Journal Entry One

My name is Grant Ward and I am an agent with SHIELD. A few weeks ago, I got placed on a new team. What my new teammates don't know is that I am lying to them. They believe that I am a regular level 7 agent, however that's not true. I know soon enough that I will have to reveal the real me, I'm just afraid of how they will react. At first it will seem that I would betray them, that I would be working for the other side, I just hope when the time comes that they will listen to what I have to say and believe me. Because this is who I truly am. I am an undercover agent with SHIELD, I am undercover in an organization called HYDRA. When the time comes, I would have to go back in deep cover and it would seem as if I am betraying my teammates. But I am not. I have had to lie and deceive people that I care about, but I am not lying about how much I do care about them, I just hope they realize that. That not everything was a lie and that they can forgive me one day. It's difficult to be a deep undercover agent and be on team, that was why for the last two or three years that I have been on my own, so that I wouldn't have to lie as much to the people around me and usually the people that were around me knew the truth.

I am sure you are wondering how I became a deep undercover agent in HYDRA, so here how it had happened. A few years ago, I was on an assignment with another agent, no, I won't tell you his name. So, we were on this assignment and I was assigned to be overwatch, I was going to the spot where I felt was the best spot, however, the agent that was with me told me to go to another spot and as he was a senior agent I had to listen to him. So, I went to the spot he sent me to, and I got setup to be overwatch, the agent went into the building where he was meeting with his informant. Soon after, what I thought was rebels came upon my position and were able to overpower me. I was taken and held captive. At the time I was taken, I did not know that the mercenaries were hired by HYDRA, however, after a few days being held captive I had found out who exactly had taken me captive. This person tried to "convince" me to join HYDRA, however, I am a true SHIELD agent, so I refused. After about two weeks of this "convincing" I was still refusing to join, the mercenaries then kidnapped two children. These people had decided to hurt these children to convince me to join, and for a while I still refused. But about two weeks after the children were kidnapped, the kidnappers were about to do something despicable and I couldn't allow that to happen, so I gave in. I told my capturers that I would join HYDRA. The mercenaries took the children out and left me chained to the wall. A few days later, SHIELD agents rescued me from the building. The agents took me to a medical center, I had several broken bones, bruises and contusions all over my body, and apparently was in a coma for a few weeks. When I woke up, in the briefing I had informed a trusted senior agent about what had happened. It was agreed that I would go undercover and pretend that I am with HYDRA but reporting back to my superiors the details of what HYDRA wants me to do. I have been under ever since.

When I got on my new team, I knew my superior for SHIELD wanted me to keep an eye on Agent Coulson, who had apparently died before the battle of New York, I wasn't at the battle as it was during the time of my captivity, but I had heard the gossip through the grapevine. Anyways, apparently SHIELD wasn't the only one who had wanted me to keep an eye on Coulson, HYDRA had also wanted me to be put on the team to spy on Coulson, and to get information of how he had survived. I am very good at my job, one of the best with espionage besides the Black Widow, so I have been able to control the flow of information to my HYDRA handlers and haven't been questioned about the type of information that I have been sending. However, I have a feeling that everything will blow up very soon, that something will happen that will expose my undercover status and I won't be able to tell my team the truth until after everything is over and done with. I just hope, like I have said, that they will believe me and forgive me for deceiving them.

I was told that writing down my feelings will help, I do have trouble expressing my feelings, that is why I am so good at undercover work, but being on a team, that is a setback. Perhaps of one of my teammates find this journal and read it, that it will help with them believing me. I had a bad childhood, my parents were at best verbally abusive and at worst were neglectful, my older brother was physically and mentally abusive towards not just towards me to also to my younger brother and sister. When I was fourteen, I was sent to a military school, which was amazing. However, when I was fifteen, my younger brother told me something had happened to my younger sister and that I needed to get home. So, I stole a car from the school and drove home, when I got home I found out what had happened. My other brother really is a piece of work, so I told my younger siblings to pack up and that we were leaving. I decided to set my childhood home on fire, what I did not know was that my older brother was in the house, we thought he was at a friend's house. I was caught, and my parents sent me to juvey, the school had dropped the charges of grand theft, but my parents wanted me to be charged as an adult. While I was in juvey, I was visited by what I thought was a SHIELD, and most of his information was correct, however, he was a traitor and was with HYDRA, but I didn't know that at the time. He sent me out to the woods and left me alone for a couple of months. I was later found by other SHIELD agents that were not traitors and they told me the truth. I went to live with one of the agents, and when I turned seventeen I entered the SHIELD academy. I have been a loyal SHIELD agent since then, and I am happy to say that my brother and sister is with SHIELD as well, but they are doctors and not actual SHIELD agents. I guess you could say that with our childhoods, we came out great. But because of that childhood, I tend to wear a mask, even to my family and friends, I don't express my emotions as openly as they would like, but when I was younger I had to learn not to show emotion or would I be hurt more, so I learned. It doesn't mean that I don't have emotions, I do, I guess at times it hits me harder than it would to other people because I keep the emotions in, so when I express them, it tends to be an explosion of emotions that can have a big impact on myself. I hope that writing down everything and able to express my feelings will help. According to my brother, because of what our parents and brother did to me when I was younger, it had stunted my emotional growth and so I have trouble expressing my feelings and emotions in a positive manner. He is a psychologist, all I know is that he told me writing could help me, so I am following his advice.

I'm not sure how long this entry should be, and at first, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to write, so I just started writing. Just don't tell me brother this, but he was right, this has helped and perhaps when I do have to face my teammates, I won't feel as much trepidation as it could have been if I didn't express my feelings in this manner. I guess I should stop for now.