SPOILERS: Season 5 (up to Emily)
TIMELINE: A month after Emily.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own FM, DS or Mrs. Scully, nor do I claim to. CC and 1013 Productions do. I promise to give them back after I've finished playing with them.
THE FAMILY
by Winam
The sand twisted and turned, obscuring the already faded horizon. Lashing wind lodged sand into my eyes and nostrils and mouth. Cutting sand. Suffocating sand.
My feet lose their balance as the dunes restlessly shift towards an unknown destination. I am weary, the tiny cross that hung like a talisman around my neck weighs me down towards disillusionment. The last of my hope dying in the arms of a three-year-old child.
My child.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Cafe latte?"
"Thanks."
The waitress set down the glass on the table, the chink of glass surprisingly harsh. I briefly fingered the napkin wrapped neatly around the glass before tasting the coffee.
If it was good, I did not notice. Nor did I notice the light Saturday afternoon chatter that fragmented across the Georgetown deli. My mind was far too restless to cope with mere trivialities, preferring to reside in the vacant tunnels of emotion that I had entered into three short weeks ago.
Three weeks.
That was all it took to scatter the seeds of life's meaning that I had so scrupulously gathered. All it took was one little girl.
Emily changed the way I looked at my life, at myself. From the beginning, I had felt a bond with this little girl, this stranger who was essentially closer to me than family. I felt the bond surge when I saw her for the first time, staring mournfully in the arms of her adoptive father. It was as if the pieces of my life locked into place when I fastened my cross around her neck. I knew that with the cross, I passed on a piece of my hope, my faith.
Perhaps it was why I felt so hollow at her funeral a few weeks later, when I discovered Emily's empty coffin. I had given her a mother's love. When she died, all my love drained with her to be replaced by a seething anger. At the ones who killed her. At the ones who made her suffer. At the ones who created her to serve Their agenda.
Mulder's quiet presence did nothing to calm me. His calm words and gentle touches did not bridge the distance that had been quietly growing between us. It only reminded me of all the opportunities missed over the years. All the opportunities to grow and to be happy and to love. Lost. Because we were afraid of the consequences.
The calm of the afternoon was broken by a child's laugh. A small boy on an adjoining table was counting on his fingers, his voice muffled from beneath his oversized cap. His mother and father sat beside him, faces radiant in the faded light.
"One, two, three, four..."
I watched in fascination.
"That's great, Tom!" encouraged the father.
"Five... six..."
The mother laughed at the antics of her child while straightening his collar.
"What's after six?"
"Um... is it eight?" the boy said, screwing up his face in confusion.
"No. Starts with ssss..."
"Seven?"
"Yeah, that's it. Good boy." laughed the father, ruffling the boy's head. The boy shined.
While the boy raced to ten, his parents cheered. I cheered on silently with them, for them. For the family that I will never have.
I once entertained hopes of getting married, settling down to a normal life with the man I loved. Oh, I knew it was all wishful thinking -- I was a born wanderer, hopping from one Naval base to another as a child, from one goal to another as a student, from one small town to another in the field. Despite this, I wanted all the trappings of normalcy. I watched my brothers marry, my cousins marry, my best friends marry, and I would envy them all. Even if the marriage didn't work out. At least they had the opportunity.
I was tired of being alone, damn it!
Unfortunately, the only man I could see myself marrying was not the marrying kind. He was obsessive, guilt-ridden, obnoxious on the verge of childishness. But he was also loyal, trusting, and was the only person who had ever came close to understanding me. What a pity that he was also my work partner (although I'm sure this reason concerns us less and less), and that the word marriage frightens him more than the IRS or the dentist combined.
I watched the young family leave and sighed.
Marriage. Children. Fox Mulder.
Watching Mulder play with Emily made me smile. He was extremely gentle, extremely funny. It was as if kids allowed him to let his quirky and childlike personality shine through. I'd find myself wanting to hug and thank him for being so wonderful to her. But I chose to push him away. I thought I was strong enough, until I realised I needed him more the harder I pushed.
I suddenly felt chilled, even with the warmth of the coffee starting to sink in. I crossed my arms and stared inside the cup. Thinking of Mulder and Emily.
"Dana?"
I hastily looked up to find my mother staring at me.
"You okay, honey?"
"Um, yeah." I stammered, quickly pulling out a chair for her.
"I'm not going to sit yet, hon. Do you mind if I bring someone today?"
She was probably referring to one of her friends. Mom almost always goes to the mall with a friend. It's one of the few times during the week she can socialise.
"Sure, bring her in." I said.
"Actually, it's a 'he'. I'll go out and get him."
She ducked out quickly, leaving my mouth gaping open. Why didn't Mom tell me she was dating? Don't get me wrong. I don't have anything against Mom dating. It's just a surprise when she hasn't really dated since Dad died. Not anyone I'd met, anyway. So who was this mystery man?
I held my breath, staring expectantly at the door.
And breathed out a sigh of relief when Mulder came tagging in after my mother. He sat down, looking strangely bashful.
"You'd be surprised at who you'd find at Victoria's Secret." said Mom.
"Victoria's Secret?" I mouthed at Mulder.
"I was passing by on the way to Wal-Mart." Mulder defended.
"And wasn't that a nice burgundy slip in the window, Fox?" my mother said, absolutely straight-faced.
Mulder reddened.
"Mom..." I sighed, shaking my head.
"Well, it was nice. And don't you think it was Dana's colour, Fox?"
Mulder couldn't have gotten much redder if he turned into a tomato.
"Mom, stop embarrassing Mulder."
"Oh, I'm not embarrassing him." she smiled. "But I think you should take a look at it, hon. Fox could show you."
She called the waitress over before anyone could protest, and I caught Mulder with a shock-horror expression on his face. We exchanged knowing grins. Mothers.
We ordered and ate and talked casual small talk, giving us a chance to catch up with Mom. I felt the hollowness that had swallowed me a few moments before disappear as I relaxed in the presence of the two most important people in my life.
Then I realised, this was my family. These were the people I most cared for, the people I was most bound to. And even if they were the only people who gave a damn about me, it was enough.
Mom made a quick exit after an hour, leaving Mulder and I alone at the table. Real subtle, Mom.
"Your mom's amazing." Mulder said as he watched her walk out to the busy mall, waving through the window.
"Yeah, I know." I smiled, waving back to her. "Sorry about that. My mother has yet to grasp the meaning of the word subtlety."
"No need to apologise. I haven't heard of anyone dying of embarrassment yet."
"I don't know," I chuckled. "but lots have come close with my mother."
"Must be hell bring home dates."
"Yeah, I was always afraid they'll skip the country because of Mom's subtle meddling."
He laughed softly, playing with his cup.
"Speaking of which," I reminded him. "are you going to show me that slip?"
He didn't even blink. I was impressed. "Sure. As long as you get to model it for me." he dared.
I grinned. "Watch what you're asking Mulder, or I'll might just do it."
