insight
–noun
the act or result of apprehending the inner nature of things; perception or understanding of the true nature of something.
~*~
He hid his true self under a facade of immature behaviorism, smiles and lies. All that self loathing, all that guilt, all that longing to see the man who cut open his wife and only child dead by his own hands. California was too bright a place for the darkness he buried within. He didn't want to be the man that people saw as 'dark and dangerous so stay away from him' or the one 'with issues so complicated I would have killed myself if I were him'. He didn't want to burden anyone else with his problems. They were his and it was going to stay that way.
He knew the team cared; they were almost like a family. Except family members don't fall in love with each other like Rigsby and Van Pelt. Because that would be wrong and illegal. They were dear to him, too attached to them. He couldn't tell them about all his pended up emotions. It could ruin their relationship. He couldn't lose them; they were all he had left.
Lisbon, sometimes he felt like spilling his guts to her. She might -would- understand. They both had a tragic childhood, they both lost their family. If anyone could understand him, it was her. But she was pure, innocent, clean. He would taint her with his darkness. She was the one who kept him floating, kept him living. She was untouchable, at least untouchable to him.
He loved the end of a work day. Rigsby and Van Pelt would go for a quiet dinner at a small restaurant where nobody would know them. Cho would return home, eager to finish at least a chapter of his book before he turned in for the night. Lisbon would stay in the office until she decided that he wasn't going to leave for the night. He would sit on his couch and stare into her office. She would hunch over the current paperwork or report she had to complete. She would wear her back in one day. Maybe he should cut down on the amount of antics he did per case.
Occasionally, he would join her in her office. The warmth beckoned to him, tempting him to open the door. She smiled whenever he entered and settled down in the guest chair across her. They would sit in silence; he would watch her scribble out her reports and try to decipher what she was writing upside down. It was entertaining, so much more entertaining than lying on his couch and counting the number of cracks on the ceiling or going through Cho's desk drawers.
She would offer him her couch to spend the night on, but he had never accepted. He didn't want to go to her house, he couldn't. It would be too challenging for him, going into her personal area. Being in the same room as her required most of his restrain, going to her house would crumble his control. He couldn't deny that he wanted her badly, but he didn't deserve her. No one did. He knew that she felt something for me, more than just friendship. But he pushed her away. He was a broken man, doomed to vengeance once he had criticized the serial killer. She could try to fix him; he just didn't want her to.
The only time he let his guard down was when he spoke to her about Red John. He let the darkness overwhelm him, let it seep into his words. He needed her to understand that was who he was, a broken man bent on hunting down his family's murderer; he needed her to feel disgusted by him. He saw disgust flash in her eyes, coupled with fear. He saw concern too. It was then when he realised she accepted him, she knew who he was all along. She was in love with him. They had an argument, a rather loud one. He slammed the door upon leaving her office and spent the day at home, staring at the goddamn smiley which loomed in his dreams.
He came to apologise to her the next day, he was brought up to be a gentleman. Her eyes were bloodshot, that was the first thing he noticed. She refused to talk to him even after he had apologised and gave her a bouquet of daisies. She didn't tell him off when he insulted suspects; she didn't utter a word of complaint when Minelli told her off for not controlling her consultant. The team was starting to get concerned, asking him about the quarrel from the day before. He shrugged and closed his eyes. Blocking out all the noise it the bullpen, he brought forward the memory of yesterday's fight.
She had started to tell him that she loved him, but he cut her off. He knew what she was going to say, he didn't want to hear it. He told her that he was too damaged, too dark, too unworthy of her. That he would drag her down with him in the mess that he had become. And when she said she didn't care, he exploded. He shouted at her, ignoring the tears that had formed in her eyes. He needed her to understand what he was trying to tell her.
All she had to say to stop him from his never ending tirade was one sentence. "Stop pretending, Jane."
He stared at her. All the words he had wanted to say just vanished from his mind.
"You think that you're the only one with a fake smile on your face every day, Jane? You think you're the only one who is suffering deep don, the only one who has all negative things all pent up? Think again," She wiped a stray tear away. "The fact that you're damaged, the fact that you're dark and twisted doesn't scare me. I know dark and twisted. I know damaged. I know what it can do to you, Jane. I've seen it destroy my family. So you can stop hiding now. I know what you are; I know what you're trying to say. And now I'm telling you this. You don't get to push me away. Not when I'm so in love with you."
She had confessed to him, and all he did was stare at her. He just stared at her, before leaving her office. And today she was ignoring him. And they call him immature. He went to find her once more, not to apologise, not to find excuses. He was going to tell her everything. And if she would have him, he would gladly accept her.
He stood at her desk and took away the case file she held in her hands, forcing her to look at him. For the first time in the day, he drowned himself in the deep forest green of her eyes.
"I'm a damaged man, Teresa. I'm damaged, I'm twisted and dark. I still wear my wedding ring even though both my wife and daughter were killed 5 years ago. I plan to hunt down Red John and slice him open like he did my family," He raised a finger to stop her from interrupting. "But if you would have me, this broken, twisted, dark and evil man, I think we can make it work."
She blinked twice, processing what he had just said to her. Her lips curved into a smile as she got up and wrapped her arms around him. "And that was what I wanted you to know, Jane. I don't care if you are broken into a million pieces, or that you are twisted. If that's who you are, Jane, that's who I want."
He pushed away his insecurities, he forgot about what he wanted to do to the man who had made him like this. The only thoughts he had in his mind were about the petite woman in his arms and that he was going to cherish her and love her till the day he died.
Author's Note:
I wrote this for a challenge at red_johns_smile. :D The theme is insights. I thought of submitting my Seeing It Through Chapter 1 or Leave The Pieces Chapter 1. xD But I had to write a new one. So here it is. I hope you enjoyed it!
Do leave a review! Thank you!