For all you lovers of 10 Ways, this is a quickly little one-shot that demanded to be written. Why? Ask the Plot Bunny Head Quarters. I know lots of other people have done this stories before, but hey when Bunny's give you ideas go with it. Also, I have officially been on FF for one year as of today! So take this one shot as a little celebration!
Also, Merry Christmas, or whatever else you celabrate.
Disclaimer: The Disclaimer of DOOM!
50 Things James is NOT Allowed to Do
Hello everyone, this is Edward Cullen. I have escaped from the books to tell things that James is not allowed to do, for the safety of the other Characters and readers like you. Why? Because Patronus is holding my CD collection hostage until I agree to do this. I hate authors. Anyway, I am a sexy beast. WAIT! WHO WROTE THAT?!
Uh, never mind. Why am I asking that question anyway?
1: James is under no circumstance allowed to change his name to Voldemort.
2: James may not shout "AVADA KEDAVRA!" whenever he wants to kill someone.
3: James is not allowed to tell Bella that Stephine Meyer intended them to be together in the end.
4: James is not allowed to stalk Aro and tell him that "he is the only vampire he ever loved".
5: He is also not allowed to write Aro love poems and scream them at the top of his lungs during Volturi evil planning sessions.
6: Laurent and Victoria are not "Death Eaters".
7: He should under no circumstances or amount of bribery run through wall-mart in a bikini.
8: Victoria does not want to see Barney in concert, taking her will only get his head ripped off and torn into little tiny pieces.
9: No matter what anyone tells him, he will NEVER be a Country Music Star.
10: James is not allowed to hunt down Stephanie Meyer and demand he have his own series.
11: He is not allowed to try out for American Idol, not matter how much talent he thinks he has.
12: The Aliens are NOT coming for him and he should by no means insist everyone wear tinfoil hats and pay tribute to the great Alien God by impersonating goats.
13: James may not write a book entitled "Why Edward Cullen Sucks" this will only get him massacred by rapid fan-girls.
14: James is not permitted to talk to Laurent about "The birds and the bees" he needs it more than Laurent does.
15: Victoria's bra is not to be used as a sling-shot, she doesn't find this funny.
16: He is not to dress up like Santa Claus and sing about a red nosed reindeer. This scares little kids, and Edward for some reason.
17: He is not allowed to challenge Laurent to an air hockey match and force the loser to perform a Hanna Montana song of his choice.
18: He is also not allowed to do this at Bella's wedding.
19: Kidnapping Alice and forceing her to "read his palm" is frowned upon.
20: He is NOT Batman and Laurent is NOT Robin.
21: Telling Victoria she needs counseling is highly suicidal.
22: Jacob Black is a highly dangerous shape-shifter, NOT his "little puppy wuppy".
23: Werewolves just don't make good pets, he should not try to convince Jane otherwise.
24: There is no such thing as James Tribute Day, no matter what he tells Victoria.
25: James is not allowed to hold Bella for a ransom of cookies. This is just stupid and cookies will not get him anywhere in life anyway.
26: He should not suggest Victoria become a vegetarian.
27: "Like, OMG, she totally, like OMG" is not a phrase he should consider using. Ever.
28: Nor is "What's Crackalialing homies!"
29: He should not try to chance fruit into vampires. Not only is this stupid, they will not help him catch Bella.
30: Edward would not like to "spend some quality bonding time" with him.
31: Alice's closet is a sacred space and not a place to practice his "karate moves". This is just creepy.
32: He is not allowed to force the entire Cullen family to participate in his Star Trek Role Play Club.
33: Bella doesn't suck her thumb when she is scared. He shouldn't try to record this and put it on YouTube.
34: He is not allowed to try out for the part of Edward Cullen in the Twilight Movie. Robert Pattinson does a much better job than he.
35: Aro is not on crack. He should not try to sell him some.
36: Also, Jane is not a drug Dealer. He should not call the police on her.
37: Claiming to have had wild crazy sex with Bella when Edward wasn't looking is not smart.
38: James may not tell Laurent that he would look sexy in a tutu.
39: Or pretend he is a FBI agent and infiltrate a terrorist camp armed with a water gun.
40: James can't ask Bella in a really creepy voice if she would like to help him find his lost puppy.
41: Jacob Black does not like it when you rub his belly and give him dog food.
42: Fancy Feast is not a good thing when mixed with Victoria's shampoo.
43: Edward Cullen's CD collection is very valuable to him and should not be sold to some Japanese kid on eBay no matter how much James gets for it.
44: Nor should he launch it out of a canon and claim it was Emmett.
45: Esme doesn't like it when you arrange for her house to have a Redneck makeover.
46: Barbie Girl is not an approved Evil Theme Song.
47: Nor is the Barney Theme song.
48: James is not allowed to proclaim that Jasper and he were once madly in love, and that he has the marriage papers to prove it.
49: Laurent does not want tampons for Christmas.
50: James is not allowed to steal Weapons of Mass Destruction to improve them and sell them on eBay.
Please review, but flames will be laughed at.
~Patronus Out!!~