September 21st 2007

It's really insane how you can open up to someone you only just met!

Yesterday my life fell apart. The only person I've ever really loved told me he loved me, but he deserved better. What the fuck does that mean?! We were meant to be leaving our life in Chester behind to start a new life in Dublin together, but he changed his mind at the last minute. He asked me to kiss him, in the middle of the airport! I'm used to the fact that I'm in love with another guy, but I don't wanna shove it in people's faces! Ok, so maybe that's not really true, that's not why I didn't kiss him. I guess I don't want people to look at me and think I'm gay, cause I'm not, I just fell in love with a guy, one guy, it's a one off, I seriously doubt I'd ever fall for a guy again, mind you, I might never fall for anyone again cause right now, I don't think I'll ever get over the guy who broke my heart.

I honestly have no idea how I got to Dublin or made it to my flat. It was like I was walking in a daze, my feet just carried me without any assistance from my brain, I still can't believe I'm here on my own, it's just not real.

The flat I managed to get looks pretty decent, big kitchen, living area and four double rooms. Wireless internet access and all the comforts of home, except of course my boyfriend. It's in a pretty quiet area but looks to be not too far from uni and subsequently, the uni nightlife so should be easy to stumble from the pub to home without getting into too much trouble.

I've got three flatmates, Lexie, another fresher who was here when I got here, Stuart, a second year whom Lexie says was here last week but left for a while and another girl who should be arriving in the next few days.

Anyways, for some reason I felt really comfortable with Lexie, I'm not sure why. I'm usually so guarded when I meet new people, especially lately, but last night I just let go and totally unloaded onto her. She was just so easy to talk to, I knew straight away she wouldn't be judging me or anything so I told her everything, starting with the end and working my way back. She thinks it might have been for the best, give me a chance to get used to who I am, whomever that may be and get comfortable with the idea of kissing another man in public before I try and fix things with John Paul. She said I should keep in touch with him, tell him I understand why he couldn't come with me and that I was going to try and be the man he needs me to be if only he'll wait for me (her words, not mine)! But how can I do that when I don't really understand? How can I get comfortable with being in love with another man if he's not here for me to love?!

I really don't know what I'm going to do or how I'm going to cope with this. John Paul was all I was holding on to for the last few months, loving him was all that kept me going. How do I do this without him? Lexie suggested I start a journal, so that's what I'm doing. I've never done this before, I'm not sure how it goes but I guess I'll just use it to record what I'm thinking and doing, vent when I'm angry, cry when I'm upset and maybe it'll give me the strength to keep going.



Who knows, maybe one day I'll share it with John Paul and he can see just how much he really means to me and how hard I'm trying to be the man he needs me to be.