Disclaimer: Harry Potter and subsequent characters and parts of the Potterverse are strictly property of JK Rowling and affiliates. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is made from this work.

Summary: Insanity is continuing to do the same thing but expect a different result. Eventually, banging your head against a wall becomes too painful to continue.

A/N: This is HP/SS but not graphic. It is rated 'PG' and intended for anyone who is not offended by male-male affection/romance or relationships between partners with a wide age difference.


The Broken Heart is Blind

When I first saw Lily Evans, I fell desperately in love with her. I watched her for weeks before I tried to befriend her. I was unsurprised that her sister, at least, knew who I was. I only hoped Petunia's opinion of me wouldn't sour the chance I thought I had with Lily. Looking back now, I realize I was brimming with the idealism of youth: that if you only try hard enough, everything will work out in your favor. At the time, I felt unaccountably nervous, but I didn't know then what true nerves were. Much of my time from approximately age nine until age sixteen was spent courting Lily Evans's favour. Once I had ruined not only my delusion of romance, but also my friendship with her, I realized that even if I had been able to convince her to love me in return, I would have never been enough for her. As much as I loathed James Potter, he was much better suited to her than I ever could have been. I suppose, more than anything, it was this that caused me the most pain – the most jealousy: the fact that I simply wasn't good enough for her, but he was. Could I have fought harder for her? Of course. Would it have changed anything? Probably not. But in letting go of her, of letting her go to James, I did the right thing. She deserved so much more than a man like me, even if it robbed me of whatever fragile innocence was left in me, and broke my heart.