Disclaimer: I do not own James Wilson.
Summary: The night that he fell into bed without brushing his teeth was the night he finally realized that something was wrong.
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Admitting Defeat
James Wilson had always liked things just so. It was as much a hobby as it was a clinical compulsion for him to keep everything neat and tidy. When others would despair, he beat away such feelings with cleanliness and order. The night that his first wife had left him, he had cleaned the upstairs bathroom for three hours. It had been hanging over his head for weeks: the little remnants of her makeup in the sink, her tangles of hair clogging the bathtub drain. It was good to get things like that over with. Only when it was perfectly spotless had he allowed himself to break down.
He had routines, like his morning routine of getting up, getting dressed and having breakfast. Like his work routine of patient rounds before consults before paperwork. (His endless routine of gravitating to people that would hurt him.) And how he always tied his tie before combing his hair- never, ever after.
Before bed he would relieve himself, wash his face, floss and brush his teeth, every time exactly in that order. Even when things got rough, he clung to these choreographies, little meaningless vestiges of normalcy that reminded him he was human. Whether tired or ill or wretchedly miserable, he still followed these patterns like his one true religion. He hadn't missed a day in a decade.
So the night that he dragged himself to bed without performing it was the sincerest admission of defeat possible for him. The night that he fell into bed without brushing his teeth, not caring if he was unclean, or smelled unpleasant, or even if he pissed in the bed, was the night that he finally realized something was wrong with him. A strange symbol of failure, perhaps- to have felt desolate for years and only admit to being troubled because of a slight slip in hygiene. But what actually chilled him, frightened him distantly, was what the slip symbolized: that he just didn't care anymore.
