I pushed the shopping cart quickly down the cereal aisle, trying to get to the meat department quickly. I had two four-year-olds sitting in the cart who were hungry, and I had forgotten to pick up the chicken yesterday for the casserole I had promised to make for them for dinner tonight. Sometimes being a mom had serious drawbacks, such as having to deal with whining kids ever since I told them that we had to stop at the store on the way home from their pre-school.
"Mama is going to be quick, I promise," I told them as I spied the coolers full of meat through the after-work crowd of shoppers.
"Mama, I wanna go home," Norah pouted.
"I know, honey. I won't be long," I told her and Declan. "I just need to pick up the chicken and a couple other things really quick, then we can go home to mami."
Declan sat in the basket of the cart with his arms crossed, a displeased look on his face. This was why I avoided taking my kids to the grocery store in the evenings. They were used to their routine of being picked up from school and taken home, where they could play while either Santana or I made dinner. Diverging from this routine often led to whines and pouts of epic proportion.
I finally made it to the chicken and picked up a package of breasts and put them into the cart. "Don't touch that," I warned the kids, knowing that they would try to play with it if they could. They knew I meant business, and they just nodded and left it alone.
I maneuvered the cart around people and made my way toward the soup aisle so I could get what I needed. I also needed to get some ice cream since Santana and I were both going to be PMSing soon, and it was one of our go to comfort foods. I hated coming to the store at this time, and I was starting to get as cranky as my kids with having to deal with the crowd.
I finally made it to the frozen food section and was just grabbing a carton of chocolate ice cream when I heard my phone ringing.
"Mama, your phone!" Declan yelled.
I cringed and shot an apologetic look at the people who had looked over at my son's loud voice. "Yeah, D, I hear it."
I set the ice cream next to my purse in the upper portion of the cart and dug around in my bag for my phone. I grabbed it and automatically smiled as I saw it was my wife calling.
"Hey, baby," I answered. "I'm sorry I'm not home, but I forgot some stuff that I needed for dinner tonight."
"You haven't been home yet?" Santana asked.
I frowned at how strange her voice sounded and the fact that she didn't even greet me. Something wasn't right. "No. I got the kids and went straight to the store. You know how busy it is at this time."
"Britt," Santana said, her voice cracking. "Don't bring them home."
My heart started to pound as I could hear devastation in my wife's voice. "San, what's wrong? What's the matter?"
I stood frozen in the frozen foods aisle of the store. I could have laughed at that if I wasn't so fucking scared at the moment.
"It's Lady," Santana told me, tears choking her voice. "I don't think she is going to make it."
My eyes flooded with tears at the thought of my big, beautiful dog dying. I tried to stay in control. I didn't want Norah or Declan to start freaking out because I was breaking down in the store.
"What is it?" I asked quietly.
"I got home and Lance ran to meet me at the door. He was whining like crazy and kept turning to run away from me only to turn back and come to me. I realized he wanted me to follow him, and he took me right to her," Santana explained through tears. "She was laying on their bed and she wouldn't move. She had messed herself and she was just whining, Britt. She was crying."
Santana dissolved into sobs and I could feel the tears start making their way down my cheeks. I wiped them away hastily and started pushing the cart, trying to fight my way to the front of the store so I could get home to my wife and our dog. I knew how much Santana loved Lady. They had a special bond, and the gentle giant was so great with the twins. She had been through so much with me, and I didn't want to see her go. But she was 9 years old, which was old for a Great Dane. I hadn't wanted to think about it coming, but in the back of my mind I knew it was.
"Baby, I'm coming home," I told Santana. "I'm on my way."
"No, Britt," Santana protested. "Don't bring the kids home. Besides, Gabe is almost here. I called him to come help me get her in the car so I can take her to the vet. Just meet us there. I don't want them to see her like this in this mess."
"Santana," I started to argue.
"Brittany, just meet us at the vet, please?"
"Okay, baby," I gave in. "Let me know when you're on the way, please?"
"I will," she promised. "I love you."
I took a deep breath and let it out shakily. "I love you, too. Take care of her for me?"
"I promise."
I disconnected the call and looked at Norah and Declan, who were staring at me with worry on their faces. They obviously knew something was up.
"What's wrong, mama?" Declan asked. I could tell my son wanted to hug me. He was just that kind of kid.
"Lady doesn't feel good, little man," I told him. "We are gonna go meet her and mami at the vet's office."
"What's the matter with Lady?" Norah asked. Her eyes were wide and I could see the slight sheen of tears that I knew would threaten to spill over if I told her the truth. She was just like her mami with that dog. They had a special connection. Lady absolutely adored Norah, and would let the girl do pretty much whatever she wanted to her. There were many times I would find them together dressed up in crowns and fairy costumes.
Santana laughed her ass off the day Norah got into her make-up and gave Lady a makeover, complete with bright red lips. I was the one who had to scold our daughter for taking her mami's things and for doing that to the dog. Santana wasn't even mad since she thought it was cute. It wasn't until I made her give the dog a bath that she got upset with our daughter, but even then she just explained why Norah couldn't do that ever again. I think she only said it because it was hell trying to scrub that make-up off of fur.
"She just needs to go to the doggie doctor right now. We will find out why she isn't feeling so good then," I explained.
They looked at me skeptically, but accepted my answer. I made my way to the express checkout lane and hurried to pay for my few items. Once I was done, I pushed the cart to the front of the store and helped the kids climb out of it. They were starting to get too big for me to lift up anymore, so I wasn't sure how much longer I would be able to keep doing this. I looped the bags around my wrist and slung my purse over my shoulder as I grabbed each of their hands and walked to the car.
After I got them strapped into their seats, I climbed into the driver's seat and pulled out my phone to let Santana know I was on my way. I saw that she had texted me that she was leaving the house a few minutes ago, so she would probably beat me to the vet's office. I let her know that we were headed there and would see her soon.
I cursed the traffic under my breath. Thankfully it was spring, so I didn't have to deal with snowy weather to make things even more slow-going. I was so impatient. I wanted to get there as fast as possible. I didn't want anything to happen to her before I could see her and say goodbye.
Finally, I was pulling into a spot in the parking lot of the vet clinic. I saw Gabe's SUV already in the lot, so I knew they were here. I quickly got the kids out of the car and we made our way into the waiting area of the building.
Gabe was sitting there waiting, but there was no sign of Santana. He gave me a sad smile as he saw us.
"Hey, Britt," he greeted before turning his attention to the kids. "Why don't you guys come sit with me so your mama can go with your mami and find out what is making Lady sick, huh?"
Declan and Norah looked up at me and I nodded to them, letting them know they should go with their uncle. Gabe put his hands on their backs as they walked to him, and he crouched down to pull them into him for a hug.
"She's in room three," Gabe said to me, and I murmured a thank you before giving one final smile to my kids and heading to the room.
I cracked open the door cautiously, sneaking a peek in to make sure I had the right place. My eyes settled on Lady wrapped up in a blanket on the floor, her large body looking suddenly small as I heard her slight whimpers.
I pushed the door open and fell on my knees next to my dog, tears starting to fall heavily down my face.
"Oh, my sweet girl," I cooed to her as I cradled her head in my hands. I lifted her grey muzzle up into my lap and pressed a lingering kiss to her fur. "I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry."
I murmured my sobs into her fur. I felt so terrible that she had gotten like this. She had been moving slower recently, but not acting out of character enough to warrant us worrying about her. Her last check-up with the vet just a few months ago had gone well, considering her age. I guess it was just her time to go.
I felt arms surround my waist and Santana's voice whispered comforting words into my ear. I couldn't even understand what she was saying, but just having her holding me was helping. I noticed that Santana had wrapped her in one of the nice blankets from the living room, but I didn't give a shit that it was probably ruined. I knew Santana didn't either. It was just a blanket, and we wanted Lady to be comfortable.
I sniffed and gave Lady another kiss before I sat up. I buried my face in Santana's neck and she just held me for a moment as I tried to calm down. I finally noticed that the vet was standing near the other door. He was writing something in a chart, giving Santana and me our moment.
I lifted my head off of my wife's shoulder and addressed the man, uncaring about the tears drying on my cheeks. "What exactly is going on?"
He turned to look at us, a sympathetic look on his face. "As I was telling your wife shortly before you arrived, it looks like her kidneys are shutting down. Her body is just starting to give out due to her age."
"So there's nothing we can do." It wasn't a question. I knew that Lady was dying and there wasn't anything we could do to stop that.
He looked grave as he shook his head. "I'm afraid not. I can offer you the option of giving her some meds to try to make her comfortable until she goes, but it wouldn't be easy to go through. For either her or you. The other option is that we can put her to sleep."
My heart broke even more at hearing that. I heard Santana crying softly beside me, and I knew that this was just as hard for her. She had been in Lady's life almost as long as I had. I turned to look at her, seeing the pain and devastation in her eyes. I could tell what she wanted to do by the look she gave me. I just nodded slightly at her.
"We don't want her to suffer anymore," I told him. "We want to put her to sleep."
"Okay," the vet said quietly. "I will give you as much time as you want with her to say goodbye. I am going to go get everything I need ready, and I will come and check on you in a bit. You just let me know when you are ready."
He quietly left the room, leaving Santana and me alone with our sweet dog.
"Are you okay?" I asked my wife, finally getting a chance to actually talk to her.
"Not really," she answered, burying her fingers in my hair and resting our foreheads together. "It was so hard walking into that. And poor Lance was freaking out. But I know that it is her time, and it is best that we stop her suffering. How are you doing with this?"
I sighed, closing my eyes briefly as I continued to pet Lady's head in my lap. "It's really hard, San," I said, my voice breaking as my tears threatened to start again. "I don't want to do this. I don't want to have to say goodbye."
"Oh, sweetie, I know," she cooed. She pressed kisses over my cheeks, trying to soothe me. She gave me the time I needed to calm myself as much as I could, and I finally opened my eyes again to find her teary brown orbs looking at me with pain and sympathy.
I brought my lips to hers for a kiss, needing it to ground me. I took a deep breath as we parted and cleared my throat. "We need to bring Norah and Declan in here before we do this," I said.
Santana's eyes widened and she looked even more upset. "No, Britt. Absolutely not! I do not want our kids to see her like this!"
I understood where she was coming from, but I didn't agree with keeping them away. "Baby, I know," I said calmly. "But I don't want them to be confused when we go home without her, and I don't want to lie to them and say that she went to live on a farm or something. They need to learn about death at some point, and they have already been told about it a little bit when we talked to them about your parents."
"But this is not an appropriate thing for them to see," Santana argued, her eyes snapping with fire. "Lady is one of their best friends, and to see her like this would break their hearts. I don't want to do that to our children, Brittany."
"I don't want to let her die without giving them a chance to say goodbye to her, either," I said firmly. "They don't really understand what is going on, San. And we need to tell them what we can to help them to understand that they won't get to play with her ever again. This will be the last time they will be able to see her, and it will help them understand that she is sick and won't be able to get better."
"Ugh, Britt," Santana groaned. She looked at the ceiling and took several deep breaths before she looked back at me. "I don't even know if this is the right thing or not, but we'll do it your way. But, I want the vet to see if he can do something so she isn't whining when they come in. I don't want them to think she is hurting so badly."
I nodded in agreement, relieved that she was willing to let our kids say goodbye. Thankfully the vet popped his head in not long after and we asked about giving her something to help calm her so the kids could say their goodbyes. He was already a step ahead of us. He gave her a very low dose of a sedative, and we were glad to see her breathing calm a little and hear that her whining stopped.
Santana went out to get Norah and Declan while I signed the necessary paperwork to agree to the euthanasia. The vet left again as Santana came back in with the twins. I could tell she explained to them a little bit about what was going on when I saw their timid faces.
"Hey, babies," I said to them, squatting down so I could be more level with them. "Mami told you Lady was really sick, huh?"
They nodded at me, their eyes darting back to our dog lying peacefully on the ground in the blanket.
"Well, you see," I said, "the vet said that she isn't going to get better. So we are going to give her some medicine that will make her go to sleep and she won't wake up again."
"Ever?" Declan asked, his wide eyes searching my face.
"No, little man. Not ever."
"But why?" Norah asked, her voice tremulous.
"Sweetheart," Santana said as she crouched down and pulled Norah into her by her waist. "Do you remember when mama and I told you guys about your abuelo and abuela, and how they had an accident and didn't wake up again and went to live in heaven? And how we took you to the cemetery where they were buried to talk to them?"
Norah and Declan nodded solemnly, knowing that a serious talk was going on, but not exactly getting it quite yet.
"That's what is going on with Lady. She is really old for a dog, and when people and animals get really old they start to get sick and they can't get better like you guys can being so young," I teased, trying to lighten the mood a little. "So what happens is that their bodies make them go to sleep, but it isn't really sleeping like we do at night. They don't wake up like we do in the morning because their souls go to heaven instead of staying in their bodies, because in heaven they can skip and run and play there like they can't do down here anymore."
"So we won't be able to play with her anymore?" Norah asked, tears starting to fall down her cheeks.
"Oh, baby girl," I cooed as I scooted over and cupped her cheeks, wiping her tears away with my thumbs. My throat got tight as I fought to stay strong for my babies. "I'm sorry, but you won't."
Santana pulled Norah tighter into her as our daughter cried and tried to soothe her.
"B-but I don't want her to go away!" Declan whined. I wrapped an arm around his little shoulders and pulled him to me. I pressed a kiss to his head as I wrapped my other arm around Santana and Norah, pulling us all into a hug.
"I know, D," I told him quietly. "Mami and I don't want her to, either. But there isn't anything we can do to make her better, so it is time to say goodbye."
I looked up and my eyes locked with Santana's. I saw the pain and doubt in her eyes, wondering if we were doing the right thing by bringing the twins into the room with us.
"Is she gonna feel better in heaven?" Declan asked us, sniffling.
"Yeah, she is," Santana answered. "She will be just like she was last summer when you all were running around the backyard together. And she has abuelo and abuela to play with her in heaven, so she won't be alone. And she can tell them all about you guys and how much she loved you."
"But doggies can't talk," Norah protested, ever the realist.
Santana and I chuckled a little. "But in heaven they can," I said. "And she will be able to watch you as you grow up and so will your abuelo and abuela. And though she'll miss you, like you'll miss her, she'll feel a lot better."
Our kids looked back and forth between Santana and I, clearly upset but understanding that they weren't going to be able to take their friend home again.
"Okay," Declan finally said. His sister just nodded.
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly as Declan and Norah made their way over to the dog, who watched them calmly.
"Bye, Lady. I love you," Norah told her as she bent down and gave the dog a big kiss on the muzzle. Lady's tongue poked out of her mouth a little, as if she was trying to give Norah a kiss goodbye, too.
"Bye, Lady," Declan said as he wrapped his arms around her big body and leaned his head on her shoulders. "I love you, too. I'm gonna miss you lots."
Lady let out a sigh, and I could tell she was saying her own goodbyes to the kids. Santana's hand gripped mine tightly as we watched the scene in front of us. The twins said a few final words to our big girl, and then Santana decided to take them back out so we could let Lady go.
"Come on, guys. Let's go back to Tio Gabe."
"Are you coming back, San?" I asked as she made to usher the kids out of the room.
She gave me a pained look and shook her head slightly. "I don't think I can."
It hurt, but I understood. If she wasn't able to handle it, I sure wasn't going to try to make her stay. Even if I would have felt better if she did.
"Okay, baby. I love you," I said, before looking at Declan and Norah. "Love you guys, too."
"Love you, mama," they chorused. Santana gave me a sad smile and then led them away, closing the door behind her.
I went to the other door and got the attention of the vet, who was standing nearby. "I think we're ready."
He just nodded and grabbed a large syringe filled with a pink liquid. He followed me back into the room and shut the door behind him. I settled back onto the floor and put Lady's head back into my lap. He just finished tightening the tourniquet around her front leg when the door to the waiting room opened and Santana came quickly in.
I looked at her in surprise, even as my heart soared at seeing her back. "I thought-"
"I know, but I couldn't not be here," she told me.
I gave her a grateful look as she came to sit on the floor next to me. She wrapped an arm around me and I leaned my head on her shoulder. Her other hand went to pet Lady softly.
"Okay, I'm ready to administer the injection if you are," the vet told us.
Santana and I nodded, and he slipped the needle into her vein. He pressed the plunger and my eyes stayed locked on Lady's. I could hear her breathing start to slow as her body relaxed further. Then, the light went out of her eyes as her breathing stopped.
I started to sob as Santana did the same next to me. Her arm tightened around me as her hand froze on Lady's head.
The vet slipped the needle out of her leg and removed the tourniquet. He put his stethoscope into his ears and placed it against her chest.
"She's gone," he confirmed, and I nodded in understanding. "I'm so sorry."
"Thank you," I told him, and he stood up and made to walk out. "Take your time with her, and just let us know when you are ready and what you would like to do."
I nodded again, and he walked out.
"What was he talking about?" Santana asked me, her voice strained as she leaned back to look at me.
"If we wanted to take her home and bury her, or if we wanted to have her cremated," I informed her.
"Oh," she said, clearly not expecting that. "Well, what do you want to do?"
I shrugged. "I don't really know. I mean, digging a hole for her in the backyard would be a lot. Plus, I am a little worried if we did that and the kids knew that she was buried back there that it would scare them."
Santana nodded. "Yeah, I don't know about burying her."
"But if we cremated her, we could bury her ashes under that big tree in the backyard that she loved to lay under. As long as we didn't tell the kids that we burned her body, I think we could get away with just having a little ceremony for her under the tree. We don't even have to tell them that we buried her there," I said.
Santana thought for a moment, and she wiped her cheeks free from the tears that had finally subsided. "I hate the idea of cremating her, but with as big as she is, I think that might be best," she conceded. "Plus, I really like the idea of having a ceremony under her tree with her."
I smiled sadly. "I think that's the best idea."
"God, Brittany. Why did this have to happen?" Santana asked in frustration.
I pulled her into my arms and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "It's life, baby. It's, unfortunately, something we can never escape. The only consolation we can take is that we were able to let her go peacefully and prevent her from suffering."
"I know," she sniffled. "Can we leave the blanket with her?"
"Yeah, San. We can leave the blanket with her," I said quietly, burying my nose in her hair and breathing in her soothing scent.
"I had to throw their bed out, so we need to buy a new one for Lance," she said. "I think we should get him a nice, fancy orthopedic one since he is older too. And maybe we could get him and Tubbs some new toys, too?"
"I think that's a good idea, baby," I agreed. I knew she felt bad about everything, and we were both going to be more attentive to Lance and Lord Tubbington now that Lady was gone. They were going to be some pretty spoiled animals. I was thinking about maybe even picking up some treats for them, too. That jogged something in my memory.
"Shit," I murmured into Santana's hair.
"What?" Santana asked as she pulled back to look at me.
"I just remembered that I bought ice cream," I told her. "It is probably completely melted in the car."
Santana chuckled a little. "That's okay, babe. We can stop for ice cream on the way home with the kids. I think they'd be happy with ice cream for dinner."
I smiled, wiping the remnants of tears off of her cheeks. "I think that sounds like a perfect plan. But maybe we should have a little bit of real food before the ice cream."
"If we have to," she sighed, teasing me. "Come on. Let's go get our babies from their annoying uncle and go spoil everyone tonight."
She gave a final caress to Lady's head before she stood up and reached her hand down to help me to my feet. After I pressed a kiss to Lady one more time, I grabbed my wife's hand and stood up.
"Does that mean we get to spoil each other tonight?" I asked, stepping into her and wrapping my arms around her waist.
She raised a questioning eyebrow at me. "What did you have in mind?"
"I was thinking, after we put the kids to bed after their ice cream," I started with a cheeky smile, "maybe we could have a nice bubble bath together and then watch a movie in bed while we cuddle."
Santana's lips slowly turned up into a sweet smile and her eyes began to sparkle with the light that had been missing since I first saw her this afternoon. "That sounds amazing, babe. I love you so much."
"I love you, too," I said before I leaned in and gave her a lingering kiss.
Today had been a horrible day. We had lost a loved member of our family, and there would forever be a hole in our hearts. But we could start moving on by taking comfort in our kids and each other, and hope that, one day, the pain would fade and we could think about Lady with nothing but happiness and love in the future.
A/N: Please don't hate me! This was a story I didn't really want to write, but I felt like I had to. The dogs were just as much a part of their lives as the people, and, unfortunately, they don't live quite as long.
I used to work in the veterinary field, and I had to deal with this kind of thing on a regular basis. Seeing the utter devastation that owners had to go through when saying goodbye to a beloved family member was tough, and having to go through it yourself, as I have many times, is even tougher. It is an important part of life and an important story to tell. But I am sorry for putting this sadness on you all.
In an effort to cheer you up, the new AU I have been working on is nearly finished! But, with factoring in editing and the fact that I am leaving in a few weeks to go out of the country on a long vacation, the earliest it will start getting posted is May. But it is almost ready, so I hope you guys are excited! In the meantime, there will be a few more one-shots to tide you over until I can get that story out there for you :)
