DISNEY'S TWELFTH NIGHT

Based upon the universally-acclaimed play written by William Shakespeare and with characters from the disney-universe taking the roles, comes a parody based upon truth and silliness all at the same time.

CAST:

Della Duck as Viola

Donald Duck as Sebastian

Stitch as Captain (from scene 1)

Gladstone Glander as Duke Orsino

Kronk (Emperor's New Groove) as Curio

Taran (The Black Caldroun) as Valentin

Lady Kluck (Robin Hood) as Mary

Uncle Waldo (The Aristocats) as Sir Toby Belch

Gideon (Pinnochio) as Sir Andrew Augecheek

Daisy Duck as Olivia

Edgar (The Aristocats) as Malvolio

John Silver (Treasure Planet) as Antonio

Robin Hood as Fester

LeFou (Beauty and the Beast) as Fabian

Friar Tuck (Robin Hood) as the priest

Wiggins (Pocahontas) as a servant of Olivia

ACT ONE

SCENE 1

One day, a terrible storm descends upon the sea. It is terrefying and most people lose their lives. However, a young woman with the assistance of a brave and kind-hearted captain manages to make it alive out of the storm. They arrive on the shores of a mysterious country. The woman is a young duck named Della and her saviour is a blue-furred alien called Stitch.

Della: What is the name of this nation?

Stitch: This land is called Illyria, milady.

Della: Illyria! But my brother is in Elysium! Oh no, that terrible storm must have seperated us from each other!

Stitch: Yes I am afraid so. Things so terrible as that can happen! Many people before us have perished in these storms before. The last time was nearly five years ago. It was only a miracle that we survived!

Della: Mr Stitch! For helping me survive this disaster, I am eternally grateful to you. Here, take this gold, you deserve it!

Stitch: I am humbled, milady! I will accept it with gratitude!

Della: Not to be rude, but do you possess any knowledge about this country?

Stitch: Certainly! I was born and raised here….well except for the fact that my father was a psycopathic scientist, of course!

Della: Who rules this country?

Stitch: A duke, known for his idyllic sins and love for music. But he can also be an arrogant and selfish jerk sometimes!

Della: What's his name?

Stitch: His name is Gladstone Glander, milady!

Della: Gladstone? I have heard about him. My father always told me a lot about him. He was unmarried at that time.

Stitch: And he still is! For the last few years, Gladstone has desperatley sought to find the perfect duchess for him. In these days, he always tries gain the affections of a serene countess in Illyria.

Della: Who is she?

Stitch: She is a countess called Daisy. Her father was a rich count, but he passed away due to an illness. Not so long ago, her older brother did it as well. She has been constantly mourning her brother's death for many months now.

Della: I see. Perhaps I need to find out more. I am going to Gladstone's court. I dress up a man I order to work as a messenger for the duke. Once inside, I will find out a solution to this Gladstone's problems.

Stitch: But milady! Disguising yourself as a man while serving the duke won't be an easy task! Every messenger the duke has sent to the countess have all been turned down!

Della: I beg of you, Mr Stitch! Please keep your mouth silenced about who I am. Right now, this is the only way I know to survive. Keep this secret between us and you shall be rewarded handsomely!

Stitch: Well….I just hope you know what you are doing. Very well! I got my mouth zipped, so you can trust me, honest!

Della: Thank you, sir! Lead the way, then!

And so Stitch showed Della the way to the nearest town in Illyria. The big question was: how was Della going to survive this, having been seperated from her brother in the storm? She only hoped that the duke would give her shelter and a place to sleep.

SCENE 2

In the palace gardens belonging to the duke of Illyria, Gladstone Glander walks around the clean area while trying to enjoy the beautiful day. Not so far from him, a choir is singing so wondrous that it would make every person cry. The duke listens to the music with joy.

Gladstone: Ah! Music! Yes! Play more, play louder! That melody pierces through my heart like an arrow! It melts my thoughts!

Choir: FOR UNTO US A CHILD IS BORN! FOR UNTO US A CHILD IS BORN!

Gladstone: It already floats in the air! The melody that speaks of endless serenity and shining beauty in a world filled with idyllic fields. I imagine myself walking among the fields of gold while the sun in its jealous sky shines upon me! My grace is undeniable!

Choir: UNTO US A SON IS GIVEN! UNTO US A SON IS GIVEN! AND THE GOD THE GRACEFUL….

Gladstone: No! No, no stop it! I said stop it! It is no longer so lively! Oh love, you are so fast and speedy! Why are you so impossible in the eyes of mankind? Such a pity!

Kronk: Do you want to go hunting, milord? I mean….if you're up for it, of course.

Gladstone: What type of beast should I chase, Kronk?

Kronk: Uhhhhh….how about deer?

Gladstone: But I am already doing that! What else do you expect from me!? Oh, the first time I saw Daisy it was like the whole air was cured of illness!

Kronk: Right…oh hey here comes Taran! Maybe he has something to say!

Gladstone: Any news from her, Taran?

Taran: M-Milord! Please f-forgive me, but the duchess's guards would not allow me passage! They said she needed her time alone, because her moruning of her brother's death would last more than seven years!

Gladstone: A heart so young, yet so imprisoned by sorrow! How long will it take for her to notice me?

Taran: I d-do not know the answer, s-sir!

Gladstone: Very well! Taran! Kronk! Join me in the garden and we shall all cleanse our bitterness by its lush life! And while we do that, stop talking with ther squirrels here!

Kronk and Taran: Yes, your Highness!

The duke and his close servants then continued wandering through the verdent garden, hoping it would ease Gladstone's disappointment.

SCENE 3

Inside Duchess Daisy's palace, many servants and close relatives of Daisy make their homes there. In the kitchen, we see a sober goose walking around accompanied by a hen dressed in a chambermaid's clothes. The goose is Daisy's charming, but miserable uncle: Waldo or Waldo Belch as he is sometimes called. The hen following him is called Kluck. She and Waldo has somewhat a difficult, yet funny relationship.

Waldo: Why must my niece take so much sorrow of her brother's death!? My life's greatest enemy is none other than the sorrow itself! Hic!

Kluck: You must come home earlier, Sir Waldo! Your niece, my merciful lady does not like this so-called nightlife of yours!

Waldo: Really? Hic, I say! Every people in this household is always displeased about my way of fun! Hic!

Kluck: You should stop boozing yourself! It would definetley suit you!

Waldo: Suit me? What nonesense! These clothes are the finest for a Illyrian politician like myself! And what about this hat? It is a fine example of a gentleman's hat!

Kluck: My goodness so difficult you are! My merciful lady expressed open disgust at so-called knight you brought into the household and pretended him to be her proposer!

Waldo: Who? You mean Sir Gideon Augecheek?

Kluck: Yes! That dim-witted, clumsy and ridiculous cat-friend of yours!

Waldo: Oh, but he is so charming as any man in Illyria!

Kluck: What does that matter?

Waldo: He recieves three thousand ducats each year!

Kluck: Well he is rich, but he constantly wastes his wealth on something idiotic as drinking and prostitution! Might I remind you Sir Waldo that you are also of noble blood, yet you don't possess that much ducats.

Waldo: That doesn't matter anymore! He can speak three different languages fluently and he has all nature's greatest gifts! Hic!

Kluck: Okay, perhaps I said nature, not to mention the fool of nature. His character is constantly ludichrous! Every night he drinks so sober along with you!

Waldo: Absolutely! And it is by this mug that I drink off the the sweetness in Illyria! I could care less about my niece and her….anger management! Hic! I would love to see a pretty bitty lady like you dance with me! WOOPEEEEE!

Kluck: Wohoho! You naughty old goose!

Waldo: Castilliano Vulgo! Here comes Sir Gideon Augecheek!

Gideon: Hello there, Sir Waldo BELCH! How are you Sir Waldo BELCH!

Waldo: AHHHHH! My dear friend, Sir Gideon! I am fine as a warthog's backside! Hic!

Gideon: Bless you, little chicken winger!

Kluck: And you too, sir!

Waldo: Accost, Sir Gideon! Accost!

Gideon: Ehhhhh…..what's that?

Waldo: Wha….it's my niece's chambermaid!

Gideon: Good Mistress Accost, I desire better aquiantance!

Kluck: My name is Kluck, sir.

Gideon: Good Mistress Kluck Accost…

Waldo: You misunderstand, knight! Accoste is: front her, board her, woo her, assail her.

Gideon: By my tail! I can't undertake her in this company. Is that the meaning of "accoste"?

Kluck: Farewell, gentlemen!

Waldo: You allow her the smit away like that, Sir Gideon, you will never be able to uneathe your sword again!

Gideon: If you smit like that, then I will never uneathe my sword! Pretty little…my goodness she is gone! Perhaps she fell for another knight!

Waldo: Hahahahahah! You are really talented, Sir Gideon! The next time we meet her, you better touch her breasts!

Gideon: Breasts!? N-No way!

Waldo: Porquois, dear knight?

Gideon: Porquois, what does that mean? Awww I barley remember all of those different languages that I speak! If I only had focused on the beautiful artworks.

Waldo: Then you would've had a flat-skinned head!

Gideon: Why so? Is that good for my hair?

Waldo: Magnificent! It hangs like a drop on the leaf. And I hope to see a waitress touch you between your kness and spin it off!

Gideon: Well, I am leaving tomorrow, Sir Waldo! Your niece refuses to see me and I bet ten schilling that she doesn't like me! Even the duke himself is wooing her throughout the neighborhood!

Waldo: Bah! She does not love the duke. She won't have anyone who stands above her in age, perfection and elegance! I have heard her swear to it myself. There is still hope for you, my friend!

Gideon: Oh…..really? Why didn't you say so? Then I will stay here a few months!

Waldo: How do you master a gilliard, knight?

Gideon: Oh I can swagger like a young buck!

Waldo: And I can bow like a young swagger!

Gideon: And I think I can dance with my feet as any man can in Illyria!

Waldo: Oh your feet are well-formed as if they were made under the star of the gilliard!

Gideon: Oh yeah! Let's sing and dance shall we? I'm in the mood for the nightlife!

Waldo and Gideon: HI-DIDDLE-DEE-DEE! AN ACTOR'S LIFE FOR ME!

And so both silly noblemen left for town to fill their bellies with alcohol, as usual.

SCENE 4

In the duke's palace, Della (now dusguised as a male duck and adopting the name William) was awaiting her new boss in the palace's main hall. She was breifly engaged in a conversation with Kronk.

Kronk: Okay William! Since you are new here, you better know where your loyalty lies. Otherwise, the boss will have your head.

Della: I assure you Kronk that my loyalties to his Highness is undiminished!

Gladstone: Where is William?

Della: At your service, milord!

Gladstone: Good. Now go to Daisy's palace and ask for an audience. Ask her why she refuses to return my feelings. Do that and you shall be rewarded handsomely!

Della: It shall be done, milord. I will try my best.

Gladstone: Very well! Kronk come with me for a second, we have much to discuss.

Kronk: As you wish, my duke!

Della: Now that they are gone, all I can say to myself is, to propose for someone you love is sickening! Oh, how I adore Gladstone and his desperate search for a woman. Perhaps….I would make a fine duchess. But I better get to work and meet this….dreamer of his.

And then the duck dressed in a man's uniform went for Countess Daisy's palace, where she would learn more about this woman the duke adored so much

SCENE 5

In Daisy's garden outside her palace, Kluck was following a fox dressed in a fool's uniform. He was technically Daisy's personal fool: Robin.

Kluck: Either you say where you have been or I will not open my beak to excuse you.

Robin: Well, a good hanging does prevent bad marriages!

Kluck: You actually want to be hanged?

Robin: Not so, milady! Neither! My life is resolved on two simple points!

Kluck: So if one break, the other will hold, or if both break, your gaskins fall?

Robin: Well said, lass! Impressive! If only Sir Waldo stopped boozing himself then you could've become a witty piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria!

Kluck: Oh shut your gibbering mouth, you buffoon! No more of that! Here comes my lady and her butler, so make your excuses wisely. I am leaving her to you!

Robin: Oh I will show that woman! Better with a witty fool than a foolish wit. God bless thee, lady!

Daisy: Take the fool away!

Robin: Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady!

Daisy: Oh you are such a dry fool! I want you out of my sight! Besides, you grow dishonest.

Robin: Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry. The lady bade take away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away!

Daisy: Sir, I bade them take away you!

Robin: Good madonna, give me leave to prove you are a fool.

Daisy: Can you do it?

Robin: Dexterously, good madonna.

Daisy: Make your proof.

Robin: I must catechise you for it, madonna. Will you answer my questions? They are as formal as they can be!

Daisy: Very well, I'll bide your proof.

Robin: Good madonna, why mournest thou?

Daisy: Good fool, for my brother's death.

Robin: I think his soul is in hell, madonna.

Daisy: I know his soul is in heaven, fool.

Robin: The more fool are you, madonna, to mourn for your brother's
soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen!

Daisy: What think you of this fool, Edgar? Isn't he overreacting?

Edgar: Yes, and so shall he do till the pangs of death shake him: infirmity.

Robin: Well said, lad! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no wolf; but he will not pass his word for two pence that you are no fool.

Daisy: What do you say to that, Edgar?

Edgar: I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal! Just look at him milady, he's out of his guard already! He is no better than the fool's zanies! As such he will continue to live this kind of life.

Daisy: Oh, you are sick of self-love, Edgar, and taste with a distempered appetite. There is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail.

Robin: Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speakest well of fools!

Kluck: Madame! There is a young man standing outside the gates. He insists on speaking to you no matter what.

Daisy: He must be from Duke Gladstone, right?

Kluck: I don't know madame, but he is a fine, young gentleman.

Daisy: Who of my people hold him in delay?

Kluck: Sir Waldo, madame, your kinsman

Daisy: Oh dear! Send Waldo away, please. He speaks nothing but nonesense! That miserable, old goose. Go out and talk to this visitor, Edgar. If he has a message from the duke, tell him I am sick, or not home. Please tell anything you want, as long as you make him go away.

Edgar: As you wish, madame.

Daisy: Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old and people dislike it.

Robin: Ah Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a fool. I hope God crams his skull full of brains, because here comes one of your relatives who's pretty weak in the head. And he has been marinated in alcohol!

Daisy: I swear, he's half drunk already. Who's that at the gate, uncle?

Waldo: A gentleman.

Daisy: A gentleman? What gentleman?

Waldo: There's some gentleman out there! Hic! Damn these pickled herring! How are ye today, ye thieving fox?

Robin: Good Sir Waldo!

Daisy: Uncle, uncle, how are you already so brain-dead so early in the day?

Waldo: Brain-dead! Nonsense. I defy brain-death! I told ye, someone's at the gate. And he is very ugly.

Daisy: How ugly?

Waldo: Ugly as a duckling! Hic!

Daisy: Yes, but who is he?

Waldo: Let him be the devil if he wants to, I don't care. God will protect me. What do I care who it is? He can kiss me naked tailfeathers! Now off I go!

Robin: Hey! Where do you think you are going, lad? Don't worry about your kinsman, madonna. The fool will look after him as if he was a drowned goose.

Daisy: Very well. Make also sure that you get Waldo to bed. He is in his own world right now.

Edgar: Madame, that young man out there says he's got to speak to you. I told him everything you said, but he knew that. He knows everything and demands to speak with you. I can't come up with anymore excuses.

Daisy: Tell him he shall not speak with me.

Edgar: I did, but he says he will stand at the door like a sherrif's post until he speaks with you.

Daisy: What kind of man is he?

Edgar: He's very rude. He insists he'll speak with you whether you want him to or not.

Daisy: What does he look like? How old is he?

Edgar: Not old enough to be a man, but not young enough to be a boy. He looks like he just recently stopped breastfeeding. A despicable creature if you ask me.

Daisy: Show him in. Call in my maid.

Edgar: Kluck, our lady demands your presence! Madame, I shall leave you and the young man alone until you call for me!

Daisy: Give me my veil, Kluck. Come, put it over my face. We're going to hear Gladstone's pleas again. Such a headache!

Della: Which one of you is the lady of the house?

Daisy: You can speak to me, gentleman. I represent her. What do you want?

Della: What stunning, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty—but please, tell me if you're the lady of the house, because I've never seen her. I'd hate to waste my speech on the wrong person, because It's very well written and I spent a lot of time and energy memorizing it. So please tell me.

Daisy: Where do you come from, sir?

Della: I'm sorry, but I memorized what I'm supposed to say here today, and that question isn't part of the speech I learned. So please, madame, confirm your identidy.

Daisy: Are you an actor?

Della: No madame. But I swear I'm not the person I'm playing. Are you the lady of the house?

Daisy: I am, unless I somehow stole this role. Do you believe me?

Della: If you're the lady of the house, then it's true you're stealing your role, because what's yours to give away is not yours to keep for yourself. Let me read you my speech. I assure you it will be delightfull.

Daisy: Get to the point now. Forget the praising act.

Della: That's too bad, because I spent a long time memorizing it, and it's poetic.

Daisy: Well in my opinion it seems more likely to be fake. Keep the speech to yourself. From what I heard, you were acting disrespectful outside my gate. I only let you in so I could get to know your personality better, but that is not necessary anymore. You are nothing but a fruitcake with a complete lack of understanding. So don't waste my time with a ridiculous conversation.

Kluck: Ready to set sail, sir? The door is that way.

Della: No, good swabber, I am to hull here a little longer. My lady, would you mind asking your chickenlips here to back off a bit?

Daisy: Tell me what you want.

Della: I have a message to deliver.

Daisy: It must be a message about something horrible, since you deliver it so rudely. What is it about then?

Della: It's about you. And I come here in peace. I don't seek any demands of ducats.

Daisy: You misunderstood me, sir! Who are you? What do you want?

Della: Don't be so harsh, madame! All I want is to share a secret with you! And it comes from none other than the duke himself.

Daisy: Kluck! Please leave us alone for a bit. I will listen to what this man has to say.

Kluck: Your wish is my command!

Daisy: Okay, sir. You may begin reading.

Della: Before I read, madame, let me see your face.

Daisy: Hah! Has your lord given orders to describe my face? It is a face filled with nothing but emptiness.

Della: No madame. It would be much more personally if I read it directly to your face.

Daisy: Well…you do have point…very well then!

Della: "Most sweet lady-

Daisy: Is that your so-called speech? How absurd! I heard them a hundreds time now! Besides, Gladstone knows very well that I don't love him. He was given the answer many years ago.

Della: I see. You are overconfident. I pity you, madame. Duke Gladstone loves you deep in his heart.

Daisy: I think he is a nice, smart and just man, but he is not the right man for me. Anyway, who are you? Where are you from?

Della: My past has nothing to do with this. The only thing I barley remember is my noble parents. As you can see: I am of noble blood, but I serve faithul as ever.

Daisy: Go back to your lord and tell him I don't love him. He don't need to send me more messengers. Feel free to leave, unless you have other important things to talk about.

Della: And so shall I. Farewell, pitiful madame. May you one day find your heart in time.

Daisy: What did he mean by that? I am from noble blood? An what about this ring? It must be his. Bah! I don't have time for this foolishness! Edgar!

Edgar: At your service, madame.

Daisy: Follow this troublemaking gentleman. He forgot this ring. And if he wants to know the reason why I turned him away, then he can come back here tomorrow.

Edgar: It shall be done, madame!

Daisy: What is this feeling? Why am I suddenly feeling so warm? Could it be….no….no it can't be. Has that gentleman just opened my heart? No….I don't suppose so…except. Perhaps it is because I am tired. I need to get some sleep, that would cleanse this feeling.

And so the countess went to bed, thinking about the recent conversation between her and this young gentleman. Why was she feeling all these emotions?

END OF ACT 1

Author's note: Finished with the Act 1. A long but, exciting chapter!