A/N: we started learning R&J at school. So have a shizaya crack parody of Romeo and Juliet. I'm not too familiar with it, but I kinda get the basic storyline, so just roll with it, please. Probable OOCness.

Dramatis Personae:

Romeo – Izaya

Juliet – Shizuo [somewhat. AHAHAHA]

Mercutio – Kida

Capulet – Kasuka

Montague[s] – Kururi & Mairu

Friar Lawrence – Simon

The rest of the characters: fuck them; let's get this show on the road.

'Hey! Heeeyyyy! Kida!'

Izaya and Kida turn to see Erika and Walker tearing down the streets of Ikebukuro, a piece of white paper fluttering in Erika's hand.

'Hey guys!' Kida replies happily as the duo stop to catch their breath. Izaya simply watches with a vaguely curious look.

Erika holds out the slip of paper with a pleading look. 'Kida, you learn English, right? Tell me what it says!'

Kida takes the paper and scans it quickly, Izaya leaning over his shoulder to read the message too.

'It's a party invitation,' Kida surmises, handing the message back. 'Some costume or dress up party at that night club called Crisis tonight. Are you guys going?'

'Uh-huh,' Walker nods with a broad smile. 'Erika, which cosplays should we wear?!'

'I don't know, I don't know!' Erika squeals back. 'Let's go home and plan it out right now!'

They speed away hand in hand in an excited daze.

'Hey Izaya, we should go as well,' Kida suggests with a mischievous look.

'I don't have a costume though,' Izaya replies with a helpless shrug.

'You can rent one or make one or something,' Kida suggests. 'C'mon, it'll be fun!'

'I guess I can take some time out to steal a costume…'

'What?'

'Did I say steal? I meant borrow.' Izaya flashes a sarcastic little grin.

'Right…'

-page break-

'Shizuo, come here,' Kasuka demands in an inflectionless monotone from the kitchen table of his brother's apartment. 'I have a proposal for you.'

'What is it?' Shizuo asks, pulling out a chair and taking a seat across from Kasuka.

'It's time you should change your life a little,' Kasuka suggests, carefully watching Shizuo's reaction with an emotionless stare.

'What do you mean?' the blonde asks cautiously.

'Have you thought about perhaps making some new friends?'

Shizuo huffs. 'Not really. I mean, I'm not exactly a people person, as you already know.'

'You're going to a costume party at that nightclub, Crisis, tonight.' There was no question in his voice.

'I don't have a costume.'

'You'll be bartending.'

'…Why?' Shizuo asks reluctantly, but not wishing to disappoint his brother.

'It will keep you there,' Kasuka replies. 'And you kind of have to talk to people in that situation. Socialize. Make friends.'

'…How?'

Kasuka shrugs. 'Smile and give them what they want.'

'Easier said than done,' Shizuo mutters bitterly.

'So you'll go?'

'Yeah… I'll go.'

In response, Kasuka gifts him with one of his rare smiles, however Shizuo still feels uneasy and reluctant about the event.

-page break-

Izaya and Kida rock up at the party, Kida dressed in a cuddly Rilakkuma onesie and Izaya in a white and gold prince costume, complete with a shiny crown and cape. They get stopped in the doorway by a bouncer.

'ID please?' the bouncer asks, looking down at Kida.

'Sure,' Kida grins, flashing his false ID card.

The bouncer nods and glances at Izaya with an unsure look.

'I'm 21 forever, baby!' Izaya says confidently spreading his arms, as if to say JUST LOOK AT ME.

The bouncer waves them through, and they immediately attract a flock of people who gather around them, calling Kida 'cute' and referring to Izaya as 'your highness.'

'I think I like this party,' Izaya comments to Kida with a grin. 'BOW TO ME, HUMANS.'

Most of them jokingly –or drunkenly- oblige, delighting Izaya.

'Hell yeah!' Kida agrees, throwing his arms open. 'FREE HUGS FOR THE LADIES!'

Girls immediately squeal and line up to cuddle Kida in his adorable costume.

Meanwhile, across the room, Shizuo is having a much less pleasant time. He holds a large kitchen knife in his hand, contemplating stabbing himself in the face. People drape themselves over the counter, drunkenly flirting with him while demanding more drinks.

'Hey,' the manager says. 'You have no reason to be holding that knife. Put it away.'

Shizuo gives his manager a tired look through his purple-tinted shades and grabs a bottle of champagne. With a flick of his wrist, he uses the knife to pop the cork out of the bottle, eliciting cheers and whoops from the customers. 'Can't find the bottle opener,' he lies.

His manager raises an eyebrow, but moves on to help serve the other customers.

'Hey, who's that?' Izaya asks a guest dressed as a Pokémon trainer. 'The blonde bartender with the knife skills. Who's he?'

'Oh… hey, that's Shizuo! I didn't know he was around. His brother's some kinda celebrity.'

Izaya smirks and heads over to the bar, deciding he's ready to order a drink.

Shizuo sighs as he notices someone else sit down at the bar. He looks up to see a young man dressed as a prince. 'Yes, what can I get you?'

'I'll have a screwdriver,' his customer replies, an annoying smile plastered on his face.

Shizuo looks around. 'Sorry, we're out of orange juice.'

'I'll just have the vodka half then. Screw me,' Izaya says with a wink.

Shizuo blinks a couple of times. 'Do you actually want a drink?'

'Yeah,' Izaya answers. 'How about coffee on Monday. Can I have your number?'

'No,' is the immediate answer. Hell no.

'I'm Izaya by the way,' the princely guest goes on, ignoring his rejection. 'And you?'

'I don't give a fuck,' replies Shizuo, rewarding himself for not committing homicide yet with a free shot of whiskey.

'Aww, c'mon Shizu-chan, why not have some fun?' Izaya mocks him.

'Shizu-chan…?' the blonde suddenly decides he needs another shot of whiskey, and pours it out.

Izaya snatches away his shot glass and drinks the liquor himself, downing it in one gulp.

'You're paying for that,' Shizuo growls with a glare. I must not kill anyone tonight.

'How about you let me have that one and I'll pay for your coffee on Monday?'

'No,' the bartender rejects again. I MUST NOT KILL ANYONE TONIGHT.

'Hey!' Kida greets, collapsing on the counter next to Izaya. 'Can I have a martini, Mr. Bartender?'

'I know you, kid,' Shizuo says, pushing Kida back with a finger. 'You're not old enough to drink.'

'Damn, worth a shot,' Kida replies, returning to the crowd. 'See ya, Izaya.'

'Can I have a martini?' Izaya asks with sarcastic politeness.

'Are you going to give it to your kid friend?'

'Can't I give it to you instead?' Izaya purrs suggestively.

Shizuo goes silent. The blonde calmly puts down the drinks and glasses, turns around and NOPES THE FUCK OUT OF THERE.

'I am so done with this bullshit,' Shizuo mutters under his breath, kicking the door open and beginning to make his way home. 'Jesus fucking Christ.'

-End of Act I-

A/N: AHAHAHAHAH HA HA ... HA... ha... shoot me, I can't make up pick up lines.
I'm not even sorry for this.