Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. WARNINGS: modern people becoming Middle Earth races, swearing, perverted teenagers, talking cats, people joining the Fellowship, overall idiocy.
It was your average normal cloudy fifty-two-degrees-Fahrenheit day. In other words, my kind of weather. I was sitting on the beach with my cat, Stimpy, my friends Saria and Amlia, and Molly, a Jamaican cat who belonged to Saria. We weren't swimming, we were just sitting on the sand, talking and being idiots. We had ridden our bikes to Jones beach from straight from our school. Not, I'll admit, the smartest thing, but it had been fun. Stimpy and Molly were on kitty leashes. Stimpy is a big fat gray-and-white-and-black tabby cat, and Molly is a chubby, but not as fat as Stimpy, black cat.
I, Liana, have medium-length brown hair that is highlighted red and was wearing a black shirt that had vampire fangs on it and said "BITE ME" with black pants and my white sneakers (I wore them for badminton) with their amazingly excellent shoelaces. One was black with red skulls and one was gray with black skulls. I also wore contact lenses.
Amelia was wearing a green denim jacket and blue jeans with green Converse. She wore glasses, and her short light brown hair was hanging free and kind of puffing up but Amelia didn't care.
Saria had short VERY dark brown hair and glasses as well, a Corpse Bride T-shirt and black pants with chains hanging out of the pockets. She had red-and-black Converse, and her shoelaces matched mine.
We were goofing around, not doing anything that would cause anything weird to happen, when our friend Antony appeared. He is kind of short, and was wearing a blue T-shirt, blue jeans, and I never paid attention to his sneakers. His brown hair was buzzed close to his head.
Saria rolled her eyes at the sight of him. She and Antony aren't exactly best friends.
"Hey, Antony!" I yelled, and he waved. Saria was groaning.
"What's up, other than Elijah Wood being sexy?" Amelia asked him as he sat down next to her.
"Nothing," he said, "and, uh, ew. I'm just bored. It's so boring when you don't have anything to do except homework, so--"
"Why'd you come all the way out here?" I interrupted. He had his backpack, as did the three of us.
" I just felt like it. Ya know? When you do something just because you feel like it? For no reason other than you just feel like it, but there's no real purpose. I-"
"Antony, shut up." He never stops talking.
That worked for us. Stimpy and Molly nosed his hand and decided that they liked him. It was only a few minutes before Rodney showed up. Rodney is an inch or so taller than I am (no big achievement) and was wearing a white jersey with a blue collar and blue shorts, and, again, I hadn't paid attention to his shoes. He had brown hair that stuck up in the front.
Antony and Rodney nodded cooly at each other. They're not best friends either. Actually, Antony and Saria tolerate each other, while he and Rodney hate each other.
"Rod! Come! Sit! Enjoy! One! Word! Sentences! Separated! By! Exclamation! Points!" I said, and he sat down next to Saria, as far from Antony as our towel allowed. I was about to say something, but quite suddenly, the scenery just... changed. I can't really explain it. One minute there's a pretty sunset on a beach with nine-foot waves and the next minute, there's a shimmer and the five of us, plus the cats, are in the middle of a bunch of gigantic trees.
Antony, predictably, was the first one to speak. "Okay, what the hell just happened?"
"I have no damn clue..." I said. "But doesn't this look kinda familiar?"
Antony gave me a weird look, but Rodney, Saria and Amelia were nodding. "Did I miss something?"
"Other than a brain?" quipped Rodney.
"HA, HA, so funny, Rodney!" snapped Antony.
"Okay, shut up," said Amelia.
I suddenly realized that I had to look all the way up to talk to anyone. My clothes were too big... "Uhh, you guys got a lot taller."
"Huh?" Saria looked at me. "Uh..."
"Liana, you're a midget!"
"Thanks, Amelia."
"No, really..." Amelia dug a tiny mirror out of her purse and handed it to me. I could feel my ears, which were now giant and pointy. Dreading what I'd see, I sat down and pulled my shoes, which were now too big, off.
The foot was hairy.
"AAAAAAHH! I'M A HOBBIT! I'M A HOBBIT! GOD! I'M A FRIGGIN' HOBBIT!"
"LIANA, CALM DOWN!" yelled four voices.
Amelia ran a hand through her hair. Her eyes widened as her fingers brushed her ear. "Oh... my... god... I'M AN ELF?"
Immediately, though Antony had no idea what was going on, everyone felt their ears. Only Rodney freaked out.
"AAAH! ELF! I'M AN ELF! I'M AN EEEELF!"
"I don't feel any different at all," said Antony. "Are you guys on something?"
"No, it's quite simple," said Saria. "Liana was turned into a hobbit, Rodney and Amelia into elves and me and you aren't special because we're still humans. At least we're not dwarves."
"WOULD SOMEONE MIND EXPLAINING WHAT'S GOING ON?"
"We're in Lord of the Rings, apparently," I said quietly.
"Either that or we're being Punk'd," said Rodney dryly.
"I'm not famous, are you?"
Antony paled.
"What?" Antony was not your biggest LOTR fan. "Ha. Ha. Ha, hahahaha... ha... ehh..." He made this weird noise.
"Antony?" said Amelia, waving a hand in front of his face. "Antony..."
"I DON'T LIKE LORD OF THE RINGS!" he screamed, running around in circles.
"CALM DOWN, MAN!" yelled Saria. She grabbed Antony's backpack and he fell on his ass.
"Thanks... I needed that..."
"Yeah, we should all WORK TOGETHER TO SOLVE THIS!" I exclaimed, putting on a big stupid happy face. Then I let my face relax into a frown. "Yeah, let's do THAT."
"Shut up, Liana," said six voices. Wait... there were only four people! But one continued. "You are quite brainless and impulsive. I ask that you SHUT UP and let the INTELLIGENT ones solve this."
"Who da...?"
"DOWN HERE, YOU SIMPLETON!"
I looked down. Stimpy was standing by my feet, looking at me. A Jamaican-accented voice spoke next.
"Stimpy, man, you bein' too hard on da girl!"
"MOLLY!" screamed Saria, grabbing the black cat up in a huge hug. "I ALWAYS KNEW YOU COULD TALK!"
"See, Liana, your FRIENDS are intelligent," said Stimpy. "You could at least have NAMED me a suitable name! I understand that you were barely a year old, but really..."
Besides Saria, who was hugging Molly and rambling about how no one had believed her when she'd said the cat could talk, everyone was staring at either Stimpy or Molly.
"What are you looking at?"
"Hey, juss go wit' da flow, people, juss go wit' it."
Rodney's eyes were bugging out of his head. Antony looked kind of dazed. Amelia was looking around wildly, as if expecting something to hit her. And I just stared at my cherished cat as he finished insulting me and rubbed up against my leg.
"And you can take this leash off me, please, I'm not going to bolt."
Still weirded out, I undid the leash and Stimpy stretched. "Much better, thank you."
"Right... uh... anyone know... where... we are?" asked Antony, trying to return the conversation to a plane he understood.
"We donno, Antony," said Molly from Saria's arms. "We juss know dat we gonna be interrupted soon."
"How do you know that?" asked Rodney, still wide-eyed.
"Cat instinct," said Stimpy.
"How soon is soon?" asked Amelia.
"We donno. Well, I donno. Mebbe Stimpy know?"
"No, I don't."
"Do you know who?" asked Antony.
"Again, no."
"Sorry, man."
"Well, this is juuuuuuust great; we're stuck in the middle of NOWHERE with a smart-ass cat and Rodney," groaned Antony. Rodney shot him his famous Evil Glare and Stimpy hissed.
"Shut up, Antony," I said, "we've got to – ULKH!"
I was grabbed from behind around my neck and the noise was a rather strangled one. Nevertheless, this set everyone off screaming and running in circles, except the cats. Molly was laughing quietly and Stimpy was shaking his head.
"Everyone settle down!" exclaimed a familiar voice, but the death grip on my neck didn't loosen up.
It wasn't until Saria and Rodney crashed into each other and fell flat on the ground on their butts did the four of them calm down. Saria, Amelia and Rodney were staring at whoever was about to strangle me (I couldn't see who, but he was wearing long sleeves and leather), and Antony just stood there looking at them.
"Do you know this guy or something?" he asked.
"LEMME GO!" I was screaming. "GEORGE DUBYA BUSH IS NOT GONNA BE HAPPY WITH YOU! LEMME GO, YOU EMPTY-HEADED, DRESS-WEARING, NOSE-PICKING MOTHER-- oof!"
He had released me and I fell face-first into the dirt. "Owie..."
I turned around to see who the guy was that we were looking at. And I promptly threw up.
It was Aragorn.
"Ew!" yelped Antony, jumping away from me. The vomit comet had almost landed on his feet. I wiped my chin and almost fainted. "Okay, what the hell is going on here?"
I looked my friends over. Saria was looking mildly surprised, Amelia almost scared, Antony dazed and Rodney's eyes were, again, bugging out of his head. Stimpy was almost bored, licking his paws idly, and Molly was looking at Saria.
"Look, dude, we don't belong here!" yelled Saria without beating around the bush. "We come from a different WORLD. Could you take us someplace where they can warp us back?"
He just gave her a weird look. "You would do well to come with me," said Aragorn. "It is not safe here in this forest at night."
"Let's see," I put my chin in my hand, "nice pretty trees or scary dirty threatening-small-hobbits guy with a knife?"
"Liana, shut up and walk."
"Touche, Amelia."
"First," said Aragorn, "will you tell me your names?"
"Why? What's your name?" asked Antony.
Aragorn looked a him. "I am Strider."
"Amelia."
"Saria."
"Antony."
"Liana."
"I am Stimpy," said my cat, sticking his head out of my messenger bag. I thought Aragorn would go into cardiac arrest.
"And I be Molly," said the cat from Saria's backpack. Poor ickle Ranger.
Amelia poked Rodney's shoulder. "Tell him your name, Rod. Hello? WAKE UP!"
Rodney was just standing there. I came over to him. "Look, it's not that hard. We simply take one foot and place it in front of the other."
He did so, and walking seemed to get him back to his senses.
I scooped up Stimpy and dumped him unceremoniously in my messenger bag. God, the cat was almost as heavy as I was! He hissed at me. The bag scraped the ground, so I shortened the strap. Saria put Molly in her backpack. And we walked. I tripped over my huge clothes quite a bit.
And somehow, I was stuck next to Antony.
Don't get me wrong. Antony is a great pal. He just TALKS SO MUCH.
"Are you kidding me that we're in Lord of the Rings? I HATE Lord of the Rings! I mean, how can we be IN the movie? I don't get it! Do you get it, cause I sure don't. I mean-"
"ANTONY! SHUT UP!"
Stimpy spoke from where his head stuck out of my messenger bag. "Yes, Antony, you do talk quite a lot."
"Ugh... talking cats... real movies... the world has gone mad."
"You sound like Roran."
"Pottery."
"Pottery?"
"Pottery."
"Why the hammer, then?"
"How do you think the glaze gets cracked? You have to hit it!"
"WE ROCK, ANTONY!"
"Um... okay then."
"Spoilsport."
We had just recited a part from Eldest, by Christopher Paolini. Therefore, we rocked.
"I'm gonna meet Frodo I'm gonna meet Frodo I'm gonna meet Frodo I'm gonna meet Frodo-"
"Hey, Amelia, are you going to meet Frodo, or something?"
"Shut up, Rodney."
"CAN WE TEACH HIM THE COSBY SHOW DANCE?"
"If we must, Saria, but then he watches Titanic."
"YES! GOOD GIRL, LIANA!"
"I try."
"I'm confused."
"You're an idiot, Antony."
"Likewise, Rodney."
Poor Aragorn. About to die at the hands of five demon teenagers. Well, not really. But if I were him, I would be very afraid. Since I wanted to know what part of the movie were were in (or book - Aragorn did look like Viggo, but more like a brother than the real thing), I headed over away from Motormouth (a.k.a Antony) and towards Aragorn.
"So, how are ya?"
He looked at me all funny. "My friends and I are not doing so well. One of our number has taken ill, going to the home of the elves with an elf. We have stayed behind so that they may get there safely. You are coming with us, for I believe your friend Saria when she says you are not of this world. Although I was not aware hobbits existed outside the Shire."
"Right. Yeah."
Cool, we had missed Frodo. Poor Amelia. She was going to have a heart attack when she realized he wasn't there.
We came upon the camp quite easily. Tolkein really knew his stuff.
"Merry. Pippin. Sam." Each looked up. Amelia and I squealed happily and I walked up to Merry, poking him squarely in the nose.
"PUSHY NOSE!" I screamed, dancing in circles. Amelia grabbed my hands and we danced. (Inside joke...)
Needless to say, we kinda scared them. They saw Stimpy and Molly as "well-this-is-one-more-weird-event-in-a-chain-of-weird-events" so they weren't as freaked as we had been.
Pippin looked at my sweater, which had only reached a few inches above my knees before Hobbit City and now were down to my friggin' ankles. It was a deep maroon-ish color with leave embroidered on the left side and a zipper at the neck. I love that sweater!
"What's that?" he asked, pointing at the zipper. I grinned importantly.
"THIS, my friend, is a ZIPPER," I said superiorly. I zipped it down, then up, down again for good measure then up another time because it was cold. It was a good thing I wore a belt today, because if I hadn't tightened it, my black jeans would be around my ankles. My black shirt (which had vampire fangs and said BITE ME on it) could have been a dress. A very short dress that I would never wear. I rolled up the cuffs of my jeans until I could walk without tripping. My shoes were useless, but I unlaced them before throwing them. I loved my shoelaces.
"I'm hungry," said Rodney. He had been sitting there trying to get his head around the fact that we WERE, indeed, in Middle Earth.
"Well let's see..." I rummaged through my messenger bag. Stimpy jumped out. "You crushed all the stuff, you're so fat!" Hiss. "Ooh! I have a sandwidge-"
"Liana, it's SAAAND-WIIIIIICH. Not sand-WIDGE."
"BACK OFF, FELINE FROM HELL!" I stuck out my tongue at Stimpy. "ANYWAY. I have a sand-WIDGE I was planning on eating at the beach-"
"MINE!" Rodney lunged across the campsite and grabbed the white American and vegetarian baloney on wheat right out of my hand.
"LOSER!" I yelled, trying to get it back, to no avail. He took a giant bite and his face turned dead white.
"EEEEW!" he gagged, spitting out the precious cheese and vegetarian baloney. "Here, take it!" The big orange fudge monkey threw what remained of my lovely sandwidge (YOU WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?) at my head.
"I DON'T WANT IT NOW THAT IT'S GOT RODNEY GOB ALL OVER IT!" I squealed, picking up a piece of bread and balling it up, lobbing it at his face.
"FOOD FIGHT!" yelled Antony.
"THERE'S NOT ENOUGH FOOOOOD!" I wailed. "RODNEY! YOU STOLE MY PRECIOUS SANDWIDGE! ME WANT!"
"Get over it!"
"NEVER!"
"So, Molly, how long have you been able to understand what I say?"
"For years, Saria, but I never been able to till today. It be like the Middle Earth give us the words!"
"Right. Can I ask you something?"
"Of course."
"WHY?" Saria rolled up her sleeve and showed Molly the long scratches, courtesy of our favorite Jamaican baby.
Molly would have grinned sheepishly if she could have. "Sorry."
"ME WANT YUMMY MEATLESS FOODSTUFFS!"
"ME WANT EDIBLE FOODSTUFFS!"
"YEAH WELL WHO TOLD YOU TO EAT MY SANDWIDGE BEFORE YOU KNEW WHAT WAS IN IT?"
"WHO TOLD YOU TO PACK CRAP BALONEY?"
"I DON'T EAT MEAT!"
"WELL, NEXT TIME I STEAL YOUR SANDWICH, TELL ME IF IT'S GOT IMITATION MEAT!"
"HERE'S AN IDEA! DON'T STEAL ANY MORE SANDWIDGES!"
"SHUT UP!" yelled everyone except Sam, Merry, Pippin and Aragorn. They were trying to ignore us. Well, actually, Pushy-Nose and Pippin were laughing with a confused look on their faces.
"MYYYYY BALONEY HAS A FIRST NAME! IT'S O-S-C-A-R! MY BALONEY HAS A SECOND NAME, IT'S M-A-Y-E-R! I LOVE TO EAT IT EVERY DAY AND IF YOU ASK ME WHY I'LL SAAAAAAAAY... CAUSE OSCAR MAYER HAS A WAY WITH B-O-LO–G-N-A!"
"Antony, never again."
"Shut up, Rodney."
"Merry, I do believe we're traveling with insanity itself."
"You might just be right, dear Peregrin."
"I WANT MY SANDWIDGE!"
