White Sun, a Magic: The Gathering + Web Shows Crossover fanfic

Hello, Desert Bluffs! Kevin here. I have some veryexciting news for you today. All news is exciting, don't you think? Just like all days! It just makes you happy to be alive. And to live in such an upstanding community! Doesn't it?

Hahaha. Of course it does. Sorry, I got a bit distracted there. I was just feeling so happy about…well, everything, I guess. About our beautiful town, and its beautiful people, and the beautiful sun that lights our sky. Anyway, the news! StrexCorp is pleased to announce that outside of our little community, out in the scrublands and the sand wastes, deep beneath the crust of our hollow world, it has discovered something. Something black and viscous, something flowing. Something wonderful!

That's right, listeners! Oil! StrexCorp has discovered oil, right outside our little town. I think that's just amazing! And I'm not alone. According to a StrexCorp analyst who came down to our station, our new resource can make everything better. Everything. From fuel economy in our cars, to productivity both in and out of the workplace, to the few minutes we're required to spend with our families each night that we make up in unpaid hours each day after, everything will be better, all because of oil.

Well I think that's just perfect. I, for one, look forward to the increase in productivity brought on by this new resource. And considering last year's shameful failure to meet projected quotas, I'd say we need it.

So thank you, StrexCorp, for doing your part to ensure our productivity, and for speeding along our small town's slow, inexorable growth. And good for us, too! All of us! Even you! Yes, that's right. Oil is good for you!

We'll have more the proper use of our new resource in few minutes, but first, let's talk about the sun.

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The sun is beautiful. From the spidery white fingers it stretches across the horizon just before dawn, to the vast warmth we look to in the day for heat and guidance, to the sad, sad moment at the end of each day when it slips over the end of the desert to the far west and leaves us to a sky of terrible void and even more terrible stars, all of us in Desert Bluffs love the sun. The sun is so important to us that StrexCorp wisely decided to grant us a few mandatory minutes each day to appreciate it, when we may cast our eyes upward and gaze into that floating eye of blinding white power, and if we're lucky, maybe even catch a glimpse of its smile.

But you already knew that! Ha ha! How silly of me! I bet you're just sitting there at your radio, laughing to yourself, "Silly Kevin! How could he forget about the sun? How could I forget about the sun? Can I? Please?" But that's silly too. You can't forget about the sun because you love the sun!

And lucky you! StrexCorp is proud to announce plans to help you produce even more of that wonderful love of yours by adding not one, not two, but four new suns to our beautiful sky! Our new suns will come in blue, red, green, and black, and will crisscross the sky in a carefully synchronized dance designed to stop us gazing up into the void ever again.

Keep in mind that while the new suns will all be as bright and perfect as the old, each sun will have a proper dedication that must be used for that sun and no other. While the white sun will smile down upon you when you press yourself up against a wall and intone the traditional chant "WE TAKE OUR WARMTH FROM YOUR GREAT WARMTH", the blue sun will not, nor will the black sun or the green sun. Inviting the displeasure of those suns may result in spontaneous drowning, rotting in seconds to a withered husk of a human body, or being devoured by wild dogs, respectively. That chant will invite the red sun's favor, but because the red sun's favor often results in heavy sweating and body odor, StrexCorp does not condone use of that chant for that particular sun either.

Instead, StrexCorp will release a short pamphlet called "Suns and Chants: A Beginner's Guide", which will detail how to court the favor of the five suns in a fun and safe manner. The pamphlet is scheduled for release shortly after the launch of the blue sun, and should clear things right up. In the interim period between the blue sun's rise and the release of the pamphlet, StrexCorp would like to ask you to just…try not to mess anything up, okay? Okay.

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And now, more about our wonderful new resource. The other day, StrexCorp discovered oil just outside of town, and I'm thrilled to say that drilling has commenced. The oil is described as a thick, flowing substance that seeps from cracks within the surface of the earth and sinks into anything it touches. It glistens and shines with colors visible and otherwise, and you only need to touch a single drop to see its true. And we have already found a wide variety of uses for it!

For example, did you beauty know that oil is the perfect fuel for all manner of motor vehicles? It's true! Once we had to power our cars and trucks and yellow helicopters by constant pedaling, but no more. Now, all we need to do is pour some oil into the vehicle – really, anywhere should do – and watch as muscles and sinew and sharpened bony blades grow from its metallic exoskeleton, bringing it to life before your very eyes!

Now I know we all loved pedaling, and we're all going to miss it, but we'll soon accept that oil is just a more efficient power source. Still, you don't want to miss out on your pedaling, right? Of course not! StrexCorp has announced that to accommodate those who miss pedaling their vehicles, they have opened a brand-new pedal-based power plant! Wow! All you have to do is walk in at the mandated time and pedal away until you are permitted to clock out. Just make sure all that make-up pedaling doesn't interfere with your normal work hours!

And now, a message from the Desert Bluffs Medical Community.

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Think back. Back before you toiled joyously away in your designated workplace, far back to when you were a child, when you toiled joyously away in a different designated workplace. Remember your family. Remember your mother. Remember how on your fifth birthday she gave to you a mirror so you could see yourself, and told you to always be true to yourself, and to the self that lies beneath yourself.

Remember how she reached her needle-sharp, clawlike fingers toward you, closer, closer, how she peeled away the skin that covered up the true you. Remember looking in the mirror at those exposed eyes, dangling unprotected from their gaping sockets. Remember watching your blood and sinew, slowly uncoiling from quivering bones, and watching in horror as your slippery viscera tried to squeeze under your dynamic ribs. Remember you were organic, and remember your fear. Remember. But not for long.

Remember how you mother leaned down, spreading her teeth, broad and flat and sharp and polished like a mirror, and pressed a beautiful mask of gleaming white porcelain over the bloody surface of your skull. A new face. A perfect face. Remember how you saw that face reflected in your mother's teeth, and how you knew in that moment it concealed the true horror, the true you, that was hidden beneath. Remember. Remember. But not for long.

In all things, form should follow function. Adapt your form to suit your function, and become valuable as a person. Become one with your community. Become compleat.

This has been a message from the Greater Desert Bluffs Medical Community.

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Though everyone is of course happy about having oil, StrexCorp has received a few questions from concerned citizens about proper ways to use it, which it has chosen to answer in the form of a free, mandatory public demonstration featuring those upstanding citizens themselves. After the brief delay needed to locate and acquire those obliging volunteers, unidentified figures wearing beautiful and identical white masks sewn onto their faces marched those proud citizens right up onto a small stage set up in the pony petting station right outside the Desert Bluffs Dog Park, which is a wonderful place to visit on a day off. It says so, right there on the arch above the entrance. Witnesses described the volunteers as being bound to stretchers and screaming and writhing in pure joy at the opportunity to use their bodies for the good of all of us.

Before the demonstration, a reminded us that while oil has a variety of uses, its primary purpose is to be consumed, and to spread. The spokesperson specified that under no circumstances may oil be burned because, as we all know from those beautiful posters all over the walls of our houses and our bathrooms, to burn oil is to burn God, and a burning God wouldn't smile very much, will it?

The first volunteer was Juan Pedro, you know, the sharecropper? I love that guy! Did you know that because of his tireless work in the fields outside Desert Bluffs, our orange crop has increased by a full 300% this year? Well now you do! He's always been so kind and caring, a real pillar of our little community. And so productive too! Well, it looks like after today we'll have to add "generous", "self-sacrificing", and "community-oriented" to the list of things Juan Pedro, you know, the sharecropper, is. We really will! It's mandatory! Before the ceremonies, a StrexCorp messenger presented him with three badges which proclaimed he was those things, so we'll now have to call him that now in addition to whatever else we call him. Lucky us!

As two white-masked figures held him down, Juan, you know, the generous, self-sacrificing, community-oriented sharecropper, gave a scream of pure joy. As he twitched and writhed against his restraints, in jest of course, a third white-masked figure used a pipet to lay a single drop of oil on his exposed neck. It glistened in the light of the sun and begun to sink into his skin, slowly at first, then more quickly, until it was all gone. Mr. Pedro, you know, the generous, self-sacrificing, community-oriented sharecropper, closed his eyes and shivered, arching his back – and then, a miracle! He smiled, listeners! He smiled, softly touching the spot on his neck where the oil had sunk in, and quietly asked if he could skip the rest of the demonstration and begin his great work.

What was that work, you ask? Well don't take it from me, but Intern Vanessa tells me that one of the white-masked StrexCorp assistants told her that Mr. Pedro, you know, the generous, self-sacrificing, community-oriented sharecropper, would share crops no more. No, I don't mean he would keep them for himself. None of us would ever keep anything for ourselves. That would be evil. No, what I meant is that Juan Pedro, you know, the generous, self-sacrificing, community-oriented fellow who was no longer a sharecropper but was still generous, self-sacrificing, and community-oriented, proceeded to walk offstage, through the audience, and out the door, treading small puddles of oil which quickly sunk into the earth and muttering that he had some spheres to work on.

Spheres! Wow. Who'd have thought? Not me! Really, not me. I mean, I don't know what spheres are, but I won't let that get in the way of my desire to bow before them, or stitch my body into their great mass, or send a bunch of them in small orange packages wrapped with a bow over to Night Vale! Whatever it turns out spheres are, and whatever you are supposed to do with them, I just cannot wait.

Oh, uh…it looks like I'm getting questions about the other volunteers! Ha ha! You know, I could explain it, but most of you were probably exposed to the oil that spread across the ground and seeped through the cardboard-thin soles of your work boots as if it were alive and aware of your presence, so you should understand already. And if you don't, don't worry! You'll start whispering the prayers soon enough.

We'll have more the proper use of our new resource in few minutes, but first, let's talk about the sun.

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And now, a message from the Desert Bluffs Medical Community.

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In all things, form should follow function. Adapt your form to suit your function, and become valuable as a person. Become one with your community. Become compleat.

This has been a message from the Greater Desert Bluffs Medical Community.

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