Alright, this is my funny new comedy about Thomas Andrews, Ismay, and Captain Smith. Lots of swearing and crude terms, but still very funny!


*Camera comes on, revealing Thomas Andrews, Ismay, and Captain Smith sitting in a fancy cabin in three fancy chairs drinking fancy tea out of fancy teacups.*

Ismay: Hello and welcome to the-

Andrews: *glares at Ismay,* Who said you had to right to welcome everybody?

Ismay: I did!

Andrews: Who said you were in charge?

Ismay: Look, I owned the Titanic!

Andrews: Yeah, well I freakin' designed it!

Smith: Yeah, well I commanded it!

Ismay: *He glares at Smith,* Right into a bloody iceberg!

Smith: What? Hell no! It was the goddamn helmsman's fault, I was asleep, dreaming of that beach I was gonna go to after I retired! *He waves his arms around for emphasis.*

Andrews: Chill, Captain, you're gonna spill your tea on me!

Ismay: Anyways! *He turns back to the camera,* Hello and welcome to the-

Smith: Goddamnnit! What did Thomas just say about starting the show off?

Ismay: Shut up! *He turns back to the camera and shouts real fast,* Hello and welcome to the Titanic Talk Show! *He turns back to Andrews and Smith and smirks at them,* See? I still welcomed them!

Andrews: Doesn't count! *He yells.*

Ismay: What the hell, Andrews? Why the fuck not?

Andrews: You said it so fast all the audience is gonna hear is: HelndweloeoheTitanalkow!

Smith: Point. *He lifts his finger.* How about we do it together?

Andrews: No!

Ismay: I must be the only one!

Smith: Why can't we just do it together and get it fucking over with already?

Andrews: Because Ismay's an arrogant bastard, and I refuse to work together with him for anything!

Ismay: Except when it's building ships. *He smirks.*

Smith: Right, right, whatever. You two are like three-year olds.

Ismay: You're the three-year old!

Andrews: My God, why are you behaving like my wife when she's on her period?

Smith: Yeah, seriously, Ismay!

Ismay: I will fire you both, bitches!

Andrews: Shut it! We're all about to loose our jobs anyways because you were a pussy and jumped into a fucking lifeboat, Captain Smith stood in his office or whatever and killed himself, and then me, well, I don't know what the fuck I did!

Smith: You helped people and then went and cried about how big a failure you were in the First Class Smoking Room awaiting your death. *He smirks,* If that even helps.

*Andrews flicks Smith off and Ismay seizes the moment to welcome everybody to the show.*

Ismay: Hello and welcome! Our first guest is-

Andrews: Oh my God, fucking shut up!

Smith: This was a bad idea. All we're doing is fighting.

Ismay: We do that anyway. All this does is let the world see.

Andrews: Go put a ball in it, Ismay!

Smith: He can't, he doesn't have any.

*High-fives and hysterical laughter, except for Ismay, who glares at Smith and Andrews.*

Ismay: Hold up! *He raises both hands.* If you guys died when my precious wonder sank, then why the hell are you here now?

*Andrews and Smith exchange a look and shrug.*

Andrews: How the fuck should I know? I'm not a ghost whisperer!

Smith: You're a ship whisperer though. *He snickers.*

Andrews: What the hell does that mean?

Ismay: Oh, like you don't recall your 'conversations' with Titanic?

Andrews: *Shakes head,* Uh, no?

Smith: You would say things like, "Oh, baby, sailing day is just a week away" and "I'll miss you when I'm at home in bed with my wife tonight," and other jacked up shit like that.

Andrews: Hell no! I did not! *He stands up in protest.*

Ismay: *He takes out a recorder and presses a button, and a very disturbing track of Andrews talking to Titanic plays.*

All: ...

Andrews: You stalker. I'm getting a restraining order.

Ismay: Why?

Andrews: You have no right to invade on my personal life?

Smith: Dude, it's a fucking ship!

Andrews: It made me famous!

Ismay: It made me more famous!

Andrews: Shut the hell up, you homosexual bastard!

All: ...

Smith: You don't have a clue what that means, do you?

Andrews: No. I just know it's an insult.

Ismay: It's true!

*Others stare at Ismay.*

Ismay: My God, I meant it was an insult! I am certainly not a, uh, a homosexual...bastard... *Shifts uncomfortably in chair and looks at floor.*

Smith: *Clears throat and reaches for camera,* Yeah, I'm turning this off now...

*Camera shuts off*


It's stupid yes, but it was supposed to be funny! More to come, I promise! Review!