Alright, this is my funny new comedy about Thomas Andrews, Ismay, and Captain Smith. Lots of swearing and crude terms, but still very funny!
*Camera comes on, revealing Thomas Andrews, Ismay, and Captain Smith sitting in a fancy cabin in three fancy chairs drinking fancy tea out of fancy teacups.*
Ismay: Hello and welcome to the-
Andrews: *glares at Ismay,* Who said you had to right to welcome everybody?
Ismay: I did!
Andrews: Who said you were in charge?
Ismay: Look, I owned the Titanic!
Andrews: Yeah, well I freakin' designed it!
Smith: Yeah, well I commanded it!
Ismay: *He glares at Smith,* Right into a bloody iceberg!
Smith: What? Hell no! It was the goddamn helmsman's fault, I was asleep, dreaming of that beach I was gonna go to after I retired! *He waves his arms around for emphasis.*
Andrews: Chill, Captain, you're gonna spill your tea on me!
Ismay: Anyways! *He turns back to the camera,* Hello and welcome to the-
Smith: Goddamnnit! What did Thomas just say about starting the show off?
Ismay: Shut up! *He turns back to the camera and shouts real fast,* Hello and welcome to the Titanic Talk Show! *He turns back to Andrews and Smith and smirks at them,* See? I still welcomed them!
Andrews: Doesn't count! *He yells.*
Ismay: What the hell, Andrews? Why the fuck not?
Andrews: You said it so fast all the audience is gonna hear is: HelndweloeoheTitanalkow!
Smith: Point. *He lifts his finger.* How about we do it together?
Andrews: No!
Ismay: I must be the only one!
Smith: Why can't we just do it together and get it fucking over with already?
Andrews: Because Ismay's an arrogant bastard, and I refuse to work together with him for anything!
Ismay: Except when it's building ships. *He smirks.*
Smith: Right, right, whatever. You two are like three-year olds.
Ismay: You're the three-year old!
Andrews: My God, why are you behaving like my wife when she's on her period?
Smith: Yeah, seriously, Ismay!
Ismay: I will fire you both, bitches!
Andrews: Shut it! We're all about to loose our jobs anyways because you were a pussy and jumped into a fucking lifeboat, Captain Smith stood in his office or whatever and killed himself, and then me, well, I don't know what the fuck I did!
Smith: You helped people and then went and cried about how big a failure you were in the First Class Smoking Room awaiting your death. *He smirks,* If that even helps.
*Andrews flicks Smith off and Ismay seizes the moment to welcome everybody to the show.*
Ismay: Hello and welcome! Our first guest is-
Andrews: Oh my God, fucking shut up!
Smith: This was a bad idea. All we're doing is fighting.
Ismay: We do that anyway. All this does is let the world see.
Andrews: Go put a ball in it, Ismay!
Smith: He can't, he doesn't have any.
*High-fives and hysterical laughter, except for Ismay, who glares at Smith and Andrews.*
Ismay: Hold up! *He raises both hands.* If you guys died when my precious wonder sank, then why the hell are you here now?
*Andrews and Smith exchange a look and shrug.*
Andrews: How the fuck should I know? I'm not a ghost whisperer!
Smith: You're a ship whisperer though. *He snickers.*
Andrews: What the hell does that mean?
Ismay: Oh, like you don't recall your 'conversations' with Titanic?
Andrews: *Shakes head,* Uh, no?
Smith: You would say things like, "Oh, baby, sailing day is just a week away" and "I'll miss you when I'm at home in bed with my wife tonight," and other jacked up shit like that.
Andrews: Hell no! I did not! *He stands up in protest.*
Ismay: *He takes out a recorder and presses a button, and a very disturbing track of Andrews talking to Titanic plays.*
All: ...
Andrews: You stalker. I'm getting a restraining order.
Ismay: Why?
Andrews: You have no right to invade on my personal life?
Smith: Dude, it's a fucking ship!
Andrews: It made me famous!
Ismay: It made me more famous!
Andrews: Shut the hell up, you homosexual bastard!
All: ...
Smith: You don't have a clue what that means, do you?
Andrews: No. I just know it's an insult.
Ismay: It's true!
*Others stare at Ismay.*
Ismay: My God, I meant it was an insult! I am certainly not a, uh, a homosexual...bastard... *Shifts uncomfortably in chair and looks at floor.*
Smith: *Clears throat and reaches for camera,* Yeah, I'm turning this off now...
*Camera shuts off*
It's stupid yes, but it was supposed to be funny! More to come, I promise! Review!
