TRIGGER WARNING: VIOLENCE

Power. Power is the ultimate goal in life. For everyone. No matter if they tell you otherwise, in fact, they might not even know it themselves; but it is and always will be the goal of every specimen in the human species.

As a child, I had no power. Most children do not. However, most children have not lived through what I have. I had even less power in my life than the average child. I was weak, powerless, helpless. I vowed to never let myself feel that way again. I do not want to be controlled, I will not be controlled. I want to control. I decide what happens, when, where, how...who. It is all up to me. That is the way I like it.

Now I am not saying I am the way I am because of my troubled childhood, no, I believe I would have probably become this creature anyways. But, I do believe it has fueled me. Given my dark mind an even darker space to crawl into. Violence has been burned into my brain, violence is control. My childhood did not create me, it just inspired me.

The first time was an accident. I was 22. Young, inexperienced, stupid...sick. GEH was just starting, I was working 18 hour days. It was hard, I was surely going to fail, but thankfully I had a little plaything to come home to and take out my stress on. And take it out I did. Every night I'd lose myself in her, in using her. The punishments were harsh and often. She didn't mind. She was a glutton for pain. She liked breath play, that was her..our...downfall.

I was inside her, a punishment fuck. Hands bound above her head, blindfold on, mouth gagged. She had spoken without being asked to, it was really just an excuse for me to hurt her, it was my favorite thing to do and she was into it. I had my hands wrapped around her neck. I fucked her relentlessly, brutally. My fingers pushed, cutting off circulation, but not blocking her airway completely. I wasn't stupid..yet.

But then my mind started to wander. I had hired a new partner, Ros. God she was a bitch. She stood up to me like no one else had but she was too good to get rid of. She ticked me off. My fingers tightened. She wiggled beneath me but didn't do her motion for a safe word. Fuck...then there were those Chinese bastards. They were trying to short me on a deal we were working on. They'd kiss my ass while trying to sneak in changes in the paperwork, they thought they were so slick. But then we'd catch it and have to start all over, the deal should have taken a week and it was going on a month and a half. I was gonna lose my company over these assholes.

As my mind continued to venture to the stresses in my life I failed to notice that what was in my hands was not a stress ball. Tighter and tighter my fingers squeezed, enjoying the feeling of her heart desperately trying to pump beneath my grip, her breaths strangled. She liked to be choked..she loved it. Harder and harder I thrusted. If I would have been paying attention I would have noticed wiggles turning to thrashing, the desperate attempts to escape her confines. At the time I just dismissed it as enjoying being fucked. I know better now. To be honest I wasn't even feeling the pleasure, I was just lost in my own world, as I so often found myself. By the time I came out of it, it was too late.

I came mindlessly but hard, the orgasm finally breaking me from my thoughts. As my climax ended I stilled and realized I was the only one moving. It was then I noticed my grip. I let go instantly, my heart suddenly hammering for a whole other reason. Was she hurt? Shit did she safe word and I didn't even notice? The bright red, slightly purple finger prints around her neck stared at me. I called her name. I shook her..I knew, but I wasn't letting it happen. She just passed out, that happens sometimes. I didn't check for a pulse...it hadn't been there when I had taken my hands away. But that didn't mean..no. She was fine.

I unchained her and pulled the gag out of her mouth. Bile rose in my throat as I noticed the color of her lips. I carried her to the bed, still not accepting what I knew. I laid her down and covered her with the blanket, leaving the blindfold on as I went to get a glass of water for her, her throat will hurt when she wakes up. The blindfold was left on.

A few minutes later I came back to find her still..there. She hadn't moved. I called her name some more. She's fine. She's just worn out. I left the blindfold on.

At midnight I took it off. She stared at me. It was then I realized that blue eyes actually look very pretty surrounded by the rose hue of broken blood vessels. I also realized, staring into those glassy eyes, that something was very wrong. I wasn't scared, I wasn't sad...I was exhilarated. I had been freed.