A/N: This…was just for fun. Please don't take it seriously. I needed to get my Wally juices flowing before I wrote anymore of Cosplay 2…and this was born. I got the idea from My Hopeless Romantic's '50 Reasons Why I Hate Mikan Sakura' buuut it's very different. At least I hope so, I haven't read that fanfic in years (and I would've asked MHR's permission to use the same idea but she's retired from FF. net and I had no idea how to hunt her down sooo…).
Ah, I got it up for Valentine's! I'm very pleased about this. Well, it's almost midnight but I just made it!
Anyway, please enjoy!
Disclaimer: I asked Greg for the rights but sadly he declined.
25 Reasons to Hate Artemis Crock
By JustJanelle
Robin says this list will help me sort out my 'feelings' for Artemis. He told me to write down things that I like about her—Ha. Ha-ha-ha, seriously? What could there possibly be to like about Artemis? She's—well, she's…Artemis. So, I've decided to twist the assignment a bit. I'm writing down everything that I hate about Artemis. There. I'm sure this will be loads more help to me and it will also be a much longer list than if I had to pull things that I like about her out of my ass.
Okay, here it goes. I'll start at the end.
Reason 25: I hate her hair. I mean, for obvious reasons. First of all it is blonde, which I'm almost positive isn't her natural color—she is half-Vietnamese, at least I think she is, she looks half-Vietnamese. So if that is the case then the alleles for black hair should have been dominant. Dominant dammit! Which means that her hair should be black, even if the blonde does look goo- Terrible. It looks terrible on her. Second of all it's so damn long. I didn't even know it was humanly possible to grow your hair that long—actually that makes sense: Artemis isn't human. Wow, that explains a lot.
Reason 24: I hate the way she smells. It's so disgusting when I have to spar with her and every time she kicks my ass—not that that happens often or anything—I am overwhelmed by her scent. It is not even a good scent. She smells like trees, especially like pine trees and oaks, which doesn't even make sense because she lives in the city. I mean it fits her personality and everything but other than that... It's like she rubs pine needles on herself—or like her shampoo is pine needle scented which is so weird. I mean, who uses pine needle shampoo? That's so gross. The grossest thing about it is that I can't even open my oak chest of drawers to get out some underwear without thinking about her. Damn that Artemis.
Reason 23: I hate her skin. It's just so sof- pasty looking, and tan. If she tans too much then her skin is going to get all wrinkled and leathery and she's going to get cancer. Not that I care or anything—if she gets cancer. She can get cancer all she wants. It's just not healthy. Not that I care if she's not healthy.
Reason 22: I especially hate her eyes. Mostly because they're like three different colors! Okay, maybe that's exaggerating a bit, but I swear to God, sometimes I look at her in the light and her eyes are soft and blue and happy and then I catch her in a bad mood or in the shadows and they've turned steely gray. It's almost like her emotions are painted all over her face. I can always tell when she's happy or when she's mad or when she's just incredibly amused by something stupid that I've done. Sometimes I get lost in her eyes- No, wait, I don't mean lost like lost, not like lost figuratively as if they're mesmerizing or anything. I mean lost like- literally because they're so confusing. Yeah.
Reason 21: I really hate her laugh, because she's always laughing at me. Okay, so she does occasionally laugh when talking about girl stuff with Megan or when she's doing homework with Rob or just about anytime Kaldur tries to crack a joke but mostly she's laughing at me. She laughs at the way I walk, the way I eat, the way I hit on Megan. She even laughed the first time I met her, well sort of, I mean, I did trip and fall in to the room but she didn't need to be so snarky about it. Ever heard of starting off on the wrong foot? Although I have a strange feeling that any foot I start on with Artemis would be wrong. Anyway, back to her laugh. It is snarky and I hate it. So there.
Reason 20: I hate her abs. No girl should have abs that toned, not that I would be complaining if she wasn't so damn proud of them. She's always wearing low cut shirts like she wants everyone to see her stomach and everyone does. I can't go anywhere with her, not that I do go anywhere with her, without people staring and they're mostly guys. It's like she needs attention. Jeesh. If I had abs that sexy- GROSS, I would keep them to myself, because that's just the kind of humble, mature guy that I am.
Reason 19: I hate her attitude. If Kent Nelson was right about one thing it's that she is a spitfire—not my spitfire that's for goddamn sure, but a spitfire nonetheless. Nothing gets past her. She's just so serious and snarky and pompous about everything she does. She thinks she's the goddamn goddess of archery, albeit she is named after the goddess of archery but that doesn't mean she has to be so snarky about it.
Reason 18: I hate her sense of humor. Mostly because she thinks the most un-amusing things are funny. She laughs at the way I eat, the way I dress, the way I walk (well, mostly the way I trip—not that that happens often or anything), even the way I flirt. I'll admit, I'm not the best flirter but I am charming—that's for goddamn sure—and she doesn't need to be so mean just because she's jealous of how much M'Gann is infatuated with me. Oooh, that's interesting. Arty's jealous? Never thought of it that way before. I'll have to save that little realization for later. It's good blackmail material.
Reason 17: I hate the way she teases me. Need I explain this one? I mean, I kind of already explained it with her sense of humor and her snarky laugh but I guess I'll delve a little further here. Teasing is different because when a girl teases a guy it's supposed to be flirtatious and alluring, almost like reverse psychology. But with Artemis everything is serious. If she teases me about my clothes she's not doing it because she secretly wants to make-out with me, she's doing it because she thinks my shirt is an awful color. As you can imagine this does not please me, especially when I spend at least ten minutes picking out a t-shirt from the clean clothes pile on my bedroom floor. She could show a little consideration.
Reason 16: I hate how athletic she is. It's not like I'm jealous or anything but, I'll admit, she's certainly better at hand to hand combat than I am. I doubt I could fight that well even if I started training as a little kid. I mean, did you see her kick Poison Ivy in the face? She knocked her right in to Count Vertigo! I never could have done that without my powers and that was even after she lost her bow. I guess I just hate that she tries so hard to be a superhero when all I had to do was get in to a tiny lab accident and everything came so easy for me. Yeah…maybe I feel a little respect for her, just a little.
Reason 15: I hate how she has no powers. It's a fact that she constantly rubs in my face—especially after the Red Tornadoes incident she just loves to point out how even without superpowers she managed to handle herself. If you ask me she was just lucky. I mean—the simple fact that she doesn't have superpowers makes her more vulnerable during missions than the rest of us (and Robin doesn't count because he's…Robin) and this puts her in more danger. She can't run fast, or fly, or lift really heavy things. All she can do is shoot arrows and kick ass, and while that is all incredibly impressive one might be worried for her safety when she's gallivanting around with only a few measly arrows to protect herself. Yes, one might worry a lot.
Reason 14: I hate her secrets. She never tells me anything. Not that I particularly care if she tells me about herself it's just so…so…suspicious. Yeah, that's it—suspicious. How are we supposed to trust her if she can't trust us?
Reason 13: I hate the way I'm allergic to her very existence. No seriously, I kid you not. Whenever she's around I get this weird fluttery feeling in my stomach and my heartbeat increases. Along with those horrifying symptoms my hands start to feel sweaty and my mouth gets dry and-get this: I lose my appetite. Can you believe it? I told you it was bad. I've never lost my appetite in my entire life. She must be emitting some kind of plague that slowly infects other humans and I'm the only one reacting because my metabolism is faster than the rest of the teams! I'll have to remember to tell Robin later. I knew she was up to no good.
Reason 12: I hate how oblivious she is. I mean, guys clearly stare at her when she's running around in midriff bearing shirts, but does she notice? No. Then she goes around acting all high mighty about every goddamn thing she does and still manages to be insecure about herself—and don't tell me she isn't because I can tell. She scrunches up her nose and practically goes cross-eyed from trying to divert her eye contact when she's feeling insecure. Not that I noticed this myself—Robin told me. You know how sneaky that kid is…Ahem, where were we?
Reason 11: I hate how reckless she is. She just jumps in to things all the time without thinking them through. I know that I do that, but I'm a speedster. What you call reckless speedster's call well-thought-out. Our brains are like on a totally faster thought pattern than normal humans. She can't afford to jump in to things. What if she was hurt? Not that I would care but Robin would be very distraught if anything happened to her, heavy on the 'dis'.
Reason 10: I hate how she took Roy's place on the team. Roy is like, one of my best friends. I've known him for almost two years! Therefore this statement is obligatory to his friendship. It's part of the Bro Code. Bros always come before Artemis'.
Reason 9: I hate how she believes in magic. Magic does not exist! There's no such thing. Nip, nada, zilch, nix—and yet she manages to rub her copy of 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows' in my face every damn chance she gets. AND she constantly reminds me of Kent Nelson and the Helmet of Fate as if the fact that I was bioscripted in to becoming Doctor Fate for, like, ten minutes undeniably proves the existence of a mystical energy force. I mean, jeesh, I tried bleaching that entire experience from my memory, especially the whole part about Mr. Nelson and 'spitfires', but she just won't let me forget it. Man, I hate her so much…
Reason 8: I hate how she thinks Superboy is hot. I bet she doesn't realize that when she made that comment about him, during her first mission on the team, we could all hear her. Yup, she just had to make an intentionally flirtatious comment about Superboy in front of the whole team. I mean- that isn't even the correct way to flirt! She should take pointers on my techniques. They've proven to be quite useful in my pursuit of Megan, but then again...I don't really want her flirting with other guys- Not because I care if she flirts with guys, of course, but because that's my thing! Yup, flirting is my thing. She should learn boundaries. Jeesh.
Reason 7: I hate how she can kick my ass in training. To be fair she would never win in a real fight. I just go easy on her—every time we train. Yeah.
Reason 6: I hate how smart she is. That one time we went on the mission to find Kent Nelson? I will admit I was quite taken aback by her extensive knowledge of phase-shifting and pocket dimensions. And during the Red Fiasco? I was surprised that she actually knew what an EMP emitter was let alone how one worked. But lately her intelligence has become one of her favorite taunting methods. She just loooves rubbing it in my face that she can speak four languages and I only know English… Yes, four! What human being speaks four languages at the age of fifteen? That's just not normal, but then again Artemis isn't normal. So I guess it fits.
Reason 5: I hate her smile. It's just sooo...happy. Is that even a good way to explain it? No, of course not, because Artemis never likes making things easy for me. Let's try this again. I hate her smile because it's so…so…authentic. She hardly ever smiles, unlike Megan and so many other girls at my school, so I guess it's appropriate to say that on the rare moments when she deigns it appropriate to smile it just seems so genuine. Smirking, gloating and teasing grins do not count. I'm talking about a real smile. If you've seen Artemis genuinely smile I can guarantee you that you've witnessed a miracle.
Reason 4: I hate how close we became in Bialya. That just shows me that if things had been different… If I had been nicer to her… If she hadn't been so damn snarky… Maybe our relationship could be a little nicer. Maybe instead of wanting to throttle each other so much, we could be friends. That's what I hate about it. Bialya brought up all of these 'what ifs' and 'maybes' and there is just not enough time in life to worry about those kinds of things. It's done. It's happened. There's nothing I can do to change it anymore. That's probably what I hate about it the most.
Reason 3: I hated it when she died during the training exercise. I'll admit, seeing Artemis die right in front of my eyes… It felt like someone had torn my heart out and stamped on it. I'm supposed to be the fastest boy in the world and yet all I could was stand there and watch her die. I know it wasn't real, but what if it was? It's not like I wasn't equally upset about Kaldur dying or Superboy but there was nothing I could do to save them. I could have saved Artemis, maybe that's why I wanted so desperately for her to be alive. Just to know that I hadn't failed her.
Reason 2: I hate that she hates me. She does. It's not like she's ever said it or anything but I can tell. I'm good at reading girl's like that. Megan loves me, Artemis hates me and while I should be thrilled about the former I still find myself caught up over the latter. It's just so unfair that we don't get along because we have the potential to. She's not like other girls and she's fun to hang out with and she can kick my ass and she has no qualms about calling me out on my shit and I like that about her. I admit, though never to her of course, I like that about Artemis.
Reason 1: I hate that I don't hate her at all. Oh God. I guess, Robin—the protégé of the world's greatest detective detected something that I just couldn't see after all…reading back over these 'reasons' I can see now that I definitely like that snarky blonde archer more than I should. I'm kind of still in denial over the fact that she's not as nasty as I originally presumed, but she's gorgeous and sexy and her hair is so damn long and she's always teasing me and kicking my ass and speaking in four different languages just to annoy the hell out of me and I lo- NO. Not going there. That is a list for another day. But I guess I can amend my original statement by saying that this isn't a list of things that I hate about Artemis. Rather, a list of things that I li- Don't Mind about her. Yup, that's right. I don't mind Artemis and if you ask me that is a goddamn miracle in itself.
(About Artemis speaking four languages: She speaks French fluently in the comics. Her mother is Vietnamese (from Vietnam) so I'm assuming she is fluent. Greg Weisman said in a Q&A that her best subject in school is Spanish so I'm assuming she's close to fluent. And, uh, English obviously.)
Uh, yeah, sooo please review? I'll be your best friend forever. :3
