What Lies Beneath [Breaking Benjamin]
Here we go
Does it hurt
Say goodbye
To this world
I will not
Be undone
Come to life
It gets worse
All in all
You're no good
You don't cry
Like you should
I'll be gone
When you fall
Your sad life
Says it all
So I'll find what lies beneath
Your sick twisted smile
As I lay underneath
Your cold jaded eyes
Now you turn the tide on me
'Cause you're so unkind
I will…
So I'll find what lies beneath
Your sick twisted smile
As I lay underneath
Your cold jaded eyes
Now you turn the tide on me
'Cause you're so unkind
I will always be here
For the rest of my life
Don't carry me under
You're the Devil in disguise
God sing for the hopeless
I'm the one you left behind
So I'll find what lies beneath
Your sick twisted smile
As I lay underneath
Your cold jaded eyed
Now you turn the tide on me
'Cause you're so unkind
I will always be here
For the rest of my life
Chapter 1
Tris' POV
Today is the Choosing Ceremony. Since yesterday I have been a tangled mess of thoughts and emotions. I have three choices before me. In reality I don't and never really have had a choice. I think I have always known where I was going to go it is just so hard to think about losing everyone I love when I do.
Especially last night after dinner when the subject had turned to our Senior Leader Marcus Eaton. Two years ago his son defected to another faction. Almost all of our faction sees anyone leaving the faction as a betrayal. For a leader's child to do so is almost even more unforgivable.
Hearing my father's tone and how close to hateful it sounded when Tobias Eaton was mentioned, it had hurt to know that soon he would think of me that way too.
We take the bus to get to the Choosing Ceremony. It is full of people in gray shirts and gray slacks. I hate the slow meandering of the bus. I have always hated it and the rough roads that cause everyone to jostle and jerk against each other.
I hate when I have to give my seat up and stand, making the ride even worse for me. This is just one of the millions of reasons that I know I could never stay in Abnegation no matter how much I want to be with my family.
I follow my parents off the bus. Caleb seems calm, but so would I, if I knew what I was going to do and that it wouldn't be killing those I love. The elevator is crowded so my father volunteers to give a cluster of Amity our place. I follow as we climb the stairs but the entire time I am wondering why they couldn't take the stairs when they are so much more used to walking, climbing and labor in general, than we are.
I don't mind the climb. I don't mind the activity. What I mind is the fact that because others might be inconvenienced to have to wait, how dreadful for them, I have to be inconvenienced.
I must have given a huff or sigh out loud because Caleb shot me his disapproving look as we continued to climb the stairs. My father holds the door open on the twentieth floor and stands like a sentry as every Abnegation walks past him. Most are winded and panting even though they try to hide it. I try to act like I am winded and panting, another marker in my mind that I do not belong.
When I can, when I can not be caught and scolded, I run. I climb. I break free into sprints for as long and far as I can. As I do, I imagine myself running after the train just like the Dauntless. I imagine myself reaching out and grabbing onto the car door then letting it whip me along to a new home and new life.
She said that I should think on my choice, the Dauntless that told me what I am is dangerous. I have thought on it my entire life. Every time I was scolded for not being able to just be selfless without thought. Every time I watched the Dauntless jump on or off the train. Every time I saw them in the cafeteria at school, I have thought about it.
I know what my choice is. I just wonder how much I will feel like I have lost part of myself when I do it.
The room is arranged in concentric circles. On the edges stand the eighteen-year-olds of every faction. We are not called members yet; our decisions today will make us initiates, and we will become members if we complete initiation.
We arrange ourselves in alphabetical order; according to the last names we may leave behind today. I stand between Caleb and Danielle Pohler, an Amity girl with rosy cheeks and a yellow dress.
Rows of chairs for our families make up the next circle. They are arranged in five sections, according to faction. Not everyone in each faction comes to the Choosing Ceremony, but enough of them come that the crowd is huge.
I watch as the faction that will be conducting the ceremony this year moves to ready the bowls that represent each faction into place, readying the last minute details. This year is Abnegation and our Senior Leader Marcus Eaton will be give the opening speech then call each dependent to the center where we will choose our fate.
My eyes move over the bowls and take in the position of each in relation to the other. I can see now, when I break down my actions and thoughts, where my Erudite comes into play. I had never thought of it as Erudite. I really just thought I had more common sense then most.
Each bowl has a substance that represents it in the bowl. Gray stones for Abnegation, water for Erudite, earth for Amity, lit coals for Dauntless, and glass for Candor.
When Marcus calls my name, I will walk to the center of the three circles. I will not speak. He will offer me a knife. I will cut into my hand and sprinkle my blood into the bowl of the faction I choose.
Before my parents sit down, they stand in front of Caleb and me. My father kisses my forehead and claps Caleb on the shoulder, grinning.
"See you soon," he says. Without a trace of doubt.
My mother hugs me, and the pain I knew I would feel starts to bloom in my chest. I clench my jaw and stare up at the ceiling, where globe lanterns hang and fill the room with blue light. She holds me for what feels like a long time, even after I let my hands fall. Before she pulls away, she turns her head and whispers in my ear, "I love you. No matter what. Be brave Beatrice. You are my daughter after all."
My forehead furrows and I feel myself frown. She pulls away and I see her nod once, knowing I must be making assumptions. Can she feel my frown as she walks away? Did she really just tell me not only to choose Dauntless….but that she was from Dauntless? She must know or she wouldn't have felt the need to tell me that. Then again it wasn't hard for my family to know. I had never been good at playing the daughter of sacrifice.
Caleb grabs my hand, squeezing my palm so tightly it hurts, but I don't let go. The last time we held hands was at my uncle's funeral, as my father cried and the Erudite around us looked on in unemotional masks. Caleb and I need each other's strength right now, just as we did then.
The room slowly comes to order. I should be observing the Dauntless; I should be taking in as much information as I can. I can only stare at the lanterns across the room. I lose myself in the blue glow and listen to my breathing. I don't know how I do this but I have always been able to. I center myself and push all the nerves and doubts out of my mind. When I have done this, I feel my heart steady and my breathing even out.
Caleb looks at me and raises an eyebrow but he doesn't say anything. He never does when I do this but I can see this is something he envies about me. Internally I have always reveled when he has shown envy for something I do when there is so much I have always envied about him.
I tune out the speech that Marcus launches into. I squeeze Caleb's hand back when he squeezes mine. I let my eyes roam around the room and take things in. All the while looking at the people and wonder how many will go home without their children on this day? How many will go home and start to erase them from their minds and hearts?
I think of the motto I read in my Faction History textbook: Faction before blood. More than any family, our factions are where we belong. Can that possibly be right though? When a Dauntless boy lets his blood fall into the bowl of glass and not the coals my breath catches. The first transfer to another faction.
Dauntless will see him as a traitor from now on. His Dauntless family will have the option of visiting him in his new home in his new faction, a week and a half from now on Visiting Day, but they won't because he left them. His absence will haunt their hallways and will be a space they can't fill.
That is what kills me the most about my leaving. There will be that hole in my heart that once held my family and the one in theirs that once held me.
One by one, each dependent steps out of line and walks to the middle of the room. The room is constantly moving, a new name and a new person choosing, a new knife and a new choice. I recognize most of them, but I doubt they know me.
I see an Erudite girl that I am friendly with. A surprise to me when she helped me last year after a Candor boy had purposely tripped me in the hallway at school. I had fell hard enough that my wrist was sprained and I hadn't been able to contain the cry of surprise that escaped me.
The cry of surprise when a whirl of blue had set upon the boy and shoved him to the ground, face first but made him face me so his eyes were locked onto mine.
"Apologize now Candor or I will rip your damn arm out of it's socket." I had looked up to her, expecting to see a face full of fury considering the words. But her tone and face were devoid of emotion or rage. They were calm but they reminded me of the eye of a storm. A whirling amber and gold hurricane with flecks of green, where all around her was chaos but her center was nothing but calm.
The boy, one I recognized as a troublemaker at school, had apologized. But I had a feeling by his wincing it had taken some pressure from the girl. Before she let him up she had met my eyes and winked before she hauled him up then kicked his ass, literally, on his way.
He had thrown a scowl to her over his shoulder but it disappeared quickly when she gave him the most wicked smile I had ever seen. It transformed her heart shaped, angelic face into something feral and even more beautiful.
That was only topped when she had looked down at me and then turned a real, dimpled and friendly smile on me. She leaned down and held my eyes.
"Can I look at it?" Her voice was soft and not condescending at all as she asked for permission to look at my wrist. The one that I hadn't realized I was holding gingerly.
I looked around, the hallway had nearly emptied even though there were several minutes left before the next class. I gave her a small smile and nodded. I had never had the issues with touch as others of my faction did. Our parents had been affectionate with us and my brother and I had been as well when we were younger.
She took my wrist in her hands and moved it slightly. I noticed that her hands were rough and calloused. I remembered the way she had handled the Candor and I knew that she wouldn't be staying in Erudite.
"Giana Pearle," was called and my eyes followed her eagerly.
I had found out over the last year or two that she was top of her class in Erudite. She was also considered something of a social pariah because of her temper and the fact that she was so unpredictable. I had my theories about that and her. But I hadn't been able to spend more than a little time here or there when she always somehow showed up in my stolen moments of running.
There was whispering from the Erudite section as she walked. I couldn't tell if it was in expectation of her leaving or if it was apprehension.
I got my answer when she marched straight for the Dauntless bowl and never hesitated as she let her blood fall into the coals. There were several cries of disbelief and outrage coming from Erudite. My eyes found the strongest among them but I was transfixed by the cold and menacing glare I saw coming from Jeanine Matthews. I felt a shiver run down my spine at this rare and unheard of show of emotion from the Erudite leader. It was quickly gone as if it had never existed.
Apparently she hadn't expected Gia to defect and she was less than pleased about it.
I am soon pulled out of any more reflections because finally it is Caleb being called.
"Caleb Prior," says Marcus.
Caleb squeezes my hand one last time, and as he walks away, casts a look at me over his shoulder. I think I know in that instant that Caleb will not be going home with our parents tonight either.
I missed the signs because I could only think of myself, but I think I always knew this about him too. When he holds his hand over the Erudite bowl his blood drips into the water and it is fascinating to watch it turn a deeper shade of red.
I hear mutters that lift into outraged cries. All but for in the Erudite section, where they wear smug smiles and nudge each other. The Abnegation, normally so placid, speak to one another in tense whispers and glare across the room at the faction that has become our enemy.
"Excuse me," says Marcus, but the crowd doesn't hear him. He shouts, "Quiet, please!"
The room goes silent but my eyes narrow because for a moment I had seen something in his eyes. Something that made me feel like I was seeing behind a mask. The words of my father last night come to mind but I have no time to think over them. My name is being called.
This has shaken me up. The pain I know I will cause and then knowing that losing Caleb will make it double. My life, should I choose to stay in Abnegation, flashes before my eyes. I shudder in revulsion at it and I know I am not selfless enough to do it.
I set my jaw. I cannot be the child that stays for her parents. No matter how I wish I could, in the end I would only suffer and they would too. Because I would forever be a disappointment for them. I never fit in before and making that choice for them wouldn't make it any better.
Marcus offers me my knife. I look into his eyes, a dark blue color that look odd on him. I take the knife as he nods to me and I turn towards the bowls.
Dauntless fire and Abnegation stones are both on my left, one in front of my shoulder and one behind. I hold the knife in my right hand and touch the blade to my palm. Gritting my teeth in determination and against the pain I drag the blade down. It stings but I realize not nearly as bad as I thought it would. I hold both hands to my chest and let out a long slow breath.
I open my arms and thrust my arm out. My blood drips into the bowl of the lit coals, sizzling.
I am selfish and I am brave. I will be going home and to the only one I ever really contemplated.
