I am tall, well, tall for a girl at least. Last I checked, I was 5'7" and weighed 116. It is October 4th, and I'm sitting here, at my window, waiting to see the rain. The bright sun on this cloudless day taunts me. Why am I watching for rain on a day like this? Good question. As of late, rain seems to be the only thing that I can really enjoy. Rain makes me forget. Rain to me is like ecstasy to a druggie, in a crowd of half naked women, in a tight area, at a concert. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. Like there is something after this, something that I can believe in. As for why I'm looking for it now, well that's because it's October 4th. The anniversary of the first day I tried to kill myself last year.
October 4th, of last year: My arm wasn't bleeding this time. I had changed. Not for the better though. I changed strategies. Instead of slitting my wrists, I just burnt them. That way I couldn't accidentally slip and kill myself and there was less mess. Instead I had these long strips of sickly yellow bubbles pussing out of my arm, and soft red-pink pale fleshy skin as a backdrop to my yellow bubbles. But really what was the point of keeping it from accidentally killing me? Where would I go afterwords, isn't that the question everyone wants to know? Why don't I find out now? Besides, I've experienced enough life to realize that I can't stand another word of it. So I grabbed my pill jars. I opened the rigid white cap and poured out a hand full of these long skinny pills, that on one side said 300, and on the other side was the word seroquel. I had a handful, of maybe ten or fifteen. And I shoved them in my mouth violently drinking water and swallowing them down. The next thing I remember is that I was in the hospital getting my stomach pumped.
So I waited, sitting on the chair across the kitchen looking out the window staring at the damned cloudless sky. If it didn't rain today I didn't know what I would do. I needed it to rain, my memories were already seeping back into my mind. The voices were already taking their chairs in my brain so that they can begin their conference of violent yelling and arguing. I needed at least something, before everything came back. Everything was always their behind a curtain waiting for when I was alone. But today they would come inevitably, and full force. It seems like the longer I live, the more memories I get, the more bad memories can be thrown into my face once I'm alone. I lean back from my frantic anticipating position on the creaky wooden chair and grab out a fresh pack of smokes from my green army jacket that I wear constantly. I take one out, stick it between my teeth, and get out my green lighter. I need it, I know it's bad, but I need it. It eases the voices, the memories it calms it down. It doesn't get rid of them, but it gives me something else to focus on. I light up, and set the lighter carefully on the table so that its standing up and lined up with the crease on the table. I huffed in the fumes of my poisonous obsession.
Then I heard a soft female voice, and I crumbled down into my self sliding deeper into the chair. The voices were finally here, weren't they? And they sound so real compared to before.
"Hello-oo... any one home?" The voice spoke again. It was different though, it felt like it was coming from outside. I glanced around quickly, and saw a shadow in the window. Quickly I closed my eyes.
"Not again, not again." I chanted to myself while holding my head, Not another hallucination. And then there was soft knocking. I turned around quickly to face my fear, and I was looking through the window at a beautiful girl with short black choppy bits of hair that fell into her face. She Had crazy black eyeliner and makeup. Her skin was pale as snow, and she wore all black. Her black skinny jeans were ripped at the knees, and her long black over coat was frazzled at the edges. On her jacket was a large yellow happy face button, and around her neck was a silver chain with a large silver ankh that hung down to her belly button. She was utterly enchanting, and a smile was spread across her face, dimples sprouted on her cheeks and her white teeth stood out amongst the blackness of her clothing.
Then I felt something flick my lip, and something hot hit my hand. It sat there for a bit as I stared at the beautiful girl through the window. And then there was a sizzle and my hand burned like crazy. As a natural reaction my hand flew up ward tossing whatever had been on it, off. I looked to find a burn mark and ash sitting on my hand, I softly wiped it off, and went and opened the door.
"You shouldn't leave lit cigarettes on the carpet like that." The girl said suddenly very serious. I glanced back at the carpet, where my cigarette was littering ash all over, and touched my lip, I guess it had fallen out and I hadn't really noticed. I picked it up and put it out in the ash tray on the table.
"May I come it?" The girl asked while my back was turned.
"Uhh... " I glanced back at her, she was stunningly beautiful " Sure why not? Make yourself comfortable, what can I do you for?" I asked the girl, looking back at her she was sitting interestingly on the arm of the couch, legs crossed and back straight, her hands rested on her knees. She sat unnaturally still. A dirty thought emerged into my mind, and I quickly shoved it off. A grin spread across her lips, like she knew something I didn't know she knew.
"So what's your name?" I asked trying to change the subject.
"Well, many things... but the latest, and most common is probably Didi. Well the last me decided Didi. I think I'll stick with it, as cliché as the name may be. Yours is, hmm, Violet." She asked in more of a telling than asking tone.
"How'd you know?" I asked astonished.
"Violet Anne Carraway. Born from a rich family and an only child, but then your father was arrested for Fraud and you and your mother lost everything. Your mother started cheating on your father while he was locked up. Then your mother tried to keep the house, causing a stressful situation, because you no longer had any money. So she kicked you out to make ends tie... right? You are in between roommates, because your last roommate killed himself. In the upstairs hallway, right? Heh, I know you all too well Violet. Me and him remember when you found his body, he finally felt like someone cared about him when you cried over his bloody mess. But then the police showed up and you were completely composed. Not even a hint of pain, You're good at hiding Violet, well practiced. I wonder why you haven't tried to get rid of the house?" She rang off like she knew me her whole life. Pure shock whistled through my head. But I stayed straight faced.
"How did you know? uh... how do you know him?"
"Why didn't you leave violet? Money problems? No one would buy? Or was it because you liked it? You liked the character the house got from your memories of him, and how you can still see the blood stain even when no one else can?" Didi whispered, as if this secret was only for me.
"I-... I don't know. It just didn't work for me. T-they wanted me to stay. So I did."
"They?"
"yes, the … the people."
"Have you ever met one of these 'people'?"
"Well... no. But I know them well. They like me, I'm a prodigy for their army. They say I'm fit for the job, I just need to prove my obedience... But why am I telling you this?! You aren't supposed to know about them!" I say shaky. I can tell her about my voices. I can't. She'll think I'm insane.
"Ms. Carraway, please. I already know you're insane. I've been watching you for a long time, because you spiked my interest. And it could be that you were being watched by me that made you considerably more insane, or your insanity just took it's natural course. Either way, I always knew it would progress, thats why I watch you. Insanity is not a bad thing, I have many friends that have it-"
"Wait... you-you watch me?! Who the hell are you?" I interrupted her.
"You know who I am, violet. Everyone knows, deep down, who I really am. We talked last year... about this time. You were burning? Right?"
"G-get out." I said trying trying to keep my voice flat. So many memories were bursting out of their cages. I grabbed my head, and felt a warm tear drip off the edge of my nose. "no, no, no, no, no" I chanted my mantra. Put it back in, put it all back in. They can't show their faces again, I can't let them! I can't see it again.
" You need to." She sad sadly.
"What the fuck are you talking about!? I need nothing! I am my own person! I am strong! Just put them back!" I screamed, and fell to the floor. I remembered the blood, the smell, everything I could feel it. His empty face staring up at me, there was nothing there. And for some reason, that wasn't even the worst part. The worst part, was that I felt utterly alone, again. I slammed my palm into my face, quickly. With a thud, I knocked myself backwards. I felt my nose sting and suddenly wetness slid down my face in a never ending stream. I looked down, and red was everywhere. It would touch something, and then that something would touch something else and it would suddenly be full force in all three places, it wouldn't stop, I felt like I was drowning, it was everywhere. So I closed my eyes, and imagined the blood held all of my cages full of memories. And it was flowing out of me, all of my memories. So relaxed and I breathed.
"Violet, you shouldn't hurt youself. It won't help. It just distracts you. You need help" Didi's voice said caringly to me. I opened my eyes, and suddenly her beautiful face was right next to mine. Her pale hands with black nails held a small red rag that cleaned up the blood on my face Or, more likely smeared it all over my face.
"How do I get rid of the memories?" I cried out in agony. I have never broken like this in front of someone before.
" The thing about memories is that, you can't get rid of them" Didi said with empathy. 'You can't get rid of them', those words echoed through my head. They were my end. My doom. "You have to face them." She said bravely. Maybe she was just being brave for me?
"No, no, I can't. I can't see them anymore. I can't do that!" I yelled shoving her away. I felt bad for pushing her, and worse for smeared red all over her black coat, but she just smiled at me.
"Violet, you need to accept that they happened to you. You will never be able to be happy, or forget about them, until you accept them." Didi said, brushing my hair behind my ear. She was so lovely and caring. Could I really say no?
But then the face I never wanted to see again, came back. The wrinkles, the dark bags under his eyes. The cigar smoke, and chocolate brown hair. His scruffy face, with black five o'clock shadow all over it. I screamed, I couldn't see him again! I closed my eyes, but he was there. He was everywhere.
"Get away!" I screamed and crawled backwards into the wall, blood smeared across the floor, but I think my nose stopped bleeding.
"Violet, you have to see him. Let it come, it will hurt, but it will help in the end." Didi said. I shook my head violently. My head was pounding in pain. I slammed it into the wall behind me.
"Please! Please" I sobbed, how could someone destroy me so easily? "Why are you doing this?"
"Well... I've watched you long enough to know that if I left you for another year, I would have another person to take with me to my realm, and you're not ready for that violet. You are young and beautiful, and intelligent, I can't bring myself to take you away for no reason. So I need to help. Yes, you will die eventually. Everyone does. But, I decided I would try to help... in exchange for something."
"What? Why? Please, just take me." I cried. I would rather go than face my memories. But I guess that's death, you never get a choice in the matter, things just happen.
"I need you to accept your memories as a part of you, or I can't let you stay." Didi said gravely.
"I won't accept. Just let me die."
"You don't really want that, violet." Didi whispered. She was right, I didn't know what I wanted, but facing memories, wasn't it.
