The HP/LotR Parody of DOOM

By CrazyTomboy

A/N- I got this idea when my second family (She Who Belongs in a Mental Ward's family. Mental is my beta and dear friend!) and I were watching "Return of the King" at church. I was saying something about Wormtongue, but it came out "Wormtail" instead. Now Mental, being the Queen of Parody Plotlines, remarked on that, and the Parody of DOOM was born! YAY!

Chapter One- The Floo Powder Sucks, Harry.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were next in line to use the Floo powder to get to Diagon Alley. It was the precious time in a young teen's life that they have back-to-school shopping for the final time.

In other words, they were trying to think of excuses to not go back to school. Or at least Ron was, while Harry and Hermione dedicatedly smacked him to get him to SHUT THE HECK UP.

FINALLY, they got to the fireplace…

MEANWHILE, IN… UM… A FOREST IN MIDDLE EARTH. NO! IN RIVENDELL! YES! THAT PLACE!

Elrond called the council to order. "We must destroy the ring! Or else DEATH, DOOM, and DESCRUCTION shall engulf all of Middle Earth!"

Everyone nodded. Legolas and Gimli fought over which was better, an axe or arrows.

Elrond continued. "The Dark Lord Sauron is growing in power. WE MUST DESTROY THE FRIGGING RING!" Elrond started ranting about rings, with vague allusions to the magic ring from "Love Hina" (Here Mental points out that "Love Hina" is not part of the crossover. CrazyTomboy points out that she doesn't care. IT'S A COOL RING!).

Suddenly, a Random Elf Who's Name in Not Needed tiptoed over to Elrond and whispered into his ear. Elrond whispered a frantic reply, and the Random Elf nodded. Elrond sighed, rolled his eyes, and took his leave from the council. As he left, he heard rather violent fights breaking out about who would take the One Ring to Mordor.

The Golden Trio were sitting in a spaaaaaaarkly white room. Hermione was sitting with her head in her hands, moaning something about how much she hated Floo powder.

"Don't worry." Ron patted her arm. "It'll be alright, Mione."

Hermione smacked him. "If I had a nickname, it would have been mentioned already. STOP CALLING ME MIONE!"

Fangirls everywhere flamed CrazyTomboy for dissing Hermione's brilliant nickname.

((AHEM))

Elrond came to the three teens looking utterly annoyed.

"Floo powder?" He demanded.

"Yes, sir."

Elrond sank into a chair and rubbed his forehead. "Arwen, make a note to talk about modes of transportation with the Minister of Magic."

Arwen burst into tears. Because anyone who's written a "Lord of the Rings" fanfic KNOWS that Arwen is a whiny brat. It's in her contract.

Hermione started crying, too (because Fanfic Hermione is also a whiny brat. Either that, or a whiny prude. It's in her contract.).

While Harry and Ron explained to Elrond that it isn't the United Kingdom's fault that Floo powder sometimes drops you in Middle Earth, the Mary-Sue appeared.

(Here Mental argues that Mary-Sues aren't nice to write about, and that CrazyTomboy will get flamed. CrazyTomboy shows all the other things she'll probably get flamed for. And that no parody is complete without a Mary-Sue.)

A stunningly beautiful half-elf, half-human girl walked up. No, she didn't walk. She freaking FLOATED. Her hip-length, curly blonde hair sparkled in the sunlight, and her sapphire eyes (because all eye colors MUST be described as a gem. It's fanfic rule number one.) blazed with an inner fire. Her dress was also sparkly (but not as sparkly as her hair). It was, as all other Mary-Sue things, perfect.

"Ah, here's my long-lost-daughter, Starlight Sunshine." Elrond introduced the tall, thin beauty. "She was raised by mean foster parents for some reason, giving her plenty of angst. There, she learned how to use swords, bows, spears, knives, axes…" Elrond continued listing all the weapons Mar… I mean Starlight Sunshine could use. And that she was the most intelligent being in all of Middle Earth, because she was a Mary-Sue. And Mary-Sues must be perfect. It's the law.

Elrond FINALLY stopped blathering ON AND ON about his long-lost daughter after Arwen and Hermione's sobs grew to hysteric proportions (Really, they just wanted their contracts amended.) Ron and Harry had been sucked into the Patented Mary-Sue Trance. But after Hermione kicked them for a bit, they came to their senses and tried to amend their contracts, too.

"Harry Potter, you must take the One Ring to Mordor! Cast it into the flames! CAST IT IN, YOU IDIOT!" Elrond yelled and shoved Ron, Hermione, Harry, and Starlight Sunshine out the door.

"Great." Harry moaned, clutching the Ring. "Now what?"

Starlight Sunshine humphed, grabbed the Ring, and went off alone. The Golden Trio reluctantly followed, along with Legolas, who was in secretly in love with Starlight Sunshine. It's in his contract.

End Chapter One. Please review.