TELLING AND LEAVING

The oak clock in the family room chimed six.

Bray was off.

Amber grabbed a glass of wine and sat on the couch. Dinner was sitting on the table. It was how Bray liked it.

Footsteps sounded at the front door.

He was home.

Amber's blood ran cold. Her hand started to shake, the red juice lapping against the sides of the glass. The day was now over. She was His again. The b!tch of the leader, as he put it so candidly.

Bray opened the door.

"Hey Amber," He grinned. He threw his leather briefcase on the sofa and swept Amber into a loving embrace. The rancid smell of alcohol was on his breath. He kissed her cheek, his scratchy stubble irritating her skin.

"Dinner prepared, eh?" He asked.

"Yes, just what you told me to make this morning -- chicken and baked potatoes. It's sitting on the table," Amber smiled and nodded toward the kitchen. She hoped that he would not find fault with her tonight. That he would not send her to the floor in a heap of sobs and bruises like he had done every week for two years.

"On the table? Amber, it'll get cold..." Bray's eyes narrowed. The grin was wiped from his face, replaced by a cynical smile.

"But Bray, I prepare your dinner every night before you get home--"

"Are you arguing with me? God dammit, Amber. Why do you have to make our lives so miserable? Why can't I just come home and relax?" Bray whispered, threateningly.

"Bray, I--"

"Don't 'Bray, I--' me! I wonder what I ever saw in you," Bray sneered. He took a step forward, backing Amber into the kitchen. His hand raised in the air like a snake ready to strike, but Amber ran into the kitchen and took shelter on the other side of the table.

"Come here, you little b!tch!" Bray snarled. He ran into the kitchen after her and with one sweep of his hand, knocked the dinner Amber had prepared onto the floor.

Tears started to pour down Amber's face. "Bray, stop! Please, honey! Think of BJ! I know it's hard, but this isn't the way," She sobbed.

"You know sh!t, Amber! You disgusting sl.ut!" Bray jumped to the side of the table where Amber was and slowly backed her into the corner.

"Bray..." Amber shielded her face with her hands. Her tears would not stop coming.

Bray had her completely. He was in total control again, and the hell would occur just like it always did. Amber's body convulsed, completely racked with sobs, fear, and an insane sadness.

Bray grabbed Amber's shoulders gently and stared her in the eyes. He brushed a tear as it slid down her cheek. A long, uncomfortable silence followed. Bray would not stop staring at her. Amber's teeth started to chatter as her sobs turned dry and random.

"Why does my son have a w.hore for a mother?" Bray said quietly.

And with that he knocked Amber to the floor with a powerful blow to the side of her head.

Though it happend to her many a time, it was still a shock to be hit by such force. Amber ran her hand through the spot where she had been hit. It was caked in blood.

Bray did not give her the chance to recooperate. He kicked her and kicked her until Amber started to see black. Slowly, Bray's angry curses started to fade out. A gentle bliss set into Amber's mind, like a protective cloth an angel had sewn to protect her from the wrath of this man who was hurting her so.

She fell unconcious.

~*~

When Amber woke up the next morning, she was still in the same spot where she had fell the night before. Bray had not even bothered to wash her or put her to bed. She laughed harshly at the thought that he would even attempt such a gesture.

Of course he wouldn't do that, Amber, are you stupid? She thought to herself.

Slowly, she propped herself up with a chair from the table and made her way to Bray Junior's room. Her heart stopped when she opened the door. She let out a sigh of relief when she saw that Bray had taken him to school. It was not healthy for him to see his mother in such a state. Ironically, Bray agreed.

Now that she didn't have BJ to look after, Amber stripped off her bloody clothing and hopped in the shower. The hot water cascading down her body made her pounding headache cease somewhat, but her ribs felt cracked. She knew she had to get to a doctor.

As Amber lathered her hair with shampoo, great clumps of it fell out. Entire locks of the brown and blonde were wet in her fingers. She knew it was from the stress. But she did not cry. She worried about what Tai-San, the healer of the City, would say when she went to her. Hopelessly, she flicked the wet hair out of her hands and washed the rest of the soap out, more locks falling out. It was starting to clog the drain.

Amber was a prideful person. She did not want to admit that Bray beat her. She was the strong one. Amber of Justice, they called her. What would they think if they knew she was really Amber the Coward? The thought made her feel very small.

She took a deep sigh. The only hope was that she could trust Tai-San with her secret. Maybe she would even give Amber some type of herb or medallion that warded off marital abuse? Tai-San was like that. Odd as she was, she was a great friend, and had become more normal as they all matured.

"So do you have anything?" Amber asked dryly, taking a smoke of her ciggerate. She was at Tai-San's clinic, sitting on an old cott Tai-San had found in an alleyway and decided to use as a bed.

"Yes, I have something Amber. Some advice: [I]Leave him[I]! Or he'll kill you! These injuries are horrendous, and over time your body couldn't possibly sustain them," Tai-San's eyes flashed.

Amber exhaled the smoke. It drifted casually into the air, loitering in a far corner. The smell naseauted her. She smoked rarely. Strangely enough, she was not addicted. Her body seemed to ward off another thing that could harm it. She had started when she first married Bray. When he tried to force demons inside of her, she could blow them out.

"Tai-San, I can't leave him. It..it would destroy BJ's life... besides. He'd come after me," Amber whispered. She flicked the rest of her ciggerate into a small ashtray at the side of the cott.

"What do you mean, Amber? Is he blackmailing you? Uh-- You should stop smoking," Tai-San's voice wavered, hand on hip.

Amber looked away.

"He is, isn't he? That bastard..."

"Don't say that! He's the father of my child," Amber snapped.

"He'll be the murderer of your life if you let this continue! Listen, Amber-- I love you. I don't want to see you hurt by him. No one does! For God's sake think what this will do to BJ when he's older!"

A moment of silence followed.

"Do you have anything for me?" Amber finally said. She dug her hands deep into her coatpockets. Even in Tai-San's sterilized white doctor's office, the chilly November breeze blew in through cracks in what used to be an old grocery shop.

Tai-San turned to face the wall. "Yes."

"What is it?"

Tai-San didn't answer.

"Tai-San?"

She took a deep breath and swiftly turned back around.

"What I am about to say could change everything, but for a huge price. I'm not sure if I should tell you," Tai-San said softly. She fumbled with the stethescope hanging around her neck.

"Say it," Amber demanded. Her voice wavered.

"There is something that can help you. It is an underground movement called The Women's Liberation Operation or, the WLO. Two women in Sector 9 run it. It's for...abused women and their children-- they change their identities and move to remote Sectors of the City so they can leave their husbands."

Amber's eyes widened. Give up her identity? Lose everything she'd work so hard for?

"What?" Tears filled her eyes and splashed onto her bruised cheeks.

"It's an option. I would reccomend it, but the decisions is yours and yours alone," Tai-san counseled.

"Tai-San, I just can't leave like that! Start over? No. No! No! It was too hard when my parents died; I can't do that all over again. Mourn myself and after, begin a new life!" Amber sobbed. She was sick of choosing. Of the pain that came along with the decision she made everyday-- to stay and take the abuse.

Dammit, why can't he just leave me alone? Amber thought. Why does he have to hit me? Damn him! Damn him! I hope he rots in hell! She started to snarl, tears violently pouring.

"You can keep contact with a few close friends. They'll help you with the transition period; for moral support. You just have to make sure you can trust them."

"I haven't even decided if I want to consider this as anything!" Amber bit her lip, attempting to hold back the sobs that wanted to burst forth her. She didn't want anyone's pity.

"Than go home tonight. Relax; take a bath. Make the decision," Tai-San brushed her hand across Amber's in a gesture of friendship.

"And if he touches me?"

Tai-San's eyes turned dark.

"Than you get BJ and you get the hell out of there."

Amber returned home alone.

And like every night, she put dinner on the table -- tomato soup, cornbread, and cider -- and sat on the sofa in the living room drinking a glass of wine, waiting for Him to come home.

As she watched the clock slowly tick, a device she swore was secretly designed only to lengthen her suffering, she was grateful that BJ was at a friend's playing. Another night of Bray's episodes BJ didn't need.

Amber took a sip of her wine.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

She drummed her fingers on her thigh. Where was he?

Tick.

Tock.

The door opened.

Bray.

A look of complete and utter anger on his face.

"You f.ucking b.itch!" He slammed the door and threw his briefcase at her. It missed and smashed a photograph on the endtable. A picture from their wedding day -- Bray gently shoving cake down Amber's mouth and laughing -- shattered into a thousand pieces.

"Honey-" Amber stood up, trembling in fear.

"Don't fu.cking honey me! I can't believe you told Tai-San!" He gripped Amber's shoulders and shook them without mercy. Tears fell down Amber's face in rivers of grief. Tai-San had told him?!

She bit her lip as Bray shook her like a ragdoll. Her cuts from the night before ripped open. Blood fell down her chin.

"Fu.ck Amber! F.uck, fu.ck, fu.ck!" Bray screeched. He grabbed a fistful of Amber's shoulder-length hair and pulled her past the dining room, and into the hallway.

He rammed her against the wall, knocking the breath out of her.

"Stop it! Stop it!" Amber pounded on his back with what little strength she had left.

"Shut the f.uck up! Shut the fuc.k up!" Bray grabbed her head and started ramming it into the wall.

"Bray!" Amber shouted. She couldn't breath. Blood clouded her vision, her ears poured with the gooey red substance. Her broken rib was cracked again. The gentle fabric Tai-San had secured them with had tore without a second thought.

As black clouded her conciousness, Bray dragged Amber into their bedroom and threw her against the bed.

The force knocked her out.

But that didn't stop Bray. He punched Amber in the face four more times and proceeded to rape her.

After he was done, he stared at her.

And he felt nothing inside.

The sun was beginning to set outside. The room was clouded in the darkness that the evening tends to bring.

Bray left the room. He took a breath in the hallway, walked into the dining room, took a seat at the table.

He grabbed the fork that sat at his place, stabbed a piece of cold cornbread, and shoved it into his mouth.

His hands still fresh with the blood of his wife.

~*~

[I]This woman

Takes on the world

And picks up your shirts

Keeps it together somehow

This sane woman

That melts with your touch

And wants you to feel what I'm feeling right now

Cause this woman needs

A safe place to live

Is somewhere to cry

And I'll tell you

I'll tell you

What this woman needs[/I]

~*~

The next morning when Amber awoke, she was on the floor of her bedroom. Her head pounded, like someone had hit her with a hammer repeatdly.

She didn't doubt Bray was capable of that.

"Shit..." She whispered. She ran her hand against her forehead. Wet blood. She was still bleeding. He had hit her the night before-- Oh God, how much blood had she lost?

Her heart started to beat fast. She needed to get to Tai-San or she could die. Without a thought, Amber stumbled into her closet and grabbed a pair of old sneakers, her coat, and a blue hankerchief that once belonged to her grandmother. She sat down on the couch in the family room, tied her shoes, and wrapped the hankerchief around her head in kerchief-style.

As she pulled on her coat, she looked in the mirror. The gash ran from the side of her head to her forehead. The hankerchief did little to cover it. She looked like a Russian woman. She looked ridiculious.

Amber took a deep breath. It hurt. She clutched her side. Her hand brushed against the doorknob when a thought occured to her-- what if she wasn't coming back?

Tai-San surely wouldn't allow her to return. None of her friends would. Especially with the abuse so clearly written across her forehead. But she couldn't pack anything-- she was going to collapse any minute, and this time she didn't know for how long.

"Goodbye," Amber cried pitifully. She opened the door and limped from her home.

Amber pulled her coat closer to her as she hobbled down the street. Her head bowed down gracefully, she kept her face hidden from the cold wind.

The sky above was overcast, a dull gray color.

Good, Amber thought. She didn't need sunshine now. She wanted to cry. To release all of her pain and frusteration. But she knew that was futile. She had to be strong-- for BJ.

"Amber is that you?" An old mini-van pulled up to the sidewalk. Inside was Kelly Anderson-- one of her old neighbours from Before.

Amber's blood froze. What would she say?

"Hey Kelly!" Amber sniffed. She tilted her head at an odd angle to hide her bruises. Her voice cracked. She was in horrible condition.

"Where are you going?" Kelly asked. Inside the van, Amber heard a toddler cry out.

"Just to the clinic. I have a horrible cold," Amber explained. She was always good at improvising.

"Want a lift?"

"Oh, no, I'm fine. I need some excersize. Tai-San says that it's good to be exposed to the morning air on cloudy days when you have a cold-- some weird spiritual mumbo-jumbo, but hell, maybe it'll work," Amber lied, grinning.

"That Tai-San. She's grown up, but still a little outta this world," Kelly said. The toddler's voice cried again.

"Definitely."

"Ah, Samuel is being cranky. I gotta get him home. Hey, I'll talk to you later. Maybe we can go out to lunch next week. Get better! Bye hon!" Kelly waved. She rolled up the window. Amber waved.

Relief flooded her as the van drove off. She tightend the hankerchief knot and bowed her head down low. She couldn't risk that happening again. She took a painful breath and pulled the fake fur-lined hood of her coat on her head. It wasn't the greatest, but it was all the disguise she had.

She was relieved when she turned on the street where Tai-San's clinic was located. She started walking quickly, keeping her head down, in case Bray was trying to watch her movements. She quietly ducked into Tai-San's clinic.

Tai-San was sitting at the front desk, shuffling papers. Amber threw off her scarf.

"How could you do this, Tai-San?" Amber asked. Her voice trembled, so full of pain and hurt. Tears rushed down her eyes, mixing with dried blood. Her hair was greasy, ratted and matted in red. She was shaking with fury, and with betrayal.

"Oh my God, Amber..." Tai-San's hand reached her mouth.

"I look that bad, eh? It's your goddamn fault! He found out I came here yesterday," Amber clutched her hand to her face to hide the tears that wouldn't stop coming. How could Tai-San have betrayed her like that?

"Amber, I didn't tell him. Let me fix you up, and I'll tell you what happend," Tai-San put a gentle arm around Amber's shoulder and directed her to the bed. Amber sat down, staring at the floor. Her head was full of sharp pains.

"I tape-record myself when I diagnosis my patients for later referals. You were talking about Bray when I was muttering stuff into my recorder about your condition, and when you left, a man came in," Tai-San dabbed a bandage into a liquid and rubbed Amber's forehead wound. She cried out in pain.

"I'd never treated him before. His name was John Matheson?"

Amber snarled. "John Matheson is one of Bray's cronies at work." One who randomly came by for dinner, or to make moves on Amber. She hated John Matheson with a passion. He was sneaky, Bray's sidekick, his drinking buddy. Amber wouldn't be surprised if he also egged Bray on to beat her more.

"He came in with a cold. I was in the backroom finding some remedies and I heard the recorder playing. It was you describing Bray beating you. I ran and told him to put it away, and he apologized and that was it," Tai-San concluded. Done with the forehead, she started picking through Amber's hair for the cut that was staining her hair red.

"Jesus, Tai-San. He beat me so hard..." Amber sobbed. Her face fell into the confines of her hand. She was so ashamed. What would those who had thought of her as so strong think if they knew the truth? That she was pathetic and weak? It made her laugh to think she had been a leader once! To think people actually wanted her to become City leader was unfathomable.

"Amber, you have to leave," Tai-San gently took Amber's chin and met her eyes.

Amber looked away. Why couldn't she stop crying?

"Tai-San, I- I refuse to start over."

"Then don't."

Amber looked at her.

"Don't join the WLO. Amber, any of the old MallRats, including me, would take you in. We'd all defend you against him," Tai-San said definitively. She look into Amber's eyes with such a determined look for Amber's welfare, she would of given anything to dissapear and melt.

Why did they care so much? What so great about her if she couldn't stop her husband beating her? How had anyone ever trusted her? Why had she let Bray do that to her? What would happen next? Why did the MallRats like her? She was disgusting, a hypocrite, evil to the bone.

A wave of self-pity and self-hate flooded Amber's emotions. Wave after crashing wave knocked out all hope she had for the future of her life. The only thing she cared about now was BJ. She didn't want him to hear his father beat his mother every night.

"Tai-San, I can't handle pity," Amber whimpered through clenched teeth. Tai-San was rummaging in a cabinet where she pulled out another brace for Amber's cracked ribs.

"Dammit, Amber, you did so much for us after the Virus. Any of us would give our right and left arms for you," Tai-San lifted up Amber's shirt carefully.

"He really messed this up, honey. You're going to have to stay in bed for a couple of weeks to fully recover," Tai-San rubbed the purple bruises that lurked vividly under Amber's pale skin. Amber flinched. Super sharp stings arched into her back every time Tai-San touched her.

"Weeks? But-- Bray-- no...." Amber muttered to herself. Her tears were dried now, her runny nose was hardened on the top of her lip.

"If you want to have a full recovery, you need to leave Bray today," Tai-San said gently.

Amber couldn't bring herself to form words, much less speak them. To leave Bray was... unthinkable. They had been together so long. What was it? BJ was seven, and he was born two and a half years after the Virus-- so she had been with him for nine and a half years. In fact, that August would be their 10th anniversary, though they only married two years ago.

"It's been almost 10 years Tai-San," Amber gripped the clinic bed so tightly her fists turned a ghostly white.

"Is it worth your life to stay with him? Is it worth Bray Junior's life?" Tai-San said.

"Of course it's not, Tai-San! Stop playing the therapist, I know Bray will kill me if I stay, okay? I just want..."

"Something better for not only BJ, but for yourself. Amber, don't do what our moms did. Make yourself a priority. It's okay to want to save yourself!"

"I know that...it's just scary to even think about any of this. I think he'd come after me, Tai-San..."

"Than we'll be here to defend you."

Amber thought about that. The former MallRats were the only people in the world she could trust. She had to do what she had to. Or get killed, and be remembered as someone who was too weak to defend herself. A woman who had once held the destiny of the City in her hands, but, like so many people in history before her, had let her own dramatic circumstances get in the way.

She refused to be that woman. She refused to give up. She had been the future of the City once. She could become the future of something now.

It was time to leave him for good.

She looked at Tai-San.

"I'll leave."