On Sunday November 10, 2002, there was an article in the Stars magazine entitled "With Richard Harris' Death, who will don Dumbledore's robes?" It went on to list a whole bunch of people including Sean Connery (and I quote 'a sexy Dumbledore?'/ James Bond), Clint Eastwood (famous for westerns), Ian Holm (Bilbo Baggins from Lord of the Rings), James Earl Jones (Darth Vader from Star Wars), Ian McKellan (Gandalf from Lord of the Rings), Christopher Lee, and Paul Newman. While reading this and chatting with fellow ff.net author, Kary Starr, we got the ideas for a few parodies on what would happen if a few of these actors were chosen to portray Albus Dumbledore. So I decided to write at least one of them…
Clint Eastwood: The Dumbledore of the Old West
Dumbledore pulled off his large brimmed hat and wiped off the sweat beading on his craggy forehead. He was getting too old for this kind of work but none of the younger ones were ready for this job yet. He tied his trusty broom to the rack in front of the saloon, giving its worn handle a final pat before he entered through squeaky half doors.
The sounds of ragtime playing from a piano in the corner mixed easily with the happy chatter of the town's inhabitants. Few glanced up from their drinks and card games as he passed the many round tables. He knew all of them, some better than others, but there would never be a day in this town when he could not recognize every single inhabitant. He had been the sheriff here longer than he could remember and had outlived all but the oldest inhabitants.
"One of the usual, Miz Hermione.," he twanged, tapping his long crooked nose with a bent finger as he took a seat on one of the empty stools by the bar.
The young barmaid glanced up from her cleaning the smooth wooden counter. "Of course, sheriff," she winked brazenly at him even though he was old enough to be at least her father if not grandfather. She returned a few moments later with a shot glass. "Here ya go, sir. It's on the house." Her cloth reappeared as she continued to clean the well-used area.
"Thanks, hon," Dumbledore took a sip of the cool amber liquid before tossing back the entire thing. He set it lightly on the polished wood and Hermione automatically refilled it.
The saloon went dead silent as the double doors creaked open for the second time that lazy afternoon. A dark figure entered menacingly with his wand raised high and broad brimmed hat pulled down low over his eyes. A green kerchief masked the rest of his face. It was Tom Marvolo Riddle, known as Lord Voldemort to those who feared him. He was one of the wildest villains Dumbledore had ever met in his entire existence, almost as bad as the self proclaimed Grindenwald a few years back. "This town ain't big enough for the both of us, sheriff," he hissed.
Sheriff Dumbledore turned slowly around to face the black man. "Back so soon, Tom? I thought ya were down in Mississippi terrorizing the innocents out that way for a bit."
"I was," Tom Riddle swaggered forward, wand still pointed at the sheriff. "I told ya I'd be back for ya one day, sheriff. Ya killed my brother so I'se gonna kill you."
"Ya are, ain'tcha? I don't think so, Tom. Not in here. Miz Hermione wouldn't appreciate it very much," Dumbledore nodded to the pretty barmaid.
"Fine, old man, then out on the street. Let's settle this like real men," he drawled, stalking back out the doors.
Dumbledore set his glass back on the counter before standing. He replaced his hat that had seen better days back on his head as he rose off the stool. His spurs clicked a staccato beat on the wooded floor with every step he took toward the exit. The doors squeaked in protest as he pushed through them. He swaggered out onto the deserted, dusty street, his leather chaps banging against his thighs. His wand was raised, ready for dueling with his arch-nemesis.
Riddle stood in the middle of the street, waiting to duel. "Yer goin' down, sheriff."
They approached each other warily like two alpha wolves fighting for dominance. From the saloon, heads of spectators could be seen through windows and doors. At the same instant both moved their wands into shooting position. The two men stood waiting for the other to make the first move.
"Expelliarmus!" Riddle's disarming spell missed Dumbledore by a distance too close for comfort. He shielded himself with a quick charm and shot a body-bind curse back at him.
Tom ducked, rolling forward at Dumbledore. The sheriff, though old, still had decent reflexes. He dodged the on coming wizard, hitting him with a leg-locker curse. The evil man pulled himself off the ground unsteadily, unable to bend his legs. He cast "Serpensortia!" as a distraction as he freed himself from the curse.
Dumbledore made quick work of the snake before casting a fireball spell. The blaze singed Tom's shoulder, but did no major harm.
"Tarantallegra!" A dancing curse made Dumbledore start a quick Charleston.
Tom laughed evilly. "There's no hope old, man. Give it up while you still can."
"Never!" Dumbledore yelled. "Avis!" He called out, sending a swarm of birds to momentarily distract his opponent. Tom threw his hands up over his face as the sheriff cast the final curse.
"AVADA KEDAVRA!"
Riddle fell, collapsing slowly to the dirt below, gasping for his final breaths or air. Dumbledore sauntered cautiously over to his fallen enemy. "You were a good man, Tom. I wish I didn't have to kill ya."
"Ya already did, ya old bastard," he choked out, one hand holding his chest. "I hate ya all." His eyes rolled back into his head. Tom Riddle had finally been done away with. It had taken many years, but now Hogwarts could rest assured that he would never terrorize the town again. The sheriff removed his hat, placing it over his heart. He paused for a few moments before speaking again.
"Sirius, Remus, take him to Doc Pomfrey. My work here is done."
The two deputies stepped out from the crowded saloon. They picked up the dead body and lugged it across the street to the Doc's house. She would know what to do with him from there.
"Oh, Albus, you saved the day! You're my hero!" a happy looking older woman ran out to meet the tired sheriff. He bent down to kiss her lightly on the lips.
"It's all in a day's work, Minerva dear, all in a day's work." Dumbledore scooped her up in his arms, mounted his trusty broom and flew off into the setting sun with his girl in his arms.
{Author's Note: I stumbled upon this while going through an old and thought it was rather amusing. I decided to post it for that reason. Hope you enjoy! I might write a few more to add to this if it goes over well enough. ~Nat}