We Wanted It Too Much or the Ten Times They Wanted Each Other But Knew They Shouldn't
Rachel Berry: I'm Not That Girl
1.
She was eleven. Most kids had already decided she was a freak because she had two dads, dressed kind of funny and was obsessed with singing and dancing. When she worked up the courage to privately give Cody Milbanks, one of the only boys who treated her civilly, a candy Valentine he refused it because he didn't want anyone to find out he got a Valentine from her. She almost burst into tears, but the sound of a smack interrupted her self-pity. Cody was holding the back of his head and moaning in pain. Standing behind him, hand raised, was none other than Noah Puckerman, rudest, most popular boy at their elementary school.
"Dude, you don't turn down candy. Even if it's Berry who's giving it to you." And with that, he snatched up her Valentine. "Thanks." He said with a wink, before he sauntered off, leaving her with a humiliated Cody.
At the end of the day, she decided that Cody was the crush of yesterday and that her Valentine had ended up in more deserving hands, though she tells no one.
2.
It was the first Thursday of 8th grade. She was surprised when someone threw her a note during math. Shock almost caused her to faint out right when she finally grasped the fact that it was from Noah Puckerman, still the cutest, most popular boy of the school, as well as the fact that it casually asked if she wanted to go out on a date on Friday at seven. At first she really wanted to say yes, and then realized that she couldn't because she was going to be seeing West Side Story with her dads tomorrow and she absolutely wouldn't miss it for the world. After class, he had held back to get her answer. When she told him she couldn't go because she was going to a musical, his face settled into a stony expression. He stormed off before she could even apologize or ask if he would consider re-scheduling.
The next day, she received her first slushie facial (strawberry, she remembers distinctly) courtesy of Noah Puckerman.
3.
Somehow, she'd been drafted into tutoring students struggling with Geometry. She consistently got some of the best grades in the class, so Miss Pillsbury talked her into helping out a student who needed it. It was a shock to her when she was introduced to the student, because it was Noah Puckerman, someone she had no problem remembering. Neither was happy with the arrangement, but Miss Pillsbury forced them to at least give it a week before calling it quits.
That first day, she was sure they were going to kill each another. The next day, they called a truce. The day after, everything was alright until he solved a particularly tough problem on his own and she told him she was proud of him. He'd paused and turned his gaze to hers. She didn't know why, or who was responsible, but their lips met for an agonizingly brief moment before both had withdrawn as if burned. They both pretended it didn't happen, and spent the rest of the week in silence. When it was done, they terminated the arrangement with Miss Pillsbury.
Noah Puckerman was her first kiss. And she still doesn't know how she feels about it.
4.
There's this one dream she has. She blames it on the fact that he's there when she rejoins Glee, and that she can't help being over sensitive to his presence. Or maybe it's because she can't get his voice--that voice--out of her mind (the way he sings, she could melt). Usualy it's Finn who comes to her in the night, and kisses her the way he kisses Quinn, as if there's no one else in the world but them, and it's what she's always wanted. But what makes this dreams different is that she had a new co-star this time.
It's not the warm, dark eyes she's used to, but smoldering, green ones, and she feels like his gaze alone will set her ablaze. His lips are on hers before she can think to do anything—protest, smile, beg, gasp, breathe—and then the only thing she wants to do is kiss him back. And she does. Her dream starts to take a more passionate, sudden turn, and she realizes she's not ready for this, for sex, even in her dreams.
So she wakes up sweaty, panting, and her legs are painfully clenched together, and the only thing even half coherently buzzing about her thoughts it that she wants Noah Puckerman.
Badly.
5.
She sees him from a mile away. A slushie cup held in his hand as he approaches her. He's been a little slack with his slushie throwing lately, and she was starting to think that he might have grown a heart, or a concsience, or at least gotten bored with throwing stuff at her. The closer he gets, the surer she is that he's gotten over whatever funk he was in and the ritual slushies are back on…
Which is why she was stunned when Noah, with a straw tucked behind his ear, handed the slushie to her, She couldn't help the half terrified, half shocked look that was on her face. Was he really being serious?After he asked if they could work together on mash up ideas, she couldn't help the wide smile she had on afterwards as she cheerfully drank the grape slushie.
He was right. It was her favorite.
6.
When she had been kissing Noah, she'd let Finn wander into her mind. The minute she did, she pushed herself away from Noah. She was confused and disgusted with herself. If someone had asked her at the beginning of Glee club who she'd pick, Finn would have one in a heartbeat. But now…She thought she was in love with Finn. So why did she feel so dirty and ashamed for thinking about Finn Hudson while kissing Noah?
Her guilt made her say things to Noah she didn't mean, to push him away and to give her time to sort through things. She still wasn't ready to go any further with him. But if she looked into his eyes one more time tonight, if she kissed him one more time, she was a goner, because the only one she really, truly wanted right now was Noah. And wanting him that much scared her.
7.
For the second time, she was not the target of a slushie facial in the immediate vicinity. But to her surprise and utter horror, it was Noah Puckerman, her boyfriend, the supposedly most popular boy in school, who got hit by the slushie. She let herself stand there dumbstruck with a gaping jaw for a minute before taking charge. Inserting her had gently into his, she carefully led him into the closest bathroom and to the sink. She let him clean the slushie out of his eyes while she quickly slipped a way for a couple of minutes so she could grab him change of clothes. The drama department never locked up the costumes for productions during school hours, so she she raided the racks of clothing for things she thought were school appropriate and would fit Noah.
When she returned, she found him standing in front of the mirror, hands gripping the sides of the sink. It broke her heart to realize that he understood now what it was like. As she helped him wash the slushie out of his hair, and listened to him tell her about how it made him feel, she knew he understood it. The humiliation. No one deserved this feeling. Even Noah. Even if he had been doing it for her for three years now, it felt so wrong for him to be a victim of it too.
She pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. She cared for him enough to let him go. He had a way to go back to a life without slushie facials. And she wouldn't let herself get in the way of that.
8.
Mike and Matt choosing Glee over football was a pleasant surprise. As much as she convinced herself that she was okay with Noah not coming back, that she understood why he shouldn't, she couldn't help but want him to come back to Glee, to come back to her. All those times she selfishly wished that he'd forget Quinn and choose her. So everyone was now waiting for Finn, their hero, their leading man, rejoin them and sweep Quinn into his arms the way Mike had done with Brittany and Matt had done with Santana.
That was why it was such a shock when it wasn't Finn, but Noah who walked through the door, his hands shoved into his pockets, looking almost shy. She walked swiftly to him and paused right in front of him.
"Are you sure?"
He nodded. And then he smiled.
"Bring it."
With his warms wrapped so tenderly about her, she knew that whatever her feelings for Finn were, she loved Noah. Noah who had the courage to choose Glee (and her, maybe) over the other things going on in his life.
9.
She didn't want to do this. But deep down, she knew she had to. It was a good thing she and Noah had, but it was time to stop living in a fantasy. Noah didn't want her. Sure, he could be happy with her, but she saw him watching Quinn sometimes when he thought no one was watching. She'd never felt more angry or undesirable when she realized she'd lost out to Quinn Fabray again. Another boy she'd given her heart to wanted the other girl instead. She wasn't willing to be next best choice compared to Quinn.
So she lied. She told him it wasn't gonna work because they both wanted different people, that she wanted Finn. It hurt a little more when he told her he'd wanted to break up too. She wanted him to argue with her, tell her he really did want her. He didn't. She asked if they could still be friends. He jerked away, snidely saying they never had been.
And as he walked away, her heart was broken for a second time by a boy from Glee.
10.
When she's at home, recording her next Myspace video, and she's putting all her emotion, all the hurt she feels, into it.
Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl
She thinks about that first accidental kiss, so long ago no one ever knew about.
Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl
She remembers all of the times she used to picture them together.
Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in
She recalls all the possibilities she saw for them, if only it could work out.
Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl
She knows that he came back to Glee for the beautiful, popular cheerleader who already belong to someone else.
Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl
And she knows she's not that girl.
NaNa: The next chapter will be the ten things from Puck's POV. Hope you enjoyed this. I don't own the song "I'm Not That Girl," by Idina Menzel from the musical Wicked. Sorry anyone who was expecting the Twilight story. I got a little distracted from it, but it's still in progress.