Lost and Found

© 2005-2006 by MMHG aka Gypsy Heart

Summary: This is a dark tale of love inspired by our favorite Potions master, Severus Snape, as channeled by Alan Rickman. It involves, among other things, gloomy dungeons, hidden desires, passionate embraces and stolen kisses, all placed against an actual plot…

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all his friends (and enemies) are the brain-child of J.K. Rowling. Exclusive ownership belongs to JKR, Arthur A. Levine Books and Scholastic Inc. Jane Sinclair and all additional characters belong to me. You belong to yourself.

Feedback: Greatly appreciated.

Distribution: FanFiction and Adultfanfiction. Set to go up on Occlumency soon. If you want to post my story anywhere else, please let me know.

Comments: Set after HBP, so major spoilers ahead! I'm not a literary major, but I do try to please my readers by providing them with a story that is both entertaining and well-written. I'm also making every effort to stay true to the characters as they were written by JKR and/or portrayed in the movies. I only allow myself little liberties here and there. This brings me to Severus Snape. I believe him to be a complex and very conflicted character – not the obvious villain Harry and his friends perceive him to be. Nonetheless, I simply can't see him going on picnics or dates or flower picking or cooking a romantic dinner. I am certain that even the mere suggestion of such activities would earn a most contemptuous sneer from Severus. Consequently, I shall not disrespect him in such a fashion. To those of you who want to see Snape pick flowers or can't handle multi-chapter prose, I say this: do yourselves a favor and hit the BACK button now. Unless, of course, you feel adventurous – in that case, please read on and enjoy!

Rating: If children are thought a suitable audience for a story where people called Death Eaters torture and kill the innocent, grisly hooded skeletons try to suck out your soul, and a crazed psychopathic maniac, who makes Hitler look like a preschool teacher, is out to dominate the world, they certainly won't go blind reading my story – well, at least the first few chapters. Rest assured, once it gets too wild, appropriate warning lights will flash and parents will be asked to shield the eyes and ears of their impressionable offspring, who – come to think of it – shouldn't be here in the first place. Kids, go and read Tom Sawyer, or something similarly educational.

Nonetheless, it's rated M/R (depending which rating system you follow).


I once was lost but now am found

Amazing Grace, Traditional

Chapter One – The Return

where a witch returns from exile and makes some friends…

Jane Sinclair had been in London for less than two hours and already was running late. She had managed to make her way to King's Cross from the airport after her rental car reservation had mysteriously disappeared into cyberspace, only to find that in order to change trains, she actually had to walk a couple of blocks to the other train terminal. Now there she was, lugging a large suitcase, a carry-on and a purse up the narrow staircase bumping into people hurrying past her. Out of breath, Jane reached the top of the stairs and quickly oriented herself before deciding to simply follow the throng of people walking briskly in one direction. Her suitcase suddenly tilted to the side, painfully twisting her wrist. Cursing under her breath, she struggled valiantly to straighten her stubborn valise without causing a major pile-up on the narrow sidewalk.

She dragged her unwilling luggage towards the King's Cross terminal, barely sparing a glance at the colorful shops and restaurants lining the street. Checking her watch, Jane realized that she was cutting it rather close and she picked up her pace. Once inside King's Cross, she felt momentarily lost. She looked around, trying to figure out where to go. Things certainly had changed since the last time she'd been here. People of all shapes and sizes were pushing past her, each apparently knowing where they were going. Her gaze fell upon the electronic board announcing all the upcoming trains. For a moment she scanned it, searching for her train until she caught herself. With a little smile Jane gave a slight shake of her head. Of course the Hogwarts Express wouldn't be announced so blatantly. It never had been. She sought shelter behind an information booth and pulled out the document she had carried with her across two continents and an ocean. Jane unfolded the worn yellow parchment and wiped over the creases. She knew the content by heart, of course, yet she quickly scanned it again.

Dear Miss Sinclair,

I am happy to inform you that you have been selected to join the teaching staff at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry as Professor of Muggle Studies. Given the unfortunate events of late and the reorganization of the Ministry of Magic, it has been unanimously agreed upon to remedy the regrettable decision that resulted in your banishment from the Wizarding world thirteen years ago. Recent events have called for the revision of certain laws, and the Ministry has assured me that upon your arrival, you shall be awarded with full amnesty regarding your past.

Before his untimely demise, Professor Dumbledore had selected you specifically with the intent to offer you this position. As the newly appointed headmistress of Hogwarts, it pleases me to extend this offer to you now. Your considerable experiences in the Muggle world would be an invaluable addition to our curriculum. Furthermore, it was Professor Dumbledore's opinion that considering recent events involving He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, educating our students in the Muggle way of life is of vital importance if we want to save both our worlds. Allowances will be made for the fact that you were never given the opportunity to complete your education here at Hogwarts. Should you accept this position, we will provide you with the extra instruction you require to fully re-enter our world.

The Hogwarts Express leaves King's Cross, as always, from Platform 9 ¾ at 11 AM on September 1st.

Sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall, Headmistress

PS: My dear Miss Sinclair, I am sure this letter comes as a surprise, if not as a shock, to you. It took us a while to discover your whereabouts, especially since you changed your name following the whole debacle so many years ago. I remember you well, and I always thought it a shame that your outstanding academic achievements, excellent school records and unblemished character were not enough to vouch for you and sway the Wizengamot. I am delighted to offer you this position, and hope with all my heart that you will be able to overlook the past. To be frank, you are needed here, for reasons I cannot divulge just yet. You should know that there was another reason you were chosen by Professor Dumbledore, which I shall reveal to you in person, should you accept the post. If it is your wish to forgive us our trespasses against you, we would gladly welcome you in our midst once more.

MM

Jane sighed, tugging the letter back into her pocket. Yes, thirteen years were an awfully long time, especially when you were on your own. Many things could happen in thirteen years, but the past could never be erased; nor the bitterness or the loneliness. Blinking away the unbidden tears that suddenly had welled up, she looked up to scan the direction signs. Northbound trains left from platforms nine and ten. Well, she thought, that's a start. She grabbed hold of her suitcase and fought her way through the crowd. Eventually, she reached the wall dividing platforms nine and ten. Her hand stroked the rough brick wall beneath the Platform Nine sign. Thirteen years ago, the portal had been sealed, denying her access to the world she had been born into. She pressed her hand gently against the wall and felt it give way. Even though she had expected it, it startled her. Up until now, she had been plagued with doubts, wondering whether someone wasn't having a terrible joke at her cost, forcing her to spend her savings to travel to England. But, no, it was all real. She had been forgiven. She was finally going home.

Mindful of the people hurrying past her, she huddled against the wall, closed her eyes and quickly let herself be swallowed up. Jane never had understood why magical folk kept running into it – especially since the danger of discovery was so much greater that way. The sound of a whistle blowing and steam being forcefully released told her where she was even before she opened her eyes. The Hogwarts Express stood before her in all its colorful magnificence. Happiness surged through her and her heart skipped a beat at the wonderful sight. For years she had dreamed about coming back, but no dream or memory had prepared her for the vivid reality. She took in the scene before her. Children were being seen off by their parents. Some were exchanging hugs, others handshakes. First years clung to their mothers, not wanting to leave the safety of the arms around them, while older pupils were pretending indifference. Trunks and animals are being loaded into the train. All in all, the hustle and bustle presented a whimsical picture – had it not been for the number of cloaked men and women lurking behind luggage carts and in dark corners all along the platform. Aurors! Her mind recognized them from a distant memory. Jane briefly wondered what they all were doing here. It probably had something to do with the events Professor McGonagall referred to in her letter, she concluded, something about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. She frowned, trying to recall what she knew about him, the Dark Lord, but all she remembered was that he disappeared the night he killed the Potters sixteen years ago. Could he have come back?

The train whistle interrupted her ponderings. She checked the giant station clock and realized that it was time. She joined the remaining few students as they scrambled to board the train. As soon as the door slammed shut behind her, the train jerked into motion. Thanking her lucky stars that she managed not to leave any of her luggage behind in the rush, Jane slowly made her way along the cart looking for a child-free compartment. Most of the compartments were already filled with squealing pupils, while the occupants in others were in an unnaturally somber mood. Puzzled, she pushed on, while mentally compiling a list of questions she intended to ask the Headmistress. One other thing she noticed was that the number of students seemed to have considerably decreased since her years at Hogwarts.

She finally reached a compartment occupied by a lone adult passenger. Tired and unable to go any further, she breathed a sigh of relief and slid the door open. The man seemed to be asleep and she tried to be as quiet as possible, but to no avail. Her bags clattered noisily against the door as she entered and the man stirred slightly. Jane bit her lip, hoping she hadn't woken him, and quickly deposited her purse and carry-on on a nearby seat. She contemplated her suitcase with some misgivings, knowing that somehow she'd have to get it up onto luggage rack. She rubbed her already sore arms in a feeble attempt to rally any remaining strength. Taking a deep breath, she grabbed her suitcase and moved to heave it up. Unfortunately, just then thirty-six hours of sleep deprivation began to kick in and her arms gave out. She tried a second time, and a third, when the suitcase suddenly became weightless and floated neatly onto the rack. Moments later her carry-on settled gently down beside it.

Jane swirled around and found herself face-to-face with the man who'd been resting by the window. She presented him with a smile, which – although not brilliant – she hoped expressed her gratitude and relief.

"Thank you," she said heartily, pushing away her tiredness. "I've been traveling for over twenty-four hours, and…"

He tugged away his wand and returned her smile. "No need to apologize," he returned casually. "Glad I could help."

He indicated the seat across his and they both settled in. Sitting opposite each other, she had the chance to inspect her fellow traveler more closely. He was older than her, about ten to fifteen years, but still youthful despite the gray streaking through his brown hair. The lines on his scarred face spoke of a hard life and his eyes hinted of the countless things he'd seen – many of them unpleasant.

She pointed at his coat which was balled-up against the headrest. "I'm sorry if I woke you."

He just waved her off. "Don't worry. I can always rest when I get to Hogwarts."

This perked her up. "You are a professor there?"

"I am returning as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. My name is Remus Lupin, by the way."

She shook his proffered hand. "How do you do? I am Jane Sinclair." The name she had given herself thirteen years ago rolled smoothly over her tongue. Her real name was nothing but a distant memory, a secret, reminding her of her past life, of the person she once was. However, she would never be that person again. Too much had happened since then, too much that could never be rescinded.

"You will also be teaching?"

"Yes. Muggle Studies."

Lupin surprised her with his reaction. His eyebrows shot up and he straightened slightly. "You…," he choked out incredulously. "You are the new Muggle Studies teacher?"

She frowned. Somehow she felt that she should have gotten more information from McGonagall before accepting her offer. "Yes," she answered slowly. "Why?"

Lupin was still struggling to compose himself. "Oh, I just expected… um, well…" He was taking great pains to avoid her questioning eyes and his gaze fell upon her suitcase. "I should have realized…," he mumbled. "You didn't use magic to lift your suitcase onto the luggage rack."

She couldn't help but take offense. Inexplicably, she had hoped that upon her return to the Wizarding world, the identity she had cultured for the last thirteen years would allow her the luxury of anonymity and a chance for a new beginning. She should have known better. One could never leave the past behind – no matter how hard one tried. Her pride kicked in and her chin came up.

"I see my reputation precedes me," she said wryly.

Lupin's expression softened. "Please don't be offended. And you needn't worry. Not many people know of you and who you are. Only a select few were informed of your, er, past."

She looked more closely at the man sitting across from her. He sounded sincere enough. "I… see. And you are one of those select few?"

He nodded. He didn't seem very happy about it, though. "I am."

She settled back into her seat keeping her gaze steadily on him. "Maybe you can answer some questions for me, then?"

Concern spread over his features. He shifted uneasily in his seat. "I'd rather not tell you anything until we get to Hogwarts and you have had a chance to meet Minerva and the others. It's not that I don't want to help you," he assured her quickly. "You must have many questions, considering that you were completely cut off from our world for many years…"

"Thirteen," she supplied helpfully, a flash of satisfaction surging through her as she watched him cringe. Almost immediately, however, she regretted her spitefulness. This man had shown nothing but kindness towards her ever since they'd met. He had nothing to do with her past, so why was she punishing him?

"Thirteen, yes." He cleared his throat. "From what I understand of your circumstances, I can only imagine the hardships you must have encountered after your, um…"

"It's all right. You can say it," she encouraged him. "After my banishment."

"Yes, well…"

She shrugged. "It's the truth."

Lupin stared at her, incredulous. "You are not bitter?"

"About what I did? No. About what happened afterwards? Yes. I lost everything. And no amnesty can ever bring it back."

"I'm sorry." Again, Lupin sounded sincere.

"It wasn't your fault," she assured him. "I have learned to live with it. Some days it's just harder than others."

He nodded, as though he understood. As though he himself knew what it was like to be ostracized. She suddenly realized that she liked this man. He was a potential friend. Suddenly the compartment door was pulled open and a pretty young witch with bubblegum-pink hair squeezed inside.

"Wotcher, gorgeous." She grinned, plopping onto Lupin's lap. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him soundly on the mouth.

Slightly flushed and rather reluctant, Lupin extracted himself from the woman's passionate embrace and clearing his throat, drew her attention towards Jane.

"Oooh… Sorry." She giggled insincerely, making no attempt to remove herself from Lupin's lap. Instead she wriggled slightly, snuggling against Lupin.

Jane grinned. She liked the young woman at once. "I'm sorry," she said. "I barged in here without checking whether it would be alright. My only excuse is that I was tired and simply couldn't carry my bags any further."

The young witch frowned in confusion and threw a questioning glance at Lupin. "Dora," he said quietly. "This is Jane Sinclair, the new Muggle Studies teacher."

Dora's eyes grew round as she gave Jane a quick scrutiny, taking in her Muggle clothes. "Oooooh," she exhaled knowingly.

Jane smiled wryly. "I take it you also are one of the select few who know about me."

Dora slid off Lupin's lap and sat beside him. "I'm Nymphadora Tonks, but everybody calls me Tonks. Weeeell, everybody but Remus. And only because, well…"

Tonks turned beet-red and looked adoringly at the man sitting beside her.

"Dora is an Auror," Lupin threw in.

"I see." Jane didn't really, but she suddenly realized that she was too tired for serious talk and lengthy complicated explanations. For the first time in thirteen years, she decided to trust a person other than herself and believe Remus Lupin when he said that all her questions would be answered at Hogwarts.

---

As the Hogwarts Express pushed its way through the thick autumn fog, Jane settled back in her seat and fell into a relaxed conversation with Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks, who quickly opened up once they realized that she wouldn't push them any further for answers. Jane was surprised at how easily she herself came out of her shell and how intently they were listening to one of her travel anecdotes. She had just reached a particularly thrilling point in her story, when the compartment door opened and a matronly witch with a refreshment cart inquired cheerfully whether they were in need of a repast.

Tonks threw her a disgruntled stare. Her annoyance at being interrupted, however, quickly turned to one of shock.

"Oh no, is this the time already?" she exclaimed, shooting out of her seat. "I have to patrol. Don't finish the story until I get back."

She planted a quick kiss on Remus' lips and squeezed out into the corridor. Jane watched the young Auror disappear before turning her attention to the man across from her. Remus had also watched Tonks leave and his love for her was unmistakable. When he finally looked at her, his eyes were still shining with unabashed admiration. Jane felt a pang of jealousy squeezing her heart. Not once in her twenty-nine years had anyone – not even her parents – looked at her that way. As though she was loved, as though she mattered. She quickly blinked away the tears that threatened to well up. She had learned early on to hide her feelings, to build a wall, to wear a mask. To pretend not to feel. With some effort, Jane grinned at Remus.

"I like her," she said sincerely. "She's refreshingly frank."

Remus nodded proudly. "That's my Dora. There isn't a false bone in her. She tells it how it is." He grimaced slightly, thinking back. "She often puts her foot in her mouth, though."

"She's an original. Not many people dare to be so open. Not many can afford to."

He nodded again, in agreement. "Especially nowadays, given…" He caught himself quickly.

"Look, Professor Lupin." Jane met his gaze levelly. "I may be ignorant of what has transpired in recent years, but I am no fool. Nor am I blind. I've seen the Aurors at King's Cross. Given Tonks' presence, I assume they are also on the train. Now, the only reason I can think of why a bunch of Aurors should bother with a train full of students is that they are here for protection…"

Remus opened his mouth to interrupt her, but she raised a hand to silence him. "Please, let me finish."

He nodded in acquiescence.

"I will not ask you any questions at this point," Jane continued, purposefully ignoring his sigh of relief, "but only because I am too tired to think clearly. Besides, I don't believe that you know the precise reason I have been asked to return."

Lupin cleared his throat. "That is correct, Miss Sinclair…"

"Jane," she corrected him.

"Jane." He nodded. "All I know is that Dumbledore thought you were important."

"But Dumbledore is dead now. He didn't die of natural causes, did he?"

The man sitting across from her deliberated for a moment before giving his answer. A shadow crossed his face, warning Jane that what he would tell her would not be pretty.

"Death Eaters attacked Hogwarts last term. There was a battle…" Remus broke off, his Adam's apple jerking convulsively.

Jane gently brought her hand down on his. "That's all right. You don't have to tell me more. I don't want you to relive this tragedy."

He looked at her gratefully. "I have been in more fights than I care to remember, but this one was the most gruesome… yet. Many innocents were hurt."

Jane squeezed his fingers comfortingly before drawing back. "The memories are always more painful than the actual event."

Remus looked at her, surprised at her insight and grateful for her understanding. But then he recalled her past and knew she spoke from experience.

"That they are," he agreed.

They didn't speak for several minutes, each lost in their own thoughts.

"Well…" Jane finally broke the silence. "All this at least answers one of my questions."

Remus looked up, questioningly.

"When I was at Hogwarts, the train was never this empty."

"Yes," he said, "I had hoped it wouldn't come to it. But after what has happened I can't blame any of the parents for being afraid. I believe some will escort their children personally to the school, but I fear that still many won't have allowed their children to return."

"So, the Dark Lord has returned. I was wondering about that." Jane noticed Remus' inquiring glance and explained. "Something Professor McGonagall mentioned in her letter to me."

"Your parents were supporters?"

Jane wrinkled her nose, thinking back. "They were worse. They were indifferent. We never talked about anything unpleasant. One simply did not do that. It wasn't seemly. Keeping up appearances at any cost. My parents always believed that actions should be left to those who didn't have anything better to do or those who had nothing to lose. That was why my, uh, behavior, had been such a shock to them. They considered it quite heretical."

"I'm sorry," the man whom she'd known for only a few hours said.

Her eyes met his and his sympathy was almost her undoing. She slowly shook her head, wiping the memories of hurt and disappointment from her mind.

"It's all in the past," she told him decidedly.

"That's the attitude." He smiled again. "We have to look to the future, not wallow in the past."

"Yes…" Jane sighed. "Which brings us back to why I have been summoned back to Hogwarts under full amnesty."

"Yes."

"Will I be auditing your class?"

"Pardon me?"

"Professor McGonagall implied that I could finish my own education at Hogwarts, considering that I, uh, left school before finishing my sixth year."

Remus frowned briefly. "I believe you are to receive private instruction after hours and on weekends."

"Yes, I see." Jane nodded. "It would be difficult for me to assert my authority and demand respect from my students, if I am taking classes with them."

"Indeed, it would be somewhat awkward."

"Besides, I have no idea if I can still do magic. I haven't used it in thirteen years." Jane gave a small laugh. "I'd hate to start all over again as a first year. I couldn't stand having to repeat six years of Potions with Professor Snape."

Again, a shadow passed over Remus' face. He tugged uncomfortably at his collar and cleared his throat.

"Professor Snape, uh, no longer, erm, teaches at Hogwarts," he finally informed her.

His strange reaction didn't go unnoticed, but Jane decided to ignore it for now.

"That's a relief." She smiled. "He was terrifying. I suppose I should be grateful to him, though. My fear of him and his foul temper motivated me into studying. I lived in constant terror that he would ask me something in class and I wouldn't know the answer. I would have never reached N.E.W.T. level without him."

Remus noticed her smile becoming whimsical, her voice more wistful. "You know," Jane continued, "despite my fear of him, my years at Hogwarts were the happiest in my life. I felt valued here."

"And you shall be again," he assured her. "I am certain of it."

"That is my hope. It's the reason I accepted the post. I no longer care about revenge or vindication. I just wanted to come back to where I once was happy."

"I understand," Remus told her. "I also spent some of my happiest times at Hogwarts – among my friends."

"It would be nice to have a friend there," Jane admitted quietly, not quite meeting his gaze.

"And you shall," he informed her firmly, extending his hand. "Let me be the first of many."

Jane looked at the proffered hand and almost burst into tears. Fighting down the tears, she reverently put her hand in his and shook it, sealing the deal.

"My, my, my!" A voice from the door startled them. "I leave you two alone for less than an hour and you're already conspiring."

Tonks grinned good-naturedly as she moved to Remus' side once more. His arm automatically sneaked around her shoulders, drawing her against him.

"Dora," he informed her, "Jane and I have decided to become friends. And she likes you, too."

Tonks gave a giddy little squeal. "She does?"

Jane grinned. One couldn't not like Tonks. She was exuberant, brimming with life – it was infectious.

"Many people think I'm too much too take," Tonks offered. "I'm lucky Remus is such a patient man."

"There can never be too much of a good thing," Jane assured her. Tonks squealed again.

"Hear, hear," Remus agreed, squeezing her shoulder.

"Will you tell me the rest of the story now," Tonks pleaded.

Jane didn't have the heart to deny her.