A/N: Hey guys this is my first ever fanfic and I just wanted to do a letter from Merlin to Arthur shortly after Arthur's death where he shows how he's feeling and how he blames himself. It's a bit angsty but I hope you enjoy it. I'm thinking about doing a reply from Arthur but I'll look at the feedback first to see what people think :)
Dearest Arthur/My Lord/Once and Future King/Prat,
Gaius suggested that I should write this even though you can't read it. He said something about how writing everything down might help with how I'm feeling. I wish it was that easy but I've decided to humour him especially as I've left Camelot and I think I've left for good.
It was hell going back there Arthur, I hated having to tell Gwen that I'd failed and watching her face crumple as I announced that you were… gone, I can't say the other word, just thinking about it makes my stomach twist. That's why I left, I couldn't go around with everyone looking at me and whispering about how I couldn't save you.
Gwen didn't want me to leave, she said I'm her friend and there's always a place for me, especially as she's in the process of legalising magic. I can't stay though, you're not there, Gwaine's not there. There's too many memories.
I miss you so much Arthur, you're my best friend and I never imagined that I'd lose you. This past month I feel that I've been consumed by my grief. Sometimes I see something that you'd find funny or stupid and I think 'Oh I need to tell/show Arthur' and then I realise that I can't and it hurts. You once told me that no man is worth my tears but you are Arthur, you're worth rivers of tears. Remember that time when we were going to fight the dragon (and no, you didn't kill him Arthur but that's a whole other story) and you asked me if I was really going to fight that dragon with you? Remember how I said that I knew it was hard for you to understand how I felt… and then made some witty remark about your armour? Well what I really meant was that I care about you, not your stupid armour or sword. I care about protecting you and now I've failed and I'll never forgive myself. I'm so sorry Arthur; I hope that one day you'll forgive me for everything, for lying about my magic and for not doing enough to save your life.
You better return soon you clot pole, you wouldn't leave me on my own for too long would you? I don't care if Albion needs you or not! Gwen needs you. I need you. Anyway, I guess it doesn't matter how long you take because I promise that I'll be here waiting for you.
I'm going to leave this letter here by the lake, I feel like its closer to you there. I love you Arthur, you're my best friend and my brother.
Forever your idiot manservant and loyal friend, Merlin
