as if he'd never known hardship in his life. He was introduced to Crabbe and Goyle, who preferred to go by their last names only, a pretty girl named Bellatrix Black and her sister Narcissa, more boys who preferred use of their last names only: Avery, Lestrange, MacMillan, Nott, and a boy named Tom Riddle. He didn't like them much, but he knew they were what he had and who he would be with for the next seven years.
The first week went by relatively smoothly; Severus thought he was working up to be quite popular. James and his friends, whom he soon got to know as Sirius, Remus, and Peter, gave him a raucous greeting every time they saw him. It consisted of all four of them yelling, "Hey, Snape! What's uuupppppppp?"
Severus learned to love it. He had Potions and History of Magic with Ravenclaw, he found to his delight, which meant he had class with Radixa three times a week ad double periods on Fridays. He looked forward to his first Potions lesson.
Unfortunately he got a rude surprise. When he attempted to greet his friend, his fellow Slytherins pulled him back. "What's wrong with you, eh?" Avery asked. "What're you doing, fraternizing with them?"
"What?" Severus was bewildered.
"You got to know the rules, mate," Lucius said. "You don't really talk to people outside your own House."
Radixa shot him a brilliant smile over her cauldron. He waved anyway. Professor Tripote, the Potions teacher, was also head of Slytherin house, and displayed a blatant favoritism for his students. He was a tall, handsome man with a tendency to be extraordinarily cruel. Severus was reminded acutely and unpleasantly of his father. Tripote of course wasted no time. By the second week they were working on fairly advanced theories, and Severus fell into the late-night study habit, as all Hogwarts students eventually did.
Over the next few months, he saw less and less of Radixa, despite the fact that they had classes together. They grew apart, not that they had ever had any real basis of friendship in the first place, and Severus became absorbed in Slytherin life. One conversation didn't qualify a lifelong friendship, did it? Still, he missed her sometimes, especially when he was having issues with his Charms homework.
Quidditch season started, but Severus had no interest in it. First years were never allowed to play, and he never went down to the pitch to cheer his team on. It wasn't worth it. Besides, he'd much rather be studying his Defense Against the Dark Arts. That was without a doubt his favorite subject. He read the book fervently, practicing incantations and aching to move on to more advanced things.
Christmas rolled around, and Severus found himself actually anticipating the ride home. He packed his trunk and went outside to enjoy the snow for a while before everyone would be packed off onto the train.
In the center of the courtyard, he saw a girl holding an owl on her arm; on closer inspection he realized it was Radixa. He ran up to her, breath frosting in the cold air. "Radixa," he said delightedly.
She turned to him and smiled that brilliant smile. "Hello, Severus. Happy Christmas."
"Same to you." Severus observed the beautiful white owl. His own Julius was quite a spectacle himself, and her snowy owl was called Venus after the goddess of love. "Sending a letter home?" he inquired.
"No," Radixa said. "Venus doesn't get out too often… I don't get a lot of mail, you know. So I thought I'd give her a chance to exercise." Her eyes, very blue, looked sad for an instant, and then she let the bird go, soaring up into the blank sky. "To go with her!" Radixa sighed, smiling softly. She turned to him. "I'd love to fly."
Before Severus could answer, he heard the gravelly voice of MacMillan and the laughter of Lucius Malfoy. "Come on, Severus, get yourself back over to your side!" they called derisively. "What are you doing with the intellectual?"
Radixa looked over at the gang of Slytherin boys. "Your friends?" she asked, her voice a little less warm.
Severus smiled sheepishly. "You could say that." The boys were cavorting around, waving at him. "I'd better go." He backed away, not wanting to move but too afraid of losing his friends to stay. "Happy Christmas, Radixa."
"Same to you," she said shortly as he walked away. Radixa ached a little inside as he left, thinking how little she'd seen of him since September, and how much he'd changed. She sighed and held her arm out as Venus returned, landing lightly and nuzzling her soft head into Radixa's neck. "Things change too much, don't they?" she asked the bird, who hooted softly as if replying. Radixa went back into the school. Her nose was numb anyway.
"What is with you?" Lucius asked, slapping him on the back and leading him off. "You're a Slytherin now, mate, you might as well observe the protocol."
Severus forgot the incident quickly when he arrived back at Kings Cross station the next day and found his mother waiting for him. Aura Snape looked tired and worn, and meaner. She greeted her son shortly. It was surprisingly cold in London. The air was bitter, sharp, and Severus covered his face with his scarf.
The house was bleak, quiet, and empty. "Your father will be home later," Aura said shortly to her son, and disappeared into her bedroom.
Severus sat heavily at the table. "Are you hungry?" Binky asked softly, emerging from the living room.
He shot a grateful look at the house-elf, who looked exhausted. "Starved."
Binky set to cooking right away, and soon Severus smelled his favorite: roasted chicken. Binky never failed to make the best chicken around.
Severus looked at the living room and finally realized what it was that was bothering him. "Where's our Christmas tree?" he asked.
Binky looked as if she'd been dreading that question. "There isn't one this year," she answered slowly. "Your father… your father couldn't afford it."
Severus knew not to ask questions. He ate what was put in front of him.
Aura came out of the room in a housedress, and Severus nearly choked on his food. His mother's stomach was round; much too round to constitute any weight gain. Aura was pregnant.
Binky saw his astonished look and gestured him into silence. Aura went into the living room. She spoke to no one, and Severus had the distinct impression that she was angry about being pregnant. He saw the disdain with which she threw herself around, taking no care of her belly. This was the first time he saw his mother as human. And it had been so long since she had had a baby; after all, he was already eleven.
A moment later Aura burst back in and shooed him out of the kitchen. Severus fled to his room, still the same nondescript color. His stuffed hippogriff was still there, and it was with no small measure of joy that he jumped onto his bed and flung the toy up into the air. He might have been eleven and practically a grown man (so he thought), but that hippogriff had seen him through some hard times, and he was not about to abandon it. It was good to be home.
A tapping at his window startled him. To his utter astonishment it was Venus, Radixa's owl. She had a package tied to her leg and looked extremely cold. Severus opened his window and let her in with a swirl of wind and the first snowflakes. It would be a white Christmas after all.
Venus stuck out her leg and Severus untied the package. Venus fluttered over to share Julius's food and water.
Severus flopped onto his bed and observed the box. Unable to resist his curiosity, and despite the flashing "do not open until Christmas" labels, he opened the box, delighted that he'd gotten a present. A letter fell out.
Dear Severus,
Happy Christmas. Hope you like what I sent.
Love Radixa
Eagerly Severus tore into the tissue paper around the present. A huge assortment of candies fell out, and Severus's eyes widened. Fizzing Whizbees, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, Chocolate Frogs… Severus was absolutely thrilled. And then a small model of a wizard, blinking in the light after being in the box for so long, tumbled out and waved cheerily. Severus recognized the man as Phineas Nigellus, one of the former headmasters of Hogwarts and a wizard renowned for his work in potions. How had she known?
Severus hastily wrote a letter of thanks and a promise of a present and attached it to Julius's leg. He'd have to get her something magnificent. The thought made him smile.
Christmas passed uneventfully, and the train ride back to Hogwarts was solitary. Severus waited to see if Radixa would somehow find him, but she didn't, and he was surprised that he was so disappointed. He had sent her a necklace a day before Christmas, and received a note of thanks, but nothing else.
"Snape!" James Potter came bounding up the train and opened the door. "How are you, mate?" He was wearing a gold chain with a small pendant that Severus recognized as a miniature Snitch. He grinned a little. James had expressed his wish to play Quidditch many times. But, as everyone knew, first years never made the team. He knew James was awaiting the next year so that he could finally make his mark on the world of Quidditch. He had fond dreams of fame.
"How was your haul this year?" James asked.
Severus realized he meant Christmas presents, and he was ashamed to say that he hadn't gotten anything besides Radixa's presents. Iugo had spent the night out, his mother had spent the night on the sofa, and Binky hadn't been around. Severus had simply stayed in his room. If only students were allowed to do magic outside of school, he thought desolately. He would have liked to brighten his room up somewhat.
"Plenty," Severus lied. "Books, mostly. Some candy, a new sweater. Usual."
James nodded. "I got a broom," he said, leaning in conspiratorially. "'Course I didn't take it in with me, but I will in September, you watch. You'll be flying with me, mate."
Severus grinned. It was going to be a good rest of the year.
The end of term approached without incident, and Severus was relieved that he'd actually enjoyed his first year. He was also relieved that he hadn't been home. He didn't like to think of the scenes that had gone on in his absence.
When he disembarked the train at Kings Cross, his father was waiting for him. "Come," he said by way of greeting. "Your mother is home ill."
Severus took that to mean that she had recently given birth, and shuddered involuntarily. "Was it a boy or a girl?" he ventured.
"Dead," was his father's answer, and there was no remorse or regret in it. Severus had the acute sense his father was glad the baby had died. They took a Muggle taxi back to their house, and Severus went straight into the living room to greet Binky.
Binky, however, was nowhere to be found. "Where's Binky?" he asked his father, who was looking in on the sleeping figure of his mother.
"I freed her," Iugo said simply, shutting the door to the master bedroom.
"What?" Severus was shocked. "Why?"
"I found her putting together a box of things that I found inappropriate. And so I freed her. I need not justify myself to you, boy." Iugo swept out of the room, leaving his son in distress.
Poor Binky! She had never been anything but mistreated, and she had never complained, not once. He knew that she was the only one who had truly loved him in that house, and it was to her that he came with his problems. She was his fountain of wisdom, and his reassurance that the world was not as bleak as it was in his house. In fact, Binky had been the one person (and yes, he thought of her as a person) that he respected. And she had been the one person he looked forward to seeing. Now she was gone.
He had wanted to relay his entire year to her, to give her blow-by-blow accounts of everything: the Sorting, the new classes, Radixa… everything.
What was he going to do now?
